Sometimes I think I take the meds for reasons beyond my comprehension
Because my mother once told me I was faking my illness for the medication
I am scared to let people in
But I’m even more afraid to let them out
I rely too much on others
And yet never ask for help
I attach myself to blanket people
To coddle my inner child
She never got the help she needed,
The support all children do
I was only told “you’re faking it”
“You know exactly what to do”
What to do for what, exactly?
Make other people see
See the ache in side of me
That makes it hard to breathe?
Now that I am older
I recognize the abuse
But I still can’t bring myself to question
You and the things you do
Instead I question myself
Question my own intentions
Am I making all this up?
Am I drunk on the attention?
Speaking of drinking...
You told me “kids your age are supposed to have fun!
Go out and party hard”
When I was just 13 years old
When I was working hard
So when I went to college,
I partied all night long
Almost every day of the week
To help silence the siren’s song
Too drunk to go home alone
Too sober to forget
Too many nights spent sleeping
On dirty bathroom floors
In frat houses and strange dorm rooms
Who knows what could have happened
I would wake up forlorn
Sad and alone, barely conscious
Trying to breathe air from the deep end
This was all a call for help
This I can now see
But when I told you what had happened
You told me it was me
I told you why my grades were slipping
How I truly felt
You pretended to be supportive
Until I was sleeping on your couch
You told me “you can trust me”
“I’m only here to help”
Once I was back home though
You became someone else
Someone who was familiar
Who I couldn’t ask for help
I was muted by your silence
Your hands wrapped around my throat
You laughed while I cried in silence
And got angry when I choked
I spoke about the violence
And then you kicked me out
For not helping around the house
Although I did all the cleaning
And all you did was yell
What happened with to “I’ll help you”
What happened when I fell?
It had only been two months
You pressured me to get a job
Though I still couldn’t sleep
Through the night without panicking
From something in my dreams
After you fought me physically
(That’s when my demons first came out)
You punched me in front of my “friends”
Who told me they didn’t know
I told them while we were growing up
But you were “cool” and I was drama
Plus their lives were harder,
Riddled with drugs and death
What did I have to complain about?
Screaming and mumbling under your breath?
I should have cut our connection then
After that fist fight in the yard
Would have saved me a lot of time
And the damage that you’ve done since then
That I played off as fine
But now I feel I’m guilty
That you’re not as toxic as you seem
You still never even call me
But you’re perfect on the screen
My mind is constantly screaming
The voices make me doubt
Sometimes I wonder how this happened
How I got so numb
But then I think of what they’ve made me
What I have truly become
I am haunted by the voices
That scream and shout and blame
But then one day I realized,
The voices all sound the same
It’s you!
It’s you!
Of course it’s you
Why did I ever have any doubt?
You were the one who told me
What I should care about
Boys and makeup and parties
And what not to eat
“You’d be so pretty if you ate less
If you would just shut your mouth”
“Shut up and take it, little one
What are complaining about?”
I cry myself to sleep at night
Thinking of the nightmares in my head
I know what my mind is capable of
Especially when it wants me dead
I’ve been stung and burnt and gutted
(More literal than it seems)
But really all these pieces are
Are little bits of me
So if my brain is scary
Then what does that make me?
Because if my brain can send me threats
While I’m awake or asleep
I am just that, personified
I’m shaking in my knees
I don’t want to be this person
So capable of harm
Have I ever hurt someone?
No but I’m always armed
I’m aware of all my demons
They wake me in my sleep
Some may call it PTSD
But I just call it me
