Thought it’d be nice to get a little stuff done and hang out with my family but turns out I’m still depressed. The scry thing about depression is feeling like there’s something so wrong about it. I almost wish I could be one of those people that just embraces how terrible they feel so I at least wouldn’t worry something is wrong with me.
But yeah my mood has steadily declined throughout the day.
I think I’ve been feeling kind of blah for a few days now. I’ve had a couple friends cancel/rearrange plans at the last minute and it’s kinda getting on my nerves, but honestly the reluctance I have towards life isn’t explained by this annoyance completely.
I thought perhaps I was feeling lonely because I had just found an apartment and gone through the application process completely alone, so I told my parents that I found a place. My dad was okay with the news! My mom immediately asked if it had a garage, then got ultra upset when I told her it did not. This reaction? This one right here, where I feel like I’m the bad guy for finding a place that meets all my needs almost entirely by myself? Yeah, that’s why I try to do it all by myself. There was no compromise that would have worked for her and my budget, but all she wants to see is me being mugged while I walk 20 feet to my place.
There’s literally nothing I could’ve said to her except “I don’t see it that way,” so that’s what I said. I love her and I hate that she thinks that I’m going to die because the complex I signed doesn’t have a garage bc I trust my instincts more than I trust a random leasing agent. I’ve used leasing agents for years and I have never seen them do anything I couldn’t do, so I finally trusted my instincts and did what I knew I could. Then I am told that I’m going to die. Great.
Surprisingly I do actually feel a bit less heavy after sharing that I signed for an apartment. Now it’s more a matter of not interpreting my mother’s words as, “You stupid ignorant slut. You’re never gonna make it out there and you should’ve just stayed in retail.” Because that’s what it feels like when she tears down my life like that. Wish she’d get some better coping mechanisms instead of fixating on a garage. She didn’t even let me mention it’s a gated community.
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Today I realized that I am the only person who lives upstairs and thinks 71 degrees is too cold, so I taped my vent shut entirely. Knowing that I am the only cold-intolerant young adult in the house really made me feel isolated. I guess being the lone dissenter hits kinda different while I’m in a depressive episode.
My sister has requested... all of my time tomorrow. And honestly I’m mostly happy to give it. I love going on errands and picking up items with a clear intention (the opposite of which is why I hate shopping with my mom). She wants to find some outfits and get her nails done, and since I’m not buying a computer anymore, I can afford to go out with her. [I’m sad that I had to tape my vent up to cohabitate, but now that it’s closed I feel a certain security about not dreading the sound of the fans turning on.]
Yeah, anyway... I just wanted to sit down and admit to myself that I’m really, really sad and it’s not because anything in particular is wrong. It’s just a rough time right now and my affect can only do so much. Now it’s time to give myself the time and space I deserve so I can be the me I’m proud of sooner.
A bit embarrassed to admit how anxious I was to start my onboarding process.
I definitely took too long to get over the anxiety and have missed two deadlines already. Although, no one has reached out via text or anything, so I’m assuming that the deadlines are more like... soft? I guess... Probably it was like, “I’d like these by now but really don’t need them until next week,” but I’m setting a terrible precedent by behaving like this. The good news is that I’m getting my shit together.
There was a ceremonial removal of my ratchet nails last night. I really needed to get it together and part of that reclaiming my dexterity. It was a symbolic step towards using my hands for productivity once again. I actually did a garbage job of it and there is still some to take off, but the length is gone which was the most important part.
I also finished modifying my wireless charger this morning and I’m pretty happy with the white look. I bought some spray paints and acrylic sealant yesterday from Michael’s, which prompted me to look at my bank account. Turns out I’m... super broke after I start paying rent this coming month and might have to put off buying my beautiful new pc for a few months. Canceling my order is going to break my heart but I can’t imagine asking my parents for money to help live my gamer lifestyle.
