Caution: Risk of Rain

My name is Dakota.

[dakotavon]

i wonder where you are tonight.

i spend time thinking about you.

it makes me laugh and sad; thinking about how you think no thinks or cares about you.

i carry that weight.

its hard not to reach out to you. you have and will see my failed attempts. its okay. i am trying to focus it to different places; this being one.

i've been okay. a lil sick. i took up learning how to flip a butterfly knife. i've only cut myself once so far! i broke my knife like 6 times already. so i'm getting decent at fixing knives faster than i am at flipping them. x_x

i want to make it known that i don't have any /idea/ about us. i just genuinely enjoy your company and how it makes me feel. theres no plan; i dont have a vision or idea. my only hope is that we can talk and be friends forever.

you said that once. that you wanted me in your life forever. maybe you talk like i do. with your heart and feelings. maybe before your mind catches up or understands the gravity of what you say. i know i am like that. it meant a lot to me. no one has or since said that to me.

i've felt very disconnected and lonely. i feel like thats my curse. i try and want to connect, but i can see how people see me. what they want from me. i am not so desperate that i am okay with dealing a torturous situation just to feel connected or loved.

it really seems to piss people off.

a lot of people in our generation would maybe try and go against the grain; call it being neurotypical or something. i don't think i am like that, but i do know i am atypical to this world. i don't want the things they want or what the world says i should want.

i would love to have a relationship that was loving with someone, sure. but someone who's worth it. someone who wants it specifically from me. from the REAL me. not the imaginary version in their head. that may sound hypocritical to you; coming from me.

its okay. you've given control to me many times and you know that i don't react much to it. i love that you feel safe enough to. sometimes i need to reconnect to that feeling.. i feel scared a little now. i love laying with you, but it scares me how you affect me.

...in that same breath, i've been obsessed with PUP. listening to all of them. still do. over and over. every place is getting annoyed with that being the only thing i sing anymore. it all reminds me of you. of those nights where we just sit next to each and bullshit about.. nothing.

i don't know if you even like/care about these long, stupid expositions. if i had to guess? not at all. but there's not many ways to show how i care and think of you. honestly, i could keep typing forever.

its not really about saying anything. there's nothing to sell or convince. i think about you. whether you're here or not.

..sigh. valentines day is approaching. never liked it much. my favorite one was with you. i spent so much time making that card and was so proud of it. probably one of my happiest creations. it was fun, creative and every second i thought about you and it spurred me on to do more.

no one does that to me. like, thats what fucks me up. i meet a LOT of people. like. regularly. probably atleast 3 people a week (upwards to 10) since like... 2013. 54x3? 159. a year. at minimum. i meet them, get an impression, keep some, leave some. friends, acquaintances, coworkers, hookups, lovers. i feel some things. i like them enough. i think about them. but rarely am i inspired. very, very few people have that power.

you do it without even trying. you couldn't care less! that is totally okay and actually hilarious. i am classically a contrarian. i go against grain. i willn't. and theres this mixed up lil emo kid from the mid-west with a head full of madness and heart full of sorrow.

and i just... authentically love the hell of you. you frustrate me, you inspire me, you love me, you hate me, you think about me, you don't. its... all the same. its this frequency; this feeling. maybe you don't feel it. i always told you that if you want me to leave you alone, you just say the word.

anyways, V-day. i went to the rink last year and it was awful. happy couples, holding hands. looking into each other eyes. i won't lie, my loathing stemmed from envy. just to have someone to do something with. who knows if they'll last, if they even actually like each other. they do for that moment. for that second. its fleeting and beautiful and disgusting. to me, it feels like being jealous of a bunch of butterflies. i don't feel like i'm one, but i am glad theyre here and around. it looks sweet.

..i should probably stop. this is getting long. i am going to try and post here when the feeling to call you overwhelms me.

(PS. you were right about the transition from "If This Tour Doesnt Kill You, I Will" into "DVP". It kinda the greatest thing i've ever heard.)

