It’s silly how all this has played out. It was just supposed to be a simple job. A favor for Farah. Go, help a scholarly voyage, get to know the ways of my ancestors. My family that I’d been deprived the influence of, due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control. Perhaps Farah saw it as a way to apologize to me. For the hardships of my upbringing in a place she scarcely considered home. But I often say the Spinner has a habit of interfering in my life. I look at my mother now, and see her running the network she does. I wonder if she’d go home if she was relieved of those obligations. Perhaps it’s been too long now. Perhaps it’s too late.
I’m not good at being an Ahsan. I’ve never been good at tradition. I found trust in Nathaniel, but now I have no idea what he thinks of me. I worry that I disappoint him, even now when all he seems to express is pure sense of duty. The thought that I was ultimately a letdown to him hits harder than I expect. Who knows what he truly thinks. My own worries remain unvoiced, and I’ll keep them that way.
At the very least, I’ve stayed useful to some. In ways I didn’t expect would happen again. It seems like a lifetime ago, I was taking fledgling knights under my wing, and now here I am, doing it again. If I can just impart the ideals of love, then I’ll have done better for them, then was done for me. We’ll see if what I say sticks. For everyone’s sake.
All this work, all this pain, all the loss and conflict and bitterness between factions I’ve barely any context for. At least I’m well practiced at processing tragedy. If nothing else, I can be a pillar for others. Service is the nature of what I am, isn’t it?
I’ve changed, and I’m realizing I’m not sure how. I look at myself and see someone different. My hair is longer, my dress is different, I carry myself more softly. Maybe She has taken a greater hold of me. She affects my tone more often now than she ever did. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I can’t blame everything on Her.
Things are coming to a close. You can always feel when a chapter is about to end. There’s just something in the air. But I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire, now. More than when I started. Taking care of Reinette, looking after Lune, trying to uplift Hikari. It’s nice to feel useful but I just hope I’m useful in the right way. In the way they need. In a way that matters beyond platitudes and pep talks.
I feel stronger than I ever have before. Bolstered by the love of people I’ve grown close to. But that love is a double edged sword. Though it gives me the strength to persevere, I have always lived with the fear that I will outlast those I devote myself to.
I think back to that first leap off the cliff. The sensation of the sudden stop. The despair at realizing I was able to rise again. For years, I’ve regretted that it didn’t end there. But I think, with all the work that’s been done in the last few moons, I’m realizing amid all the worries, all the fears, that I’m glad I’m here.
