comprehensive list of how ofmd characters would fare if tasked with destroying the ring of power in the fires of mount doom
would be immediately corrupted by the ring:
would use the ring for evil and/or chaos for fun:
calico jack (and it would get Weird(tm) )
spanish jackie (jackie loves her some eternal power over all living creatures in middle earth)
roach (love the guy, but the chaos would be too enticing)
anne bonnie and mary read (sometimes you gotta spice things up. god forbid women do anything amirite)
evelyn higgs (god forbid women do anything x2)
pre-stede, peak blackbeard era ed (his heart wouldn't really be into it, but it would be expected of him, and he'd do it for the image more than anything else)
would make an attempt to get to mordor but wouldn't make it:
pirate queen zheng (has too much power already, she'd pull a boromir, or more likely, pull an aragorn and accept that she can't be the one to take it, and instead would take down saruman and lead the battle outside the black gate)
ivan (has good intentions, but is too much of a traditional pirate and would inevitably get corrupted)
the swede (he would give it the ol' college try, but would get lost, and fall into the dead marshes, or get stepped on by a tree ent or something)
ed and stede (they would try, but would 10000% lose the plot, probably as early as rivendell when they start dicking around dressing up as elves and pretending to be elven royalty, and then, through a series of wacky misadventures, would somehow end up opening an inn in the shire and being completely unaware of the fact that all the hobbits really don't love having men living among them, but they sell cheap drinks and good food, and that's all hobbits really care about so they let them stay)
wouldn't go to mordor in the first place:
lucius (um, that sounds like a LOT of walking, and he has much better things to do)
pete (would volunteer, but it would be unanimously decided that "maybe you should sit this one out, bud")
wee john (the ring is too basic and tacky and wouldn't go with his Look(tm), and also he'd prefer to stick to what he's good at: napping, sewing, and arson)
archie (would be prepared to go, but the second she gets her hands on it, she would start using it as a party trick like, "lol, look guys, i'm invisible!" and then would inevitably get murdered by ring wraiths)
could go to mordor and destroy the ring, but wouldn't:
auntie (she could definitely destroy the ring, but she's too busy making sure the red flag stays afloat, and keeping the pirate navy in check--she doesn't have time for petty concerns like "the fight between good and evil")
buttons (mad galadriel energy--would be able to refuse the ring, and this would then elevate him to the next phase of his transformation into an all-knowing, all-powerful being, who is also probably a bird)
would make it to mordor but wouldn't destroy the ring:
frenchie (he gets to the fires of mount doom only to realize he dropped the ring somewhere along the way and has no idea where it is)
mary (could make it to mordor, but the feeling of power for the first time in her life after years of being subservient in a shitty society would make the allure too strong in the end)
jim (would probably become corrupted if they were the one carrying it, but could 10000% act as a cutthroat body guard throughout the trek)
would make it mordor and would be able to destroy the ring:
oluwande (the purest of heart, perfect cinnamon roll, too pure, doesn't know how to pronounce "china"--he would never become corrupted)
doug (he would be the sam to mary's frodo, but in a very casual chill way, like "oh, you're being corrupted? no worries, babe, i got it")
my assessment is perfect and correct, but feel free to add your thoughts if you think i'm wrong (but i'm not)
dededos
jacobvanloon
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
titsay
izzy806
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
