I want to see every frame of their last glance clearly.
It has been a long time since I last wrote, so my expression might be a bit muddled. I am trying to get over this, and I apologize for bringing up something so sad.
A month ago, I spent the Mid-Autumn Festival alone in my school dormitory. I made a point of going outside and saw the full moon hanging high in the sky. At that moment, the lines that loop repeatedly in Ryuichi Sakamoto’s 《Fullmoon》 came to my mind.
“Because we don't know when we will die,
we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well.
And yet everything happens only a certain number of times,
and a very small number really.
How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood,
some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it?
Perhaps four,or five times more?Perhaps not even that.
How many more times will you watch the full moon rise?
Perhaps twenty.And yet it all seems limitless...”
I opened the movie and started taking screenshots, eager to see clearly what kind of expression Hux had as he looked at Phasma—it seemed like he was angry, yet also as if he was smiling.
To Hux at that time, this might have been just an unremarkable moment in his and Phasma’s lives. Though they had suffered a great loss, they still had each other at the very least, and everything was supposedly getting better. He trusted Phasma’s abilities, so he walked away easily, as if he thought Phasma would come to his side in a few minutes to report that everything had been handled properly. He believed they would keep going together, side by side. He could never have dared to imagine that this would be their last time seeing each other... Phasma left him forever just like that, and from then on, he lost the only companion who would never look down on him—his weapon, his reliance.
In the year that followed, during every moment when he was beaten, frustrated, and subjected to contempt and bullying, did he ever think that he would have been better off staying right by Phasma’s side, watching her, and finally facing the sea of fire together with her?
The full moon vanished behind the dark clouds.