IT’S HARD NOT TO FEEL SELF - CONSCIOUS. adam’s aware that he commands and demands attention. ( he’s equally aware that he’s cute. soft features, bright eyes, and a disarming grin. ) often loud, often smart - mouthed. he only cares for the attention of his partner : any other parties are merely figures in the background. he’s not an idiot, no matter how keen he is to play the role, and this was hardly his first time hanging off the arm of an older man. this is the first time he’s done so with a genuine smile on his face. but lawrence pulls away, avoids attempted pecks. he pulls him closer, but it doesn’t feel the same — it’s as if he pulls adam closer because he has something to prove, not because he wants him closer. ( he doesn’t follow lawrence’s gaze — he doesn’t want to. he’s far more content to keep eyes trained on lawrence’s face. TRIES NOT TO LET HIS CONCERN, OFFENSE, BOTH SHOW ON HIS FACE, at his partner’s hum. it doesn’t work. ) ‘ no, i really haven’t. i’m impatient. ’ there are biting snap - backs that die on the tip of his tongue, tired, almost bitter comments that adam swallows back. NO, he’s too happy to be here right now. he was here now, he could hold lawrence, see him — something much warmer, realer than phone calls slipped in the spare hours they’re both free and time zones don’t plot to keep them apart. ‘ — sorry. ’ here : the smile falters. his voice is dull, quiet, when he apologizes. home for less than fifteen minutes and he’s not helping his case. ‘ guess being ‘round a comedian for the past like, half a year made me think i was in a place to make jokes. i don’t want to leave, either. i missed you too bad — trying to sleep in the hotels was HELL. ’
a small smile is offered up, tender, soft. a gesture to say, I’M HERE NOW. ‘ y’know, i’m allowed to really like my job AND hate the fact that it pulls me away from you. wish you could tag along. ’ but it gets easier to smile, easier to tuck away that self - doubt and self - consciousness when he gets to turn the conversation away from him and back to lawrence as they wait for a taxi. ‘ well. what’d you do without me? must’ve been preeeeetty quiet, boring. NOW you’ve got me to annoy you non - stop for a MONTH. it’s like a dream. ’
lawrence flags down a taxi and ignores the obvious annoyance that is scrawled across adam’s face. THERE IS AFFECTION IN LAWRENCE : timid, unspoken, swelling in his heart like a symptom of some greater disease ( some would call it love, but lawrence has never been so impractical ). but it is a type of affection that is suffocated by prying eyes, numbed by whatever harsh glances could befall them ... the follies of youth do not guide him anymore. he is a man made of schedules and timings, a man with a smile that seems pasted onto his face, a man that can barely hold adam’s hand in public. HIS EX - WIFE HAD ACCUSED HIM OF LACKING WHIMSY. she had been right : childhood smothered, youth strangled, old age rearing its ugly head on him like a feral beast. the taxi driver grabs adam’s luggage and throws it into the the trunk of the car, lawrence reaches down to hold the door open for the younger man.
‘ you’re free to make jokes, you just have to realise that we have very different senses of humour. i’m not in my twenties anymore. ’ once adam was safely in the car, lawrence slid into place. soon enough, the driver was back in his seat, and the car was thrumming to life. LAWRENCE ATTEMPTED TO MAKE AMENDS FOR HIS EARLIER WINCE -- across the seats, he found adam’s hand and took it in his own ( care comes slowly, patiently, with his thumb pressed against adam’s pink - tamed knuckles ). ‘ was it as bad as the hotel in, where was it -- houston? the one with the pipes that leaked that odd green algae thing? we went for that medical conference. i’m not sure you if you remember much of it. ’
lawrence had very limited free time on trips like that : he only remembers attending boring lectures and sleeping on lumpy beds, with springs intent on reshaping his spine. HE THINKS THEY’D HAD A NICE DINNER THERE, BUT HE COULDN’T BE SURE IF IT HAD BEEN THAT CONFERENCE OR THE OTHER TWENTY. ‘ as much as i’m sure i’d enjoy gallivanting around with you, your twitter gives me enough of a headache with all the little updates. i’m not sure i could withstand it. ’ weary age and sleepless eyes, those are the signs of life that become lawrence ( a frail life, a quiet life ). ‘ besides, i’d miss diana too much ... i mostly worked. an old friend stopped by for dinner. the support group is going well, we’ve gotten two more members. ’