Undecided

She / Her. TW trauma and heavy kinks

[d4magedgoods]

The feeling that I was most “romantically” and sexually attractive to men (21+) when I was a child is so fucking depressing.

From the moment I turned 18, there was a gradual decay in the amount of men pursuing me. The fact that I felt more desired by adults from ages 9-17 than I do as a 20 year old adult makes me want to rip my skin off.

I feel used. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted.

[d4magedgoods]

i just wanna feel happy. i wanna feel love

i wanna stop going through a mental death every other day

[d4magedgoods]

The feeling that I was most “romantically” and sexually attractive to men (21+) when I was a child is so fucking depressing.

From the moment I turned 18, there was a gradual decay in the amount of men pursuing me. The fact that I felt more desired by adults from ages 9-17 than I do as a 20 year old adult makes me want to rip my skin off.

I feel used. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted.

[d4magedgoods]

I am truly understanding that I must be compassionate to my younger self. I feel like because I'm still fairly young and because of how children like me were (and continue to be) adultified, I fail to understand that I spent most of my life as an actual child. I have had such a hard time understanding that but I am slowly acknowledging that.

Children are children. Children have the right to innocence, naivity, and safety. I had the right to all these things and if these rights were not granted to me then it cannot be my own fault.

What power does a child have in our world? None, not socially, legally, or mentally. So how can I be responsible for any of the abuse or mistreatment I have faced at the hands of adults or even other children?

How can I be angry at a child who was alone, scared, and exploited? I can't, it doesn't make sense nor is it fair to that child who l've grown from.

[d4magedgoods]

i miss the way he used to talk to me.

[d4magedgoods]

:(

[ludaprilgate]

this could be us

[d4magedgoods]

i want to serve cunt

[d4magedgoods]

i feel like my brain is just floating in a vat of liquid suicide that’s made up of compounds of the darkest memories and traumas, all my disappointments, all my self hate and doubt.

it’s boiling hot and bubbling.

and it’s like my brain has gradually been disintegrating throughout the years as the vat has become more toxic and more filled. like i literally feel my brain just dying under the weight of my memories and thoughts.

[d4magedgoods]

it feels so good falling for and romantically talking to someone my age. i feel normal. i don’t feel as dirty. i still feel broken and damaged but it isn’t as strong…

…but then i’ll get played or abandoned and i go right back to men twice my age who exploit me and my sexual trauma and i let them.

i just want to be loved by someone. maybe that will melt some of the pain away. maybe genuine love can mend my mind and body. right?

[lifeinpoetry]

I am hungry for touch & ashamed to be looked at

— Safia Elhillo, from "Summer," Girls That Never Die

[d4magedgoods]

my family about to make the same mistake they did with me by not taking internet safety with someone and it hurts to see in time like. especially since my mom specifically knows how that fucked me up, but she isn’t even the problem. parents in general from the younger to older do not take internet safety serious.

[d4magedgoods]

TW: Suicidal Thoughts

my suicidal thoughts have become less of invading thoughts that have been swirling throughout my life and more of the foundation of the way my brain thinks. i don’t have to be spiraling and even in a negative mood to be suicidal.

i was having good morning and i imagined how great it would be if my train crashed and died quickly. how badly i wanted it. then when i turned into a bad day, i couldn’t stop thinking about how i hate my life and i just wanted to die already.

i’m suicidal whether i’m somewhat happy or really bad. i don’t know how to deal with that.

[d4magedgoods]

it’s been a while since i posted.

[giritina]

[d4magedgoods]

older men can be awful and fucked up. a lot of them are just waiting for the opportunity to fetishize ( your / the idea of ) young age or sexual trauma. it’s depressing and these seem like the only men that i attract.

i’ve been dealing with this ever since i turned 18, after spending 8 years being groomed and sexually exploited by older men both online and in real life.

it’s depressing.

that’s what made me more critical of trauma kinks specifically with the “doers” especially if they aren’t even victims. idk.

[chrisdornerfanclub]

There’s nothing inherently sexual about a drag show. Sex and sex related topics are not the focus of the performance. Don’t let fascist propaganda convince you that family friendly drag performances are sexual.