shit's lit.

yo. whaddup. bonjour. ✌️ Joshua Damien Smythe. If for some reason you dropped in looking for one of my brothers; they don't even go here. I don't really know what to say? I'm bad at literally everything that I've ever tried to do, ever. I like coffee, thunder storms, creepypasta, and shitty jokes. If you wanna be friends, come back later and try again.

[pickinguptheshattered-blog]

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[daamndamien-blog]

but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you.

[daamndamien-blog]

xmusiings:

I’ve got shadows in hiding

                    Way down inside me    Sometimes they work to the s u r f a c e                                         In just the right lighting

[daamndamien-blog]

holdensmythe replied to your photo: ♥ 264 like this.↳ INSTAGRAM: @damnien uploaded a...

So, like, my room is unlocked.

I guess we all know what that means.

[daamndamien-blog]

☀️ you make me happy when skies are grey. 

[daamndamien-blog]

holdensmythe:

– PRIVATE.

Like the people you work with? Well, no one needs to know you unless you see fit. It’s up to you who you let in, Damien. Not everyone has to know more than your name. In fact, maybe it’s safer for you if they don’t. The only people I truly trust are you, the rest of our brothers, Nan and Papa, and Anna. And we’ve been just fine that way, haven’t we?

You know, sometimes I feel like you care so much about lifting me up that you forget about being happy yourself.. but what’s actually true is exactly what you just told me. It’s okay for both of us not to be okay. You don’t have to sacrifice your well being for me to be happy or vice versa. I can’t just focus on me and Anna right now though because I need to focus on you too. Because without you, I’m almost certain there’d be no more me. I love you so much.

And you’re mine.

-- PRIVATE.

Like the people I work with. Like the people that follow me on social media. You’re a better person than I am, Hold. Sometimes I don’t think I can trust anyone other than you. Not even myself. I don’t mean that I don’t trust our family, because I do, but... they can’t see me. I can’t let them. I would feel worse knowing that they were worrying about me. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. 

I care about you more than I care about myself. It’s what keeps me from completely losing my mind. If it weren’t for you -- I don’t know if I’d still be here. Physically, maybe, but not emotionally. I’d have shut down entirely. You kept coming back for me, even when you were drowning as well. I called and made an appointment with a really successful psychologist yesterday, but an hour later I called back and canceled it. I’m just so fucking scared of letting people in. I freeze up when people try to get to know me. All of my thoughts begin to scramble, and I lose the ability to speak coherently. So I either make up a reason to leave or I change the subject; depending on what it was. But you... I want to talk to you for hours. I want to show you every crack and corner in my mind. It’s not pretty, though. It’s really not. And I find myself hesitating constantly, because I don’t want it to effect you the same way. You’re everything. 

I was starting to wonder if I’d ever fill the void in my heart. With Ari; I felt happy, content. I still felt bound by chains. I never would have admitted that out loud. I wanted to be happy with her and so I told myself that I was, and maybe I really was, but the dynamic with Ari is so different from the dynamic with you. I don’t have to hide my scars from you. I don’t have to fight with myself to tell you what I’m thinking. And I never want to think of a world without you in it. 

There couldn’t be a world without you in it. 

[daamndamien-blog]

I try desperately to run through the sand As I hold the water In the palm of my hand Cause it’s all that I have And it’s all that I need and The waves of the water Mean nothing to me But I try my best And all that I can to Hold tightly onto What’s left in my hand But no matter how How tightly I will strain The sand will slow me down And the water will drain I’m just being dramatic In fact, I’m only at it again As an addict with a pen Who’s addicted to the wind As it blows me back and forth Mindless, spineless, and pretend Of course I’ll be here again See you tomorrow But it’s the end of today End of my ways As a walking denial My trial was filed as a crazy Suicidal head case But you specialize in dying You hear me screaming, “Father, ” And I’m lying here just crying So wash me with your water

[daamndamien-blog]

holdensmythe:

– PRIVATE.

I know there are multitude of songs, Dame. And I also know you better than anyone does–at least that’s what you always tell me–so, yes. We probably are thinking of the same one.

It always gets difficult around the holidays… Always. Not to project my feelings onto yours, of course, sorry… It’s just that I’ve made that connection personally. Every single fucking year since she left, Thanksgiving and Christmas start to roll around and suddenly it feels like I’m a zombie. And Anna always asks where her mother is this time of year… and every year I tell her the same ridiculous thing. I’m sorry that I haven’t been… present lately, Dame. I’m really, really sorry. But, I mean, I… I can try to be your safe harbor again. 

