boy has it been a while! does anyone still check this blog?
i’m maggie, i started this blog a very long time ago, probably in high school when i had a lot more free time. i’ve graduated now and recently, i went back to tokyo to see the CCS exhibit! CCS is the reason why i started reading manga and eventually studying japanese, and i can say without a doubt sakura has had an incredible impact on my life. i’m truly grateful to CLAMP for this amazing manga and all of their work on all of their series over the years. the exhibit itself was BEAUTIFUL and words can’t describe how amazed i was by all the small details in the art, the costumes, and every piece of the exhibit itself! i found the flower room, where everyone who visits gets to place a flower sticker somewhere in the room, incredibly moving. sakura is still so loved by so many people.
going to the CCS exhibit was a little bit like stepping back in time while looking at the present too. seeing the old works side by side with art from the clear card arc reminded me of my original memories with sakura and her friends, but also of the new ones! i’m still keeping up with the clear card arc, but this time i’m able to read it all on my own, in japanese. (though it is for kids, so i’m not sure if it means much) so in a small way, it reminded me of how far i’ve come too. what started as a love for sakura and her magic eventually tumbled into me learning a new language, studying abroad, and making new friends in a place i never imagined i would get to so much time in. it’s all been so magical!
anyway, i tried to include some pictures from the exhibit that i hadn’t seen in other posts! sorry i’m not on tumblr much at all anymore, but shoot a message if you event want to chat about sakura and thank you for reading my little rambling. :-)
I think the only resolution I actually kept was the one to stop picking at my nails but a lot happened in 2017, good and bad.
ending my junior year and starting my senior year
summer internship
living on my own (kind of) for once!!
job offer
job decision
struggling with that decision endlessly and then resolving to open myself to change in a year or two
new friends! meeting up with lots of old ones!!
exercising somewhat consistently!! and lots of water!
lots of local travel
trying new things (philosophy)
continuing the japanese struggle -- semi-consistent kanji studies
more pictures of things i like (polaroids!!)
goals for 2018:
read a book every month (at least one in japanese)
translating a few tweets every day
travel to at least one new country
continue to exercise about twice a week
experiment more with my wardrobe, wear more fun things
less browsing on the phone, caring less about when people respond
track money
drawing/writing/personal project??
enjoying my last semester!!
I think these will change especially after graduation, so I’ll start with these for now. when my “real” adult life starts (around half-way through the year anyway) I’d like to evaluate progress and re-assess what I want to work on and make financial goals :O
I hope everyone had a happy new year’s eve!! let’s make this year the best yet :-)
Eng: Suddenly, to see that the world was so large, the cosmos so black. The unbounded fascination of it, the unbounded loneliness of it... For the first time, these days, I was touching it with these hands, these eyes.
ぐんと remarkably
こんなに so, in this way
闇 darkness, the dark
果てしない endless, everlasting
淋しい lonely, deserted
（～に）触れた to touch, to feel
My attempt: (That) the world was so large, the darkness so black--I, recently, for the first time felt with these hands, these eyes the endless loneliness and fascination of it (all).
It’s really interesting to see how this translator breaks things up and fills in with some of her own style--I probably never would have gotten the cosmos from 闇 but it’s much more poetic, as well as the repetition. This is a sentence that personally seems simpler to me on the first read, but going back has a lot of meaning in it. And the differences between Japanese and English really allow for a lot of wiggle room and interpretation, especially in writing, which really makes this interesting.
One thing about fluency that seems obvious but isn’t, is that your proficiency in a language does also depend on your mood, confidence, and energy level. There are times when my brain just can’t handle the additional workload of translating things or operating in a different language because I’m sick, or out of it, or even just hungry. Sometimes it depends on stress and fatigue.
Ideally you’re in a position to take breaks, but it’s really easy to get bogged down by mental exhaustion. It’s also really frustrating because physically, I can get super motivated and ready to go, but mentally drained.
