i wonder where you are tonight.
i spend time thinking about you.
it makes me laugh and sad; thinking about how you think no thinks or cares about you.
i carry that weight.
its hard not to reach out to you. you have and will see my failed attempts. its okay. i am trying to focus it to different places; this being one.
i've been okay. a lil sick. i took up learning how to flip a butterfly knife. i've only cut myself once so far! i broke my knife like 6 times already. so i'm getting decent at fixing knives faster than i am at flipping them. x_x
i want to make it known that i don't have any /idea/ about us. i just genuinely enjoy your company and how it makes me feel. theres no plan; i dont have a vision or idea. my only hope is that we can talk and be friends forever.
you said that once. that you wanted me in your life forever. maybe you talk like i do. with your heart and feelings. maybe before your mind catches up or understands the gravity of what you say. i know i am like that. it meant a lot to me. no one has or since said that to me.
i've felt very disconnected and lonely. i feel like thats my curse. i try and want to connect, but i can see how people see me. what they want from me. i am not so desperate that i am okay with dealing a torturous situation just to feel connected or loved.
it really seems to piss people off.
a lot of people in our generation would maybe try and go against the grain; call it being neurotypical or something. i don't think i am like that, but i do know i am atypical to this world. i don't want the things they want or what the world says i should want.
i would love to have a relationship that was loving with someone, sure. but someone who's worth it. someone who wants it specifically from me. from the REAL me. not the imaginary version in their head. that may sound hypocritical to you; coming from me.
its okay. you've given control to me many times and you know that i don't react much to it. i love that you feel safe enough to. sometimes i need to reconnect to that feeling.. i feel scared a little now. i love laying with you, but it scares me how you affect me.
...in that same breath, i've been obsessed with PUP. listening to all of them. still do. over and over. every place is getting annoyed with that being the only thing i sing anymore. it all reminds me of you. of those nights where we just sit next to each and bullshit about.. nothing.
i don't know if you even like/care about these long, stupid expositions. if i had to guess? not at all. but there's not many ways to show how i care and think of you. honestly, i could keep typing forever.
its not really about saying anything. there's nothing to sell or convince. i think about you. whether you're here or not.
..sigh. valentines day is approaching. never liked it much. my favorite one was with you. i spent so much time making that card and was so proud of it. probably one of my happiest creations. it was fun, creative and every second i thought about you and it spurred me on to do more.
no one does that to me. like, thats what fucks me up. i meet a LOT of people. like. regularly. probably atleast 3 people a week (upwards to 10) since like... 2013. 54x3? 159. a year. at minimum. i meet them, get an impression, keep some, leave some. friends, acquaintances, coworkers, hookups, lovers. i feel some things. i like them enough. i think about them. but rarely am i inspired. very, very few people have that power.
you do it without even trying. you couldn't care less! that is totally okay and actually hilarious. i am classically a contrarian. i go against grain. i willn't. and theres this mixed up lil emo kid from the mid-west with a head full of madness and heart full of sorrow.
and i just... authentically love the hell of you. you frustrate me, you inspire me, you love me, you hate me, you think about me, you don't. its... all the same. its this frequency; this feeling. maybe you don't feel it. i always told you that if you want me to leave you alone, you just say the word.
anyways, V-day. i went to the rink last year and it was awful. happy couples, holding hands. looking into each other eyes. i won't lie, my loathing stemmed from envy. just to have someone to do something with. who knows if they'll last, if they even actually like each other. they do for that moment. for that second. its fleeting and beautiful and disgusting. to me, it feels like being jealous of a bunch of butterflies. i don't feel like i'm one, but i am glad theyre here and around. it looks sweet.
..i should probably stop. this is getting long. i am going to try and post here when the feeling to call you overwhelms me.
(PS. you were right about the transition from "If This Tour Doesnt Kill You, I Will" into "DVP". It kinda the greatest thing i've ever heard.)







