i dont think that sam has really ever looked outside of himself fully at the way that they grew up like. i love sam a lot but hes got the privilege of being angry for himself and being selfish, and i genuinely think that means he has never fully understood what dean did for him as a kid? like. dean has never had the privilege of being selfish or of making his own choices even as a kid, he was the one who raised sam and kept him safe and fed and tried to protect him from the scary truth of the world and from the monsters that he knew were real. he shouldered the dual burden of parent and brother, he bore the brunt of john’s expectations and anger for sam. dean always chasing john’s approval, trying to be the perfect hunter son - it wasn’t just for him, for his need for validation. dean created the environment which allowed sam to be selfish, because sam was protected from the responsibility of both john’s expectations and of the quotidian things that dean took care of like getting them food and keeping them safe when john wasnt around. sam grew up with the privilege of thinking beyond the lifestyle he knew and thinking on behalf of himself, of his own wants, only because dean shouldered the weight of their childhood and created a bubble that allowed for that privilege. and i dont know if sam has ever had to question where he gained the privilege of selfishness from, how he managed to ever get out and think for himself, but it’s all because dean fought to create that for him
#god this is really it like i know i come across like i hate sam with no nuance but that’s really not it#i just find that the show builds him up SO interestingly in the beginning then completely drops him as a character once they all realized#jarpad can’t act#anyways that’s my disclaimer love you op you have the biggest brain#but SO much of dean and sam’s constant tension comes from this#dean gave up his entire life so that sam would have the ability to be selfish#and then had to spend much of his adulthood realizing that bc he was able to care for sam so well#sam has no problem being selfish (which was what dean intended) and turning that selfishness against dean (not intended)#it’s also the bel rowley quote /i could never live so lightly it all means too much to me/#dean resents sam for never looking inwards and recognizing that sam only gets to live in a bubble#bc of everything that dean sacrificed#which isn’t sam’s fault but it’s like#dean loves and hates that he did right by sam#because sam being selfish means that dean won and he was a better father than his father#but it also leaves him completely alone in his sacrifice and his martyrdom#when you give up your life so someone else can live and they don’t even realize what you’ve done…. it’s a victory but it hurts#dean only ever wanted sam to be able to chose for himself and see a life beyond it all but sam doesn’t realize that he can only be the#Intellectual one and the Enlightened one and the one who asks Don’t You Know There’s More Than This bc dean doesn’t#sam sees outside their situation and their life by standing on dean’s#shoulders… but he just thinks he’s taller than dean (tags from @deanofcas)
