We all have a past, some more prettier than others.
Mine is ugly and I know.
I’ve been raped when I was 7 years old, same thing happened when I was 11. From then everything changed. Who I was, how I saw the world.
I created anxiety over the past years. Being a victim off child abuse gives you an other look about life. First time it happened I thought it was something normal, how to express your love for someone. I never told anyone about it because he said it was our little secret. At the age off 11 he penetrated me. At that age I began to understand what he was doing. He drugged me and raped me like I was no one. Like I was an object and not his grandchild.
I never told anyone, till my 15th birthday. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I used to be a happy kid who loved to play outside. At that age I locked myself up, went silent. I had suicidal thoughts.
When I turned 16 I met a whole new group off friends. We went out to raves and experimented with drugs, that’s when I came an drug addict. It started with some innocent joints. Months later I took my first xtc pill, lsd, ketamine, cocaïne, speed, paddo’s, truffles. I did a lot.
In those few years I was a whole other person. Started fights over nothing, I even almost killed someone. I didn’t recognize me anymore. At the age off 19-20 I got caught by my folks. Mom kicked me out off the house and my dad said ‘ you’re not my daughter anymore’. I got clean again, took me a lot off time, pain, tears etc. But I made it.. eventually.
After months I fell for someone who I already knew was bad for me but never in my life before I had someone who loved me truly. He made a videotape off me while I was naked and leaked it out to all off his friends. So years later someone confronted me with it. I can tell y’all. It was like my whole world was falling apart, knowing the whole world could see my naked body.. it killed me inside. I dragged him for court, which is still going on. At the age of 21 I met someone different than all the others I had been with. He was sweet, cared for me, taught me love could be different.. So I moved in with him real fast. The first year we were a dream. Although that’s what everyone told me. Nothing is what it seems.
“ Behind de scenes” he slapped me, yelled at me.. till the day he knew I was pregnant.. That’s the day he turned into a beast. He dragged me down the stairs, he kicked me.. He kicked my child. When I finally had the strenght to get up all I could see was blood.. Blood that came out off me.. Blood that used to keep my child safe. But there was no child anymore. I had a miscarriage. That’s when a part off me died. A part off me I’ll never be again. No one knew. I faced everything alone because I was afraid off my own life. He already took my baby’s life away. That’s when I got depressed. I tried to end my own life last summer because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stopped eating so I lost a lot off weight. In September he messed with my breaks. I couldn’t stop for the person who was driving ahead of me. We’re December now and I still can’t work.
I have a paralyzed feeling in my right leg. Death threats and everything..
Last month I met someone who changed everything, literally. For the first time every I experienced real love. Someone I’d do anything for. I’d go through fire If I need to. I’d go through hell. So... time will tell how this will end but one thing’s for sure.
snowghoul
vaporwave
gracieabrams
2087
areudirty
andulkaphoto
blakekathryn
