Ariana

Aria/Ariana||not my primary blog

[cutie-lil-aria]

so much happened...

A LOT happened. Currently, theres a pandemic called COVID-19 going on. This forced me to travel back to my hometown four months ago. I hate living here for this long... but anyway. aside from this stupid pandemic, we had to stay in the house for all those 4 months cause we weren’t allowed to leave the house EVER. in that 4 month period...some bad things happened. 

I think he’s cheating...

I’ve confronted him about it a couple times to communicate but I dont think my communication skills are really that great ngl. everything started on twitter and a friend of mine. this is the same friend who got together with my ex, so i hope you understand where im coming from when I become paranoid. anyway, it started with a tweet from her, a screenshot of a messenger convo. I looked at it and it was very similar to how Jam spoke to me. that’s where all the suspicion started. I didnt really think much of it at first but i found myself digging deeper and i saw patterns of similarity. I also saw a screenshot of a ame theyre playing and I saw his username and only his. This is what sparked everything. until i looked into steam and saw how often they played together and the games they had in common. she mentioned the games HE was playing as well and I found out he lets her borrow his account to play games on. She also kept mentioning on her twitter that this guy was buying her games which is a very common thing for Jam to do for me. He also paid for half of the amount for one game according to him. I confronted him about it, i was crying cus something really didnt feel right. i talked to one of his friends who he plays with very often asking who else he plays with and his friend mentioned the girl’s name. 

back story, im a bit upset over this friend for not coming to my 18th birthday and gave me different excuses. so i didnt know which one to believe. this really triggered my trust issues with her. I didnt mind that she got together with my ex, dont really care about that anymore but i became more cautious when Jam is involved.

So anyway, her bio was in japanese and translated to one of jam’s names and this sparked even more rage. it was the last straw when jam’s friend mentioned that she mentioned the guy’s initials which was JUST LIKE JAM’S initials. thats when i decided to confront him. he did give reasons for some but couldnt explain why she was able to mention his initials. i wanted him to cut ties with her completely. but i didnt make him. the tweets continued, screenshots and everything. Sometimes her tweets would mention some things ive talked to about with him that same day. it was freaking me out and making me paranoid. 

i stopped mentioning the issue a while ago when we had a fight. he even showed me a screenrecord of him blocking her on messenger and fb cus he got on twitter recently and saw my “not-so-subtle” tweet._. 

but... im still not entirely convinced because he’s becoming more active on twitter too. 

i keep thinking that maybe im becoming too toxic lately... the only way i know i can try to not let that happen is to let him breathe. I’ve got classes anyway, so i keep myself busy but I check up on him every once in a while. I try not to open up the topic again because i dont wanna have a fight over it again. 

it’s a little depressing that i can’t communicate with him about it. I feel like im at fault again...

but i’ll just let time do its thing.

I do love him. and i dont want to suffocate him. I just wish i could do more to be enough for him. 

[cutie-lil-aria]

Today is your birthday :)

Yes, to this day, I am talking about my sweet Jam. the same jam from 4 years ago. Today, you are officially 19 years old. Youve lived for 19 years. I’ve known you for 6 years, youve been my boyfriend for almost 5 years. There is so much I want to tell you that I cannot tell you directly. We aren’t exactly in the same place as we once were but regardless of that, I am grateful for having you in my life. So very fucking grateful. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am not only grateful because of the things you do for me, thats only part of the reasons why. You. Your entirety is what I am grateful for. Call me insincere for not mentioning it but theres just too much to mention. your smile, your laugh, your kindness, your generosity, your sincerity, so much to mention. You can deny it all you want but you dont see yourself the way i see you. I love you so much. 

I wish i knew how to show you i love you in a way that you want me to. i’m still trying to figure that out. but thank you for being patient with me. Happy birthday, my love. always remember that youre surrounded by people who care about you. and even when the world turns its back on you, I’ll be here for you with open arms to accept you as you are. 

I love you.

