Worthless

**Trigger Warning** **I do not promote self harm in anyway this blog is simply a way for me to get my feelings out ** //22// Hope hurts and I don't wanna hurt anymore.

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My heart hurts

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I use music to drown out the voices in my head

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Again. I lay awake. Wondering. Hoping that I could just stop. Stop thinking

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Because you don't understand that I don't deserve to.....

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I feel really broken 12/22/17

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My heart hurts a lot 12/22/17

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You know who you are

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Im drunk and I cut a lot

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It hurts deep into my soul, I feel like I can't breath I hyperventilate until I throw up and pass out the pain runs so deep and so harsh and then you touch me and just like that it's gone

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And then I relapsed, the blood flowed into the bath tub and the numb feeling came back and for a second the pain was gone I felt numb, empty

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I wanna disappear for a little while

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It was my fault all of it, everything was me I deserve everything I deserve the worst kind of everything

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It was foolish of me to have the hope that I have and I'm forever sorry for that

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I was wrong

I was wrong to think that it would work, why would it you have her you have everything I just keep getting in the way everytime. I fuck everything up. Im a liar. I manipulate everyone ovbiously. So im gonna go away forever maybe I almost did it lastnight i was out at the train tracks waiting but I didn't do it. Why? Because I thought of you and even though ill never be anything to you I stopped. I shouldn't have I should have done it then you could he happy with her like I know you should and want to be, I have no right to be jealous but I am, they way you're always looking at those texts, the way you jump for your phone when it goes off. It crushes me a little bit more ever time but I brush it off because I'm the okay one I'm not allowed to be upset I'm supposed to be there for you when you are. There isn't anyone to pick me up when I fall apart so when I do I scrape together the few pieces that are left and hold on to them because next time, oh next time there won't be anything left.

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Im nothing literally I'll always be nothing I thought for a second that maybe

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Relapsed 12/16/17

It's pretty bad, probably need stiches I literally taped myself back together lol

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I feel like shit, that is all 11/4/17