Here We Go Again

Middle-aged mom struggling with loss of my dad. Met Jim on tumblr, fell madly in love, and married him. Now living in Eugene.

[dafuqnext]

My mom left yesterday. She came to go to Boy23’s graduation and stayed for two weeks.

I wanted to appreciate our time together. I didn’t invite her to visit just to wish she would go home.

But I really did not enjoy her company.

At ninety-two, she’s a shadow of the person she used to be. She’s now a boatload of work in all new ways, requiring far more time and attention, but I felt more detached around her than I ever have.

She can’t truly hear me, doesn’t remember anything any more, and repeats herself constantly. It’s really not easy to feel a connection.

I stuck it out. I spent hours sitting outside with her, talking, yet almost none of it was original or meaningful. It was constant small talk, reminding her who is doing what and where they are now, over and over, day after day.

So little of the visit was valuable time spent together.

I know I should be happy she’s still able to come visit. I only wish I enjoyed it.

[dafuqnext]

I’ve Got an Empty Nest and a Hole in my Chest

I don’t know how I feel right now.

Boy23 has moved out. He graduated from University on Monday and drove his final load of stuff up to his partner’s apartment in Portland on Tuesday.

In September, he starts a two year program to get his ASL interpreter certification. He’s only two hours away, and he still has friends here, so it’s not like I will never see him.

But still, I have become a typical empty-nester, feeling all the grief, the loss, the quiet of it all.

I had my first child at 30, and for the vast majority of the last 36 years, I had at least one child at home.

The rational part of me points out that I’ve been here before. That I have waved goodbye many times to my kids and have survived.

I have even had two dry runs to practice and prepare for this. After the divorce, each time my youngest went to live with his father, it broke my heart.

But grief is funny. I can’t rationalize it away. Objective reasoning won’t stop the tears.

Third time is the charm, then?

[dafuqnext]

Spending a week on the island of Bequia in St Vincent and the Grenadines

Ocean view room with our own private pool

I could get used to this

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I Get Older But Just Never Wiser

I bought my fixer-upper house back in March. So back when I booked my trip with my family for the end of September, I couldn’t have foreseen that my new cabinets were going to get installed when I was on the trip.

But no problem, because Jim stayed home and he could supervise. I left him and the contractor a full layout of exactly how I wanted the cabinets done, detailed pages with exact specifications, plus I was available if there were questions.

I got home and I was exhausted, but I wanted to go over and see my new kitchen and yeah, it looked pretty good. The upper cabinets were still being installed. My focus and attention was on the fact that the cabinets did not go all the way to the ceiling, and how it was going to look with multiple crown moldings.

I was so jet lagged that I t didn’t occur to me to check the install against the design plan.

Finally, yesterday, after the countertop installers had left, I stood back and looked at my new kitchen as a whole. And realized that the lower cabinets on the wall had not been installed the way I had designed them.

I had wanted them to be [large door] [small pullout] {range} [small pullout] [large door] so that it would be symmetrical.

What I got was [large door] [small pullout] {range} [large door] [small pullout]

Not the same

And I had missed it.

And now it was too late.

Sigh.

Then, after far too long of trying to explain to Jim what was wrong, to the point that we were both getting annoyed with each other, his response was “So what?” Aargh.

Yeah, I get it. So what? It’s not the end of the world. I know. I know. No one else will even notice that it isn’t symmetrical. I’m certainly not going to flip out and insist they fix it.

But please don’t minimize this. I have a right to get upset. I will see it every time I look at it. It’s not what I designed. It is not what I wanted.

Of course I’ll get used to it. I’m sure I can laugh it off to people as I didn’t want it to look too symmetrical.

But at the end of the day, I left Jim and the contractor with the responsibility of installing the cabinets the way I had designed them and they didn’t do it.

And instead of saying, “Sorry”, Jim said, “So what?”

What am I expected to do with that?

I will acknowledge that I have made multiple mistakes trying to remodel this house. In hindsight, I really should have spent the money on a professional who could have managed this for me.

But I didn’t expect to leave my husband with the responsibility of overseeing an important step, only to discover that he just didn’t care enough to make sure it was done the way I wanted.

Ugh. Will I think about that every time I look at my kitchen?

[dafuqnext]

Update on Simon:

Somehow the butthead managed to poke himself in the neck with something long and pointy.

The vet pulled out a small ball of skin and fur that had been pushed underneath his skin.

He is home, no worse for wear.

No clue what he did or how.

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My grandcat (but really my cat) is a butthead.

