Euphoria

Allison. 27. Gay, liberal, mentally ill. She/her. Graduate student. Ask me anything!

[damsel-in-dissociation]

Sometimes I think I take the meds for reasons beyond my comprehension

Because my mother once told me I was faking my illness for the medication

I am scared to let people in

But I’m even more afraid to let them out

I rely too much on others

And yet never ask for help

I attach myself to blanket people

To coddle my inner child

She never got the help she needed,

The support all children do

I was only told “you’re faking it”

“You know exactly what to do”

What to do for what, exactly?

Make other people see

See the ache in side of me

That makes it hard to breathe?

Now that I am older

I recognize the abuse

But I still can’t bring myself to question

You and the things you do

Instead I question myself

Question my own intentions

Am I making all this up?

Am I drunk on the attention?

Speaking of drinking...

You told me “kids your age are supposed to have fun!

Go out and party hard”

When I was just 13 years old

When I was working hard

So when I went to college,

I partied all night long

Almost every day of the week

To help silence the siren’s song

Too drunk to go home alone

Too sober to forget

Too many nights spent sleeping

On dirty bathroom floors

In frat houses and strange dorm rooms

Who knows what could have happened

I would wake up forlorn

Sad and alone, barely conscious

Trying to breathe air from the deep end

This was all a call for help

This I can now see

But when I told you what had happened

You told me it was me

I told you why my grades were slipping

How I truly felt

You pretended to be supportive

Until I was sleeping on your couch

You told me “you can trust me”

“I’m only here to help”

Once I was back home though

You became someone else

Someone who was familiar

Who I couldn’t ask for help

I was muted by your silence

Your hands wrapped around my throat

You laughed while I cried in silence

And got angry when I choked

I spoke about the violence

And then you kicked me out

For not helping around the house

Although I did all the cleaning

And all you did was yell

What happened with to “I’ll help you”

What happened when I fell?

It had only been two months

You pressured me to get a job

Though I still couldn’t sleep

Through the night without panicking

From something in my dreams

After you fought me physically

(That’s when my demons first came out)

You punched me in front of my “friends”

Who told me they didn’t know

I told them while we were growing up

But you were “cool” and I was drama

Plus their lives were harder,

Riddled with drugs and death

What did I have to complain about?

Screaming and mumbling under your breath?

I should have cut our connection then

After that fist fight in the yard

Would have saved me a lot of time

And the damage that you’ve done since then

That I played off as fine

But now I feel I’m guilty

That you’re not as toxic as you seem

You still never even call me

But you’re perfect on the screen

My mind is constantly screaming

The voices make me doubt

Sometimes I wonder how this happened

How I got so numb

But then I think of what they’ve made me

What I have truly become

I am haunted by the voices

That scream and shout and blame

But then one day I realized,

The voices all sound the same

It’s you!

It’s you!

Of course it’s you

Why did I ever have any doubt?

You were the one who told me

What I should care about

Boys and makeup and parties

And what not to eat

“You’d be so pretty if you ate less

If you would just shut your mouth”

“Shut up and take it, little one

What are complaining about?”

I cry myself to sleep at night

Thinking of the nightmares in my head

I know what my mind is capable of

Especially when it wants me dead

I’ve been stung and burnt and gutted

(More literal than it seems)

But really all these pieces are

Are little bits of me

So if my brain is scary

Then what does that make me?

Because if my brain can send me threats

While I’m awake or asleep

I am just that, personified

I’m shaking in my knees

I don’t want to be this person

So capable of harm

Have I ever hurt someone?

No but I’m always armed

I’m aware of all my demons

They wake me in my sleep

Some may call it PTSD

But I just call it me

[damsel-in-dissociation]

If you’re reading this

Please know I’m sorry.

I want you to know that you meant the world to me. I’m sorry I’m traumatized and that I let that get in the way of something truly beautiful. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was bored because we weren’t toxic. We were good together. I’m so sorry I hurt you, and I moved on faster than I’d like to admit. But also know I was telling you the truth. About everything. I didn’t move to Colorado until after you and I had ended things. She and I didn’t start dating until after I ended things either. I rushed into my relationship with her because I was insecure and scared. Please know I still think about you. I still wonder how you’re doing, and I hope you’re doing well. This is not an admission of love, but rather an admission of guilt. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I would love to have you back in my life. You’re a wonderful person and I hope the world is understanding and kind to you.

[bloodmoonlich]

Does a story die with its narrator?

[thestargazerlily]

THE END!

halsey @tiredandlonelymuse — for: the great impersonator

[falloutgayaf]

Letter to God (1998) | Halsey

[cutie46]

You’re sitting on my lap, arms around my neck, head on my shoulder. You kissing my neck, and you’re beginning to moan a little in my ear. You’re just slowly riding my strap, and slowly driving me insane with your hips. I’m holding you close, caressing your back, your ass, all heightening your pleasure as you throw your head and upper body back and I support you with one arm. My other hand moving to rub your clit as you ride my cock until you have the most intense orgasm, I think I’ve ever seen you have. I bring my other hand to your back for support as you let yourself go, your moans are almost screams. As you start to come down you kiss me, so deep and passionate that it helps push me over the edge and I cum too. You have another small orgasm and then relax into me with your tongue still in my mouth. You finally break the kiss and rest your head on my shoulder again. You actually doze off like that and I just hold you while I continue watching tv, perfectly content. 😈💦🥵💋💜

[nevver]

Where do you cop? Glen Rubsamen

[anxeious]

[damsel-in-dissociation]

If I’m meant to be here, I need a really big, obvious hint as to what I’m here to do. Because in this close to jumping off a cliff without protection. I am no longer safe to myself. Give me a reason to live, universe, or please just let me die.

