Maddened by the Stars

 My name is Lydia. I am a 29 year old bisexual woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This is my journey of healing through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and various forms of support. This blog is potentially NSFW but I try and put "read more" tabs on the "unsafe" or possibly "triggering" content. I have been in DBT now for a few years and I pretty much know my stuff. I'm not always perfect at using my skills and sometimes, I get willful and don't want to use my skills. But I have come to the conclusion that the best way I can help myself is to help other people. Tweets by @MaddenedLydia

[dancing-dragonfly]

Well once again I'm worried about my relationship with Jeff. These days I feel like I can't say anything without upsetting him or making him angry. He later told me he wasn't coping at all with everything going on in his life and that it wasn't me. But then he got mad at me AGAIN after that. So now I'm not sure if I believe him. Clearly I'm doing everything wrong. I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like a constant worthless failure and loser. I try so hard. The biggest problem I think in our relationship these days is that he really does not understand A.D.D. and how it affects my ability to function. All he does is say, "Just do it. Just concentrate." He also doesn't understand why I am so forgetful. He just says it's an excuse when I say I forget something. It has gotten to the point where I even dread admitting I forgot something. He is seriously starting to give me a complex. Part of me is thinking that maybe we would be better off apart. He says I don't make him unhappy but that clearly isn't true. Otherwise he wouldn't be upset with me EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. He has gotten to be miserable to be around. When he started dating Helena (whom I call my sister-wife), he really was making an effort to give me as much attention and spend time with me. And that's gone downhill. I suppose it was nice while it lasted. He says it's because he is always tired and I suppose that's true. I have no reason to disbelieve him I guess. But part of me thinks he doesn't want to be around me because he can't stand being around me because I'm so forgetful and spacey. I just wish I could be with someone who was more compassionate and understanding. I mean, what I want is FOR HIM to be more compassionate and understanding but that's never going to happen. He really isn't that kind a person. He isn't like evil or a bad person...but he isn't kind, really. Or compassionate. He is actually quite clinical and cold. It used to really bother me, but I got used to it. But once again it is bothering me because he refuses to try to understand what I go through. I'm barely coping myself.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Be proud of who you are not ashamed of how others see you.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

I really need to remember this whenever my boyfriend says negative things about me.

[gohaveaniceday-deactivated20200]

Hey hey! No one has the right to tell you that your recovery is taking too long! Everyone needs time and recovery is not always linear and easy! 🌻

#recovery #recoverywarrior #recoveryisworthit #anxiety #depression #selfharm #bpd #bipolardisorder #mentalillness #mentaldisorder #mentalhealth #selfcare #selflove #bodypositive #lgbt #lgbtqr

[kushandwizdom]

Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.

http://twitter.com/goodquoteco (via kushandwizdom)

[rottenbutrecovering]

Me, a histrionic psychotic borderline: yikes

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Just because someone says you can’t do something, doesn’t mean you have to listen to them.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Wow....

[quotemadness]

The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.

Juliette Lewis (via quotemadness)

This feels like it rings true....especially now.  I don’t want to die ALL THE TIME....but I do lately when my boyfriend says mean things to me.  Of course, whenever I say he is being mean, he just calls me “crazy” again.  So I can’t even be truthful or defend myself now.

[dreaming-in-techni-color]

“Good things take time” -Unknown

[dancing-dragonfly]

Seriously, I am so worried about my relationship with my boyfriend that I literally had trouble falling asleep last night and I woke up early this morning and couldn’t go back to bed.  I was that fucking worried.  When someone tells me I am on my last chance, it makes me fucking worried.  And I don’t just think that’s my abandonment issues.  I think that would fuck with ANYONE.  Like, I’m THAT bad a girlfriend.

[dancing-dragonfly]