[dakotavon]

I don't know how to ask for help anymore.

i don't know what to do.

i haven't felt so sad in so long.

or alone. especially alone.

i've been going through some really hard stuff lately. trying to figure out my identity.

my car got stolen. it sucks. i'm trying to be really cool about it. but it hurts and it sucks.

i have a hard time getting my life together. a lot of it is fear. fear that can't be fixed by a loving hand or a kind word. but i'm trying. little by little, i'm fixing things.

some people don't understand that it's not just about asking for help, it's sometimes about acknowledging how deep you're in the hole.

i've started to watch my friends leave in life. to other places, people, from this mortal coil, etc. i've started to notice it and feel it. i've been trying really hard to make new friends, but i don't have much staying power in people's minds anymore. im a passing joke or a funny saying. i'm brief, and then gone. making friends is so incredibly hard now and i wasn't ready. i'm trying to cherish and celebrate the ones i have.

i'm not great at it. i've always had a problem connecting with people on an intimate level. i make things too complex. too hard. i try to treat people the way i want to be treated, but i end up spending myself to have another conversation about mutual respect.

i hate feeling so sensitive. i try really hard to not. not take things personally or give people the benefit of the doubt. but the stuff i feel is so... much. i see things people miss. a lot. maybe money, or keys, or meaning. maybe i make connections that didn't need to be made. see things that didn't have to be seen. feeling how the leaves and thinking it means something more.

i mostly feel alone lately. really alone. i don't know how to stop.

i feel trapped. i feel like i try to make changes and no one notices. no one knows. and then sequentially? no one cares. i'm stuck in this loop. this loop i'm clawing so hard to get out of. but i'm doing it alone. and i know that i have to do it alone. but i feel so desperately alone. i feel like i've had this veneer on so long that it's fastened to me permanently. like people we never breach the surface of me, because i don't know how to let them anymore.

i don't know how to ask for help, or if anyone is even able to help me. i'm having trouble processing. i feel scared. and i always make the wrong choices when i feel scared. i run, i hide, cry. i push people away harder and further. lean on the veneer and say i'm fine.

i want someone to understand me. to want to understand me. i don't want to keep having conversations with drunk people about respect. i don't want to feel so alone when i'm surrounded by people. i want to laugh and have fun and feel good. i don't want my car to be stolen anymore. i don't want to feel like an outcast. i don't want my friends to die.

i want people to see this and much as i don't want them to. i don't want to be a cry for help. but i need to cry and it is for help. and i don't know what to do. i don't even know who to turn to anymore.

i don't feel like i can turn to anyone.

please send help.

-d.

[dakotavon]

a nightmare.

so.

in the dream, we had a fight. like we do.

and we decided on a friday night that we weren't going to talk. like we do.

and i was at home, like i am. wondering, hoping to hear from you, like so much in real life.

i remembering resisting the urge to look, in the dream, at social media to see what or how you were doing, like i do (sometimes).

and like i do, i broke down. i checked. you had had this amazing beach adventure. you had this cute purple bikini and you had even made some wildlife friends. like there was a picture of you petting a dolphin and a gif of you twirling around in the sun. i remember crying a little bit at seeing it. just a mix of sad i wasn't there and happy you were happy.

and i'm not sure at what point, but very late we had met up. and we were relying on my direction to get us whereever and it was late. like 1am. and (....sorry. my hands are shaking pretty bad now) and we were walking down these train tracks.. and i remember breaking down and talking about us and telling you that i loved you and you kinda started walking off into this field and said, "i think i'm going home" and i went, "but i care about you. please don't leave me" and went "i'm sorry" and started to jog off and i remember my whole body actually cringing and stopping me for a moment as my whole body hurt. and i sucked it up and chased after you and you said...

"why won't you let me go?"

and i reached out to grab your hand and i said:

"because i still love you."

and you faded away. i remember falling in that field and crying. crying the hardest i've ever cried. i remember feeling myself fade away. i remember waking up crying.

and here i am. covering sweat, crying. wishing i had anyone to talk to. that i wasn't met with my roommates snores and no one i can call at this time.

i wonder where you are in the world. i wonder if you're safe and sound in your bed or safe and sound... somewhere else.

i wish we could talk. i wish i could believe those things you told me. how i could call you if i was scared or needed you. i'm scared. i need you.

i miss us as a couple so much. i miss being the coolest people in a room. why is my heart like this. why can't i let go? why won't it stop?

will i ever be okay? will i ever not need you? i'm so scared to try and have you in my life to any degree. you're like an addictive drug to me. i just want you forever. i wanted you forever.

i wish i knew. knew that you were okay. i did that for you, even at my worse. i'd still tell you when i was home and okay. i couldn't not. i couldn't think about you up like this. anxious. listening to the birds wake up. that thought alone made me send those "home." texts.

