Daniel & Jacob @danielandjacob-blog - Tumblr Blog

I Don't Want To Sound Cliche, But I've Just Been Super Busy The Last Few Months

It's been like 3 months since I've done a typed blog post and, cliche alert, I've just been super busy the last few months. So while I've found myself with kind of some spare time I thought I'd whip something brilliant up for ya'll.

Seeing as I've already mentioned cliches, I might as well continue with that topic. I think it's come to the point where people saying "I don't want to sound cliche, but..." has become a cliche itself.

Like, I caught the last half of some presentation on TV recently and the guy finished his talk with a statement along the lines of "I don't want to sound cliche, guys, but dreams really DO come true". And not only did the fact that he pointed out that he didn't want to be cliche highlight the fact that he was going to be say something cliche, I think he ended up being cliched twice in the one sentence.

Before writing this post, I wanted to make sure I had a proper grasp on what a cliche was (you know, so I didn't end up sounding like a right prat). Of course when I typed "cliche" into trusty Google, the top result was from the always respected source of Wikipedia and because the old Wicked-Pedia definition suited what I wanted to say here, I didn't look any further.

According to Wikipedia, a cliche is:

"an expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has become overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, even to the point of being trite or irritating,..."

I think "I don't want to sound cliche, but..." has become so overused that it's effect has pretty much been reduced to nothing and it's become trite, dull and even a bit annoying. Please, just stop saying it. Also, high five for the use of the word "cliche" 13 times in this post.

#I Don't Want To Sound Cliche But I've Just Been Super Busy The Last Few Months #Jacob #Cliche

10 Things That Should Be Glow In The Dark

If you had a superpower where you could make any object glow in the dark, what would you pick? Here are my ten things that I wish would glow. 1. Fish - yeah, just for aesthetics 2. Flowers - again, purely aesthetics 3. Moustaches - Enough said. 4. Feet - I'm always tripping over my feet. Perhaps illumination is the problem. 5. Sports equipment - Glow tennis, glow badminton, glow football... 6. Bubbles - Just think about that. 7. Sick people - Easily avoid getting sick by avoiding sick people! 8. Money - So that people can tell that you're loaded. Or ill (see previous point), 9. Owls - Just for fun. Our fun of course. I imagine it'd suck for them. 10. True love - Not sure on the logistics of this, but hey, I'm a sucker for a good love story.

The Next Simon Cowell

I'm after a new job. TV is my preference. Here's my application to be that-guy-who-is-angry-at-everyone-on-a-talent-show. Here are 5 vague sample criticisms. Feel free to steal them and use them on whoever you want.

1. That was the saddest thing I've seen since Dobby died.

2. My mother told me to stay away from things that weren't prepared properly – they give you salmonella. I think I just got verbal salmonella.

3. Did you know there are children watching this show? Why would you do that to them? Do you hate children?

4. In my list of things I hate, I don’t know which wins out of 'your performance' or 'fascism'.

5. People have been sentenced to death for less than that.

#Daniel #X Factor #TheVoice #Please Give Me A Job

You Can Dance If You Want To...

...but I CAN'T dance, even if I wanted to. My friends leave me behind. I literally just stand there on the d-floor with the banging beats, swinging my arms and hoping for the best. There is no rhythm and there is definitely no style. No girl is going to see me dancing and feel the need to rip my clothes off, let alone talk to me. So this post goes out to all the awkward dancers out there. Let's all awkward dance together sometime.

#Jacob #You Can Dance If You Want To #Dancing #Awkward Dancing

Trashy Journalism (aka The Future)

Here's what happens when serious journalism crosses with Buzzfeed. I think this is the future of journalism. I thought we'd better get in early by converting normal headlines into more appealing ones.

Here's a sample with the original, then my better version:

1. Manchester City Wins English Premier League Title; Liverpool Left 'Devastated'

OR

See Which Premier League Club Can't Even Handle It Right Now

2. Egypt Charges 200 Islamic Militants With Bombings, Other Violence

OR

200 Things You Need To Know Before Visiting Egypt

3. North Korea Renews Nuclear Missile Test Threats

OR

What Kim Jong Un Said About Nuclear Missiles Will Change How You Think About North Korea

4. China To Build New East Africa Railway Line

OR

The 4 Billion Dollar Project China Doesn't Want You To Know About

#Daniel #Journalism #The Future

How Disappointing, How Pathetic

It's been nearly a whole entire month since our last post and if you think that's disappointing and pathetic just wait until you read the list I'm about to compile about the most disappointing and pathetic things to happen to me and around me recently:

This morning on my way to uni I ordered a Sausage McMuffin from Maccas (McDonalds for you non-Australians) and they gave me a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Much cursing ensued.

When I got to uni at 8AM IN THE FREEZING MORNING I found that my class wasn't on this week. Much crying ensued. Here's a picture of me waiting with the rest of the students that turned up:

The Brisbane Roar won their third Championship in four years on Sunday. This is in no way disappointing or pathetic, I just wanted to brag. Much celebrating ensued.

