He could've still been here.
And that's what hurts. The "could've" part.
The part where he could've seen his children grow into these respectful adults with pride, humbleness, and care.
The part where he could've watched his sons become immersed into film and his daughter pursue so many things.
The part where he would've absolutely made some banger songs for the people we've lost. A song for Black Lives Matter. A song for the school shootings that we've seen over the years. A song of him watching his children blossom. A song of him healing from all the trauma he experienced as a child and throughout his career.
It hurts knowing that Mike isn't here. I look at the eyes of his children and my heart breaks more. Not only because he isn't here but they remind me so much of him. When Paris smiles, I get goosebumps. When Prince speaks, I get goosebumps. When Bigi appears, I get goosebumps. They all have so many qualities about them that shout "Jackson" but they also allowed themselves to be more than their family name. That was something Michael was keen on.
I've always admired the strength they all carried but Michael and Paris always have blown me away. Michael was belittled, treated like a punching bag, dragged along the mud. Paris has been stalked, chased, followed, harrassed, just like Michael. But the strength they both have is admirable. And I'm a bit envious - not in that way but I wish I had the strength. No matter their challenges, they've pushed through and I think that's a big motivator for me tryign to better myself now. I struggle with many mental health conditions, I want to lose weight, and I just wanna become the best person (emotionally; physically; spiritually) but it's hard. But I relate to them both.
But thinking about Michael recently has brought about so many things. I wonder if he knows that I exist. I became a fan after his passing but I did listen to his music beforehand. I was just a kid, though. I became a fan in 2012 - admired his music before then. I've admired his dance and songs forever. I still remember when he passed and it instantly saddened me. I've been a fan of Michael for half of my life and I just hope he knows about all of the new fans he's made since his passing. I hope he knows that I exist. I hope he knows that I will never stop defending him. I hope he knows - from Heaven. But I secretly know that it'll always feel like he'll never know about me - that I will only know him. I believe I recently stumbled upon many other fans that felt this way -- maybe it was on Discord, Tumblr, a MJJ forumsite, etc.. I'll have to check through my bookmarks and screenshots. I hope he's watching over me and that he'll visit me in my dreams. I miss him dearly.
