Friday October 17th, 2025
Today I learned just how loved I am, by everyone.
The sun is out. My light is fighting against darkness. But I still shine.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. 🌻
i don't do bad sauce passes
One Nice Bug Per Day
Monterey Bay Aquarium
hello vonnie
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sheepfilms

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

blake kathryn

if i look back, i am lost
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2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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Xuebing Du

izzy's playlists!
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@darkroastnotes
Friday October 17th, 2025
Today I learned just how loved I am, by everyone.
The sun is out. My light is fighting against darkness. But I still shine.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. 🌻
Wednesday October 15th, 2025
I'm feeling tired and manic and overcaffeinated. Trying not to pour all my thoughts and attention into any man or interesred party right now. Noticing patterns I have that I hadn't noticed before. I don't like it. Being so aware of my flaws, I mean. It's good. The growth is good. Ew. But it feels bad. Not all the time though.
Observing how uncomfortable I am these days, it's crazy I've been so comtortable for so long. So frozen, my feet in my own grave.
I feel wild and alive...Barely surviving each day with a sound mind, don't get me wrong.
But yeah. I feel alive. Music is my touchstone.
Saturday October 11th, 2025
I'm having a hard time staying grounded. Music and writing is the only thing that helps. Besides my friends -God, where would I be without the music scene and my friends in this city... I'm going to a death metal show tonight. Metal shows are the only place I feel present and in my body these days. Time to shake it out, cry it out, rock it out.
Thursday October 9th, 2025
It's 3:15 in the fucking morning. I was going to have one beer at the brighton after an emotional talk with Him, but I ended up drunk and overfriendly until they kicked us out of the bar. Oops.
October 6th, 2025
EVERYONE IS HURTING. EVERYONE IS BREAKING UP. EVERYTHING IS CHANGING.
The moon was wide, wide, like the eye of the universe this morning in my horrible haze. Moon, oppressively in charge. Every movement I make triggers a visceral emotional response. This is loss. This is pain. This is the grief that everyone talked about... It's transformation. Shedding my old, dead form to emerge as a butterfly someday, maybe not soon, but someday.
April 16th, 2025
I had been slogging trying to land a new job. After endless applications and the occasional interview here and there, I finally did it.
I think a guardian angel really came to me today. I felt a profound sense of ease. That everything was going to work out. An older indigenous man told me my aura was orange and that I was blessed.
My interview took five minutes and I got the job promptly after.
All of last year had unwound me. Being jobless here or stuck in a life sucking job there... I learned a lot of important lessons the hard way, over and over again. I am thrilled and humbled to finally find work that is reliable, secure, and dignified.
I'm over the moon. Simply put, today was beautiful and the sun gave me life. I'm so fortunate. This is the beginning of a new chapter and I can't wait for what's in store.
March 15th, 2025
My band just played the best set to date. The energy tonight was amazing. I gave it 100%. I'm so thankful to have performed tonight. Fucking crushed it.
December 12th, 2024
Just got off work late. Oh shit I gotta go to Mexico in three hours. This year tested me. Being twenty-seven is as wild as they say.
August 10th, 2024
I'm still in shock. I'm trembling and exhausted. I ended things tonight and nothing feels real. I ended them for good. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I broke his heart and the lovely home we have. And for what? For some silly need to discover myself?
Yeah. I keep downplaying my reasons for doing this. I shouldn't. I can't take it back. It makes it harder to follow through with my decision to go on my own.
I'm so sad. I didn't realize how blindsided he was. I didn't communicate. I just didn't communicate. I was a coward and didn't communicate. I've hurt my best friend deeply and I feel awful.
This really sucks and it's going to be really hard. We live together. We have almost ten years of history and shared belongings. But I need to see who I am outside of relationships. God, I can't believe I'm letting go of everything we made together. It's been the most beautiful nine years... And I hope to the heavens he doesn't skip town.
I'm just really sad. But it would be wrong to keep going knowing I can't give him my 100% self.
I hope he's okay. I just want him to be happy. I want him to be okay. How ironic as I think I just made him very, very unhappy...
August 6th, 2024
I've been pondering things since my birthday. Entertaining new ideas and chewing on them more and more. I've been asking myself what my truth is now. I think I've been a certain kind of person for a long time... and things are changing. I want and need things differently now. It keep me up at night.
My gut is pulling me into a new path. One I don't want to admit I'm ready for. I'm scared to be undoubtedly uncomfortable. But I know, deep down, it's part of my journey
March 7th, 2024
Is everything okay yet? Everything seems okay. I'm told everything is okay. I'm acting like everything's okay. I just don't know if everything IS okay. It makes me nervous.
Standing up for myself to someone I sorta fear, mostly respect, was not easy. It messed me up a little bit. I'll likely sit with the echoes of my guilt for a little longer. Doing what's right for me might seem wrong, unnatural. Adhering to a code is what I've been conditioned to do.
Now I'm breaking all the rules.
At least I have metal music to tend to my wounds, strengthen my weak mind, and invigorate my limp body. I have everything I could need in this world. I need to slow down and smell the roses, count the stars, and be another breeze in the wind.
I know I'll feel complete once I hit the stage and sing my fucking heart out.
February 21st, 2024
I'm violently spilling over. You can see the mess in the kitchen sink, in the livingroom, in my knotted hair. I gasp for air but only swallow more water.
Bitter, unclean water.
I'm trying to remember that I have control in my life. But my memory slips. I'm trying to reach for reigns. But my grip slips. I'm trying to articulate and assert myself. But my words slip... and then water overflows and I am a crying child again.
These rapids of misfortune have taken me further than I'd liked. My little arms and legs scraped and bruised from each slab of stone and barnacle under the current.
