so uh hi again.. me again.. after abandoning my account yet again..
i saved a screenshot of this post to a pinterest board in 2019 before i had tumblr. it stuck with me. in may of 2021 i met somebody staying with family in an air bnb across the street from me. during that month of him stay i almost swallowed a sharpener blade (stupid i know, i was a baby gay trying to impress him and it backfired horrifically) and nearly died. in 2023 his homophobic family banned him from speaking to me and i was blocked on every possible platform. i haven't heard from him since. there was a car crash in his home town a few months after. the driver, passenger, and pedestrian hit all died. it happened at 8:04am on the road he walks on to get to school which starts at 8:15. i'll never know if he was there. i got high and reread all our texts. i wrote a poem that night and yesterday i found it in my google drive. here is that poem, albeit quite shit, but the similarities of it to this post and the emotions that came back to me were too beautiful not to share. maybe it wasn't him. and maybe he'll see this. i miss you "aero"
even though the window beside me is open,
and the music is blaring,
nothing compared to the cold ache,
nor the screams I still hear,
or the sad hum of the songs we used to listen to,
could never block out what's really there,
because even though it's freezing out,
your laugh echoes in my soul,
a painful reminder of what could have been,
if we only had more time.
like it's shouting to me,
“look! look, I'm still here!”
“look, I never left you!”
when your songs are on the radio,
or when the leaves blows in a certain direction,
think back to that day in the fields,
when I had a bleeding tongue,
and you had your shitty bike,
the one that whirred and squeaked in third gear,
and we sped through the grasses,
pedals cutting into the dry wheat like the blade in my mouth,
bike abandoned by the tree line
we ran and we ran and we ran,
as I clutched at the blood dripping down my chin,
and we ran until we couldn't run any longer,
and we stopped by the bushes, softly blooming their summer flowers,
laughed and laughed and laughed,
I don't remember the last time i laughed like i did then,
blood spitting from the gaps between my teeth,
splattering quietly onto the concrete under us,
pooling into the potholes,
but then you got serious,
grey eyes peering into mine
filled with concern, as though you had just realised what happened,
and with your hand heavy in mine you asked me if it hurts, does it hurt?
all the memories of you do.
and I am no longer the kid with the bloody mouth,
and you no longer have that shitty bike,
so I'll try to move on, I'll try my hardest, just like how I tried not to cry that day in the field,
so I'll keep that memory,
somewhere with those photos, in a box under my bed,
the same box that used to be filled with guitar picks and fanta tabs,
and I'll think of you sometimes,
when your songs are on the radio,
or when the january winds blow the leaves that certain way,
and maybe then i won't feel so cold.
germansingergirl
titsay
vaporwave
romaincrisis
prguitarman
tangentwithtanner