It's freezing. Much shivering ensued.

Day-time television. It's never not sucked. Much boredom ensued.

The complete disregard my entire third year university cohort has towards any of our current classes. Much failure is likely to ensue.

This list. Much apology is currently ensuing.

#Jacob #Disappointing #Pathetic #Listing things because lazy #How Disappointing How Pathetic

They listened?

Last year I wrote about how positive feedback is brilliant. In fact, the original post was about how I was putting off going to the dentist because of all of the criticism that you cop with every visit.

You see, the dentist is just an expensive way of being criticised and tortured.

Incidentally, I still haven't got around to going.

But here's my point: I criticised the police for only dishing out negativity (in the form of fines), and suggested that they try a more positive approach.

Little did I know, my nearest capital city had just spent half a million dollars buying signs that give drivers a smiley face if they're doing the right speed!

That's right folks. $500,000 for some smiley face signs.

Not quite what I expected, but sometimes progress comes in small, $500,000 packages.

#Daniel #Dentist hate #A better future #Smiley faces

WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!

Everyone, we have an emergency situation. I can't believe this is happening. I'm suffering from shock. So much shock. I have just found out some terrible news.

#Jacob #WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!#Mean Girls

Jelly Sandals, Flashing Shoes and Being Ultra Cool

As someone who is basically illiterate when it comes to fashion, I always hear that "fashion is on a cycle" and that "trends always make a comeback" etc. Which is why I wasn't particularly surprised when I saw uni girls (who are very attractive might I add) wearing sandals like this:

Which leads me to the following question. If girls can get away with wearing jelly sandals from the 90's, does that mean I can get away with wearing shoes with flashing lights in the heel? I can't see why I can't wear shoes like this:

These aren't just shoes, they are a lifestyle. I mean, how could you get cooler footwear than shoes that light up every time you take a step. It's like a disco everywhere you go! Babe magnet anyone? Would I not be the coolest and most popular guy at uni with shoes like this? My guess is that I would be.

Excuse me while I go to my nearest Big W and purchase myself a lifestyle.

#90's #Jelly Sandals #Light up shoes #Fashion #90's Fashion #Footwear #Shoes #Clothes #Jacob #Jelly Sandals Flashing Shoes and Being Ultra Cool

And The Winner Is…

Every now and then I like to give out a Noble Prize. No, not a Nobel Prize; just a noble prize. You know, to recognise something of fine quality. The prize isn’t a tangible or exorbitant award. The prize is simply recognition.

Here’s what wins my Noble Prize for best advice in the past year: If you're not sure which way a door opens, simply look for hinges. If the hinges are on your side, then you pull. If you can't see hinges, give it a push.

Simple. And to think of all those times you've made a fool out of yourself by pushing at an unmoving door. Problem solved.

^ Can you see the hinges? And, you know, the 'pull' sign.

#Daniel #Noble Prize #Advice #Push/pull

(da da da dadadada) Under Pressure

As I've been/am being/will continue to be swamped with assessment for university this will be a short, quick, not very exciting post.

I have a problem. I hear you asking "One problem, Jacob? You only have one problem? I hardly know you and I'm pretty sure you are more messed up than that." And you are right, I am far more messed up than that. I have many problems and this is only one of them:

I can't do assessment pieces early. I never have been able to and I probably never will. All through highschool and through my first couple of years of university I've been leaving things until the last minute.

I would love nothing more than to be able to complete and hand in an assessment piece days before it's due. I would love to not have to stay up until 3am trying to finish an essay. I would quite enjoy not having to feel the pressure involved in leaving everthing to the last minute. I know that will never be the case though, because I do my best work when I'm under pressure and have absolutely no choice but to do the work. It's not ideal, but it's worked for me for years and years and as much as I hate it, it's just the way things seem to have to be.

Excuse me while I go and start the essay I have due tomorrow night.

#Jacob #(da da da dadadada) Under Pressure #Queen reference anyone?#University #Uni Life #School Life #Assessment

Got Milk?

If there's one thing I learnt in the first twelve months I lived away from home it's that you never. ever. let yourself run out of milk.

I don't know if this was just me, but if my fridge was void of milk my life seemed like it had become void of purpose and it inexplicably felt more difficult. I don't know how and I don't know why, it just did.

Maybe it's because the absence of milk became a representation of the absence of direction in my life. Maybe it was a symbol of how not together my life was because nothing says "I've got my life together and everything is going great" then having plenty of milk still within the best before range. One thing I do know is that without milk you feel like a failure and a disappointment to yourself.

If you take anything away from anything I ever post, it's that you'll feel much better about your life if you've got plenty of milk.

