Dope Its Dana ☀️

This page is a running account of life after you. Writing is an outlet that lets me feel closer to you. This page is dedicated to you Dad.

[danalovesdharma]

I miss you. The words are hollow now like I used up all their meaning over the years. Its been 7 years but your face is perfectly etched into my mind. I saved all our perfect little moments together, neatly file away so when I’m lonely I can put out our memory. You are never too far. I can recall you in a lot of things I do, you come to my mind whenever I hear Elton's John’s Tiny Dancer, Buffalo Springfield’s For Whats Its Worth, and Zeppelins Stairway to Heaven.  There are so many things I wish we had time for, I wish you could have known me as an adult. I was such a brat. I’m sorry you only knew me as your child and not your friend. I would have loved to be your friend. I’m getting married dad and you would love Stephen. He is kind and loving. He makes me feel like it's us against the world. I could go anywhere with him and do anything and  I know I would be safe. One day he will make a great father. That child will have a piece of you and you will live on. But I must say everything in life is less spectacular without you. I want you to know, I know you did the best you could do and we are all okay. You didn't need to worry about us I will take care of mom. You can rest in peace finally. I’ll see you again one day, I promise.

[danalovesdharma]

I had a dream a few weeks ago, I remembered you clearly like not a day has passed even though its been nearly 7 years. You had your kind smile and that warmth that I only know as home. I dreamt that Ryan had meditated so deeply that he attained a spiritual prowess to talk to people that have gone beyond. In that dream, you and Ryan reunited. You were able to talk for hours. Ryan told you he had the power to bring you back but it came at a cost. You could come back as long as he took your place in the beyond. You both agreed. When I first saw you again I immediately burst into tears. You told me, “Happy 24th Birthday my dear, I know it's early but I couldn’t wait.” Ryan stood right beside you with a peaceful smile on his face and he blew away like dust. My heart hurt so much at that moment because he was gone forever and it hurt like losing you all over again. 

[danalovesdharma]

I had another dream, I woke up crying. You were there and we were in the house where I grew up. You smiled and I could hear your voice again. I’d forgotten what you sounded like. I was telling you how I had to go back and you said today was your only day off. As if you were on a leave from work. Work that took every moment of every day of the last 6 years. Desperate attempts I told you I could stay and offered to go to the Santa Monica pier. You paused and said sure in a solemn voice and half smiled the way you did about most things because we both knew that couldn’t happen. I cried in your arms and it was over. I was awake and soaked in tears. A part of me will always remember.. your half-smile, your laugh, your calming voice. You sound like home and I’ve been homesick for years.

[danalovesdharma]

If you wanna sing out, sing out. If you wanna be free, be free.

Sometimes when I’m in that place between wake and sleep I think that the last 6 years have been a long dream and I get to wake up and have a do-over with you. That I can have all that lost time back and we could have more moments together. There were never enough moments. I remember watching Harold and Maude with you and listening to Cat Stevens. Everything about you inspired me to be free.

I had a dream last night that you didn’t die that you just moved on to another life with another family but your young son had died a tragic death. In the dream, I reached out to you and told you how sorry I was for your loss. I felt so much sorrow that you would have to live without the person you love. Even in happiness the longing and missing still resonate in the cracks of all the good moments and every good moment is lessened in there absence. You told me it was your fault because you weren’t looking after him, but it wasn’t your fault. It was anyone’s fault.

It wasn’t my fault either.

[danalovesdharma]

I feel lost, lately when I look in the mirror I dont see myself. When I see pictures, I’m taken aback because that’s not me. I’ve been in dark time in my life it’s felt like a roller coaster but I know when it first started 6 years ago.. I really don’t know if I’ve ever been happy with who I am. Truly happy you know. Unabashed and proud of who I am. I was always overweight. I was always picked on, abused, and devalued for my weight. I’ve never fit in or been comfortable in my own skin. Even at my skinniest 140, I still felt fat. I still told myself no one could love you or find you attractive. I still saw all the flaws and they invade all my positive thoughts and leave me feeling so broken and insecure.

But now I’ve begun a journey of self-love and fitness. Been trying to get healthy for a long time. Before I would be crushed with disappointment when I’d fail. But that’s an unrealistic expectation. Failure is a part of life and I will fail so many more times in life. It’s not the failure I have a problem with it’s the dibilating feeling of not being able to try again. I should always try again, try better, and try harder.

[thegoodvybe]

[danalovesdharma]

Trying to get back on the weight loss journey. I’ve gain so much weight lately. My current weight is 185. My asthma has become a huge problem. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I’m so worried that excerising will trigger my asthma. I feel like I’m at this point in my healthy that I’m stuck in a negative feedback loop. For a decade now I am dealing with insecurity of my weight. My goal weight is 145. I’m anticipating 10 months of weight loss, that’s 4 pounds per month. I know I can’t expect immediate results so as long as I keep trying everyday.

[livinglowercarb]

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[danalovesdharma]

Nothing happens for a reason.

[thoughts-memories]

[renebhullar]

[veinline]

[hplyrikz]

Clear your mind here

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[danalovesdharma]

A few days ago I went on a first date with a man, I told him I’ve been burned before. I told him I don't trust men easily. I told him every man I’d been with has lied about his intentions, used me for sex, and never spoke to me again. He said he wasn't one of those guys. He said he wasn't going to bail. That night we slept together. The next morning he told me he would never see me again. He said I was an untrustworthy slut for sleeping with him so soon. He told me I would likely get pregnant on purpose to force him into a marriage. Though I’ve never had unprotected sex. He said I’d been with too many sexual partners and that's all he needed to know to prove I was a dishonest person and probably diseased. He told me I was crazy when I said his assumptions of me where completely wrong. I was so desperate not to add him to the list of men that used me for sex. I perverted myself into thinking I was a slut and I was undeserving. I know now the amount of men I slept with has no bearing on my loyalty, my pure intentions to find love, or my efforts in being a good person. These photos don't make me a slut. My sexuality doesn't make me a slut. My number of sex partners doesn't make a me slut. Why don't I feel like a slut when society, men, another women work so hard to brand a scarlet A on me? I should be ashamed of this photos, right? I'm proud of my body. I'm proud to feel sexy. A man doesn't take that away from me by calling me a slut. A man doesn't have that much power over me. The right man wont care how many sexual partners I’ve had, he will know I am his and he is mine and that's all that matters

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[c-isnenegro]