six feet from the edge

a really dumb vent blog id k      

[d--bunk]

weird.

but nah i'v e been ready for it, just.  never seemed like a good time even if we both wanted to lmao.  but iiii will grab stuff on the way home ye ah. pff.

puts face on you. what's it about.

[d--bunk]

1. if it doesn't come back tonight, we should.  ddddo it.  btw. 2. i just read back finally, what would i be mad about again??

[rxzbity-blog]

I hope it’s not weird for me to be doing this— I’m not sure if you’re even aware of me being here with you,— but I keep finding myself feeling all gross and sappy whenever I glance over at your face. I mean, there are still some bruises and all going on, but it doesn’t really matter. I like your face even if it’s a bit of mess. You’re still as pretty as ever, you piece of shit.

I’m having to stop myself from pressing dumb kisses against all of the little marks on your skin— I’m not so sure how you’d feel about waking up to that, or how you’re going to feel waking up with me there in general. I’m sorry in advance. I’m also sorry for things I’ve done before that have hurt you, because that is so wrong of me. So fucking wrong. No one deserves that bullshit— especially not someone important to me like you.

I thought I might not be serious about this, but I don’t think that’s the case. Every fucking time I’m around you I just resolve to feeling all warm and gross, but in a good way. You make me feel better, and God knows why, honestly. It’s so lame, this sounds lame. But I mean it.

I’ve been someone that I’m not lately, but I’m working on fixing that. I’m going to move past the things that I need to, I’m going to overcome my petty bullshit and get back to the place that I need to be. I can’t allow my ailments to overcome me, and I won’t allow them to any longer. Fuck giving in. I’m so much better than that. I’m stronger than that. I know it and I’ll execute that belief from here on out. I’m going to be fucking happy, and I’m the only person in charge of that. I control me. No one else, nothing else can do that, because I refuse to allow them to. I’m going to grow the fuck up and learn how to get myself back. I promise.

It’s almost one in the morning, and I love you. I’m certain that I do.

[d--bunk]

ssssssoo. wh o was it last ngi ht anyway lmao

[d--bunk]

sti ll doing break thin g but i love you be wa rm and safe or whatev e r i'm gonna try sleeping again.

[d--bunk]

rxzbity:

Not much. I’m in Denver, because why not. I’m currently hanging out with one of the Stans. I’ve been here since Wednesday morning. 

I thought you’d be offline for a lot longer than this, also. Why the change of heart?

anything interesting out there?  i pass through a lot and never actually stop for anything so i have like no idea.  incredible.

can't sleep. figured i'd see what's going on on the interwebs. saw you, figured i'd ask. 

[d--bunk]

rxzbity:

Who me?

yes you.

[d--bunk]

what' s up and everything??

[d--bunk]

call it a break for a few days. not over. just time for a breather, because i have too much other shit on my mind that i haven't felt comfortable talking about, and i need to sort it out.

i'll probably get on pc more after i have some time to collect myself and i'll let you know when we can just.  sit down and really talk about this shit.

i love you. i'm going to bed.  i have school in the morning.

[d--bunk]

just.

stop. stop purposely putting yourself in these situations.

because that's what you're doing.  it's on purpose. you can close a window.  you can block a person. you can listen to me and cut them out until you're done being extremely emotionally manipulated by every word they say.

but you don't.  get back to me when you've figured that out.

and no.  don't take this as some situation to instigate your self pitying shit, because that is also on purpose and obviously not helping either of us at all.

stop doing all of this.

i've stuck it out because i really do like you a lot. just stop making everything hard for yourself all the time, for no reason.

obviously, it's not cute. i've been afraid to say this MULTIPLE TIMES because of how quickly you jump to the suicidal crap and the self-loathing, but right now, i'm just.

so frustrated i don't think i even care right now. if you want to go back to that, then fine.  because that will show what you think of me and my opinions. i just needed to say this at some point, because god.  seriously. 

[d--bunk]

it's????  that i try to talk you through shit. and every single time, it ends up being for nothing.

i can't think of one time you haven't doubled back on the very thing i just tried to fix all of two days before.

i have problems going on, too. but i feel like talking about them is just going to make you even worse. and i can't do it. 

[d--bunk]

i guess.

[d--bunk]

consider the following: ditching my blog for a while =/= i'm dumping you without saying something. it means i need a fucking break from everything. chill out. it's the insecurity like that that's driving me up a wall to the point i don't even feel like i can talk about anything else that's been bothering me bc somehow it'll come down to this again whether it's about you or not, and?? i don't know what to even do anymore.

i'm not nor have i ever been the smartest kid in this fucking down. my patience for anything has always been incredibly low.

the fact i've tried as hard as i have this long is amazing for me, and i'm feeling like it doesn't matter at this point, so i just need, you know, some space to breathe ???

wow. impossible. 

[d--bunk]

i love you shh he's not important.

[d--bunk]

ok but if you're gonna hit on my boyfriend, stop being such an obvious piece of shit about it lmao

[d--bunk]

s o happy i dont' eve n knwo i k ee p dying from sn eezing an dcoughi ng fits but i' m still so happy

[rxzbity-blog]

01.02.2015, 12:14am

[d--bunk]

rxzbity:

Ever since I lay down next to you not too long ago, I’ve been pressing stupid little kisses against your face and occasionally leaning over to press my face into your side.

Your breathing is starting to sound a lot better, and I’m so happy that you let me tak e care of you. I feel all gross and warm inside over it, and I hardly know wha t to do with myself, haha. You are so precious to me, and I can’t help b ut be upset with myself for hurting you those times that I did. I’m such a selfish douchebag, and you still love me despite that.

I’m so luck y to have you— I think I may cry about it. I’m not an easy person to deal with, and I’m so sorry for that. You’re such a trooper fo r putting up with that. I don’t think that I thank you enough, that I let you know this enough, that I tell you how much you mean to me, enough.

Can you believe it’s already a new year? In a week or so we’ll have known each other a month. It’s weird to think of how quickly time passes. Either way, I don’t mind it.

It’s 12:14am,  And I love you so much.