I watched a movie last night, in the middle of a hormonal disorder, an overreaction that brought me a huge disappointment on myself, and an anxiety episode. Considering the whole mental state I was in while watching the movie, plus the background behind the recommendation, it can be easily understood that I was in a swirl of emotions that made me prone to leverage the messaging to whatever my own mental illness was able to interpret to give meaning to that precise moment in my life.
The movie shows 4 stories told to a child by a monster, the first story talks about a witch that was falsely accused by a prince for killing his fiancée so that she could marry him and continue been queen. There was no proof, but she was a witch, anyway, and her intentions were in fact, at some point, to find a way to continue ruling. It was very easy to understand why everybody believed the prince and attacked the “evil” witch. Yes, her thoughts were evil and her actions in the past might not have being the most ethical, but the truth was she didn’t kill the princess to-be, it was the prince who did it.
There is evil in good people, and there is good in evil, too. It is not white or black. It doesn’t matter if we feel or want to do something evil, what matters is how we conquer that feeling and how we avoid the transformation of an evil thought into actions. It matters how we conquer our own human psyche and nature. Dafnxiety, for example is not always bad. Yes, she drives us all crazy, me more than the rest of the world – literally – but it’s not always that bad to live with anxiety. When I’m not on an episode, I have a higher sensitivity to understand certain situations that people without anxiety can’t. Bigger compassion that helps me comprehend people’s feelings and behaviors deeply. I overthink things so much that I have a huge inventory of information stored in my head that helps me connect dots easier and faster allowing me to do more precise assumptions, and know things by “gut” that are not and will not be told to me. I am always expecting the worse, so I follow rules carefully avoiding tragedies; I always have a plan b and I always have a way to come out with a salvation plan within minutes. And I fix disasters. And I build things from zero dealing with the frustration of failing. I’m always prepared. And I iterate constantly, with grace – after the panic attack is gone, of course. The personal dimension as side, how could I be a good Marketing professional and Marketing teacher if I didn’t excel in those skills? So, I embrace my anxiety, and now, I know it is not about suppressing it or deleting it. It is about outsmarting her.
The prince in the story wanted the whole kingdom to believe him so he took care of every single detail to make up the perfect crime scene. But in the verge of getting his very well planned goal he also sacrificed the “love of his life” for something apparently bigger in him: greed. His greed was so big that it didn’t allow him to see what he was losing and doing to his beloved fiancée, nor that the reality he created in his mind to fool all, was not real and would never be, no matter who believed him or how hard he wanted to believe it. We naturally tend to believe our own lies to justify actions that are not in line with our personal values or level of ethics as an attemp of silencing our morals, but in the end, we all know we cannot silence them and they will stick with us forever. Either we learn to deal with them or they will be a burden for life.
“Humans are complicated beasts. You believe comforting lies, while knowing full well the painful truth that makes those lies necessary” the monster said, later in the movie. When I am in an anxiety crisis I come up with the best lies that make me feel I am in control by anticipating the worse, and somehow, I make myself believe in those lies so that I can have a good excuse to fire-back before even getting fired at! Just as the witch that was judged for her past actions and the burden of being labeled as a witch, I convince myself that I can see how I will be attacked in the future, and I start defending myself without any plausible cause. Hurting people, relationships and all to protect one evil, but very natural part of me: my ego.
The last story, talked about letting go. How Connor wasn’t able to let go of her mom because of fear, but at the same time he was hoping to end the episode his mom and him were living, just because he wanted to finish the pain. He couldn’t handle the guilt of wishing his mom´s death to avoid more ache on him. My anxiety is filled with unreasonable and reasonable fears, as well as unfunded guilt. I tend to think I am not good enough and I tend to think everyone is going to leave me for someone better, someone easier to love, someone less complicated – and although many actually do, it shouldn’t be my business who wants or can stick to me as a whole. I shouldn’t act on this, since it is unfair to the people that surrounds me. And I should focus my energy on other bigger, more important issues, I have to deal with on a daily basis, instead. Like being the best version of me every day and outsmarting my BFF that will never abandon me: Dafnxiety.
So, as I said to you yesterday, trust is lost, not gained. But it is also a choice. And if I value confidence as an ingredient on any kind of relationship I need to stop fooling myself and make a choice. From this point forward, I fully trust you. No middle terms. And from this day on, I let go the fact that my trust might or might not be betrayed. That there is still a chance that you might on purpose hurt me and my ego on-the-go. That what happened in the past, since I accepted it, should stay there and never be brought back. And I know now that whatever comes I cannot control, nor anticipate or even less I cannot defend myself from something you haven’t done, yet.
Yes, anxiety disorder is a mental illness and I need a whole of understanding and support, but that doesn’t mean I can’t control it to avoid hurting those I love.