I guess in other words, sometimes you just have bad days. Or bad hours. You kind of have to get good at understanding what your body wants and needs to do things long-term, or you might end up coasting between bursts of inspiration
so lately I’ve been trying to read Kitchen (by Yoshimoto Banana) and another short story collection (by Hoshi Shinichi) in Japanese, despite the fact that I’m not good enough yet to really be able to understand everything. As you can guess, I make quite a few mistakes and have to look up a lot of vocab, but I picked up the English translation of Kitchen and wanted to study the sentences I didn’t quite understand.
For example:
「彼は大家族の長男で、彼が家からなんの気なしに持ってくるなにか明るいものが、私をとてもあたためたのだ」
（かれはだいかぞくのちょうなんで、かれがいえからなんのきなしにもってくるなにかあかるいものが、わたしをとてもあたためたのだ）
Eng: He was the eldest son of a large family; without being aware of it he got his sunny outlook from them, and I had been drawn to it. (Megan Backus)
Parts of this sentence I wanna pick out:
家から in this case, from his family
何の気なしに according to weblio, doing something without planning to
何か明るいもの something warm (a warm tendency?)
あたためた lit. to warm up; to nurse an idea, to renew a relationship
I’m still not quite sure もの is doing in this sentence, my guess is that instead of the usual something it’s describing him or his tendencies. And then the other confusing part is the warming--I’m guessing this could be an unusual use of the word? More things to investigate :-)
so I guess I kind of forgot to post about the end of my stay in Japan, but to sum it up: I learned a lot about myself, Japanese as a language, Japanese young people, working, etc. I really want to go back but I have a lot to figure out before I can do that.
things to consider before I go back:
how long?
what do I want to do? (as a job/in life)
can I afford it?
what do I like doing?
can I find friends/will I be lonely/can I deal with those feelings if they arise?
why do I want to return? for myself?
obvs these are like. any questions that need to be answered after college/for general life planning so it’s not a big deal, but y’know. it looks a little scary from this vantage point, but somehow, ever since I came home things haven’t been quite as scary. it was pretty scary coming home, but I got through that ok so. it’s gonna be ok. and madison’s gonna buy me all the shit that I forgot to buy on my way out of japan, so we’re all covered for the new CCS goods coming out in the spring (thumbs up emoji)
as for this blog, I follow a bunch of friends on it, so I’ll probs lurk around and make some personal posts here and there, but other than that??? who knows??? may I’ll try to start blogging in jpn to practice but idk. we’ll see where it goes! :-)
books!!!!! during my time in Japan I have bought way too many books (ok it’s just manga but still) and here’s what I’ve been looking at recently!!
Cardcaptor Sakura--the new Clear Card arc has been going on for a while, but I’m too poor to buy Nakayoshi every month, so I waited until last week and bought the first volume the day it came out!! It’s really validating to be able to read it in its original form, it’s literally a dream come true to hold it in my hands and read it in Japan! the art is still beautiful, and this is so cheesy but reading it felt a little like coming home.
Manga Kitchen--I picked this up the other day bc Chica Umino art on the cover lol but it’s a book full of hella cute recipes related to various manga series (mostly shojo, ie Rose of Versailles, Honey and Clover) and also essays/interviews from various manga-ka! it was a little pricy ($8 lol) but it’s literally a collection of my favorite things and definitely something I could only find in Japan so I went ahead and bought it.
bottom two are doujinshi from Mandarake that were too pricy for me to buy but AHHHH it’s doujinshi from two of my favorite artists, Natsume Ono and Chica Umino! Chica Umino’s is from her early days, I think it may be an original work, but!!! still!!! and Natsume Ono’s is One Piece doujinshi under a different pen name, but obviously still her signature style (or at least marked on the sign with her name) they were each about $40-80ish so too much for me to spend rn but I can dream. one day I will come back for you ;A;
I also picked up a cheap BL with some unique art at Mandarake, but I really love reading manga and being able to pick something up and understand even just half of it is so exciting to me. I know my parents hoped I would grow out of it, but the variety of art styles and it being hella good Japanese practice means I’ll probs be reading it forever oops
last weekend my friend came to visit me in Tokyo and we got to catch up on life and explore a little! we went around looking for a ukulele (she’s been wanting one) and unfortunately didn’t find one, but we had a really nice walk. I spent a lot of time alone over break, which was nice, but I found what I had been missing in our conversation. talking about the future, our love lives, work/school, being a foreigner, it was just so nice to reconnect for a bit and be reminded that I’m not alone in my experiences and it’s gonna work out somehow <3
my birthday was a few days ago and I still haven’t written about my trip from before break, but I figured I’d catch up on what’s been going on lately!
