I am Iron Girl! @dannielizabeths0309 - Tumblr Blog

Lyrics to "When I Close My Eyes" by Kenny Chesney. Off of the album "Greatest Hits".

“When I close my eyes, you’re all I see. In the dark of night, you’re in my dreams.” I can no longer sleep either. I go to sleep and I have the most amazing dreams that we’re ok again. Last night was very amazing. We were back at your house, we were going through old pictures and videos. There was one video of us where we were both just dressed up from your sister’s wedding, we started kissing, and it turned into a make out scene that looked like something from a Nicholas Sparks movie. So full of love and passion. We looked at each other, and we started getting very hot and heavy, and getting all the way. You told me that you would never stop loving me. I was happy back in your arms, spending the night again, and I started drifting away from that dream. Drifting back to the realization that you’ll never love me again, the realization that I lost my soulmate. It hurts way too much. I spend so much of my time just staring into space, day dreaming about old times and day dreaming about the hope that you’ll suddenly come back to me and tell me that you do still love me and that we’re meant to be. All I have are dreams. I’m never going to give up that hope that you’ll come back to me. I won’t stop believing that you meant it when you said that you’ll fall in love with me again. It’s going to take some time, I understand. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. What will it take for you to love me again? Because I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never move on. I’ll never let go of how in love we were and the hope that it will be found again. I love you. </3

I’m sorry if you’re reading this. Just know that you have made me feel extremely worthless and the pain you have put me through is very inhumane. You say you aren’t inhumane, but apparently I’m not human to you. You want to know what drove me to such depression and suicide threats? Because you helped me through my first break up. I genuinely thought you were interested in me. When I started falling for you a few months in, the first time I was crying and blamed it on Joey, it was because you told me to look for something in your whisper and I saw that you had another girlfriend. I was the happiest I had ever been when you told me you loved me back. You started looking for other girls, making me feel like I was no longer good enough. You told these other girls that your cousin (me) was over and that you would be slow responding. You found one of my friends, and showed more interest in her than you did with me. Once again, I felt worthless. The ultimate knife wound to the heart is when I was in the hospital in agony. You were flirting with this girl the whole time telling her you were single, and that your “friend” was in the hospital. You told me you had an interview, so you had to go home and sleep. I knew the truth through screenshots. That was my friend on the other end of that conversation. I won’t post screenshots here, simply because I don’t feel like editing. But basically it went something like this.

You: I wish my friends parents would get here already.. I really want to meet you tomorrow cutie XD

Her: So you single?

You: Kinda, we broke up but she’s being weird and acting like we didn’t.

You: “Yay! Her parents got here, we’re still on for tomorrow :D” (my parents never even answered their phones)

Her: You don’t seem to concerned for your friend.

You: She’s fine, her parents showed up and I left (LIE)

You: So where will your beautiful self be at 2:30? :D

You left me crying in the hospital to go meet up with her. I was in pain and reaching for your hand asking you to stay a little longer. You still went to go meet her at the water park. You say you went for groceries only after my parents stopped by your house for my car and confirmed that you weren’t at home applying for jobs. I saw screenshots, and I know you were there so badly wanting to meet her. When she didn’t show up, you begged her to meet you for lunch. My friend was angry with you, she told you to take me to lunch instead. Maybe I should have listened to her and left you then. But I was already so in love with you that I was willing to forgive and move on.

After that incident, I lost all trust. When you would kick me out of your house, I would cry because I was so afraid of you kicking me out to go meet up with someone else. When I got very depressed thinking that I was completely worthless and not good enough for you, I got very low and thought the only way out would be by ending everything. It only hurt much worse when you told me to go through with it as long as you weren’t around. I went to Galveston in a final attempt to calm myself down, and you were out getting drunk and messing with another girl in an attempt to void me from your heart and mind. I didn’t learn that until a month later and I was torn up all over again. I finally decided that maybe it was time for antidepressants. In fact, looking back, I see that you were saying that I needed medicine simply because you thought you were innocent and putting the blame somewhere else. You did this to the girl before me too. No girl is ever going to want to be with someone like you. You lie, cheat, only think of yourself, and manipulate others for pure enjoyment. It’s a shock that I was the only one you didn’t do that to. Or did you? You only told me you loved me after I got you your 300$ 3DS last year. I’ve spent a few grand on video games and systems for you. The final blow was you asking me to buy you a $450 Nintendo switch, then breaking up with me after you had it. Even after a month of asking for it back when I was broke, you just ignored me.