tybalt is patrolling the halls like the brave little cat he is. checking for errand dreams and scared boys. i hear the soft draw of one of my roommates. not enough to keep me up, but enough to let me know he's found what i can't. i see the soft light of the morning poking through my blinds. telling me that the rest of the world moves on with or without me. the shadows of my posters hang like faces from my past, looking down upon me. judging, questioning if who i am is better than who i was. my mind races, but it's no competition to my heart. i have a hard time keeping my hand to my chest, scared that if i feel it, it will make it true. my mind goes over the evidence with a fine-tooth comb. calm and calculating enough to focus on it all, but not enough to let it go. i think about what the therapists told me about defusing my situation. about writing. i laugh at how my inner thoughts always sounded like some stupid book, and about how i've three other narrative tracks going on at the same time. "is this the same for everyone?" i think, wondering if they could know how fast and deep my mind goes. it's chaotic and deep like an ocean. like a storm, chopping the waters up and making those who tread it regret their choices. ive rolled around in this bed a thousand times. i think about all the positions i've had in this bed. all the ones i've shared. i try to remember what deep breaths felt like. trying to remember if they ever did help. i can hear the soft hum of electronics that stand vigilant in the night; frozen in another time. i hear the soft paw pads of creatures not meant to be heard, not meant to be seen. i hear them breathe their incomplete breathes as they return from their hunts. i feel the warm ridge of my nose and the wet, warm moisture on my face. i hear my own breathes and wonder about what hears me when i don't want it to. The Goodnight Queen invades my thoughts. i am a loyal subject of hers, waiting at her beck and call. praying to hear her soft voice call out above the creatures, above the soft birds, now come to life. my heart aches. it sends a shock down into my stomach to remind me it's still in control here. i hear the klaxons go off in the distance, as another truck hisses at the laws of man, upset at its goal being impeded. i wonder if the sleeping giants of jotunheim felt this way. wishing to stand up again and feel free, their limbs twisted into the sky, wishing for a different future, or atleast a better present. my hand drapes across my stomach, showing me the paradox of proving i am still a warm body, no matter how cold i feel. i hear Tybalt call out into the night, concluding his patrol. i call to him the only way i know how, wishing i could count on his obedience like i always tried to show you. but i know in my heart that he knows nothing of this life, nor would i ever want him to. he remains blissfully unaware but deeply convicted in his duty to safeguard our home. my glasses shift as statuesque body finds a new position in the twilight, reminding me of the face i wear for them. i feel the one i wear for you and slowly, i feel the small pains across it. the words of the truer poets leak into my conscienceness, reminding me how the voices, sounds, and music i hear in my mind only break my heart. i haven't moved an inch, and yet my mind remains in a constant battle with my heart until either one wins or both lose. i hear something too soft for my own mind ring out:

"I love you."

as the reflection pool in my mind ripples to the sound of love, my closest and dearest friend telling her heart farewell until she returns. i want to reach out to her. i want to hold her and tell her how scared i am. how i don't know what to do, but even 10 feet away, we might as well be miles. i quietly bid her farewell and hope her journey will never be mine. i'd wish ten thousand other futures than mine. i finally feel my body start to weaken. it struggles to keep my frame upright, torturing me with random thoughts of scenarios i only dare to give heed to. i run my hands over my face again, completing my own madmans agenda, trying to remember where her hands fit on it.

[dakotavon]

I hate this.

i hate i can't talk to you.

i hate i can't invite you to our plan we had for a long time.

i'm going to an open mic tonight at zia and i hate you won't know.

i hate that spending time together is a thing of the past.

i hate that i wanted you to want me so much.

i hate that it got that far.

i hate how independent i was and how emotional independent i am not anymore.

i hate we can't have a drink like before.

i hate that i miss you so damn much.

i hate that we have to pretend.

i hate that i live in a world of lies and omissions and it's everything you wanted.

i hate that we do it in the dark, with smiles on our faces.

i hate that you won't know until it's too late.

i hate how much this hurts.

i hate it.

[dakotavon]

maybe i’m okay?

I had a long night last night. But I think... I think I might be okay?

I mean.. Why am I thinking about someone who wouldn’t think of me?

I mean, seriously. She considered me when it was convenient for her. She didn’t understand I had damage. She had done things to me over the course of our relationship that damaged me. Badly. I needed her to be caring. To show me she cared about what had happened and wanted to help me back to being happy and healthy. But she couldn’t get past herself. She didn’t take responsibility for the mess she made. 

In my mind, we should take care of each other when we need it. I’m there for her when she struggles and is hurt and the reverse. I needed her. I needed her to hold my hand and say, “I’m sorry for what happened. What can I do to?” like, it’s so simple. But she never got things like that.

This drag queen talked me up over a cigarette last night and he made a great point. Why think about someone who wouldn’t think about you? Is she agonizing over me? And after I found out what I found out, I know it’s not true. And for sure, it hurts to think about what she’s doing or what she’s up to, but I know one thing for sure. Shes not thinking about me and shes not agonizing over it. She’s moving on and fast. And thinking about it, why shouldn’t I? I’m happy that I don’t have to do all the things she took for granted anymore. Things that other people would love and cherish and not just... ignore it.