It’s probably better to just wait until later anyway when the price of parts goes down and I can put in the elbow grease myself instead of someone else assembling it. And then I can focus on buying more sick peripherals instead. I don’t game THAT much that a new computer is entirely justified anyway, and if I’m being honest I was more interested in making my desk look as cool as possible. I just need more cash flow than I’ll have if that computer order gets filled on July 1st.
I woke up in an okay mood but started feeling kind of pissy because I got through another 20% of my PALS training and the program told me to take a break because I got the same question wrong three times in a row. I mean, they were right, I did need a break and had even been considering taking one before they suggested I take one, but I felt very insulted nonetheless. I’ll tell you when I need a break. *Considers taking a nap*
You know what’s really annoying? This dry mouth feeling I’m still getting from my medication. I have learned to work a round it as much as I can. I have my xylitol melts that I use while sleeping, I sip water incessantly, I upped my oral hygiene. It’s still not enough to stop feeling like my mouth is a desert. I thought it would go away like my heartburn if I managed it properly, but there are just no preventive steps I can take. It’s all about alleviating the symptom when it appears, which is just not my style. I like to attack things at the root, ya know?
I’ve missed many Damien Haas streams lately. I definitely don’t catch as many now that people are always hanging out at home. Between four animals and all my siblings being home during the day I’m not feeling as lonely. Which I recognized is a lot of why I felt so anxious about residency onboarding. I’m afraid of being super lonely again.
The good news is that I believe that I have the resilience and people skills to build a community out there. It’s just that it takes me a while to remember because I haven’t been actively dismantling my negative thought patterns. I’ve just become slowly more withdrawn from the idea of moving on with my life and decided to handle it in the worst way possible, by ignoring it. Thankfully I can’t really ignore things for too long before my morbid curiosity wins out and makes me open up an email.
I’m not sure what to do with myself atm. I’m burnt out on PALS, I have no one to hang out with today, playing video games just reminds me that I can’t have my gaming pc, I’m too broke to go shopping for more creative projects, and my brother doesn’t want to do anything with me. I guess I’ll just... play games anyway? Idk, dude. I’ll just play a game.
I missed the heat of the day by a few hours, but it still felt nice to channel my inner reptile and just take in the light with a podcast.
My face broke out yesterday and I’m kinda pissed about it. Stress always does this to me, and tbh it’s my own bad habits that make me like this. Putting things off until it’s too late to ignore them, building up the fear in my head without just facing the problems as they come... I fall back into old habits pretty quickly around my family. Not that I blame them for it. I just forgot what it meant to hold myself to doctor standards for a hot second.
I have GOT to get some new switches for my keyboard. These cherry mx blues are so dang clicky. I put paper napkins under the frame just to mute the reverb of the clacking a bit. That helped some and makes me think about getting one of those huge mouse pads a little more seriously. BTW the embroidery floss cable actually worked out pretty well. It looks super clean now. Unfortunately the floss is super small so it’s taking quite some time to wrap the entire cable, but it’s super rad and totally worth it.
I just purchased a laptop stand to improve the ergonomics as well as the appearance on my desk. If you were to ask me why I suddenly have so much interest in my desk setup, the only reason I could give you is that I think it’s fun. I don’t want to go overboard and I’m not trying to make anyone on the internet jealous, but I spend a lot of time at my desk and I’d like it to be a pleasant experience. Now that I’m transitioning away from stationery crafts as my main form of entertainment, it feels natural to spend a little time and money to make my surroundings fit into my lifestyle a little better. I really need a mouse that isn’t so facking ugly tho.
Yesterday my podcast titled “kleptothermia” mentioned a study which concluded persons with higher body temperatures tend to have more diverse friend groups. Not more friends, just greater diversity of them. I felt like... maybe I fit in that statistic? Women also have higher body temperatures. So do overweight and shorter people, though. Tall, thin men have the lowest temps. I’m super curious about my temperature average, because I’m more sensitive to cold than everyone in my life. I’d love to measure it over time if only I could find my thermometer...