You say it was just harmless flirting with other girls, but let me ask you something. Did I appear to be unharmed to you? Did you not notice that I spiraled deeper and deeper because the love of my life was making me feel so unworthy of him and not good enough that he had to go and find others?

I was finally doing so much better earlier this summer. I was started on a new antidepressant and just a week or 2 before that first break up, there was no depression. I was happy. I was overly joyed that I had you, that you were starting school, and that we were moving forward with our goal of marriage and living together.

I’m pretty sure everyone thinks you’re so innocent and I’m the piece of shit who made your life hell. But while we were in therapy together, weren’t you told to go to a psychiatrist as well? Weren’t we given guidelines that I seem to be the only one to have stuck to? Did I ever even matter at all? Saying no, I never mattered and no you never loved me would be much easier to hear.

“You know how agonizing and painful it is?” “No I don’t.”

From her- “Bitch should do us both a favor and hang herself and rid the world of her presence.”

“She and that bastard child will be sorry. I know where she lives, I’ll sneak into her house and cut that little parasite out of her so you and I can be happy. She can just bleed to death.”

From you: “That child deserves so much better than her as a mother. You’re different and you deserve yours.” (She is different. She drinks, does heavy drugs, leaves her kid in the hands of drunk and high friends she barely knows, and threatens suicide all the damn time. Ok, I’m a very unfit mother compared to her. I threatened because I thought I had a miscarriage and you thought playing dungeons and dragons was more important when you told me you wouldn’t abandon me and would be there for everything).

Do you want to know how it fucking feels? Have someone you thought was your best friend say things like that to you, have someone who once loved you more than anything and wanted nothing more than your happiness agree with those statements and have the attitude of “to hell with you, go die, I’m only focused on fucking this person who’s hurting you so badly.” Have those 2 people repeatedly do that, have that one who you love more than anything in the world promise you he won’t talk to that person because they threatened the life of your unborn child, and even that didn’t matter, and they go crawling back to that person. Not once, not twice, not even 3 times. Too many times to count. It feels like I’m being shackled and restrained somewhere in the middle of you 2. She throws these knives at me, Maybe if there’s too many knives/hurtful things, she’ll come take them out and apologize, beg for forgiveness or whatever, but she’s right back at the starting line throwing them into me again. You, you’re her coach. You’re right there encouraging her. When she threw those knives and when she said some of those things, you took some of them out of her hands and joined in on throwing them right into me. You handed them back to her by saying you won’t talk to her anymore. But you just sat on the sidelines, watching it continue. When she apologized enough, you helped her yet again. I got to a point where it was too much. I built a protective shield from her, and I warned you that if you were still going to talk with her, I’d build a shield from you too, to protect your child. She tried the whole apologizing thing again, but I did something different. I broke those shackles because enough was enough. I threw those knives way out to where she couldn’t get them, and I had to build a shield from you as well. Because even after all of those hurtful knives, hurtful words, and you sitting and cheering her on by going back to her every time, you found the biggest dagger of all, and plunged it as far into my heart as it could go. You caused me to have to shield your child from you. You proceeded to walk off with her, probably to look for those knives for more fun at my expense. When you saw that shield go up, you realized your mistake. You’re still at a point where you’re just standing there shocked that I was serious about this shield. You’ve hurt your child. As long as this kid is inside of me, this shield has to stay up. After birth, this shield needs to stay up. I’m picking the name, he or she is going to have my last name only, and I’m at a point where I’m not even sure I want you on the birth certificate. That bitch somehow found my tumblr and sent it to you, you were a dick and actually read my posts, and I don’t even care anymore. If you read this one, how do you plan to fix this one? Can you see the damage you have done yet? You and Lily both? (Lily, I swear if you’re reading this and you message me begging for forgiveness again, I WILL call the cops again and let them know about the time I had to pick you up downtown and go get your daughter and watch her until her grandma was able to get her, and I had to make up lies to get you out of trouble. I was shaken up by being molested by 3 guys while you videoed and laughed. I have no more sympathy for you. That died when you threatened my son/daughter.) Do you both understand it now? Or do I need to paint another picture?

