Dark but Hopeful

A space to share my thoughts without consequence. Topics include: mental health/illness, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, suicide, self harm, substance use/abuse, love, sex, motherhood and more. I write about my pain but also about my hope for a better life.

[darkbuthopeful]

Don't you dare fucking cry at my funeral

U abandoned me when I needed someone You left me with no one You heard my screams for help and did nothing I pleaded not to be left alone I said how unsafe I felt It was like you would expect more considering how fucking my life is You tell me about looking up how to kill yourself on google Would you like to tie my noose for me? And best friend, kindred spirit, the one who cried for my loss. You're some actor. You fooled me completely. Take my money forever grateful and disappear. You don't get to cry either. Offering me drugs when I'm trying to quit And the one who will cry the most yet is the most undeserving is you who repeatedly handed me needles when I was pregnant so you could control me Know one does that to someone they love I will never forgive myself for what you encouraged me to do. I have to live with that till I die Which if there were mercy in this world would be soon But don't you dare cry when I'm dead!

[darkbuthopeful]

[darkbuthopeful]

Child Services Have Ruined My Life

I'm finally ready to explain.... Child services took my daughter out of my care. Sorry it’s hard to get the word out. I had her for 2 wks. She’s in my parents custody ATM. I see her as much as I can but lately I’ve been so sick because of the stress of it all I have missed out on seeing her a lot. I have a history of substance abuse and mental health issues. There were notifications made and now they won’t allow her to be in my care until I can prove myself fit. Fucked thing is I gave up drugs 9mths b4 I got pregnant. I Turned my whole life around. What’s even more fucked is that one of the notifications came from a member of a mental health advocacy group I created and run myself (all voluntary) with near 4,000 members from all over the world, this person stated concern about my mental health with regard to my care of my daughter. I’m a fucking shell. Because I spoke honestly that being a single mum can be trying and vented my frustration, My honestly cost me my child. Despite the fact that I was no doubt voicing the fears all new mothers have, I have paid the ultimate price for my candour. I put my heart and soul into that group. I gave it every inch of me. The hours I’ve spent supporting others and finding specific information for people, I couldn’t count them. It was a labour of love. This has put everything into perspective for me. Nothing matters to me anymore but her. So child services have made a disaster of the case also. It is a living nightmare it really does just keep getting worse. What else is fucked is that I am now the emotional wreck they accused me of being when they took her. I was doing great. And what they have done has just destroyed every fibre of my being. I have gone down every legal avenue and exhausted all options but im at the mercy of child services. I was just told by my lawyer the other day that basically CS are not accountable to anyone as Magistrates currently believe that it’s not their role to intervene on CS decisions! They want my daughter and I to undergo a 10 stay at a facility where they monitor my parenting ability 24/7 b4 she can come home. And they keep telling me I’m nx in line to go in wk after wk. And it never happens. I can see her as much as I want supervised by my parents. But it’s so fucking bitter sweet. As everytime I say goodbye to her it kills me. They took what was so sacred to me- my group which is now monitored by CS and ruined it. I can’t even use it as my outlet anymore and I am watching everything I say on there. If not for them I would b paranoid of another notification from a group member. It really meant something to me: being honest about my feelings on the group site, encouraging others not to be ashamed of their feelings and to voice them good bad or otherwise. It was my goal to lead by example and it’s all blown up in my face. I feel so wronged. It’s just so unjust. I feel robbed of this precious time with my daughter who is now 4mths old (bawling my eyes out). I have done everything CS have asked of me and still am. Iv done drug screens for them. I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist wkly for them. Iv had the paediatrician contact them and say he believe it to be in both our best interests to be reunited. I have attempted every legal avenue. But I am totally at their mercy. The little things are the ones that break my heart; The fact her bassinet barely got used at my plc and now she’s in a cot, Walking past her empty nursery, not choosing her clothes, being TOLD about my own daughter by my parents (who mean the very best I assure you) but hearing she likes this and that now just sucks, not being there for her first smile…. I’ve been contacted by all my friends asking to come and see her or have play dates etc and I’ve ignored them! I’m too ashamed to tell them what has happened. So who knows what they think. The only way I get through is by distracting myself all the time. I barely eat or sleep. I cry all the time. My health has gone to shit. I pick at my body when I’m stressed and if u could see my body now u would cry. There are crater size infected holes all over my body. But I can’t let CS see this as it’s a sign I’m not coping when they are the FUCKING REASON IM NOT COPING!!!!! I’m so exhausted and stressed and sick and sad. I can’t even get out of bed. My eyes sting frm too many tears and I just want to die. I won’t do that to my daughter. She is the ONLY thing keeping me on this earth. So I’m stuck in this hell and wake each day to this nightmare that never ends. CS have stopped taking my calls or returning my msgs for over a week now. I honestly don’t know what to do. I thought I knew what pain was…. I was so very wrong

