Thought of you as everything I’ve had but couldn’t keep
Oh she is alive, and she is kicking (and she said she’d post this a week and a half ago but she died for a while…sorry for that). It took her almost two years before writing something for this fandom again (still sorry). But enough of that HAHAHA (belated) happiest of birthdays to @regaliaaas and @durchartist!!! I hope y’all like this t h i n g that’s inspire by that JM-Jennylyn Asus web-commercial (which will also be available on AO3, soon).
Disclaimer: She didn’t edit this before posting. She’ll get to it, soon.
“So, pupunta ka ba?” Pedro sipped his tea as he raised an eyebrow at his friend. His gaze traveled back to the glare of his laptop’s screen to look at the electronic invite for their high school homecoming.
“Ano ba sa tingin mo ang pupuntahan mo? Sabungan?”
“Miong,” Pedro rapped his knuckles on the tabletop. “Mahiya ka naman. A-Awardan ka sa homecoming dahil ikaw nag-design nung bagong chapel ng high school. Kailangan andun ka.”
“Hindi ko naman hiniling na bigyan nila ako ng award. Ipadala na lang nila sa office ko,” Miong was taking a sip from his steaming mug of coffee when Pedro kicked him in the shin. “Aray!”
“Ah basta. Ayokong pumunta. And besides, may malaking project ako na kailangan i-close sa linggong yun. Busy ako.”
“Ano pang silbi ni Greg sa’yo kung di niya kayang i-close ‘yun mag-isa?”
“Masyado pa siyang bata.”
“But that didn’t stop you from hiring him and trusting him to be your VP, diba? Kaya niya na ‘yun,” Treading on unchartered territory, Pedro sat up straight and laced his fingers together on the table. “Ang sabihin mo, iniisip mo kung pupunta siya,”
Miong stopped mid-sip like a deer in the headlights.
“Hoy, Flat Tops, paalalahanan lang kita, ‘no? Matanda na kayo; di na kayo high school.”
“Alam ko,” Miong grimaced as he dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “Pero kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo ang mundo, sinaktan niya ko.”
“O eh ano ngayon kung sinaktan ka niya? Sa tingin mo ba di niya pinagsisihan ‘yun, kahit konti? Besides, walong taon na ang lumipas. Di ka pa din nakaka-move on?”
Miong shifted his gaze to the people walking outside the cafe’s glass windows.
“Nakapag-move on na,” Pedro flicked his forehead, eliciting a wince from him. “Aray! Kanina ka pa, ah! Ang bayolente mo.”
“Sinungaling,” Swiftly, Pedro picked up a teaspoon to pull at a quaint silver chain around Miong’s neck. “Eh ba’t suot-suot mo pa rin yung engagement ring sa leeg mo? Decoration? Daily reminder na hindi niya tinanggap yung proposal mo? Na martyr ka?”
Miong scoffed at him before pushing away Pedro’s teaspoon and hiding the ring under his shirt.
“Diba okay naman kayo dati?”
“Hindi lang okay,” Pole dropped his gaze to his artisanal latte. Too much milk defeats the purpose of coffee, Pole grimaced. “Okay na okay.”
“I would say so, too. Eh ano ba talagang nangyari?”
“He was moving too fast.” Pole looked as if he wanted to say more but bit the inside of his cheeks instead.
“Anong too fast dun? You guys were together for five years before he proposed. That’s half a decade, and you guys knew each other since high school.”
“I wasn’t ready, Isabel—I had just started law school and I had a family to support; siblings to put through school and a mother whose dream business had yet to materialize. And he had big dreams—dreams that he could not chase with me holding him back.”
“Spain?” Pole nodded solemnly. “Eh kung alukin ka niya ng kasal ngayon? Since he’s back from Spain, for good, presumably, and has established his own architectural firm here—handa ka na ba?”
“Sinaktan ko siya noon, wala na akong karapatan para sagutin yung tanong mo ngayon.” Pole shifted in his seat as he tried to shrink away from Isabel’s determined stare.