[cutie-lil-aria]

shit how many centuries has it been

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I remember him telling me that he necer gets jealous. (I forgot this part tho) so when he finally came over again before i left for hometown i suddenly relived all those times amd arguments and started crying cuz im only good for one thing. And he mentioned that he was just jealous and his feelings got the best of him.

So since we're going to the same new school for senior high, i wont be making any friends which is beneficial cuz u dont have to socialize B) and he doesnt have to be jealous anymore :)

[cutie-lil-aria]

Prom 2018

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WELELLLLLLLLL HELLO IM BACK FROM THE DEAD YES.

A lot soooo much things happened between us. It got to a point where it's like, we werent together anymore. It was before we graduated junior high school. We got into a lot of arguments. Not the screaming ones, never those but like the 'we're growing apart' kind and thats so much worse than the screaming argument(in my opinion tho). Im not a very argument-ridden person i dont like it, sometimes i just let time do the healing but i still had to speak for myself.

It got to a point too where things got complicated. Things were said like "i think we're better off as just friends", "i dont feel like we're together anymore", "it's like im nlt even the one youre dating", "i dont want to talk to you", "i dont love you anymore". A bunch of stuff, not exactly those words but our convos lead to those and it was countless nights of silently crying into my pillow and questioning everything i am. I mean, it's not his fault, it was mine. Maybe i thought i was being a good girlfriend but i wasnt. I was bekng the worst one and i havent realized until he said it. Im a hypocrite. A hypocrite for talking to other guys while i get jealous of him talking to other girls. I didnt restrict him but i admit that id get jealous because i dont get to talk to him as much in school but maybe he felt that i was restricting him anyway. We also had a convo bout his ex (from his childhood) and i think he misses her, which was okay i guess but i felt kinda sad cause the way he talks about her and how amazing she was because she understood him and helped him be more social instead of drowning in books as a kid and i realized i havent done a significant thing for him. And i want him to talk about me the way he talks about her. I realized i am less than nothing compared to her. I wish i could understand him like she did so i dont do everything wrong anymore. I want him to talk about me like he talked about her, i wanna be as important to him as she was. I dont deserve him. I dont know if thatll ever happen because what if the person he was looking for comes? The perfect one, idk how im gonna cope with that.

During prom preparations (before mar 23, 2018) thats when he kinda mentioned that he didnt feel the same way i did anymore and that shit felt like someone grabbed my throat and ripped my heart out and like squished it and grinded it into mush it just really hurt. He gave me a little riddle. I dont know why i let myself go through it cause he said that if i answer correctly "he'll love me again". That somewhat hurt and was a bit degrading but i love him so yea i took the challenge. It was hard at first so i didnt get it the first night. He would still talk to me but itd hurt when id open the chat idk.

Then i got really really confused because on prom night, he danced with me a lot while in the back of my mind i was reminded of the night before when ge said he didnt feel the same anymore. and at the end of the night on the ride home i was with him and i was falling asleep. I was just slouching down to lie on my knees but he let me lie on his shoulder, and he got me some mcdonalds, and when we got to my place, he gave me a kiss before i got off the car and it was 12midnight and i was confused affff. Cause you dont kiss someone after deliberately telling them you dont love them anymore that was fuuucked.

But that night, i finally answered the riddle and i was so relieved when he told me he loved me again. And he did say that he never stopped. I am just really happy.

We hit a few bumps but we work our way through it. All pain is worth it for him and for both of us.

I love him and we're almost at 3 years and i couldnt be happier😊😊😊

[cutie-lil-aria]

Best boyfriend 💕

[cutie-lil-aria]

HAI AGAIN MY JAM

It has been a really long time since i wrote here woah!! Butbim back and A LOT happened 0_0.