So why care about someone who doesn’t care about me? Who was ashamed of me? 

[dakotavon]

it comes in waves.

god this hurts.

i’m talking to every conceivable person i know, and it still hurts.

i took off all my pictures from my phone, including some of her.

i got my texts all saved and stuff and i glanced past one and saw her pet name for me show up and i haven’t been able to stop crying for 45 minutes.

i know i’m not what she wanted.

i don’t think i ever have been. it was always a struggle. it was always hard.

even from the beginning, she had lied to me. but somewhere in there, i fell in love with her.

i think she did care, in her own way.

i miss her. ive been taking steps to try and stay accountable. make sure i don’t relapse. but god, i want to.

every shape i see out the corner of my eye. every figure in a doorway. i hope each one of them is her. saying she was wrong. saying it wasn’t right without me.

i know it my heart it wont happen. she didn’t ever do that for her. she did it for me. she emulated love to me. she felt it in her own way, but didn’t show it like you would think.

i wish i had a key to her place, just so i could go and snuggle her cats when she wasn’t around. i miss them so much. they were so great and sweet and i’m going to miss them forever.

all of this. i wanted her love. i wanted her to love me. to be proud of me and us. to look at us and think “wow, we’ve been through so much and i love him so much” but she lost it somewhere along the ride.

and i wish i had to.

maybe this all wouldn’t be so hard.

i’m trying to stay positive. i’m trying to make good changes. but i hurt so bad. it’s hard to even show it when i’m in front of people. i got so good at masking how awful i’ve felt for the last three years.

i always wanted to work together. fix out problems. fix the hurt we caused each other. but everytime we’d try, it would hurt the other.

she kept saying, “i can’t imagine what my life would be like without you.”

i wish i could talk to her.

i miss her so damn much.

but i don’t think she’s capable of sustaining any sort of healthy relationship.

atleast now. atleast with me.

and it makes me want to cry all day.

god. we hated pet names.

we werent the type. too cool.

but we had one. it was pretty much the same for each other.

and it feels like someone reached in and put one solitary finger on my heart, for just a second.

like a chime. a single note.

something that floods in six years of love, commitment, and care.

i wish she would’ve cheerleader’d me more. you know. encouraged me. she would say “do it!” and that was kind of all. and i mean. it’s not the worst or anything. but i’m a very cerebral guy. i communicate with a lot of words. if she say down, held my hand, and said, “Hey. I think moving to this place would be a good change for you. I know how much you overthink things and I know you’re scared. But I’m here for you and will always be here for you, no matter what the future looks like.” and it kills me so much because i always believed her.

that was double-edged sword. i’d fall for it. i’d believe it every time. i was a sucker for her. id’ve followed her off a damn bridge.

and now i have to keep her blocked. blocked on everything. because i’ll still go back. i’d forsake everything. myself, my friends, my life. my dedication was insane. i never saw forever with anyone until her.

ugh. i hate it.i wish i could forget.

i haven’t been eating too well. i don’t eat breakfast anymore and i’m already starting to show that. depression weight loss is real. my sister told me this all sucks. she said no matter what you do, right now, it’s going to suck. and it’s going to suck a lot. she was like mad about it. like frustrated. and that makes me so cared about. that someone can be frustrated for me. my friend that just moved away too. she was up-in-arms. and even thousands of miles away, i felt it. i felt her and i felt loved and everyone is being so amazing, but i feel so far away.

i feel like i’m 10 million miles in space, looking down on my life.

i haven’t been this scared in a long time.

[dakotavon]

You got me monologing.

this morning started out like any other morning.

asking myself "why?" as i went to work.

and as i swiped, there you were. in all your stupid glory.

penny.

the name i gave you.

the face i've seen a thousand times.

but now, a strangers face.

my throat fell into my feet and my stomach uppercutted into where my throat had been.

i shouldn't be surprised.

you're probably breathing for the first time in a while.

i am too.

we choked ourselves with our mistakes. we did all that we could, but also not enough.

it was hard. it was hard knowing we were trying again and standing up to the people who said you weren't good enough for me and telling them they were wrong.

but they trusted me. and i let myself down.

a great king once said, "the fault is not yours, but ours, for having faith in you."

i feel it's applicable.

i wanted you to be proud of us. i wanted to feel like you would fight for me, like i had for you.

but you didn't. you lost it all. i watched you sabotage your own relationship and i tried to stop you.

goddamn it i tried.

like a car that lost its brakes. i stood right in front with both hands raised and i tried.

you weren't meant for the long term. you were young. the second that door opened, your curiosity was piqued and we were a memory.

i should've left years ago.

but you made me believe in love again.

and for that, i resent you.

i realized the only reason i work here is you.

did you know that?

no joke. the second i saw your monstrous visage, my application was gone and sent.

i'm leaving this place behind. i'm leaving you behind. i would've died for you. i would have done anything to fix it. but you.