Baby names

Boy: Dylan Sage

Girl: Leila Desiree or Emersyn Gabriella

As a kid, I absolutely adored this song. It was a beautiful song that I enjoyed singing. I imagined myself a big star one day singing this song in the most sparkly and pretty dress. Now that I’m grown and I’m not the star that little me always dreamed about, this song has me in tears for a completely different reason.

I saw him tonight. It still hurts like a knife being plunged into my heart every time I see him. He tells me to just move on and not dwell on him, but how do I do that? How do I just move on from the best fucking thing that ever happened to me? The one thing I did right in my life that brought me nothing but happiness? How do I let go of the one person who ever loved me and cared about me? How do I stop loving the only one my heart will ever love? You only fall in love once in your life, with your soul mate. It’s him. It’s not supposed to be easy, I was the only one he was ever truly in love with too. How do you just stop loving someone? I still don’t understand it and it still pours salt into the wounds. My life is nothing without him. He’s become so cold and heartless towards me and it just tears me up so much every single time. I see him and I still see the love of my life that would just hold me, kiss me and let me know how loved I was by him, and that I had his heart forever. I see the guy who swore off marriage, but ending up giving me a promise ring and who told me we were going to live together and get married in the next few years. It’s replaced by a cold and heartless emotionless stare. Eyes that appear to tell me to just drop dead for the sake of everyone. It’s replaced by words that kill me. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I can’t fucking look at myself because he loved me so much, and I’m so ashamed of myself now because I don’t even deserve his love back. I wish for nothing else in the world but for him to love me again. I look at myself and all I see is all these knife wounds he left me with, and the words “worthless” “unloved” “undesirable” and others written all over me. Even while we were together he hurt me, but that didn’t matter because I saw through him and forgave him. I knew he was human and made mistakes. Why can’t he see that I’m human and I made mistakes as well? I know my daddy is in there somewhere. I know he’ll come back to me in time, but I won’t ever stop loving him. I’m very hopeful that by going to Colorado for a few months (just waiting on references) and being away will give him the space, and that distance will really make the heart grow fonder. Colorado makes me happy, or at least it did before he came into my life. I won’t give up until he loves me back because I know that we have so much potential. I know that he’s my only love, and that I was once his, and that I can be again. I know it in my heart.

I love you so much daddy, and I promise that I’ll never again hurt you and that I’ll do anything I can to make you happy, even if that means I disappear. I promise that it’ll only be better and that we’ll have our happily ever after. I promise that it’s all about you now, and I’ll never be able to let you out of my heart. So all I can do is wait and not give up hope “till you love me.” Again.

Here I am again. More heartbroken than before.

