We get it, I’m a shit person.
You’ve made your point universe. This summer was hard, so you’re gonna make fall even harder? Do you know how fucking difficult it has been for me to be positive through all this bullshit? I’ve had faith, faith that M and I would get through this fucking infestation. We did everything we were told and when I saw one of those fuckers on me a few weeks ago I almost lost it. But you know what? At least I had a full-time fucking job. Who knew that a few weeks later that place would shove me and some of the best people I’ve ever met out on our asses.
Last week was one of the most difficult weeks I've ever had the misfortune of going through. I haven’t mourned for something like that in a long time. The pain of losing my job cut so deep, I couldn’t get out of bed. A week later, as I start to see the bright side of things, I see a bedbug crawl on me, at the place that was gracious enough to give me more hours. Do you know how stupid I feel? Is all of this karma? Or is this all truly random? I don’t want Michael and I to fight, I don’t want us on edge with each other. I don’t want to lose him if I eventually go back to being depressed again. What more stress can he handle? He already has to support me because I got laid off.
I’ve toyed with the idea that I could hang myself from the back porch. At least I’d be found relatively soon. I wouldn’t have to deal with the traumas of being alive. I can’t even support myself anymore. What a joke. I can’t even think about taking Minnie to the internal medicine vet and get her treatment because I can’t afford it anymore. I never thought I’d live past 21 and this has all been so taxing. Yeah, there have been some good times but I can’t fathom willingly bringing someone to this world knowing they’d have to go through all of these complicated emotions and situations. In the beginning, if I were to have been given a choice between (a) being alive or (b) ceasing to exist. I would choose the latter.
You see, I’ve never strived for fame or fortune. All I wanted in my life was to get by. For stability, a quiet life with the people I love. I don’t start shit with people, I don’t go out of my way looking for trouble. I just want to not cry at work anymore. I pray every night, for the people I care for and for things to get better but what more can I do? When will it get better? Before I lost my job, I had this mindset of “ok, we will get through this. what’s more that can happen?” and then... yeah. Now it’s like “.... what more can happen?” I just want to not be so scared anymore.
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