"i don't know"

"i'm sorry"

that's all you ever were. unknowing and sorry for it. you were like a child with an emotional wrecking ball.

i hope you feel even half of what i feel.

i hope the air doesn't taste the same.

i hope the night comes for you.

i hope every drive, there's a silence that replaces me.

i hope when you look at that table, you see me, cleaning it and making your home a little nicer.

i hope that spare bedroom falls into disrepair.

i hope everytime you feel that pillow between your legs at night, you remember who put care and time into getting to know your habits and likes.

i curse you.

with the worst curse i could ever think of.

me.

[dakotavon]

the beginning of the end

we broke up.

i’m hurting a lot.

i don’t really know what to do.

i saw some things i shouldn’t have.

i cried about your thanksgiving song.

i’m sorry i was such a monster.

we were both monsters.

i feel like in some ways we were made for each other.

and in other ways... not at all.

everyone is trying to support me.

i feel so bad for them.

that they have me.

because i know what goes on in my head and i’m just...

not worth it.

i wanted a simple relationship.

i want someone who liked me and was down for me.

it got so out of hand.

i can’t let myself go back.

as desperately as i want to.

i’m probably going to send you a package with the last few bits of clothes i have of yours.

maybe a letter.

i can’t actively communicate with you. i hate how much i miss you even after a few days.

i need to forget you.

the one chance we had was thanksgiving and i shot myself in the foot.

i didn’t do enough. i’ll always feel like that, even if its not the truth.

i wont tell you. i wont admit it. but they’re my thoughts.

i have to be strong when things fall apart.

i cant let you back into my life again.

you’ll never tell me the things i need to hear.

do the things i need to heal. we wrecked each other.

we crashed into each other like ships in the night.

i’m so sorry for what happened.

i just wanted to be together. it’s all i ever wanted.

and now i have to go alone.

[theanimalmemes]

don’t be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself trying not to lose someone.

@sexual-texts (via sexual-texts)

[love-personal]

[dakotavon]

The sound of being alone.

It's someone asking you if you're "all right". It's the sound of that band you stopped listening to for them. The words "just you today?" The quick beep after you check your phone when you wake up and it rests again. When the night creeps in and you feel it this time. Knowing that, at your best, you are a function. The slight choking sound when you realize no matter what you say, they'll never hear you.

[serious]

two things to never forget

[wordsnquotes]

I am not sorry for who I had to become in order to survive.

Schuyler Peck (via wordsnquotes)

[dakotavon]

Can't seem to keep things so perfectly straight. I got a reprieve from my pain for a day. In retrospect, it was probably stupid, unhealthy, and an all-around bad choice. And yet, i still did it. I deleted my previous posts, since I think they were a little too... pointed for my liking and I'm sure someone was reveling in the deliciousness that was my situation. No matter what i do, still an entertainer, ha. I wonder about the choices people make under duress. I wonder if people can change. Am i stupid for believing in hopeful things like that? I feel really stupid. Something I'm coming to terms with is that people don't always take advice. I've always sat around and listened to someone say what i should do as a teenager and usually heeded the advice in some way or some form. But now.. i'll hear it and i want to go: "that's a great sentiment and i appreciate it, yet i'm still not going to eat for the entire day and probably add alcohol to my liquid intake." and just.. do whatever. not to be spiteful, but i know what i'm going to do. The second they leave, i'll talk myself out of it and do whatever the hell i want. which is so terrible right now. i have no clue what move to make. i'm basically sulfur to single people. it's like they can smell the "fucked-up" on me. all i'm doing is working and try and make it to my birthday. i'm so tired but my mind won't let me stay down, just replaying the events over and over. i think people should just ask me if i'm doing better, cause the default right now is terrible. i had one.. very good nap the other day and it was like... an oasis. like a mirage in the middle of a shitty desert. I'm almost falling asleep at work writing this. I have so much pain to process. I feel like no matter what i do, it's still coming out in different ways. i learned a new song. might do a video for it. but who knows. who cares. i'm going to try and sleep at work. here's hoping i don't get fired. makes no difference to me.

[patanu102]

[dakotavon]

[imtiredofactingokay]