βNoβ is not my safe word.
My screen lit up with a message:
βA safe word? How about βnoβ for startersβ¦β
I tapped out a quick response:
βI want something more abrupt, more obvious. Something to pull us quickly out of the headspace.β
This was true, but I wasnβt quite ready to explain the bigger reason driving my need for an alternative word.
βNoβ is not a safe word.
Iβm not sure when exactly the word became unsafe.
There was my first partner who told me it hurt his feelings when I said βnoβ to sex. 'Noβ wasnβt something to ever say to him.
There was the time he smacked me across the face because I did say it. Heβd warned me, after all.
There were the many calls of 'bitchβ, 'slutβ and 'frigid whoreβ when I said 'noβ to unwanted hands and attention.
There was the 'friendβ who exploded with rage when I said 'noβ to being his girlfriend.
There was the night he slipped into my bed and pressed himself against me. There were his screaming insults once Iβd woken up and scrambled out of the covers to hide in the bathroom until my breathing slowed.
There was the stranger who held me still for himself to use as I shook my head 'no 'noβ 'noβ.
There was the other stranger in a crowd who forced his hand between my legs and left bruises for the next day.
And then there was the person who told me I was too pretty to say 'noβ.
I had never thought of myself as pretty before but, of course, my teen self wanted to be. Pretty hasnβt felt so desirable since then.
'Noβ was a dangerous word. I watched how it changed people. My memories are mainly of boys and men, but not solely. Seething storms could erupt from any calm skin. It clouded eyes, clenched fists and teeth, spat βhow dare youβ.
That was all before the age of 20. Things have changed now. Years have passed, I started moving around the globe, I became good at avoiding the 'noβ fuelled fury, and somewhere along the way I fell into the world of kink.
Except it wasnβt a fall. I was starting to stand tall, and this obscure world pulled me even higher.
I made a (mainly) safe tumblr space full of people who post about consent, respect, safe words and boundaries.
I conjured my own safe word and I painted out my own boundaries.
The blog became a place for my submissive tendencies, but the submissiveness in everyday life was being swallowed up. By me. It never belonged there, anyway.
Yet, still,
'Noβ is not a safe word.
What a powerful piece of writing!
