putting this here, because I don't know where else to put it.
I am, right now, going through one of the toughest breakups of my life. it can be so difficult to wrench your love away from someone, who you know doesn't appreciate it. I dated someone for ~2 years who was amazing, smart, kind, beautiful, made me feel special. But he was so insecure with himself, he was still in the closet to his family, and it leaked into every facet of his life. The way he treated me out in public, even in front of his closest friends... and I thought I could work through it with him, I thought I could mould him into a person that would love me out loud. Because I wanted that. I wanted to feel like he was proud of me, like he couldn't wait to hold my hand or give me a kiss in public. But instead he would be cold, and act like a stranger. We traveled the world together, I lived with him for over a year, and we did everything together. But in the end I had to put myself first, because I could not love myself enough for the two of us. I couldn't fill the space that he refused to acknowledge, no matter how much I willed it. And now I am immigrating abroad to chase my dreams (PhD) but the only thing I can bare to think of is him, and his smile, and his beautiful brown eyes. The way he wasn't afraid to love me in private, the way he made love to me... it's all so much. My heart feels near exploding, every single day. What I would give to hear his voice, to know that he's okay, to hear that he's missing me. Fuck.