sidenote, these pics are from the Imperial Gardens and the area around the National Museum of Contemporary Art! （国立近代美術館）
so I guess I’ll start with my birthday since that matches the pictures. so I had the day off for my birthday while most of my friends had class, so during the day I went on a little adventure! I stopped my the gardens and the art museum, which I highly recommend, there were a lot of interesting pieces, and then hit up Nakano for a bit on my way back. The gardens were pretty and the foliage was nice, but there was a lot of empty space which felt weird, but makes more sense when you think about how it was supposed to be laid out way back when (as it was the area around the former castle tower, thanks google). I get the feeling that it’s prettier with the flowers in spring, but it was free and the leaves were gorgeous so. it works out.
after that I went to the museum, which was really cool! since it was a little late on a Tuesday, there were not a whole lot of people which was really nice. I almost thought they were closed tho because no one was at the entrance when I came. anyway, you start from the top which is like Meiji-era and work your way down through the 20th century! it’s not super huge, but there’s a lot of really cool pieces. you can also take pictures of everything without a little no-picture sign, no one else was taking pictures so I felt kinda weird--I did take those two above though, they were in the highlights section and I really liked the styles! my other favorites were the Bathroom series by On Kawara, it was really unsettling, and there was a dot series that I forgot the name of ;A;
after that, I stopped by Nakano for a bit since I had time to kill and walked around Nakano Broadway. everyone on the internet is like “oh its so good for anime stuff!” but my friend had mentioned that it was kind of weird, and holy shit it was more sketchy than I expected. maybe it was because it was dark outside (it was like 5:30pm tho) but it felt a lot like kind of a run-down mall? I would have stayed long if I had been wearing a face mask or something, but I just felt really weird being there. there was a bunch of anime merch and stuff, but also grandma/cheap clothes and some food stores that looked okay. it was just a really different area than what I’m used to, I guess? Omotesando spoiled the hell out of me.
so after that I went back and met up with my friends to eat dinner! we all went for Indian curry at a place near the station and it was v good ;u; Ryu also tagged along, but he was acting a little funny (yay surprises) so it was a little awkward, but made more sense after he gave me his present--Disney Sea tickets!! we had already set a date, but it was so sweet of him to go ahead and pay for the tickets, I know they’re expensive ;o; (which means I’ll probs be buying the food to even it out!)
I also hung out with friends last night and it’s really hitting me that I’ll be leaving in just over two weeks. I’m a little more ready to go back to America, but I now know that I really, really want to come back to Japan. I know it won’t be the same, and it’ll be different since I probably won’t come back with friends, and maybe my feelings will change, but I want to come back.
the reason I stayed longer was to work on a project, so I continued volunteering at my elementary school and started doing English/helping the ALT at another one, which had been pretty fun lately. I’ve been thinking about doing the JET program, and I think I might actually really enjoy it, though I’m not sure if I would have the energy for elementary school, middle or high school (ok tbh probs just high school) may be a better fit for me. but it’s definitely something I want to consider.
I’ve also gotten notice that I need to complete a CS quiz for my Google Japan app, so it’s time to dig out my notes and old code in order to relearn all my CS knowledge in 10 days lol kill me ;A; I also contacted my old art-time job at home to let them know I’ll be back and ready to make money. I’m running low right now, I think I’m ok for the rest of my trip, but it’s really catching up with me. I thought my scholarship would help more, but since I had to pay for housing with that, I didn’t have much to help me with food and transportation, but it’s gonna be ok. I’m really not going to enjoy being home over break, but it’s fine. it’s gotta get done.
so for the time being, I’ll do my best to enjoy my last two weeks (for now) in Japan and leave with no regrets.