“Tinatanong ko lang naman. Hypothetically, ganun,” Isabel rests her hand atop Pole’s and looks him square in the eyes. “What if instead of that night eight years ago, he proposes to you right now? Masasabi mo bang handa ka na?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he tried to pull his hand away from Isabel, but she had it in a vice-like grip.
A single sound escaped from his lips and yet it held the weight of the world as they knew it in its wake.
“So, and just to be clear, if by some twist of fate, ikaw pa rin ang laman ng puso niya, after eight years, wala pa ring humihigit sa’yo at yayain ka niyang magpakasal, you would say yes?”
“Alam mo, ikaw, ginagago mo na lang ako eh.”
“Isang tanong, isang sagot!”
“Tigilan mo nga ako. I sincerely doubt that after rejecting his proposal, kahit walo, sampu, o dalawampung taon pa ang lumipas, hindi na ako aalukin ulit ng kasal nun. Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi, walong taon na ang lumipas. I’m sure, naka-move on na yun.”
“You call it negatron, I call it being realistic. Bakit ka babalik sa taong nanakit sa’yo?” Isabel retracted her hand from his and crossed her arms above her chest. “You don’t bite the hand that feeds you, right? Well, if you tweak that a bit, it still makes sense. You don’t feed the hand that bites you.”
“Don’t get philosophical on me, Apolinario Mabini.”
“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to,” He rubbed the finger where the ring could have been and felt an emptiness in his heart. “Humor me. Babalikan mo ba and taong nanakit sa’yo? Babalikan mo ba ang taong nanloko sa’yo? Babalikan mo ba ang taong nagpaniwala sa’yo na mahal ka niya pero iiwanan ka din naman pala sa ere?”
“Eh paano kung tanga siya?”
“Isabel.” He pursed his lips.
“Bakit ba nuknukan ‘yung pagka-guilty mo? The way you talk, you make it sound like you never loved him in the five years you were together—like you stopped loving him in the eight years you were apart. Ikaw ba, hindi ka nasaktan sa nangyari?”
“I can’t believe you actually got me to go.” Pole pulled at his bowtie to relieve his neck.
“You still owe me for not showing up at my wedding. Consider this as payback.” Isabel huffed and Pole’s hand found hers.
“It doesn’t have to be. Nothing can undo that. I’m really sorry for not being there for you on your special day. Whatever personal aversion I have towards weddings should have been overlooked. Bestfriend kita. I should have been there.”
“Damn right, you should have,” Isabel pulled her hand away from his to find a handkerchief from her clutch. “I thought not having Dad to walk me down the aisle was bad enough, tapos you weren’t there, too.”
“Do you want to step out muna?” He said as he watched her dab her handkerchief at the corner of her eyes.
“I’ll just fix my makeup in the ladies’ room. Find some company or something while I’m gone.” Before he could reply, she was already walking away, leaving a decrescendo of heels clacking.
He wheeled himself towards his assigned table and called for a waiter’s attention.
“Black, no cream, two sugar.” Another man’s voice said at the same time he did. His head whipped towards the direction of the voice to see a familiar set of eyes looking back at him from the table adjacent to his.
His breath hitched in his throat as he took in the view, as a wave of emotions and well-kept memories hit him.
Miong looked as dashing as he last remembered; a few years managed to catch up to him in the specks of silver in his hair, crow’s feet on his eyes, and laughter lines by his mouth.
Miong sauntered over to his table and took the seat next to him.
“Boss, dito mo na lang i-serve pareho,” The waiter nodded before walking back to the bar. “Pole.”
“Miong,” He took a second to compose himself. “It’s…good to see you.”
“I see that’s still how you take your coffee?” He set his hands on his lap.
“Oo naman. Bakit ko pa papalitan kung ‘yun na ang nakasanayan ko?”
“Hindi naman porket ‘yun ang nakasanayan mo eh makukulong ka na lang dun habambuhay—kahit pwede mo naman nang palitan.” He fiddled with his nails as he spoke, avoiding Miong’s gaze.
“Sinubukan ko namang sumubok ng iba, pero wala eh, ito pa rin ang hinahanap-hanap ko.”
Pole cocked up an eyebrow at him, wondering if the conversation stopped being about coffee.