-- PRIVATE.

You do know me better than anyone else. As a matter of fact, some people don’t even really know me at all. 

Hey... You don’t have to worry about being strong for me. Being in the same room as you makes me feel so lifted. I don’t ever want you to feel selfish or less worthy of my love because you can’t always be happy, too. I’m going to be okay. I’m even better right now. I need you to focus on yourself, and on Anna, especially this time of year. You don’t need to be Superman; trying to save everyone else around you. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere and we can be a little bit lost together, okay? 

You’re my safe harbor always.

[daamndamien-blog]

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6TH.

I know I said that I couldn’t write to you anymore, but it’s like I can feel you in my bones where ever I go.

I've been hearing your name a lot lately. There's a guy that's become a regular at work, and his name is Kyle, too. He doesn't look much like you, but I still see your face whenever I look at him. It's hard to look at him. He must wonder why.

I didn’t think my hands would still tremble when I held a picture of you, they do. I feel so sick inside, like I shouldn’t be looking, like I don’t deserve to. The feeling envelops me from every direction. It’s a deep, hollow sadness; covering me like a blanket. It doesn’t go away even hours after seeing you. I have to wash my hands again, and again, and a g a i n.

I haven’t been sleeping. I close my eyes and think of something good, something happy. You creep up on me every time. I see you standing there all alone, crying, chest heaving. Your fingers are locked around the gun, eyes fixed on your reflexion in the mirror. You say to yourself, “I have to get you out of my head.” A second passes, and then another one, and then you stop crying. You pull the trigger. I keep my eyes open after that.

Holden doesn’t know how bad it is. I feel like shit for keeping it from him, but he doesn’t know how bad it is.

I want to rip you out of my skin.

I hate myself.

I’m so fucking fucked up.

[daamndamien-blog]

♥ 264 like this.

↳ INSTAGRAM: @damnien uploaded a photo.

you have to fucking live.

[rachelgellergreen]

me @ myself

[daamndamien-blog]

rowanchu:

i feel you. 

dude, you had me at kitten. gimme.

Wow. Either my power of persuasion is phenomenal or I didn’t know you actually liked cats. 

Regardless; I feel accomplished. I’ll stop by with the little guy after work if you’re going to be there?

[daamndamien-blog]

thehottestsmythe:

It’s like a Christmas party but with sex. Why is that so hard to understand?  It’s mostly a bunch of hot actors boning. 

How are you gonna look at me like I’m stupid for asking a question when every party you go to is a party with sex?

I don’t care what you do with your life, dude, but don’t come at me with the ‘why is that so hard to understand’ bullshit. It’s a little hard for anyone to understand why you’d hop on any dick so long as it’s available, but we aren’t here to judge. 

[tarotranispace]

[daamndamien-blog]

@holdensmythe

[sirsebsmythe]

I got invited to a Christmas orgy. How’s that for the season for giving? 

[daamndamien-blog]

A Christmas orgy? The fuck? Is that just a bunch of people with Santa hats whippin’ their dicks out in the snow all night? 

[daamndamien-blog]

rowanchu:

well, thankfully the ones i did attend, everyone was civil to each other. surprisingly, but it happened.

i could baby-sit the other three? i need dogs to cheer me up and fill that hole in my non-existent heart and all that.

Even so; being around that many people is not on the list of things that I enjoy really deep in my heart, you know?

That’s very sweet of you, Roboat. I’ll see if I can hook you up. In the meantime, there’s a girl that I work with and she’s trying to get rid of a kitten if you’re interested? I think she said he’s around five or six months, he’s been fixed, vaccinated, and all of that good shit. He’s got a name already, but she said that he pretty much answers to anything if you wanted to change it. Anyway; you might not be much of a cat person, but he’s cute as fuck and I believe that even the angriest of people could melt at the sight of him. 

[daamndamien-blog]

thehottestsmythe:

…That’s…

Yeah. It is.  You OK? 

I’m good. Thanks for asking.

[daamndamien-blog]

rowanchu:

it depends which protest you attend, because yeah, there’s a bunch of idiots who’d rather trash and cause ruckus in the city…  

tell him he owes you like, five now.

Right, and I try to avoid idiots at all costs. I’m sure they’re cool people and all, but once you start breaking shit, you gotta go.

I don’t know if we could handle five puppies. Maybe two, but that’s sort of pushing it at the moment. Our apartment isn’t that big.