surfs up @dammit-kon-blog - Tumblr Blog

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know. and i’m sorry. i am really sorry. and i get it. i just… i trust you, and i still will trust you. i’m so sorry that i hurt you. and … it hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to let me go, because you don’t have to be that patient. nobody has to put up with me. i would only want that if that were your choice. i know i was obviously so much worse so it feels like shit to tell you that. and that’s what i meant about not telling the truth… because if i’d known you were hurting you know i would have fixed it, because i do love you and i always will. and i don’t deserve you until i can be someone you can trust.

dammit-kon-blog

see timmy when you say things like “nobody has to put up with me” and “i was so much worse” youre just piling guilt on me

this is the shit that made it hard to be honest

this is the shit that made me feel like i couldnt fall off that pedestal

so go ahead and call me a liar, because you ARE calling me a liar and i need u to stop playing like theres a difference between someone who didnt tell the truth and a liar, but dont play like there was no reason for it bro like it was a matter of trusting you or not

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know there was a reason. i know. i get it… i meant to say i was worse as a way of acknowledging that i was wrong. i don’t want to deflect from my own guilt. and i don’t mean that to make you feel guilty! i mean that you’re not obligated to deal with my issues and shit because it’s not your fault! i’m sorry that i made you feel guilty, now and before. i don’t want to call you a liar because it’s not a value judgement and “liar” makes it seem like i think that’s what you are just in general.

dammit-kon-blog

i don’t think that you do get it

hackitude-deactivated20160926

you felt like you were the only person that could deal with me so you wanted to be there because nobody else would and you didn’t want to let me down…? because you thought i was your responsibility and if you admitted it was too much then it’d be your fault if i hurt myself or whatever? i do get it. i’ve never been there with a person but i’ve been there with a lot of stuff. i know what it feels like to need to pretend to be okay and to be the glue that holds something together. i get that. but maybe there’s more to it. i admit that there’s still a lot i don’t get.

dammit-kon-blog

i would never think i was the only person that could deal with you dude. that’s a disservice to you as my best friend.

it felt like i was failing you and you had expectations of me that i just couldnt meet. thats what it felt like.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

… yeah. and that’s on me. because i do… think the world of you but i also know that just like me you’re a person with issues and i guess it’s hard to get both of those things across at the same time. and i’m sorry. but thanks for being my friend and thanks for trying to help me understand so i don’t just keep doing the same stuff, because i’m anal about trusting people and i can’t just take advice from anybody. but you don’t have to do that. i do figure stuff out that doesn’t have to do with crimes. it just takes a long ass time.

dammit-kon-blog

its cool tim. i know you figure stuff out, youre a smart guy. i just gotta be brave enough to risk disappointing people sometimes i guess.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

yeah. that’s a good skill. not one i can say i have. but you’re brave and you can do stuff like that. and i will too, maybe someday. but i think it’s okay to not be able to do those things, because i’m not even old enough to drink… and you’ve only been around for even shorter… and you can’t just read that stuff in a book or something or from that direct brainwave or whatever stuff. you learn it from real life and from listening to people instead of being defensive because you don’t wanna be weak. and by “you” i mean myself and not you.

dammit-kon-blog

it’s both of us

for sure

i mean we connect for a reason right

#LOTS OF REASONS but like being stubborn and afraid of being weak is way us

dammit-kon-blog

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know. and i’m sorry. i am really sorry. and i get it. i just… i trust you, and i still will trust you. i’m so sorry that i hurt you. and … it hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to let me go, because you don’t have to be that patient. nobody has to put up with me. i would only want that if that were your choice. i know i was obviously so much worse so it feels like shit to tell you that. and that’s what i meant about not telling the truth… because if i’d known you were hurting you know i would have fixed it, because i do love you and i always will. and i don’t deserve you until i can be someone you can trust.

dammit-kon-blog

see timmy when you say things like “nobody has to put up with me” and “i was so much worse” youre just piling guilt on me

this is the shit that made it hard to be honest

this is the shit that made me feel like i couldnt fall off that pedestal

so go ahead and call me a liar, because you ARE calling me a liar and i need u to stop playing like theres a difference between someone who didnt tell the truth and a liar, but dont play like there was no reason for it bro like it was a matter of trusting you or not

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know there was a reason. i know. i get it… i meant to say i was worse as a way of acknowledging that i was wrong. i don’t want to deflect from my own guilt. and i don’t mean that to make you feel guilty! i mean that you’re not obligated to deal with my issues and shit because it’s not your fault! i’m sorry that i made you feel guilty, now and before. i don’t want to call you a liar because it’s not a value judgement and “liar” makes it seem like i think that’s what you are just in general.

dammit-kon-blog

i don’t think that you do get it

hackitude-deactivated20160926

you felt like you were the only person that could deal with me so you wanted to be there because nobody else would and you didn’t want to let me down…? because you thought i was your responsibility and if you admitted it was too much then it’d be your fault if i hurt myself or whatever? i do get it. i’ve never been there with a person but i’ve been there with a lot of stuff. i know what it feels like to need to pretend to be okay and to be the glue that holds something together. i get that. but maybe there’s more to it. i admit that there’s still a lot i don’t get.

dammit-kon-blog

i would never think i was the only person that could deal with you dude. that’s a disservice to you as my best friend.

it felt like i was failing you and you had expectations of me that i just couldnt meet. thats what it felt like.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