Also, in a study of schizophrenic patients who tend to layer clothing even when it’s warm out, a group of researchers in India found that the ones who layered up had a definite correlation with lower levels of free T3 and T4. My TSH and T4 have been borderline low in the past, and that makes me wonder if PERHAPS this could also be true in me (not the schizophrenia part). Man I love podcasts. Little factoids like this really give my overactive brain something to think about more than my dumb life.
I’ve had my acrylic nails for two weeks exactly today and I am sick of them. Oh my God, someone please get them off my nails. I’m used to the altered dexterity by now, but I would really like to feel my new keyboard under my finger tips and be able to do my hair more easily. And sometimes they get caught on things and it really smarts. I’m just eager to get them off at this point.
My brunch got canceled by inclement weather. There are supposed to be massive thunderstorms all day. None yet as of 8:36 AM, but there have been showers. My little girl cat tends to sleep extra well when it rains out.
Might be stress. Might be caffeine withdrawal. Had a lot of caffeine yesterday. Signed a lease in Atlanta and did a bunch of residency onboarding paperwork today. Probably failed to inspire confidence in my new leasing management. I put the decision off for a LONG time, but I’m glad I finally made it.
I painted my wireless charger today. I kinda like it in white, but I need to add some sort of sealant. I’d really like to go do that right now, though it’s a bit inconvenient to go right this minute with all the car shuffling that has to happen in order to get free enough to go to Michael’s. The website was super helpful, though. It told me exactly which aisle it should be in at my local store. When my mom gets home and parks behind everyone else I’ll take her car over there and grab a bottle of it. I’ll probably also get some white spray paint to hit the rest of my gear (mouse, cables, monitor bevels, etc..).
I was gonna do vinyl wrapping, but someone tell me how tf to vinyl wrap a curved monitor. I’m committed to the white life now, though. I’m thinking I’ll also braid the cables with white embroidery string? I’m on this diy creative kick right now as I try to sublimate my stress into something beautiful.
Tomorrow I thankfully have a minor reprieve- brunch with a friend at a cute spot in Dallas during non-rush hour times! I’m excited to see someone that isn’t family. I feel like after the initial high of seeing everyone under one roof, I’m starting to feel a bit resentful of the loss of peace and quiet around here. Like I’ve said before, I love my sister and I love my brother in law, but our lifestyles are not very compatible.
I picked up Dune again recently and I’m glad for it. The book is very interesting and I really hadn’t been grasping the complexities before. The portion I’m rereading makes lot more sense now, and I’m excited to check out the ending.
It would appear that I have also just found use for embroidery thread to wrap up my cables. Dunno if that project is actually worth doing, but I can still buy some thread and give it a go. My head really aches today. The main culprit is all the caffeine I had yesterday for sure.
I’ve been feeling kinda isolated in the house lately. I always get this way when I’m super stressed about work because I know nobody can really relate to the plight I’m facing around here. Some of my classmates can, but it’s still like... not exactly the same. I don’t know too many people using residency to connect to their ethnic roots like I’ve decided to do. Am I a sell out for living in a nice suburb right outside of Atlanta instead of within the city limits? Should I have tried living in Old Fourth Ward to get the historical context more? Do I contribute to gentrification just by existing? Bruh, who knows? Why do I even worry about the answer to these questions?
Think I’m gonna go sit in the sun for a little bit.
Washed all my clothes yesterday and then put them on my unwashed, smelly body.
I showered yesterday, but apparently I also sweated a lot while I was drinking and playing Overcooked 2 with my sister and brother in law. Fell asleep on the couch until midnight, when my brother came home. Those losers didn’t even turn the game off. Just left me there with the level selection music.
Speaking of those two, I’m starting to realize what bothers me about them. No, they’re not lazy or inconsiderate, but my definition of a comfortable living environment and theirs are two totally separate things. Personally, things are way too cold all the time and it takes way too long for them to notice that something needs to be done.