“—and may we call on stage the man of the hour, Architect Emilio Aguinaldo!” Startled, Miong looked at him, before he mouthed ‘go’.
Miong climbed up the stage to receive his plaque, and was ushered to the podium to say a few words.
“I, uh, would like to thank all of you for this award. This chapel holds so much meaning for our community, dahil hindi na mabilang ang na-witness ng simbahang ito na mga nagsumpaang mamahalin ang isa’t isa habambuhay, as well as symbolizing the importance we place in having God as the base of our relationships. Kaya nang makarating sa’kin ang balitang gumiba ito matapos tayong masalanta ng lindol, you can only imagine how broken I was,” He set the plaque down on the podium before continuing his speech. “Truthfully, I designed this church with a person in mind, the person that I want to marry someday,” Miong’s eyes searched for his eyes in the audience, and when they found him, he had a wistful look on his face.
“Spill!” A tipsy former schoolmate shouted from the far end of the dining hall. Miong let out a chuckle before continuing.
“‘Yung tipong pag dinala ko siya dito sa simbahang ito, siguradong ‘I do’ na lang ang maririnig ko. But that train left years ago, and now I wish for all of you to be able to bask in that experience. Kahit man lang sa ibang tao ay manatiling buhay ang mga pangarap ko,” He felt a pang in his chest as he listened to Miong’s speech. “‘Yun lang naman, at maraming salamat ulit para sa award na ‘to. Please enjoy the rest of the night.”
Miong raised the plaque to the audience in a weak salute and was met with applause before exiting the stage. He returned to Pole’s side and saw two steaming mugs of coffee. He cradled one and took a quick sip.
“Galit ka pa ba?” Pole threw a wary glance his way.
“Wala naman akong karapatang magalit.”
“Galit ka pa ba?” Miong repeated himself and that’s when it hit Pole—Miong, ever the best at reading him, knew he thought his proposal eight years ago was an act of selfishness.
Minutes ticked by as they finished their coffee in silence, neither making any attempts at conversation.
Had he still had feeling in his legs, Pole imagined his foot was tapping impatiently on the ground as he waited for any sign of Isabel, but stopped himself at the last minute when he remembered why she excused herself an hour prior.
“Pole?” He was broken out of his reverie at the sound of Miong whispering his name.
“Gusto mo bang sumayaw?” Miong scrunched up his eyebrows. “For old time’s sake?”
“Parang sa ‘Me Before You’?” Pole let out a a gush out of breath he did not know he was holding in.
“Yes, Ms. Clark.” He said in a flawless British accent.
“Alam mo, nakakainis ka,” But he was already scrambling for leverage to climb on Pole’s lap. Miong laced fingers on both hands at Pole’s nape for support. “Bigyan natin sila ng pagchichismisan.”
Pole held Miong with an arm by the waist as his other hand was preoccupied with maneuvering his chair to the rhythm. He’d almost forgotten how warm and flush Miong felt against his skin, and he relished in proximity between their bodies. He’d missed this, but he wouldn’t dare say it aloud.
Music played in the background as couples (High school sweethearts, Pole rolled his eyes.) slowly joined the two of them on the dance floor.
“Nagtitinginan na ba yung mga tao?” Pole’s laughs came in short peals. Miong surveyed the function hall as the wheelchair turned.
“Oo.” He couldn’t help but laugh along with him. Miong insisted they rested after one song, making excuses about how numb his ass cheeks were. Pole may not have felt his weight on his legs, but Miong insisted anyway.
Amenable silence enveloped them as they watched couples waltz around the dance floor.
“Hindi dapat ako pupunta ngayong gabi.”
“What changed your mind?” Pole turned to look at the side of his face, slightly taken aback when he caught Miong already looking at him.
“Ikaw. Na baka sakaling pumunta ka.”
”Eight years is a long time.”
The two shared a long glance.
“Gusto mo bang makita yung chapel?”
Miong offered to wheel him towards the chapel and he begrudgingly agreed.
“Paano?” He didn’t know how to word it politely, but Pole knew what he was talking about.