… yeah. and that’s on me. because i do… think the world of you but i also know that just like me you’re a person with issues and i guess it’s hard to get both of those things across at the same time. and i’m sorry. but thanks for being my friend and thanks for trying to help me understand so i don’t just keep doing the same stuff, because i’m anal about trusting people and i can’t just take advice from anybody. but you don’t have to do that. i do figure stuff out that doesn’t have to do with crimes. it just takes a long ass time.

dammit-kon-blog

its cool tim. i know you figure stuff out, youre a smart guy. i just gotta be brave enough to risk disappointing people sometimes i guess.

dammit-kon-blog

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know. and i’m sorry. i am really sorry. and i get it. i just… i trust you, and i still will trust you. i’m so sorry that i hurt you. and … it hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to let me go, because you don’t have to be that patient. nobody has to put up with me. i would only want that if that were your choice. i know i was obviously so much worse so it feels like shit to tell you that. and that’s what i meant about not telling the truth… because if i’d known you were hurting you know i would have fixed it, because i do love you and i always will. and i don’t deserve you until i can be someone you can trust.

dammit-kon-blog

see timmy when you say things like “nobody has to put up with me” and “i was so much worse” youre just piling guilt on me

this is the shit that made it hard to be honest

this is the shit that made me feel like i couldnt fall off that pedestal

so go ahead and call me a liar, because you ARE calling me a liar and i need u to stop playing like theres a difference between someone who didnt tell the truth and a liar, but dont play like there was no reason for it bro like it was a matter of trusting you or not

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know there was a reason. i know. i get it… i meant to say i was worse as a way of acknowledging that i was wrong. i don’t want to deflect from my own guilt. and i don’t mean that to make you feel guilty! i mean that you’re not obligated to deal with my issues and shit because it’s not your fault! i’m sorry that i made you feel guilty, now and before. i don’t want to call you a liar because it’s not a value judgement and “liar” makes it seem like i think that’s what you are just in general.

dammit-kon-blog

i don’t think that you do get it

hackitude-deactivated20160926

you felt like you were the only person that could deal with me so you wanted to be there because nobody else would and you didn’t want to let me down…? because you thought i was your responsibility and if you admitted it was too much then it’d be your fault if i hurt myself or whatever? i do get it. i’ve never been there with a person but i’ve been there with a lot of stuff. i know what it feels like to need to pretend to be okay and to be the glue that holds something together. i get that. but maybe there’s more to it. i admit that there’s still a lot i don’t get.

dammit-kon-blog

i would never think i was the only person that could deal with you dude. that’s a disservice to you as my best friend.

it felt like i was failing you and you had expectations of me that i just couldnt meet. thats what it felt like.

#and there is more to it but im tired and i never wanted to go into this all

dammit-kon-blog

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know. and i’m sorry. i am really sorry. and i get it. i just… i trust you, and i still will trust you. i’m so sorry that i hurt you. and … it hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to let me go, because you don’t have to be that patient. nobody has to put up with me. i would only want that if that were your choice. i know i was obviously so much worse so it feels like shit to tell you that. and that’s what i meant about not telling the truth… because if i’d known you were hurting you know i would have fixed it, because i do love you and i always will. and i don’t deserve you until i can be someone you can trust.

dammit-kon-blog

see timmy when you say things like “nobody has to put up with me” and “i was so much worse” youre just piling guilt on me

this is the shit that made it hard to be honest

this is the shit that made me feel like i couldnt fall off that pedestal

so go ahead and call me a liar, because you ARE calling me a liar and i need u to stop playing like theres a difference between someone who didnt tell the truth and a liar, but dont play like there was no reason for it bro like it was a matter of trusting you or not

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know there was a reason. i know. i get it… i meant to say i was worse as a way of acknowledging that i was wrong. i don’t want to deflect from my own guilt. and i don’t mean that to make you feel guilty! i mean that you’re not obligated to deal with my issues and shit because it’s not your fault! i’m sorry that i made you feel guilty, now and before. i don’t want to call you a liar because it’s not a value judgement and “liar” makes it seem like i think that’s what you are just in general.

dammit-kon-blog

i don’t think that you do get it

dammit-kon-blog

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

hackitude-deactivated20160926

i know. and i’m sorry. i am really sorry. and i get it. i just… i trust you, and i still will trust you. i’m so sorry that i hurt you. and … it hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to let me go, because you don’t have to be that patient. nobody has to put up with me. i would only want that if that were your choice. i know i was obviously so much worse so it feels like shit to tell you that. and that’s what i meant about not telling the truth… because if i’d known you were hurting you know i would have fixed it, because i do love you and i always will. and i don’t deserve you until i can be someone you can trust.

dammit-kon-blog

see timmy when you say things like “nobody has to put up with me” and “i was so much worse” youre just piling guilt on me

this is the shit that made it hard to be honest

this is the shit that made me feel like i couldnt fall off that pedestal

so go ahead and call me a liar, because you ARE calling me a liar and i need u to stop playing like theres a difference between someone who didnt tell the truth and a liar, but dont play like there was no reason for it bro like it was a matter of trusting you or not

id like to say that i was approached by more than 1 party about the toxicity of my relationship and that tho i do not talk abt it now publicly bc it’s mad personal, i do talk abt it privately and those ppl who talked to me abt it privately have helped me realize the real harm it was doing me

no one meant to hurt anyone but i believe in inherent goodness and i dont think people generally mean to hurt others

but was i hurt? yeah. intent doesnt always equal impact.

#thats all man #im not tryna fight but like my hurt was real dude