Dani

Diaries and shenanigans of a small town girl

[dan1-the-g1rl]

Priority: None Cry, cry, cry. Cry baby. Cry all your emotions out, because once you're done you still feel just as absolute fucking shit as when you come back to the feeling that you don't mean as much as the person that mean the world to you. I just thought now after all this time I'd matter enough to be told 'i love you' before leaving, but maybe not I suppose. I asked to be in a different place, but I'm just in the same place with different people. Again this painful summer of waiting around for a message. Again wondering my own worth. Again with the unbearable angst and just unable to even breathe. No matter what I fucking do, I can't stop feeling this way. I can't stop feeling so shit for such stupid fucking reasons. I can't stop crying, I really can't stop wishing I was important. Wishing I wasn't easily forgetton, wondering if I'm better, maybe I'd be worth more. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I feel like I can almost always be there, but not have someone always available for me. Why should they be; I'm not worth enough to be anything more than a toy. I swear I was stronger, I swear I wasn't this way before. Why am I like this? I don't understand. Maybe it's love, maybe it's attachment. I can't get used to constant messaging, and then nothing at all. I wish I wasn't like this. I just feel like death. And yet I feel like I can't say anything. I just feel stupid. There's no way to forget, no remedy for my petulant pain. I'll only ever lie about my wellbeing. Insignificant emotions, insignificant girl. Sometimes I still wonder if there's a purpose for me at all. Push me away, I'm just forgotten. It's not like I need you. Not like I wish for you to tell me you love me like before.

Suffocated - Orianthi

[dan1-the-g1rl]

Tear Me to Pieces (Kinda Thought He Might Care)

(And just like that, everything is spilled onto the paper, including words, which I would soon regret)

The palm of my hand is red, and so are my emotions. My feelings, all I see is red. The midst of my hand hurts, and I scratch at it, scratch with long fingernails, and I want to make it bleed. Red, red all over.

I scratch down the sides of my face, to where my collarbone lays. The skin left behind is now pink.

I don't fucking care if I'm being dramatic, I want to scream out this heart-wrenching sob of broken promises, but I can only silently scream into my pillow.

My body is shaking, I tremble in my own skin from overwhelming pain. Emotions coursing through my veins, raw and burning.

I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

I, love you. But when this happens, it feels like that phrase falls on deaf ears. It feels like everything shared between us can go ahead and go to shit. Feels like, I'm nothing. Don't mean a single, fucking thing to you.

Tore my shirt off to stop you bleedin',

But nothin' ever stops you leavin'

I'll never understand how others stay so loyal to abusive people. I'll never understand feeling an obligation to them. Their treatment, is so awful. You don't deserve it. It'll always be that way, they'll always keep you under the rule of their thumb unless you get away from them. Always keep you there, at their service. It's not fair.

You wouldn't wonder why here, they don't deserve you

Empty. Void. Devoid. Make myself numb so I don't feel anything. The seething heat of anger and sadness is too much to handle for this little body, with a big heart. I'm so disheartened, you could never understand.

When I lay it all out, it feels like the emotions I have don't matter; and thusly, why should I share them? They don't matter in the heat of the moment, so why I share them in other occasions. It always makes the party upset anyways.

Promises that now feel empty. No, I don't know what it's like in the other perspective, how could I ever understand with only broken fragments?

•••

Para ellos, no les importa nada. Nada, nada de ti. Entoces, solo me puedo quedar con el pregunta, ¿porque te quedas? Aun que yo no so la manipuladora, son ellos que quieren torzir la situacion; ellos, son las verdaderas manipuladores. Pero es question de tiempo, de la vida, si debo decir lo que creo que se parece, como la verdad.

[dan1-the-g1rl]

mercy

ruiner ruiner ruiner ruiner

just ruin everything even though your hands are made of glass, 

say something and it comes out of your stupid little mouth, just keep your dumb insecurities inside

because it all just falls apart, it shatters and now there’s pieces left on the ground and now you’re hurting him, you’re making him step on the remnants of the broken wall i’ve put up

as you fall apart and say what you feel you only make it all worse, its all you ever do

it’s what you always do

it’s the one thing you’re good at

cant be frail cant be frail

stop it stop it stop it

i dont need to be like that i dont need to be so stupid, i should know better but i dont, once again ive said the wrong thing and now ive just given them an unpleasant flavor in their mouth

before the relationship’s started again, i ruined it and have left such a large crack in it that i just give him a feeling a faithlessness and hopelessness, already ive ruined it all and i wonder if itll ever get better

its always hoping, it’s always hope so

ive already instilled an unpleasant emotion and i just think

maybe

ill just cry instead 

ill just cut my tongue off instead

[dan1-the-g1rl]

The Story So Far

I don’t know what I’m doing. I guess I’ll type until this website is inevitably shut down or completely abandoned. But, anyways; I’m a 19-year-old girl living in a small agricultural town, and I literally live across from cows. I graduated from high school last summer, but ever since my identity was stolen, I wasn’t able to apply to financial aid, and now I can’t go to college. Meanwhile, the girl who took my identity is currently going to college in her city with the fafsa money that I originally applied for, but whatever I guess. 

My parents aren’t pressed for helping me change my SSN, and so I’ve been stuck at home ever since I graduated. I should’ve gone for my driver’s license during 2019, but now I can’t, because at the end of 2019, someone came to my home and vandalized my home and our vehicles, rendering one of them utterly undriveable. The other one doesn’t even belong to us, and isn’t even legal to drive now. Fixing up windows for a house and a car isn’t anything cheap, so I’ve had no other choice BUT to stay at home ever since November, which is just great. I guess it’s for the best now with the corona virus going around, but still the cabin fever gets to me. 

Being stuck in a situation like can really bring down a person’s morale. I feel like I am literally only wasting my time away, when ever since I was 14 I had already felt my youth was being wasted away with someone I didn’t even love. The days go by painfully slow, I help take care of my niece and nephew at times, those little demon spawns, and now I’m going to have a job in babysitting them, so that’s a good thing, I suppose. I just wish I had a door because jesus christ children’s screeching crying, laughter, and obnoxious running around is so very irritating, especially if it’s an everyday occurance. 

And I know that people that do know me, think I’m probably pathetic. Just sitting around at home all day, being nothing but a sad little wretch. And others that don’t even know me, just think I’m some dumb, weirdo slut. Even better. Or, people think I’m both, and I definitely known a certain someone that does view me as nothing but a useless unappealing object. But I already know it’s more people than just him. I don’t care, just as long as I’m not friends with someone who sees me so lowly.

I know what I want to do, but sometimes it feels like I don’t have a single clue at all what I want in life. I know two thing for sure, but that’s a story for another time. There’s hope yet, my dad assured me the other day that our car would be fixed up soon, and I seriously hope it is so I can get my driver’s license and apply for jobs again. I guess for now I’ll take whatever art commissions I can, and continue in my oversharing of my personal life online.