I am worried about my relationship with my boyfriend.  Lately we have been both deeply unhappy with each other.  He has said there are things about me that he doesn’t like and while he admits that there are things about him that I don’t like, he makes an effort to change them.  For example, he says he tries to spend more time with me and he tries to be more affectionate.  I am trying now to change things about me he doesn’t like--for example I try and get dressed as soon as I get up in the morning.  He just sees the fact that I am lying around in my underwear lazy and I get that.  I have been successful at that and hopefully I can maintain this.  What I can’t seem to do is do things I say I will do.  For example, I said I would cook for him more often and I can’t seem to get my shit together.  Those were his words.  We agreed I would cook for him twice a week and I lost track of time AND I thought since he was working, he didn’t want me to cook for him because he has said that in the past.  He said I could have made pot roast since he generally eats it the next day and that I should have figured that out.  So yeah, that’s great for my self-esteem.  He has a knack for making me feel like the dumbest fuck in the world.  It is so fucking depressing and makes me hate myself so much that I often feel the urge to cut myself after he says shit like that.  Yesterday, I apparently was asking him stupid questions and he said, “Don’t ever ask me stupid questions.  I don’t ask them.  Even when I’m not feeling well.”  (I was feeling sick yesterday because I ate something with too much soy.)  Yesterday, apparently I was also supposed to cook for him instead of today.  I actually checked my text messages this time and I ASKED HIM ABOUT FRIDAY.  So I WAS RIGHT.  But of course I’m not allowed to show that to him because “it’s a record in writing.”  So basically he can’t stand to be wrong for a change.

Also, lately he has been saying how crazy I am and how I say crazy shit all the time.  Admittedly I am paranoid some of the time and very insecure (partly due to what he says to me actually whether he admits that or not).  He said he is tired of the crazy and even if I am not normal, then I have to act normal.  He said he can’t take the crazy anymore.  So now I feel like I can’t talk to him about ANYTHING that is bothering me or upsetting me.  Basically I’m just going to act happy or content all the time and act like nothing is ever wrong.  The funny thing is that he often asks me if something is up and I always say nothing no matter what these days.  Lately when he has asked that, admittedly nothing has been up...I suppose that’s just my “chronic bitchface.”  But from now on, even if something IS bothering me, I’m just going to lie and not talk about it.  I can’t stand another fight in which he inevitably calls me crazy again.  I feel like we are on the verge of breaking up as it is...as in he will break up with me because he can’t stand me anymore.  Maybe that’s my paranoia, but he HAS said he can’t stand me lately.  I am just so depressed now because I feel like we are growing distant again just when we were getting closer since becoming a poly couple. 

I wish I wasn’t crazy.  I wish I was normal.  I wish I had a partner who was more patient and understanding of my disability and my disorder.  He makes me feel like a freak.  Part of me wants to break up with HIM because I am so fucking unhappy in this relationship.  I want a partner I feel like I can be honest with.  I want a partner who makes me feel loved.  He has made me feel loved in the past, but lately he has been shitty at that.  He has been angry with me so much lately it makes me want to hurt myself.  He says I do make him happy but lately that hasn’t appeared to be the case.  Lately, I have been making him immensely UNHAPPY.  Otherwise, he wouldn’t be angry with me so much.  See, that statement for example would get him to call me “crazy.”  So I am now petrified of saying anything negative because I’m scared to be called “crazy” again.  He says I am on my last chance. 

You know what?  FUCK HIM.  If he can’t see how hard I’m trying and he can’t be more understanding and he dumps me, FUCK HIM.  I can still stay in the scene.  I won’t tell my mom if we break up because she will kick him out.  We share separate beds anyway, so we will just be adults and be roommates.  But I will be very cold and distant with him and I will NEVER take him back if he wants me back, no matter HOW MUCH HE BEGS.  I may be on my last chance, but in a way, so is he.  I deserve someone who doesn’t make me unhappy all the time anyway and someone who makes me feel loved.

[dancing-dragonfly]

#emotionalpain #emotions #pain #sadness #depression #anxiety #bpd #mentalillness #borderlinepersonalitydisorderawareness #borderlinepersonalityrecovery #dbt #dialecticalbehaviortherapy #therapy #iamnotworthless #recovery #mentalillnessstigma

[sheisrecovering]

Don’t be ashamed to speak about mental health.💙

[dancing-dragonfly]

Question

What do you do when your DBT skills aren’t working?

[dancing-dragonfly]

Gabapentin

I am currently on five 800mg tablets of Gabapentin.  I was prescribed one 800mg tablet three times a day for anxiety.  And boy did I need it.  I feel wonderfully numb now.  It was torture before.  I was emotionally on fire.  Why did I take it, you ask?  Well, it’s a long story.