hiked Mt. Takao with a friend of class today!! it was a little spur of the moment, but it was really fun! we hiked up the main trail (the #1) from the bottom up (cable cars are for wimps) and it wasn't too bad once you get to the cable car exit 😅 its not really that high, only 599 meters, but it was a really good work out. on the way down we took the #4 trail, which was not paved and had not railing on the edge but I only almost died once so we're all good 👍🏻 it was so gorgeous with the autumn leaves though! 🍁🍂 there's also a tree with roots that look like octopus legs and a bunch of shrines, temples, and tengu statues 👺
a little while back, I went to a vegan buffet in Jimbocho with some friends! I forgot to take pictures of the food, but it was called “The Loving Hut” I think? it was really good!! all you can eat for 1500 yen and more vegetables than I will ever see in the dining hall here at ICU. we also went to some bookstores afterwards--the bear actually reads a book to you! it was at a kids bookstore, you pick a book from a basket and a recording plays as you flip the pages. it was so cute!! ;u; after that we went to Shinjuku (where I basically live on weekends) and did some shopping and got dinner (breakfast for dinner yay!) the french toast was SO GOOD. Cafe Aliya in Shinjuku! best french toast I’ve ever eaten ;A; and the lights are near Shinjuku station!
celebratory food with friends before finals a while back!! top left is from my roommate’s final day volunteering at her sushi shop, right is インドカレー, and bottom is from tonkatsu with some of my graduated friends from my taiko group at my college back home! after working hard at school, it was really nice to catch up with everyone and eat yummy food! (even tho my wallet is still crying ;A;)
so I’ve been trying to change my plane ticket for the past few days now, I think I’m finally getting somewhere, but I really want to spend Christmas with my family and with Ryu, so I think I’ll try to come home on Christmas. lately I have been a little homesick (which is a v foreign feeling for me) but it’s really nice to be able to think that I have made a little home here with people I care about. ok tbh it’s still a miracle to be that I can get around, but I’m just not ready to go back to a small town in Texas. I think I’ve seen this on study abroad blogs and articles before, but there’s something about coming home to find yourself having changed a lot but no one around you has changed or understands your change. anyway, I’m really not looking forward to going home and having my family be uninterested in everything I say and just going back to my meager existence until I can leave for college and maybe feel at peace again.
//complaining over pls pray i can afford a flight change LOL
these last few weeks are looking hella busy with final projects/exam coming up, but I think I might get the chance to stay here a little longer, which I’m excited about. it’s gonna set me back a pretty penny, but I think it’ll be worth it. number one, I really want to stay in Japan. I’m still not quite ready to go. number two, I’ll probs be working with kids the entire time, which sounds fun? I think I’ll be doing a project on elementary schools/kids which sounds good to me. number three, extra time to finish up a few things, try to make a few connections, see a few more friends. four is, of course, the boyfriend who is probably too big of an influence, but if I’m making it productive it’ll be worth it.
real talk: I’m really not sure what to do just yet about that either, we’ve talked about it before but I am clingy af and not sure how to leave one of the best people I’ve ever met. but it’s gonna be ok. my mom didn’t even tell me to explicitly break up with him which means it’s definitely gonna be ok. I’ll find a way to come back or I’ll be ok like I always am.
but I’m so excited to be here in the winter, I love the winter, and I’m ready to have fun with kids during the day and work on a project I think I’ll enjoy and have someone to have a bit of Christmas fun with. I still haven’t decided if I want to stay until Christmas, but I think I might try to if I can afford the airline change fee.
I’m also missing bits of home here and there, which is probably because I’ve never been away from home this long, and it’s a strange feeling. but I know that it won’t feel the same when I go back and it’s gonna be pretty hard to adjust. but I love my family and I’ll be so glad to see them again and then it probably won’tbe too long until I go back to Wellesley, which will be hard, but only academically. I’m excited to see friends again too. but it’s gonna be ok.
speaking of, I should be here until the first volume of the new CCS comes out, and also for my birthday, which is pretty cool!! yay.