[chronicallyonlinesworld]

[bpdohwhatajoy]

💯 🤣

[pallmallsandashtrays]

[thingsmyxxxsaid]

“Time didn’t stop when he left. Blame it on my youth, my heart, ripe as the peaches in my grandma’s orchard, but I thought that it would. I thought that wood would splinter, bricks would crack, that the foundation of this house he haunts would revolt and leave me buried in its foundation. I thought that I would die before I hurt him. Thought, thought, thought. What a stupid thing. I love you, what an useless word. There were no I love you’s left when the sobs echoed through the phone line, like lightning in my veins. None left when I asked him to choose, and he chose to let go. Moth laughter floated drunkenly on the other end of the line, and when I hung up, my family was still debating what to cook for dinner. The sun was still setting. The same thighs he used to kiss walked me out the door. The same hands he used to hold wrecked havoc on canvas. The boy, who made time stop when he touched me, hadn’t halted it with his goodbye.”

— Elisa V, The Boy Who Couldn’t Steal Time  (via inkchantments) my friend elisa just knocks it out of the park yet again

[damsel-in-dissociation]

Sometimes I think I take the meds for reasons beyond my comprehension

Because my mother once told me I was faking my illness for the medication

I am scared to let people in

But I’m even more afraid to let them out

I rely too much on others

And yet never ask for help

I attach myself to blanket people

To coddle my inner child

She never got the help she needed,

The support all children do

I was only told “you’re faking it”

“You know exactly what to do”

What to do for what, exactly?

Make other people see

See the ache in side of me

That makes it hard to breathe?

Now that I am older

I recognize the abuse

But I still can’t bring myself to question

You and the things you do

Instead I question myself

Question my own intentions

Am I making all this up?

Am I drunk on the attention?

Speaking of drinking...

You told me “kids your age are supposed to have fun!

Go out and party hard”

When I was just 13 years old

When I was working hard

So when I went to college,

I partied all night long

Almost every day of the week

To help silence the siren’s song

Too drunk to go home alone

Too sober to forget

Too many nights spent sleeping

On dirty bathroom floors

In frat houses and strange dorm rooms

Who knows what could have happened

I would wake up forlorn

Sad and alone, barely conscious

Trying to breathe air from the deep end

This was all a call for help

This I can now see

But when I told you what had happened

You told me it was me

I told you why my grades were slipping

How I truly felt

You pretended to be supportive

Until I was sleeping on your couch

You told me “you can trust me”

“I’m only here to help”

Once I was back home though

You became someone else

Someone who was familiar

Who I couldn’t ask for help

I was muted by your silence

Your hands wrapped around my throat

You laughed while I cried in silence

And got angry when I choked

I spoke about the violence

And then you kicked me out

For not helping around the house

Although I did all the cleaning

And all you did was yell

What happened with to “I’ll help you”

What happened when I fell?

It had only been two months

You pressured me to get a job

Though I still couldn’t sleep

Through the night without panicking

From something in my dreams

After you fought me physically

(That’s when my demons first came out)

You punched me in front of my “friends”

Who told me they didn’t know

I told them while we were growing up

But you were “cool” and I was drama

Plus their lives were harder,

Riddled with drugs and death

What did I have to complain about?

Screaming and mumbling under your breath?

I should have cut our connection then

After that fist fight in the yard

Would have saved me a lot of time

And the damage that you’ve done since then

That I played off as fine

But now I feel I’m guilty

That you’re not as toxic as you seem

You still never even call me

But you’re perfect on the screen

My mind is constantly screaming

The voices make me doubt

Sometimes I wonder how this happened

How I got so numb

But then I think of what they’ve made me

What I have truly become

I am haunted by the voices

That scream and shout and blame

But then one day I realized,

The voices all sound the same

It’s you!

It’s you!

Of course it’s you

Why did I ever have any doubt?

You were the one who told me

What I should care about

Boys and makeup and parties

And what not to eat

“You’d be so pretty if you ate less

If you would just shut your mouth”

“Shut up and take it, little one

What are complaining about?”

I cry myself to sleep at night

Thinking of the nightmares in my head

I know what my mind is capable of

Especially when it wants me dead

I’ve been stung and burnt and gutted

(More literal than it seems)

But really all these pieces are

Are little bits of me

So if my brain is scary

Then what does that make me?

Because if my brain can send me threats

While I’m awake or asleep

I am just that, personified

I’m shaking in my knees

I don’t want to be this person

So capable of harm

Have I ever hurt someone?

No but I’m always armed

I’m aware of all my demons

They wake me in my sleep

Some may call it PTSD

But I just call it me

[yealukehemmings]

[scowlowl]

what the fuck is wrong with you?

Please be more specific and resubmit with the proper paperwork. 

[wanderthewoods]

“Ice Cave” by Georgia O’Keeffe and a photograph of an ice cave.