[darkbuthopeful]

Stress & Sickness

I have a way to go. Things r most likely going to get worse b4 they get better. I just have to find some way to ride it out as the situation cannot last forever. I guess that’s what I have to hold onto. It’s just a matter of time and I have to ride it out. And hope that my body doesn’t give up on me in the mean time. God it is amazing what stress does to your body! I have never been so consistently unwell in my whole life. I’ve had migraines, gastro, currently tonsillitis.. Panic attacks, anxiety, such hypervigelence: the tiniest noise and I jump out of my skin. The anxiety gives me chronic diarrhoea and makes me feel constantly nauseous so eating is a chore when it’s even possible. I have picked at my whole body (a response I have to stress) and have crater like holes all over me. If you could see my naked body and what I’ve done to it from picking it would honestly bring you to tears. It brings me to tears.

[darkbuthopeful]

Tear After Tear

I’m certainly too fragile to rehash the whole nightmare right now. It hurts too much. I am hanging in there. I kind of have to. No escape for this little black duck. The repercussions are too unfair and unforgivable. So I’m stuck. Weathering the storm. I hope I can hold on to this attitude as the temptation to escape this pain is overwhelming. So it’s just breathe and repeat ATM. Minute by minute. Tear after tear. Day after day.

[darkbuthopeful]

A Wish to be Silently Comforted

I’m so completely soul destroyed. It’s just indescribable. I don’t know what else to say. I’m so exhausted from the roller coaster of the joy and then the goodbyes. There’s just no words and I just could never have imagined my life as it currently is. I’ve known pain, well I thought I did but I knew nothing. This kind of thing puts things into perspective. The other day some woman had a go at me over something so ridiculous and insignificant on one of the FB shopping groups and I responded to her: really?! If that is the greatest concern in your life ATM and if you can put the time and energy into something so trivial I envy you as you are one of the lucky ones. I don’t know what to do with myself because nothing helps. Connecting with ppl helps a little as long as they don’t suggest stupid ways that are supposed to alleviate my pain and make it all better and as long as I don’t have to discuss the situation. You know sometimes you just want to hear: I don’t know what to say, I know there’s nothing I can do to make it better, I cannot imagine how bad you’re feeling right now but I’m here and am willing to be with you even in silence just so you feel you’re not alone.

[darkbuthopeful]

Hanging On

I don’t know how long I can hang on for. I have a personal issue that I haven’t and am still not ready/able to talk to the group about. It’s too painful. I distract myself as much as I can. I come across as miss optimism plus but the truth is I’m rotting from the inside out. The stress has ruined me physically and it’s a minor miracle I have made it this far with the emotional turmoil I am in. I am in a nightmare day after day and I never wake up. I am alone as usual, my whole body aches from my most recent illness and nothing matters anymore. The description of pain has no relevance to me anymore, I’m far beyond that. I was existing. Then I was trying not to die. Now I just don’t care. If there is something beyond the here and now I need ur help cause I’m at the edge of the cliff leaning forward.

[darkbuthopeful]

As I lay me down

As I drug myself to sleep I pray I die whilst in my sleep Please take me now before I wake As the pain this soul can no longer take

[darkbuthopeful]

Hope is dead y aren't i?

[darkbuthopeful]

I want to die

[darkbuthopeful]

Today was all sorts of chapters closing and new possibilities. Feeling at peace with my spirit today and divinely guided by guardian angels :)

[darkbuthopeful]

[darkbuthopeful]

I want to die

It consumes my every thought of every day.

I cry all the time.

I have no one.

All I can think about is my baby girl. I miss her.

I am so completely broken.

I am not safe.

Will this be the last thing I ever right?

I am not strong enough for this world.

[darkbuthopeful]

I’m so incredibly sad and so totally alone.

[darkbuthopeful]

I'm just so broken

I don’t know how to do this. I’m just completely broken and I don’t know how to fix myself. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared the next time won’t be an attempt. It will be permanent. I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want to upset my parents. My bf just dumped me and my gf… There’s nothing she can do to fix things and she can’t be there for me with her 3 kids and partner. I could explain further as to why I can’t speak to my psychiatrist and psychologist about how I’m feeling but I can’t tell that story right now. It’s too much to bear. WHY??????!!!!!!!!

Why is this happening to me? Why does it keep getting worse? Please just make the pain stop. It’s too much. I’m not guna make it. Please

[darkbuthopeful]

[darkbuthopeful]