Dan

[danthebariman]

Friend calls

Me: (mumbling over psych homework) Symptoms, blah blah blah, two weeks, blah blah blah.

Rayna: PReGNacY!??!!

Me: No, Depression.

@xxcelestialkittyxx

[danthebariman]

I just sat in the middle of my living room on the floor for 20 minutes before realizing, “Hey, there’s a couch that I can sit on.” And continued to sit on the floor for 20 more minutes. What does this mean?

[danthebariman]

If I went to Therapy:

Therapist: So, what do we say when life gets tough?

Me: It do be like that sometimes.

Therapist: No.

[danthebariman]

A Mistake

There are three types of people when...

Band Director: Okay guys, pick your favourite note and play this rhythm.

Type 1: *Picks an ungodly high note or a super low note.* *there is no in between*

Type 2: *Plays a weird enharmonic note like Eb or G#*

Type 3: *Plays a concert Bb*

All Together: *CRONCHY MESS OF A CHORD!*

[danthebariman]

Homophobia Analogy

Being a homophobe against gay marriage is like being lactose intolerant and not letting others consume dairy.

[danthebariman]

Shit My Dad Says

My dad just bought a National Geographic magazine about Jesus and he didn’t look at the price until he got home.

My Dad: Jesus cost me $17.95!

[danthebariman]

Best Friend Calls

Me and Michayla: *Talking about music*

Me: I can play the ukulele, I can play the saxophone...

Michayla: *Yells* NOO!

[danthebariman]

Best Friend Calls

Michayla: Love yourself.

Me: What’s there to love in me?

Michayla: Your intestines.

[danthebariman]

Evi: Je voudrais me connecter à internet.

Me (Who doesn’t know much French): Anana

[danthebariman]

Calling and then Randomly Speaking French.

Me: Au fromage.

Evi: Qu'en est-il?

Me: Blanc

[danthebariman]

Nobody:

My “innocent” Friend: OwO the Kinky.

[danthebariman]

Best Friend calls

Michayla: Oops, that was actually a decent scribble.

Me: oops, my art was good

[danthebariman]

Best Friend Calls

Me: I’m going to miss the dog.

Michayla: Then steal it.

Me: So I just walk in and go, “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Michayla’s mom. I’m stealing your dog now.”

[danthebariman]

Best Friend Calls

Michayla: This guy doesn’t have eyelashes.

Me: Sometimes I don’t want eyelashes because they get in the way.

Michayla: *Dies laughing*

[danthebariman]

Everything looks like a watermelon if you believe hard enough.

[danthebariman]

Best Friend FaceTime part 2

Friend M: I feel like that only belongs on animals.

Me: Humans are animals.

Friend M: I mean the ones with eight legs.

[danthebariman]

FaceTime with best friends.

Us: Talking about random shit.

My friend Rayna: Let’s spike the clear Kool-Aid.