Cursed Cuisine

Delving into the esoteric and strange to make dishes that shouldn't be good but somehow are.

[cursedcuisine]

Blorf (Keto)

The desperation for something sweet, yet fatty and edible and keto friendly resulted in a brief stint of madness where we desired to make cheesecake, but without baking it or dealing with eggs. This is what resulted.

What you’ll need is: 1 pound Cream Cheese (room temp) 1 quart heavy cream Animal Collagen (if you can’t extract your own, Jell-O style gelatin dessert works just fine, and comes in various sugar free fruit flavors!) 1 tub “whipped topping” (We use Cool Whip)

The true struggle of this dish is in the construction. You at minimum require stamina and strong arms and a whisk, or some type of mixer either hand-cranked or electric. 1. Cream the cream cheese, ignoring how that sentence makes you feel. 2. Slowly add in your animal collagen, ignoring the ancient terror in the corner. 3. Add heavy cream, whisking constantly until thiccc 4. Fold in whipped topping 5. Let sit in fridge overnight.

This makes a keto-friendly dessert that may satisfy lingering sweet-teeth while also providing a fat bomb from the cream and cheese.

If you aren’t keto, CONSUME SPARINGLY. Cursed Cuisine takes no responsibly for cardiac failure, clots, high cholesterol or any other problems resulting from the addiction to and consumption of this monstrous horror.

[cursedcuisine]

A Man (w/ Rice)

Discovering the ingredients in the back of a cupboard and laying in my fridge, the recipe for this entered my brain in a rush. Once the bleeding ceased and my eyes no longer beheld the horrors beyond sight, I was able to begin preparations and succumb to the laziness that is the Crock Pot and Instant Pot

You’ll need:

2-4lbs Boneless, Skinless chicken thighs 2 small or one large can of Cream of Chicken soup 2tbsp Flavor Powder (Curry, Cajun, Mrs. Dash, Sylphium) 4cups White Rice (or Brown, if you desire madness) 8cups Chicken Stock or Broth 2tbsp Garlic Powder Salt Pepper

1. Combine chicken, soup, garlic, and flavor powder in a crock pot, set for 10 hours. 2. When chicken is almost done, cook rice as desired. 3. Break up chicken with spoon, you may skim fat if you seek failure in all things. Season to taste with salt and pepper 4. Do not succumb to the void as the rice cooks 5. Serve the chicken atop the rice in a bowl. Leftovers remain excellent for two days and edible for five. Beyond that I fear for the sanctity of the bowel.

[cursedcuisine]

Slurpy Cheese

It was a rather boring Thursday when this recipe occurred to me. I had the desire for Mac and Cheese, as one is wont, but I realized I had no mac and only a block of velveeta that had been destined for fudge. The cacophony of madness struck and soon I had an edible dish.

What you’ll need is: 2 free-floating packets of the Velveeta cheese sauce, which exist apparently OR 1lb Velveeta Processed Pasteurized Cheese-flavored Cheese-based Plasticine food by-product 2 cups shredded cheese of your choice 4-6 cups of milk

2tbsp curry powder 1lb ground meat 1lb Spaghetti Garlic Powder to taste Salt and Pepper to taste

Presumption of Action: 1. Boil water as directed for Spaghetti 2. If using the not-cheese-sauce recipe, melt the Velveeta in a pot 3. Add Milk until you get a loose sauce 4. Add in the cheese slowly until fully melted 5. Add milk to loosen sauce to a bit looser than desired. Add curry powder 6. Don’t panic as the water boils and now you have to manage the cheese sauce and the pasta. 7. Cook pasta to al dente (correct) 8. While pasta cooks, brown meat, add to sauce. 9. Loosen sauce with Milk if necessary. 10. Hold in the panicked screams as you drain the pasta and try to keep the sauce loose. 11. Combine sauce and pasta, season with garlic, salt, and pepper to taste. 12. Serve