“High-profile case,” He scrunched up his eyebrows, waiting for Pole to elaborate. “In-ambush ako after a late-night in the firm. Permanent spinal damage.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Don’t be. Hindi ko kailangan ng awa mo.” Before he could stop himself, he had already left the words out in the open. Great, just great.
“Kunyari wala akong narinig.” Pole tried to reach for one of Miong’s hands pushing his chair and hovered over it as he calculated his next move.
Miong stopped in his tracks and took his hand softly before letting go to push his chair properly.
They reached the chapel after a while and Miong and left him in the middle of the last row of pews to rush towards the back of the altar. In a split second, warm lights shone and he could finally take in the sight of the chapel.
His eyes feasted upon the smooth stucco, quatrefoil windows, the stark ecru walls, bright red tiles, and dark exposed beams. It was as if Miong took a piece of Spain home and installed it in their quaint town.
He wiped a stray tear before Miong walked back to him.
“So, what do you think?” Miong shoved his hands in his pockets.
“It’s breathtaking. When did you find time to design this?”
“Nung na-realize kong ikaw ang gusto kong makasama habambuhay.” Pole felt a punch in his gut.
“High school graduation natin.”
“Ha? Eh hindi pa naman tayo nun ah?”
“Oo. Pero noon pa lang, alam ko na.”
Awkward silence enveloped them and Pole just wanted to reach for Miong and envelop him in a hug that conveyed all of the love and despair that consumed him in the eight years they were apart—what he would give to be able to whisper sweet nothings in his ear again and profess his love for him until the end of his days.
But he knew things would never be the same again.
For the first time since his career in Law flourished, he had no answers to questions running in his head and he was at a loss for words.
And so he did what he did best; he rationalized and justified his actions aloud.
“In a way, I’m glad I didn’t say yes to you all those years ago,” Before Miong could protest, Pole continued. “I can’t imagine burdening you with all of this. Magiging pabigat lang ako sa'yo.” Pole gestured at his legs.
“You know that’s not true. Walang duda, aalagaan kita. Kukuha ako ng trabaho sa law firm na pagtatrabahuhan mo o kaya sa kahit anong kumpanyang malapit sayo para isang tawag mo lang andun na ko.”
“Exactly my point,” Pole’s hand found the top of Miong’s and squeezed it gently. “I could never live with myself knowing that I kept you from following your dreams.”
“You are part of my dreams, Pole. Pangarap kong pakasalan ka at mahalin ka nang panghabambuhay.”
“Before you proposed, I saw the letters,” Miong slumped down on the nearest pew. “They offered you a scholarship in Spain and a permanent job right after.”
“And I didn’t want any of it.”
“We both know that’s a lie. It’s what you’ve always dreamt of,” Pole turned his wheelchair in his direction. “I don’t want a future where I kept you from being the best that you can be.”
“You decided for us, Pole. You decided for me. Di mo man lang ako binigyan ng chance para magdesisyon para sa sarili ko.”
“I did what I thought would be best,” Pole reached for Miong’s knee. “Even if it meant I was out of the picture.”
“Paano naman ako, Pole? Paano yung feelings ko? Yung puso ko? Itinaas mo ako eh. Inangkla ko ang sarili ko sa’yo kasi noon pa lang sigurado na ako sa’yo, sa atin. Alam mong ikaw ang gusto kong makasama habangbuhay.” ‘Yun din naman ang gusto ko, Pole thought.
“I will never outgrow the remorse for hurting you, but I don’t regret anything. You became the man I dreamed you’d be and more, Miong.”
“Pero bakit hindi pa rin ako masaya, Pole? Bakit may kulang pa rin?”
The walk back to the function hall was tense and quiet—neither of them trusted themselves to think straight and speak. Before entering the hall, Miong took a detour to what used to be their classroom, with Pole following close.
“Why did you walk over to my table tonight, Miong? What did you hope to achieve?”
“Diba nasabi ko na kanina? Na-miss kita.”
“‘Yun lang,” Miong ran his fingers along the ledge of the teacher’s desk. “Ikaw? Bakit mo ko kinausap? Bakit mo pa ako in-entertain? Di ka man lang ba nahiya? Gusto mo bang malaman kung mahal pa din kita kahit sinaktan mo ko?” Pole winced. He knew he deserved Miong’s hostility, and yet he stayed rooted where he was.