(Ok first off i got a new phone cause my dad flew to the philippines and we hung out cause mum said so. So we went to moa where mom works now, we ate A LOT, we went ice skating for the very first time, ate more and bought stuff) we got that covered then. Then these past months after our anniversary has been really okay too:3 But before 11/25 we had an argument.. and i got really scared cause… he was already thinking about if he wants to stay or leave… i couldnt bare it but what else was there to do but patiently wait for him? Fortunately, with the time he took, he also ate and suddenly, unexpectedly and in relief he was over it and all happy again xD it’s really funny but it did scare me a lotxD oh you! Then in school, we talk but not as often. I get jealous of his friends sometimes for the amount of full and enthusiastic attention he gives them. As for me, he just turns to me tells a joke or screams and sometimes would punch me for some reasonxD ive nothing against it hahaha it’s all for fun anyway:3 but i got a tiny bruise… but das okeh cause he didnt mean it and my body is super weak:3 he buys me milk causebi love milk, gives me food cause i get hungry and he loves his tata. He's a life-saver when i dont have materials for school work. But still, we barely talk anymore. Also cause he got a computer and shiz, so yeah it's a lot of 'BRB' so i can get out of his way. Lately ive been annoying him too and he gets annoyed unlike before lmao but i guess people really can change... maybe i did too.. maybe it's because we're growing. But i just hope we arent growing apart. It's such a gut-wrenching phrase to say.. But anywhoo, we're still okay:3 i still love him and he makes me the happiest and luckiest girl ever and i know he loves me. Even tho he doesnt want to be obvious, i still feel it.

[cutie-lil-aria]

You gotta learn to be different in a world where everyone is trying to be everyone else. I went to prom in an elegant dress, a pair of converse, and a sweater that says "Hug Dealer"

[cutie-lil-aria]

I think us arguing has been not so often but maybe some time to time we do cause i typically start it:l is2g i feel guilt everitym. Anyway. I think thats how we stayed together for so long~u~. I guess arguing kinda helps you hold on tighter. I think it's okay like that. Im just thankful it's not as often:)

[cutie-lil-aria]

Look at my adorable hubub and our new children Snoowie and Sweenie.

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HOLY FUCK I CELEBRATED AN ANNIVERSARY LAST MONTH WITH THE BEST PERSON THAT I LOVE SO MUCH!! IT'S THE BEST FEELING KNOWING THAT OTHER THAN YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, YOU HAVE ONE MORE SPECIAL PERSON THAT CAN LOVE YOU AND ENDURE YOUR INSANITY FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME. IM TOO HAPPY HOLY MOFO. MURRRY CHURSMAS EVERYBODY!

[cutie-lil-aria]

For the first time in forever<3 ive spent my time with him:3 im happy

[cutie-lil-aria]

We're almost 10 months in!! Wahoooo But we've been arguing a lot and i havent had enough time with him and all since he couldnt come over cause of the weather, he got sick, i had stuff to do. We became too busy for each other and that kinda made it awkward lately between us... idk when ill be able to be with him again... i miss him so much

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I bring a whole new meaning to the hunger games lmao

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We've lately been having arguments cause of me being jealous and emotional and shit. But he handles it so well that it isnt just me who's adjusting, it's us both and that makes me really happy amd makes me feel so relieved that i dont always have to adjust or feel guilty that he's always adjusting. I love him so damn much. And i know he loves me just as much:3

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I woke up this morning feeling extremely exhausted after friday's training. I also woke up to a good morning text from him and replied and accidentaly slept for another hour. When i woke up, he left a message saying he was at my front door. It was kinda raining a bit so i didnt think he would actually be there. At first i thought he was shitting me but i still went down to check. He was sitting there waiting for me and he just went straight in and took off his wet shirt and gave me a really big hug. I spent the entire day with him. In the morning, we slept until the afternoon. Woke up in the afternoon and bought stuff and cooked lunch and turned out to be really really good. Then we played a fun game using the tiny round candy he loves and wouldnt stop laughing. Then after that, we watched a movie for a bit. Then we were just lyin on the bed facing each other talking in a high-pitched weird accent voice and our bodies hurt so damn much but we still laughed our asses off even tho it hurts when we laugh. And it's just the sweetest thing to just come by amd spend the entire day with me. He was supposed to hang with his friends but he chose to stay with me:)