I guess this has become my safe space to write. Last time I was going through this pain, I never imagined that the next one would be so much more painful. I look back on the posts of us first meeting. You were hot, you were hilarious, but you just weren’t the one I loved. At the time. You could never be him in my eyes. You became something so much more. You were the first true love of my life. You were the first one to ever love me back. You saw my darkest times, you knew what I went through in the past wasn’t going to make this an easy relationship. You were the one who showed interest first. When I was crying over the relationship before you, you’re the one who held me and asked if I could give you my heart and if I could focus on you. You held me and told me that you were there. I eventually let him go, but not completely. I could focus on you, and in time I came to really fall for you. I remember how protective of me you were. I always had to text you to let you know I made it home safe. You were always asking when I could come over and be with you. I remember when you first asked me if I loved you. I told you I did. You told me you didn’t love me yet, but you were getting there. I remember when you did tell me that you did love me. I was crying, you told me “everything is going to be alright. You know why? Because I love my babygirl too.” I think I just about died right there in your arms of happiness. He was completely gone from my heart and my mind. We had some rough patches, and it ultimately led to trust issues on my end, and depression. You don’t know how much it hurt and that the reason I was crying and so scared of leaving each time was that I was so scared you were going to see somebody else and that you would just not want me anymore. Ultimately it became a habit, and I just craved that attention so much because I didn’t feel it as much as I did in the beginning. You were my first in so many things. First one I brought home for thanksgiving and christmas, first one I got a card picture with, and your sisters wedding. I knew on that day that I wanted to someday marry you. Only problem is that you were very much against it. I had a hard time accepting it. It led to more depression, and I could see that it was also affecting you, so I got help. I saw a therapist, I eventually got admitted to a psych hospital so I could get started on some anti depressants, and you were there with me every step of the way. You came to visit me every single day to let me know how proud of me you were and that it was all going to be ok. It was a fresh start.

I’ll never in a million years forgive myself for ruining that fresh start. I thought we were getting so much better. You said that you did want to marry me and live together. You gave me a promise ring and told me to start planning in a few months. I couldn’t control my emotions, and even though I had underlying causes for that and an explanation of all the crying spells, I can still never forgive myself. I brokedown for a breif few days when I told you I wanted kids and you didn’t. I accepted that we wouldn’t, and that it was only a phase. As long as we had forever together, I would be happy. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know what happened, and I wish so much that I could know, so I could fix it. I wish it never had to end the way it did. I remember when your family became too overwhelming for me, I was crying and telling you I couldn’t do it anymore. You, the guy who never cries, had tears streaming down your face. I’m sorry for hurting you so much. I know my depression ultimately led to your depressed state to where you can no longer love me. I know our time spent together was filled with memories of depression and a few suicide threats, but I genuinely promise you with all my heart that I was getting so much better. I felt pure happiness and no longer felt the cloud of depression the days before you first broke up with me over text. That was a pain like no other. You gave me another chance and because I came close to a fatal brain injury, it caused you to lose any love you had left for me because of some bad choices. Ultimately, we decided to try again and you just texted me the 3rd breakup, the day after I found out that we were going to have a baby. We were both scared shitless. I was scared because I knew you would be furious with me. We ultimately sat down and talked. You said you would be there for me through it all and that in time you would fall in love with me again. I thought I had a miscarriage, I said I needed you. I was greiving very heavily. You told me dungeons and dragons was more important, and that was the worst feeling in the world. I’ve been beat by a guy that resulted in a miscarriage, and this was still far more painful. I had never felt so alone, I felt like I lost everything and that you weren’t keeping your word. I did get a little on the dark side, but I just wish you understood what was going on in my world and in my heart in that moment. I never meant goodbye as in ending my life. I meant goodbye as in I felt you no longer cared for me and that I didn’t even have our child anymore, so you would want nothing to do with me.

Fortunately, I didn’t have a miscarriage. I’m still having your demon spawn that is keeping me sick all day everyday, and the only reason you still talk to me is because of it. I’m still scared. I still need you more and more everyday. You say you’ve moved on, but I just don’t understand how you can claim to love someone and then suddenly decide that they’re the most worthless thing in the world to you. You told me that if I couldn’t make it to term, you’re still done with me. You’ve become so cold and so heartless and I’m crying myself to sleep nearly every night remembering how much you used to love me and protect me. I can’t even have a hug from you anymore.

