Wot

Secret rant journal

[daniesbandaid]

I’m lonely. Like normally I’m alone and it’s never bugged me but my friends are dating or getting engaged or are already married and I know that I’m on the ace spectrum and possibly aro spectrum but I’m so lonely and I want a relationship. And I feel guilty about reaching out to friends for “replacing” a romantic relationship with a platonic one but I just need something at this point

[daniesbandaid]

When I was in elementary school I got bullied a lot. I had lost all my friends in grade five and I only wore baggy clothes, messy hair and liked books better than fashion or people. Very often I was used as a punchline in a joke, such as the popular guys being dared to ask me out. Or when a boy asked me if I was able to fit into rides because I was "overweight" which I really wasn't (maybe 150 at the most). Even better was my "dating experiences" where my bf at the time would slap my ass, or a different bf would constantly make up and break up with me and I fell for it every time because I was desperate for someone to like me. Or the fact that I was so deep in the closet that I didn't think it was okay to like girls even when I had a gf for the first time in high school because my elementary school taught me that "having homosexual thoughts was okay but acting on them was a sin" and that sentiment was reinforced by fellow students. TBH I'm 21 and I still hate parts of myself because of the bullying I encountered in elementary school. Honestly one of the most significant moments of my life happened in Grade 8 when we were taking grad photos. I did my hair and makeup and put contacts in and wore tighter fitting clothes and let me tell you, the amount of superiority I felt that day had given me confidence boosts to this day. Not only did I get compliments but the people who bullied me based on my looks were so shook. One guy even tried to compliment me and I remember saying in front of the whole class (indoor recess either rocked or sucked) "thanks. To bad you thought I was as ugly as your personality is" and honestly the mic drop was almost worth all the bullying. The few friends I made in my last two years are still some of my closest friends to this date and for that I am grateful. And honestly I'm grateful for how terrible all the people there were because it pushed me to audition for an out of area performing arts school and as much as I rag on my high school for being a shit hole, it gave me the environment to come out, dress as I want, and grow into the person I am today.

[daniesbandaid]

I wasn't sure if I was going to post (and I didn't until the day after lol) but I wasn't sure if being gender fluid fell under the trans umbrella. Anyways here's my (late) submission

[daniesbandaid]

Teaching

Ever since I was 10, I have always wanted to be a high school teacher. At first it was because I wanted to be just like my parents, but as I grew older and saw the positive (and negative) effects teachers had on students, I knew that some day I wanted to be that teacher that helped students realize that though school is difficult and not always fun, you can work through it and find one thing that you do enjoy. When I was in grade 11, I decided to become a peer mentor and got placed in a locally developed math class. This is the group of students that more often than not have terrible home lives, don’t speak english, have accessibility issues, or simply do not give a shit about school. Needless to say I, a student that has always had straight a’s and worked my butt off, was a little nervous. I did have a rocky start with one of the students who spoke another language primarily. He would swear at my in his native language, which unfortunately for him my friends had taught me all the swear words so I knew exactly what he was saying. He and I also fought over his cousin who was in the same class. His cousin, lets call him Seb, and I tended to work one on one most of the time and Seb struggled with math a lot simply because he was struggling to understand the language. As long as I was working with Seb and simply explaining the instructions, he got the information very quickly and was bale to concentrate for almost 30 minutes straight. Unfortunatly, the first boy left the class, and I say unfortunately because he was a very smart kid and I wish I had been able to work out our problems. Despite how many difficulties were brought up in this class, I aboslutely fell in love with the job. These students were so passionate about other subject and even if they did have emotional or tempermental issues, they would always apologize afterwards. These kids legitimately changed my life. I had at least four of the 16 students come up and tell me that I made their year the best in all of their schooling and I was the reason they were moving up to applied or they decided to take summer school and improve themselves as students. That reaction is the reason I decided to take education in university. 

Now comes my hell hole. I hate this program so much. Being in the high school stream I have so few options on what I have to take. Half of my educators think that they are better than the kids they are teaching, which is ridiculous since we pay their fucking wages. Not only that, but my program focuses so much on the younger students but I don’t have any idea how to work with students high school age and up. This program also believes that if you don’t have high grades you will be a terrible teacher. I think this is the point that bugs me the most. Ever since I reached grade 12, my marks have gone down due to multiple reasons, but mostly I was taking harder subjects and have never had to really work to get good grades, so I did not know how to handle the change in difficulty. However, I am still passionate about education and even when I have breakdowns due to the stress of my program, I know that there is no other job that I want to have when I finished university. I am so upset about the fact that I could get kicked out of my program just because my mental health has collapsed so much (due to my program) that I will be short of reaching my long term goal of becoming a teacher. It’s so unfair that the university just sees its students as robots. I can tell you right now, I will be a better teacher than half of the students the university pumps out, simply because I know and can relate to half of the struggles students go through and I am so passionate about making my students be the best that they can be.