Relationships are weird science.
Now I don’t mean like that movie,Weird Science,
where you plug a bunch of stuff into a computer,
an amazing hot woman pops into your life,
and she makes all your dreams come true.
I mean like actual science.
When we are with that special someone,
our hearts– I mean our neural receptors
‘grow accustomed to their sensory input patterns,’
As Data from the Enterprise might say.
Endorphins tell us they matter.
Repeated exchanges of fluids and flattery
make us eager for them to stay.
Even if it’s only a second longer.
And that’s okay since time shifts in hue
and dilates in their presence,
until all eternity is coalesced
into a kiss and a three-word sentence.
At least that’s the desired result anyway.
But to find that romantic Eureka?
That takes such trial and error.
Sometimes the journey is darkened trails and terror.
Or errant tears and fury.
Or simply rolled eyes and ‘maybe’s’
that are usually just ‘probably not’s’.
Let’s take my plot, for example.
I began like most basically do.
With anyone harboring ample attraction.
Sometimes sharing commonalities that run so deep
or just mutual curiosity about one another’s anatomy.
After four years of high school,
I had my first four simple rules:
Not ditzy. No hard drugs.
Capable of authentic expressions of affection
and makes time for more than just the occasional hug.
College tends to bring it’s own unique discoveries:
Like, I don’t want someone who fears male genitalia,
or considers the bathroom plunger as sexual paraphernalia.
I want someone who understands when only cuddling would be fine,
and certaintly doesn’t think a threesome involves her canine.
Yeah.
My time abroad reminded me of the basics:
Trusting and lusting for more than merely the next thrill.
Even-tempered and not filled with violence or erratic rage.
Values substance over style and can read more than a page
before growing bored and lackadaisical.
And of course, faithful.
She should live in the secular and not the mystical.
She’d want to travel but also build stability.
Doesn’t assume my affections can be won through the purely physical.
Now that said, she should also enjoy getting wild and crazy
without sobbing fits of shame in the shower feeling unsavory.
Her goals and plans reach beyond retail or groceries.
We’d share the same general passions
but explored in divergent fashions.
Her value of equality should be most apparent
and absolutely, ABSOLUTELY NO RACIST PARENTS.
By the time I reached Manhattan in ‘014,
I had seen a plethora of paramours and potentials.
Enough that I knew what were essentials in my list of criteria.
Somehwere in the range of GODDAMN ALL OF IT.
So with my laptop trusty,
I plugged what I needed into OKC
and within a day or three,
my now girlfriend asked me out for coffee.
After all such thorough frustration and errors,
it’s no surprise that the resulting counter
is so talented, beauitful, and clever.
She gives me focus and wonder.
Such compassion and laughter
that now all my dreams are coming true.
Huh, what a coincidence!
I guess sometimes it IS just like Weird Science.
Who knew?
© C.J. Lightbourn 2016