I’d give anything to be back in your arms hearing how much daddy loves me, sleeping next to you again and laughing at you talking about 100 chickens in your sleep, cuddling up and watching whatever show we were binge watching, or watching you play your games and just dozing off in daddy’s arms, having you bite me in the heat of our moments and being able to see the bruises and knowing I’m only yours, looking at the future and having a reason to to be happy knowing that I’d be with you forever. I’d give anything in the world. I’d invent a time machine and go back and let you know how lucky and loved I felt instead of being so sad all the time. I’d give anything to be back in New Braunfels together. Just the two of us, escaping from the world back home and having some much needed quality “us” time. I’d give anything to be back around your family hearing how perfect we are together and beaming from ear to ear knowing that I hit the jackpot with you. I’d give anything for those goodnight and I love you texts when we weren’t spending the night together. If I had another chance, I would make sure you were the happiest person in the world. I would never let you down again. I would have 0 reasons to be depressed because I would have the only love of my life back. I would only make it better for you, I would focus only on you and be happy doing so. I’d buy you all the things in the world and more because I know how happy it makes you. The only reason I ask for the switch back is because I’ve lost everything, and that unfortunately means the job I loved so much as well. I’m very broke and down on my luck, trying to get back up again. It’s hard to do without you. I need you, I love you, and I care about you more than you’ll ever know. I just wish you could in time feel the same way again. I would never again let you down if you did. I’d be far too happy, with or without the kid. My heart is beyond shattered without you. You always told me that we’ll be ok. You used to tell me that I was your world, that you loved me more than I’ll ever know, that you’ll never stop loving me. I would do ANYTHING to hear those words again. Anything...

You were the most amazing daddy and ultimately love of my life that one could ever ask for. We had some falling outs, we both made some mistakes, but I was able to forgive you because the love I had for you outweighed anything. You always knew how to make me laugh, how to calm me down, how to love and protect me. If there was even the slightest hope of you being able to find it in your heart again, I would be happy always and forever and I would NEVER again think of hurting myself or you. With you, I had all the happiness in the world. Still, I’m going to continue to make you happy and hope that you’ll be able to let me back into your heart and remember what we had, and only know that it’s going to get better and stronger. What’s a year of rocky paths compared to a lifetime of love, strength, trust and happiness? I’m still holding onto that hope. I’m still holding onto that ring. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest thing to do, but I only do it because I see so much potential in our future. We were unstoppable, it was us against the world, we were living a fairy tale, and we can still have that happy ending together. You’re always going to be in my heart and I’ll long to be in yours probably my whole life.

Your daughter loves you too. She actually let me eat tonight. She knows how sad mommy is about daddy, she’s tried to get away a few times and I couldn’t bear it if I lost her too. You’ll never even see this, so I don’t think you’ll feel guilt. But she feels it. Small as she may be, she feels the stress, the resentment, and the hatred. I let her know tonight that it might just be me and her, but that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her. That she’s very much wanted and that she will be so loved, even if it’s just by me. She felt relief and she let me eat for the first time in nearly a week. I’m scared to even talk to you anymore, but I keep thinking of the name Desiree. Look at the first part of it, it’s your alter ego. I looked up the meaning of the name, and it means “so long hoped for.” I’d say it’s pretty fitting.

She needs you, but I need you more. It’s almost 7 in the morning and I’ve been up crying, looking at pictures and texts, reflecting on what we had, and just missing you more than words could ever say. I could be over emotional because my computer crashed and I just don’t think I can handle losing anything else. I’d give up so much, I would probably no longer even feel the depression, and I’d be the happiest person in the world if I could just hear those words again and go back to those times. I love you always and forever daddy </3

-Your babygirl who very much needs to be in daddy’s heart again.