It could be worse. I could always be worse. I'm thankful foremost for my partner who reminds me that I can swim. But in this exact moment... I am thankful for symphonic death metal for providing me the outlet I need to feel and release my intensity.
February 2nd, 2024
I've been taking time... a lot of time to sit with everything I had lived in the last year. I can tell things are on the up and up when I start sleeping better.
They say real art comes at a cost. They're right. I've been exploding creatively. It's been so rewarding and a kickass experience. Never in my life have I felt so colourful and free. I'm so thankful these small but huge projects are part of my lifesyle now and I will savor this time of my youth.
But I am forgetting to physically take care of myself. My mind is totally elsewhere sometimes. I'm working on finding much needed balance on the daily. Sometimes I don't acknowledge how good life has been to me lately, but generally, I'm very happy. Just because life isn't easy, doesn't mean it's cruel.
Three things I'm thankful for today:
-discovering Mind Hunter
-the kindness and love of my partner
-just life right now
October 6th, 2023
I'm coming off of a poorly timed cold. Autumn is a blessing and, thankfully, the weather has been holding up for me to enjoy it.
I'm killing time at a coffee shop before a job interview at a breakfast diner. Moving into my new place felt right but everything else has felt so wrong. Seems my job is not the right fit I was hoping it'd be.
Things haven't exactly been "working out" for me lately and I've allowed myself to sit with pitiful words whirling around my head, letting the days pass me by for a tad too long.
I'm ready to seize the day and give myself what I deserve: A steady job that I tolerate, maybe even enjoy. Dedicated space to write my novel and create art. Time to be in love and smell the roses.
This rut is temporary and I'm slowly climbing out of it. It's taken painful introspection to grasp what it is I really need to thrive.
With a decaf iced americano and an engrossing book about witch hunts and sorcerers, anything is possible. 🍂
September 8th, 2023
I have yet to pin point where the inspiration to be creative comes from. I've been writing again. At a frequency I forgot I was capable of. It's one of the things that's been keeping me afloat these days.
I've grown tired of wishing things would just happen. Tired of thinking that the end, the destination, is where fulfillment and payoff lives. I'm learning that the joy and thrill of being a writer, being an artist, a human, is in tackling and overcoming all the little things that take you one step closer to the end.
The stakes seem rather high right now. I feel the need to be solid and sound, but I've been cracking and croaking when no one's around. So... I started writing again. And typing, and notetaking, and thinking.
The blessing of being a writer is that it's free, it can be done anytime, anywhere, and no one can stop me from telling a story. The curse of being a writer is that we are our own worst critics, and we are our own creative nemesis. A war of wills against oneself. These days, thankfully, I've been winning.
I'm soo glad I didn't scrap this story I've been mulling over for five years now. I've tried developing it and drafting it, and gotten fed up and had archived it. But now I'm really writing it. It brings me so much joy and the little fuzzy feeling in my stomach is spreading to my heart. I feel open.
It is paramount that I follow through with writing a novel to its goddamn completion. Published. Even if I don't make a dime, if someone reads it and enjoys it... I can't imagine experiencing that sort of satisfaction. All of me, in my most elevated and polished form, will exist in pages topped with a unique cover of my design. That alone is worth fighting for every day. It's like love in a way.
My little Tencha is reaching the end of her life. She likes to bask in the sun, in the warmth of late summer. On dewy grass with her muzzle turned to the sky, sniffing fresh September air. Though her frailness makes each day harder than the last. Her spirits and her faculties remain strong as always. But her body is tired. This post is dedicated to Tencha, who represents resilliance and beautiful, bountiful energy.
September 5th, 2023
Today would've been my first day back in classes. What a turbulent year it has been. While goodness is flooding into my life, so is badness. That's just the way the currents run these days.
I'm lost. Totally lost. Though, this time, the reality of it is comforting. As I beat this path in my new chapter of life, making way for new lessons and experiences, I'm begrudgingly forced to face my ugliness head on. Forced to address the many hidden elephants in the room. And it ain't one bit easy.
In order to overcome this phase of uncertainty, I need to put in the work. Be consistent, be mindful. When they say you don't know how you'll react until it happens, they really mean it. It feels as though I lose all my progress after I do a good chunk of work. But that's healing for you, it resists the command to remain linear.
This too shall pass.
What ever.
No, this too shall pass.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen to yourself and say it. Mean it!
Fine! This too shall pass, I guess!
This is the daily monologue in my head, about thirty eight times a day. I'm faking it until one day, hopefully soon, I make it. I can't lose any faith in myself. It's out of the question.
While I'm lost at sea, I may as well look for shore. Any shore will do.
April 25th, 2023
I can't remember the last time I have felt so out of my body. I've filled up my week again with plans I don't want to partake in.
There's unrest: the way I grind my teeth so much it makes my head pound, the way I toss and turn begging for my tired body to sleep, the way I lie to my family on instinct about how my day was wonderful. Hell, I'm using a child's tooth brush because I've failed to make it a priority to get a real adult toothbrush! What in the hell is going on with me?
I'm desperate for an answer. I'm desperate for normalcy. The inconsistencies of my lifestyle are gnawing at me and breaking the skin. I feel eyes on me constantly. My work week is a miserable pocket of time that make me want to pull my hair out.
I have to let go. Let go of all of this. Of this war I've waged on myself. Of my current line of work that's causing me to drown. Of the worries that I may never find peace within myself.
I'm eager to move out of my parents' home again. Not that the environment is causing me distress... but I haven't had my personal safe space to retreat to in a couple of months now. This time spent away from Him has helped us greatly... but now my mental health is paying for it dearly.
I miss the me that could last a whole day being okay. Please come back and let this temporary substitute rest. She is exhausted, she is lost, she is coping in the ways she promised not to. She wants to be sober, well fed, happy, and at peace.
Alex, come back to your body. Hurry.