((Possible Trigger Warning:))

I had been having body issues to begin with, and my boyfriend got mad at me for messing up a phone call.  It was something obvious I missed and it made me feel worthless and stupid yada yada.  So I ended up cutting myself.  A lot.  I even cut my legs, something I have only done one other time.  That was mainly to hide the fact that I was cutting again.  I have been in such trouble lately.  Skills are really hard to use in this environment and I feel like it’s either cutting or drinking.  I had been drinking before, but I read that not only does it interfere with losing weight, but it causes you to bruise more easily.  And let me tell you, my bruises are spectacular and totally out of proportion to how hard I hit.  I have always bruised easily, but not like this.  I know I have to find another way of coping.  I guess the drinking and the cutting (in fact I know the cutting) is a way of self-punishment because I feel so worthless.

But the main bit of strife has been my boyfriend’s terrible tendonitis in his arms.  It is torture for him and on his best days, he can barely use his arms.  It is especially awful for him because he was such a hands-on person, whether it was working on an amplifier project or an electronics project.  He can’t really do that stuff anymore and he understandably wants his life back.  We have sought treatment after treatment and nothing has worked so far.  We are seeing my chiropractor and his treatments are very painful for my boyfriend and the pain in his arms is excruciating for weeks after the treatment.  Finally, it seemed like his arms had finally settled down, but he got treatment again today and now he is convinced the horrifying pain is going to come back and it’s never going to go away.  The doctor even said he was just going to check his arms (he works on his shoulder, too) but he ended up working on his arms anyway. 

So when my boyfriend got home, he was hysterical and insisting that he was going to be in horrific pain for the rest of his life and that he wanted to die and that he was going to commit suicide.  I have to admit, it really made me consider suicide.  I even got out my anti-depressant pills and looked online for the lethal dosage and I have more than enough to do it.  I felt like doing it way before my boyfriend so he couldn’t abandon me.  But I think that must be my BPD with my SEVERE fear of abandonment.  I literally had all the pills in my hand and I was seriously considering it.  Because I don’t currently have anything going for me in my life right now.  I’m pushing 30 and my mom is still financially supporting me and it makes me feel ashamed.  I almost wanted to commit suicide to get back at my boyfriend.  I wanted to make him feel guilty for wanting to leave me.  And then I thought of my mom.  She had already lost her husband...she would be absolutely devastated if her daughter was gone too.  She told me at one point that I’m her best friend.  As much as I would like to die in that moment, I can’t bring myself to abandon her.

So instead of alcohol, instead of cutting myself (more), I’m on a really high dose (temporarily because a lot consistently can cause weight gain and that’s the LAST thing I need) of Gabapentin.  And it feels much better.  I know I really should be using my DBT skills more...and I HAVE tried.  It’s just hard and exhausting to keep going.  Maybe I will have better luck next time.

[dancing-dragonfly]

Is Tumblr still a popular thing?  I don’t really care if it is or not.  I’m just curious.

I am feeling particularly worthless lately.  I was binge eating bad food and I couldn’t stop myself.  I gained weight of course and now I feel ugly and fat.  Especially because my boyfriend’s “type” of girl is skinny.  Now, I’m not fat-fat, but I’m far from skinny.  I have curves and I have big boobs.  I used to be confident about my body when I was thinner because I still had curves.  I used to love my curves.  And now I hate them.  My boyfriend insists on telling me he loves my body but I know he is lying so he won’t hurt my feelings.  Now I know in a way it actually means more that I’m not his typical body type because it means he loves me for ME.  The problem is that I feel like I don’t have anything to offer other than kindness.  My looks used to be a part of the picture, but the infatuation stage is long over with my boyfriend and now we have kind of a companionship love.  I have to say, I have never fallen for someone so hard.  I feel like I got cheated out of the infatuation stage because it wasn’t that long at all.  My boyfriend and I are actually looking for a girl to have in bed or even be in a relationship with us.  When I said no girl would want me, he told me to not be silly and that I was adorable.  I just hate being so insecure.  I just feel so UGLY.

The truth of the matter is that even when I’m at my skinniest (which is like 20 lbs lighter than I currently am), I STILL have curves.  I actually don’t mind them when I’m skinny....but I do mind them now that I’m heavier.  My boyfriend insists he is still attracted to me and every now and then he initiates sex (we don’t have sex as often as we used to--every day).  But I don’t know.  Maybe he IS telling the truth.  For some reason it just makes me sad that I’m not his typical body type.  Maybe it’s because I’ve always had body insecurity issues and it’s leftover from that.  Whatever it is, it fucking sucks!

[dancing-dragonfly]

I need to remember this. #DBT #problemsolving

[dancing-dragonfly]