“Gusto mong malaman kung may mababalikan ka pa? Kung nagpakatanga ako na maghintay sa’yo?” Pole willed himself to look at Miong and saw fat, hot tears running down his cheeks.
“Kasi oo ang sagot, Pole, oo ang sagot. Tangina, ikaw pa rin hanggang ngayon. Kaya sabihin mo sakin kung ano bang gusto mong mangyari. Kasi kung ‘yun ang ine-expect mo, pipilitin kong kalimutan yung lumipas na walong taon.
“Bumalik ako para makalaya sa'yo, para makalaya sa konseptong tayo,”
Miong fell to his knees at Pole’s feet.
“Wag mong isipin na hindi kita minahal, o na hindi na kita mahal. Kasi mahal din naman kita. Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring pumapalit sa’yo.” Pole leaned forward to wipe Miong’s tears with the pad of his thumbs.
“Pero? Ito na yung part kung saan kokontrahin mo yung sinabi mo, Pole. Alam ko na ‘to eh. Palagi mo ‘tong ginagawa,” With trembling hands, he kept Pole’s hands firm on his tear-stained cheeks. “Pwede bang ngayon wag mong gawin ‘yan? Pwede bang ‘yun na lang? Wag mo na dagdagan, please, nagmamakaawa ako.”
“Wag na nating pahirapan ang mga sarili natin, Miong. You know this isn’t going to end well. Sinasabi mo lang ‘yan ngayon, that you’re going to try and forget that night eight years ago and all the heartbreak that came with it. But you won’t. You may want to, but you will never forget it. And even if you do, I won’t. I won’t forget how I snuffed out the glimmer of hope you had of a future with me. I won’t forget the sound of your heart breaking into a million pieces.”
“Pole naman, please, wag mo na akong iwan ulit. Kinaya ko ng isang beses, pero hindi ko na kakayanin ulit.”
“That’s why I’m putting a stop to it now, Miong. Bago ka pa masaktan.”
“Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon?”
“Miong,” Pole eased his hands out of his grip. “Wag mo na akong mahalin. Sakit lang ang kaya kong ibigay sa’yo.”
“Ayaw mo bang maging masaya? Sa piling ko?”
“Gusto. Gustong-gusto. Pero hindi na pwede.”
“Bullshit! Ipinagkakait mo lang sa’kin at sa sarili mo yung kaligayahang matagal na dapat tayong meron.” Miong heaves.
“Tapos ka na sa litanya mo?” Pole crossed his arms over his chest, as he fought back tears from spilling. “Sinasayang mo lang yung oras ko.”
“You’re cold, Mabini,” It had been a lifetime ago since Miong had called him by his last name—back when they first met as pubescent boys. “You are cold. Stone cold. ‘Yan ba ang tunay na ikaw na itinago mo sa’kin? ‘Yan ba ang tunay mong kulay na lumalabas pag ipinagtatanggol mo ang mga kriminal?”
“It’s a trick I learned from the trade.”
With trembling hands, Miong reached for his nape and unhooked his silver chain. He bundled the whole length in the middle of his palm before forcing Pole to take hold of it.
Pole fiddled with the cold metal on the inside of his palm as his fingers met with the cool band of silver. His breath hitched in his throat as he realized what the ring was.
“Iyo na ‘yan. Wala naman akong ibang pagbibigyan,” Miong stood up, dusted his knees, and wiped furiously at his face. “Bahala ka kung anong gusto mong gawin diyan. Kahit itapon mo, wala na akong pake. Wag ka nang magpapakita sa’kin kahit kailan. Wag mo na kong guguluhin. Wag ka nang babalik, kasi baka hindi ko mapigilan ‘yung sarili ko, magpakatanga pa rin ako sa’yo.”
Miong spared him one quick glance, silently begging with his eyes for Pole to stop him from leaving, but Pole remained stoic. He sighed deeply before walking away, never turning back.
Only then did Pole let himself cry.
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