Earlier this week, we noticed that Simon had a good sized lump on his neck. It was tender and swollen and he didn’t want us touching it.

By this morning, the lump had reduced in size. But I wasn’t taking any chances, so off to the veterinarian we went.

The vet was concerned that his microchip may have abscessed (not a common occurrence, I was told).

If Simon had been behaving, she could have just stuck the needle in right then and there. But of course, he hissed at her the minute she walked in the room.

So they’re keeping him so they can sedate him first. A simple visit just went over $500.

Butthead cat

[dafuqnext]

I spent the last two weeks with family and I’m still trying to digest everything that happened.

All I can say is I am so glad to be back home.

My family is exhausting and damaging to my psyche and I will need weeks to recover. I can wish forever that it were different but eventually, I have to accept this obvious fact.

I believe this was my last family vacation.

[dafuqnext]

I got my hair cut and now I look my age

[causticgrip]

Today is International Cat Day.

You know what to do.

[dafuqnext]

[bintro]

​i’m such a fake idgafer everything bothers me tbh

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He’s writing

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I’ve been going to ceramics class weekly for over eight years.

I’m really proud of my tortoise.

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A Very, Very, Very Fine House

So back in March, I bought a single story house.

I found the house. I fell in love with the house. I decided I wanted to buy the house.

Jim did not.

Jim said that he doesn’t want to move.

I took that to mean that it didn’t matter what I found, he was never going to be willing to leave his current home.

I’ve been telling him for years that I need to move into a single story home. I hate being in constant pain, and climbing up and down the stairs in his house isn’t helping.

He still doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t have any reasoning or explanation. That’s just how he feels.

So I bought the house. I could, so I did.

It almost blew up our marriage.

I realize it was a totally selfish decision.

Yes, Jim got left out of it all, because his answer was no and I didn’t like that answer.

It did all happen suddenly. I will concede that. But that’s how the real estate market works. You can’t sit and think about something because you’ll lose it. You have to take the opportunity when you see it.

And for someone who clearly doesn’t like change, that only compounded his discomfort with the whole process.

It seems like this whole situation should have come to a head by now, but because Jim has been following The Boss around Europe for the last nine weeks, he hasn’t had to think about the house until now. He finally came home on Saturday.

We’ve been remodeling, or I should say, I’ve been remodeling the house this whole time. I was hoping we could be moved in by the time Jim got home from Europe, but not even close. It won’t be done until August or September.

There are often unresolved issues in most marriages, but this is a big one. Fortunately, he did agree to move but he is definitely not happy about it.

[dafuqnext]

I grew up with parents who constantly invalidated my feelings. My Ex did the same.

I never stopped and analyzed their behavior and how it affected me.

But I have spent my life apologizing for my feelings, worrying that I am overreacting, and being embarrassed about being too emotional.

Recently, I was snagged by a “If your parents said these phrases to you” article in a psychology magazine. It would appear I do not search for introspection but it seems to seek me out instead. Lol.

The paragraph that got to me explained why I do not trust or believe in my feelings.

It was like being smacked upside my head.

Of course, now I am berating myself for taking so long to see it. And for putting up with it my whole life long.

[dafuqnext]

So when I’m texting and the other person responds to my text with a thumbs up, are they saying they are done communicating?

Because it kinda hurts my feelings. Like they just slammed the door in my face.

Just me?

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I know they mean well, but…

When doctors start talking about sugar and cholesterol and diet and exercise, what they aren’t saying out loud is that I need to lose weight.

Sigh.

[dafuqnext]

Ugh, where do I start?

Back in February, Jim and I went on vacation to Ecuador and the whole time, I was in pain. Almost every day of the trip, by mid-afternoon, I was wiped out and in bed.

One evening, while Jim was downstairs enjoying dinner, I stayed back in our room completely spent and angry at Jim at some perceived slight.

Worn out, frustrated, and feeling oh so sorry for myself, I decided I was done traveling until I felt better. That meant canceling on our joint two month journey through Europe following Bruce Springsteen this summer, leaving Jim to make the trip by himself.

Of course, when we got home, I had the last of a series of procedures on my back. I say last, because it worked. The doctors zapped four nerves in my lower spine and they are officially dead. Until they grow back in about two years, I should be pain free.

So now I get to stay home while Jim travels for nine weeks.

I do get to still enjoy the transatlantic cruise that was too late to cancel. We leave today from New York City, sailing to the UK. We will visit my uncle and his family in Hastings for a few days, then Jim heads up to Manchester for his first concert and I fly home.

At least we get a full week at sea together with no errands or responsibilities and can just relax.