To conclude: Plenty of milk in the fridge = Life together

No milk in the fridge = Life NOT together

#Jacob #Got Milk?#Life Lessons #Milk #Life

The First Fortnight Of Any Semester Is The Most Important Fortnight

I, like a lot of other Australian students, am part way through the second week of a new semester at University. This is my third year of tertiary education and I've realized that what we do in that first fortnight of the semester can have a massive effect on how the rest of the semester goes. There is a majorly important decision that, if taken lightly or not carefully and properly considered, can make the whole semester almost unbearable.

I am of course talking about deciding where you are going to sit during tutorial classes. This is a semester long decision that can have major implications for the next 12 weeks. Where in the room and who you end up sitting near is what will make even the most boring classes at least tolerable. Here's all you need to know so that you can have a brilliant semester:

Get to class early in the first week, this way you are almost guaranteed to get the first pick of seats. If you have any mates in the same tute as you, either have them meet you there early or save them a seat/table.

Pick a spot where you don't need to turn around to look at the front of the class. Take into account windows, glare, fans, power points etc.

Enjoy your first tute.

Get to class early in the second week because you need to cement the fact that the brilliant spot you had last week is yours.

Enjoy your semester as King/Queen of the tute and look upon the rest of the peasant-students with total contempt and utter supremacy.

Repeat at the beginning of every. single. semester.

#Jacob #The First Fortnight Of Any Semester Is The Most Important Fortnight #University #Important Decisions #Getting It Right

Measure at Leisure

Communication ain't always the dandiest thing. Often in conversations someone will ask what the size of something was. If you’re anything like me, you don’t particularly work in metres or inches or light years or cubits. Also, the conversions (from inches to centimetres etc.) just create more confusion. These abstract terms are so far removed from reality that I find it's often actually more helpful to use everyday items.

Sure, it may not be as precise, but overall it does the job a whole lot better.

For your convenience, I've composed a list of common objects that are easily recognised and understood for you to drop into your next conversation. You can thank me later.

A Van – Look, everyone knows the size of a van. 'Nuff said.

A Pen – Pens come in all kinds of variety, but they’re all pretty much the same length.

A Credit Card – I've never seen an XL Credit Card before.

A Mouse Pad – I don’t know if anyone under 40 still uses mouse-pads, but we all roughly know the size.

Others

A Jet-Ski

A Tissue (Kleenex) Box

The Length of a Bed

I know that some of those might be controversial, but I think they’re all somewhat consistent.

I mean, the length of my bed would only be 1 or 2 tissue boxes different to yours.

#Daniel #LifeTricks #Measure at Leisure

The Sacredness of the Dinner Table

List of things that aren't allowed at the dinner table:

Having your elbows on the table

Leaning all over the table

Pretending to play the drums

This

Tapping on the table

Talking about the natural process of excreting waste

Talking about anything to do with blood or organs or death

Not having a shirt on

Playing with your drink

Playing with your food

Having a staring contest

Playing video games

Telling dirty jokes

Farting

Burping

Blowing your nose

Listening to music

Having earphones in

Wearing beanies or hats or sunglasses

Watching T.V from the table

Anything that isn't participating in polite conversation or silently eating your meal.

What is so sacred about the dinner table that it is inappropriate to do so many things? To be fair, some of these things are rude and inappropriate to do around other people anyway (like burping and farting) but a lot of them wouldn't be completely unreasonable away from the table. Does the table have some mystic sacredness attached to it that I'm not completely aware of?

#Jacob #The Sacredness of the Dinner Table

Family Terrorism

I arrived home this afternoon to a letter in the mail. It had my name and address hand written on the front (which usually means that it’s a good thing).

When I opened the envelope, it had just one piece of paper with the following note:

Obviously, this both alarmed and confused me. I checked the envelope, and there was no return address. What worried me most was that the handwriting on the note was identical to mine.

I had 3 questions:

Had I been hypnotized to write death threats to myself?

Why am I being threatened by people who don’t know how to end a parenthetical statement?

And why had they bothered to express their knowledge of my name and whereabouts since the envelope clearly showed this anyway?

I continued pondering this (and pretending to be Liam Neeson) until I remembered that Mum had recently been cleaning out some of my childhood collections. I eventually realised that she must have found this piece of paper that I'd written as a kid (for reasons still unknown) and sent it to me as a joke. My Mum's cool like that. I can hardly complain since I’d obviously written the threatening message to terrify someone in the first place. I just didn't realise that I'd be threatening myself.

Case closed. Well done Mum. You got me.

#Daniel #Threats #Terrorism #Case Closed

Friend Etiquette (Friendiquette): Is it fly for a guy to buy another guy a birthday gift?

If you don't mind reading a rushed, not too well thought out, jumble of words, feel free to hit "Read More". Otherwise, just ignore this post completely.

#Friend Etiquette (Friendiquette): Is it fly for a guy to buy another guy a birthday gift?#Friend Etiquette #Friendiquette #Jacob

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