indigo

a writer stuck in a rural town she/her🌙

[d1amondeyez]

you’ll keep every aspect of who you are hidden; a secret, so that when you grow tired of everyone around you, at least you can say that none of them knew you

[d1amondeyez]

you’ll never have my heart again, if you have any say in it. if i had a say, i’d rip it out and put it still beating in your palms. i’d ask you to love it.

it’s only ever belonged to you, anyway.

[d1amondeyez]

wasn’t gonna drink tonight but tiktok just went dark 💔

[d1amondeyez]

i wish i would’ve left more scars on you, i wish my claws would have sunk in just a bit deeper. i wish i could have left you with one last reminder of me, how you once carried my heart in your palm, and how once i let you

[d1amondeyez]

To lay my hand in yours and for you to hold it is heaven enough for me. when you brush your thumb over each one of my knuckles, i feel as if each one is important, as if each one is worthy of a touch like yours. for a moment, i am yours and you are mine. but the moment will pass, and i will remember and you will see that there is no beauty left in me, nothing worth worship or devotion. you will see small bursts of light shine through my rotten insides, and you will convince yourself that i am full of it. i am not, but i hope you'll remember the light you saw when you think of me years later, when i am nothing but the memory of a hand holding yours

[d1amondeyez]

you were not meant to fight, you were not meant to live in fear or bear your teeth. it’s not who you are, for you are not a violent dog. you were something soft once, something precious and made to be held with care, but you have learned that no man has soft hands, and to survive is to claw and bite and scratch. that doesn’t mean it’s who you are, it’s only who you’ve been forced to be

[d1amondeyez]

when i feel nothing i have never felt anything at all, and when i feel grief i have been plagued with it all my life. i am one extreme to the next, i am all at once joy and light and beauty, and in the same breath i am closing my eyes and hoping that i wont wake in the morning. i am running from everything while being frozen in fear, because while i was taught to never stop running, i am stagnant in my own mind, like i cannot move on but i cannot possibly stay. i dont know how to be many things, i can be something or nothing at all, but i cannot do both at once

[d1amondeyez]

your grief flows through your blood and it comes out through you arm, it turns into ink on your paper, it says what your mind cannot. it accumulates and builds and builds inside of you until you can’t hold yourself up, and the only thing to catch you is the bathroom floor

[d1amondeyez]

selfishly, you dont want anyone to know you. you want to keep that just for yourself. you tell yourself over and over that if no one can see you, then no one can burrow their way into your heart and no one can you leave you. by hiding yourself, you will leave everyone before they ever got the chance to stay

[d1amondeyez]

my bones hold onto you, you seep through my hands and out through my fingers tips, you create what i write with pen and paper. everything beautiful and everything tragic, anything i’ve ever said at all, has stemmed from you carving your initials into my heart

[d1amondeyez]

the sun will warm your soul and romanticize your life, but the moon will soothe the ache that plagues your heart and it will make the tides in the ocean, it will show you what the sun cannot. it will show you the stars

[d1amondeyez]

whatever is wrong with me, whatever made my insides rot and gnawed away at my bones until they were dwindled down to nothing, whatever it is, it will kill my soul one day, and along with it will go my body

[d1amondeyez]

the cold doesn’t last forever, because the snow goes away with the sun and the anger you feel will dwindle and dull away with time. you will once again lay in the soft grass on a summer afternoon, and once again you will keep living and experiencing, and along the way your hatred will stop following behind you, it will silently walk down another path.

[d1amondeyez]

selfishly, you dont want anyone to know you. you want to keep that just for yourself. you tell yourself over and over that if no one can see you, then no one can burrow their way into your heart and no one can you leave you. by hiding yourself, you will leave everyone before they ever got the chance to stay

[d1amondeyez]

let the sun kiss your face and let the moon cradle you to sleep, let the grass hold your weight and let the breeze touch your hair. you are the universe experiencing being human for the first time, let nature hold you

[d1amondeyez]

you don’t know how to exist in your own skin, you don’t know the comfort of being held and soothed and assured. soft hands have never held your heart like it’s something precious and fragile, therefore you cannot know how to hold it gently, with care, and you don’t know to mend it after it’s been bruised

[d1amondeyez]

i’m tired. i spend all day in some sort of haze that i don’t know how to break. i watch my life pass by through eyes that do not feel like my own. i love you and it makes my head ache, it makes me dizzy in all the wrong ways because how can i love someone who doesn’t know how ugly my insides are. you don’t see the rot that has spread through my blood and what’s left of my decayed bones. you don’t see it because i do not want you to, i don’t want you to look at me through my eyes.

but mostly, i’m tired.