I remember the exact moment I knew you were the one, and that my heart belonged to you and you only. I fell in love with you easily, it took a little longer for you to fall in love with me, but when you did, we were so happy and in love. It was your sister’s wedding day. At the time I knew I was in love with you, but I also had another on my mind and in my heart. You looked so fucking hot and gorgeous in your tux. I saw you shedding some tears when your sister was saying her vows. I thought maybe you did have some emotion after all. I was sitting in the reception hall waiting for y’all to be done with pictures, wondering if I would have that day with you. Wondering how amazing you would look. This song came on, and I looked outside in the cold December drizzle. The whole party was walking in formation to the reception hall. I looked at you and you didn’t see me, but I knew then in that moment that nobody else mattered. I wanted to spend my life with only you. At the time you were very anti marriage. After a few more months, you told me that you wanted to marry me because you loved me and wanted to spend your life with me too, and that nobody else mattered. And now we’re back at square 1.

You stood by me through some very dark times, and I took it too far and caused you some heartache. I craved all your attention, I didn’t know how to love myself, and all I wanted was for you to love and care for me. You did, but it eventually led to your mental health collapsing. I wish I could take back everything and go back to the way we used to be, only no more pain and fighting. Though I had some swelling on my brain causing me to act in ways that you thought were me just over reacting and letting my depression get the best of me, I still wish I could take it all back. The past few weeks have been some of the absolute hardest of my life. I lost the most important person in my life. Though you agreed to give us another chance, it’s just not the same. You say you can’t love me anymore and that you don’t know how long it’ll take for you to feel that love for me again if at all. You’re in a dark place, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy and come back to me. A month ago we had a plan to live together and that you would pop the question after school next year. I can only hope that this bump in the road will make us stronger than ever and love each other unconditionally and lead us back to getting married and truly spending our lives together. I love you with all of my heart.

Together one year. My love, my better half, and the one who has my heart <3 Isn’t he gorgeous??? (Me not so much, I just really love this one of him)

I’m never going to be good enough for anyone to truly love. I thought he loved me, but he is still looking for side girls to “explore” with while telling me I need to go home bc he has an interview in the morning. Maybe it is me, maybe I need to change something about myself. I just don’t know anymore :(

It’s an awesome feeling

7 months after meeting, last night he told me he loved me :) He saw that I was overwhelmed to tears and even though I didn’t want to talk, he just paused the movie, pulled me into his chest and told me to look at him. He wiped my tears away, kissed me and said “I love you baby girl. You make me so happy.” It made me cry more, happy tears I guess, and he told me “please stop the tears, I’ve got you now, you’re ok.” <3 <3 I love him and he makes me happy too. I’ve never loved someone that actually loved me back.

#personal

When your dad meets your boyfriend for the first time, and tells him "she can really be an air head. Better get used to it." Thanks dad...

Got to see the fireworks with my boyfriend, Love him! <3

#happy 4th of july #personal

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. Being in love hurts way too much when you don’t love me the same. You’re everything to me, you were only supposed to be a distraction from him. You’re all I can think about, I wish you knew that the reason I cry in your arms is because you don’t feel the same for me. It doesn’t help when I tell you that it’s only depression causing the tears, and you hold me tighter and kiss me, telling me I’m going to be ok, that you’re there with me and you won’t let anything happen to me, and calling me your baby girl, and wiping away my tears, then making me look you in the eyes just so you can reassure me and give me the biggest hug in the world. I never want to lose you, I want you to love me back so much, it hurts.

plumbobbunnyy-deactivated201608

Reblog if your blog is safe for the LGBTQIA community.

pearlsasinger-deactivated202602

s/o to every closeted person hearing about the pulse shooting who has to act normal and unconcerned so as not too act ‘suspiciously upset’ I see you & I understand

I was perfectly fucking fine 2 days ago. I’m so happy that you contacted me and apologized, but I wish you hadn’t. I was happy to be back in your arms again, I was happy to be in the familiar place of your room. I was happy that we got caught up in the heat of the moment. But not even a day later, and you tell me it was a mistake and that we shouldn’t do it. Thanks for putting my heart in a blender yet again.

#personal

rainbowfart123

“What do you do for a living”

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