Their dog is starved for attention in a way that is meaningful to her (walks, play time, social time that isn’t just depression cuddling) and really took to hanging out with me around the house when I started providing some of those things for her. I think- well I know- that there is some pet parent jealousy from both of them. This is a perfectly normal thing to feel, that’s not what bothers me... it’s that they won’t up their parenting game to win her back over. Routinely forgetting to feed her dinner until 10pm, locking her in their room so she won’t come sleep in my room instead of clearing some space for her to be comfortable, refusing to walk her even though I’ve already demonstrated that she knows how to be a good girl for super long walkies with the right firmness of hand.
Another thing that bothers me is that they are almost always doing laundry. Look, I get it, I leave my laundry in the machines all the time. But there are six adults living in this house now and we need to start being more considerate of each other. Perhaps we can choose one day to do laundry instead of spreading it out throughout the week, hmm? Perhaps we can buy some more pants or pairs of underwear to stretch the entire week instead the same worn out leggings for the 50th time? I knew they were constantly doing the wash at their apartment, but I assumed it was because of their dog. But now that dog is here and I’ve seen the accumulation of hair go absolutely nowhere in the three weeks that they’ve lived here, I’m realizing that it’s more about them never wanting to smell any sort of body odors on themselves ever.
We could talk about cleaning their environment, but it honestly makes me sad. Yesterday they invited me out to go to my sister’s favorite drink chain 45 minutes out from here. At first I agreed, but then they started having a super petty argument in front of my brother and I. I turned to my bro and said, “Good luck with that today,” and told them I was going to stay home. I cannot stand being around their bickering and disrespectful language all day. Honestly it’s mainly my sister being triggered by his contrarian nature and casual word choices, but it’s enough that I didn’t want to expose myself to it again. So I opted to stay home. Both of my parents were out at a church function, so I had the house entirely to myself.
When I tell you I felt ~ f r e e ~ *
I mean as soon as they left and I had my fill of my shows on the big tv I started cleaning the upstairs. First had to get rid of all those disgusting hair balls accumulating on the stairs that everyone just walks past everyday. Something about the texture of the dog’s hair and our curly hair makes huge hair balls compared to the ones my cats leave behind, but I don’t think she sheds more than them. I think it’s just the perfect storm of hair textures. Anyway got those out the fucking way and swept the entry to the house which has been gross since the covid ice-pocalypse earlier this year. Hairballs. Hairballs hiding everywhere. I didn’t even get in all the nooks and crannies-- I only hit the high traffic areas. I had a mega hairball the size of my head with full curls at the end of it.
Then I had to tackle that disgusting bathroom. Holy shit, I literally avoid it because it’s so high traffic now. Toothpaste covering the hardware, same hand towel up for two weeks, signs of that red bacteria growing in the shower drain, everything dusty as fuck, make up brushes caked with foundation on the counter. Things are relatively organized, but... it’s like no one else can see dirt and understand that something needs to be done about it except me. My brother commented he noticed the hairballs were missing from the stairs when he got home. ??? If you knew they were gross why didn’t you try to clean them up??
Honestly, now I get how my parents must have felt when they tried to teach us how to clean. I have a memory if my dad pointing at a tile while I was sweeping and saying, “I see dirt here. You can’t see this right here?” And I, probably 7 or 8 at the time, could not in good consciousness tell him that I could see what he was pointing. He probably thought I was trying to be lazy or contrarian, but I just couldn’t get it. I was already sweeping, what more did he want? In high school once I was throwing a party. My bff came over early and asked if she could help, and I tasked her with sweeping the floor. Ten minutes later she said she was done, and I was like, “Cool.” Then my mom came in and was like, “Did you sweep this floor? It’s still super dirty! You have people coming over and you did a terrible job!” And I just looked at my friend, silently pleading that a hole would open up in the ground and swallow me whole. The point is, my family takes cleanliness very seriously and this probably contributes to my sister’s laundry obsession. Too bad she doesn’t clean anything else that well too.
Anyway I also scrubbed the shit out of all our makeup brushes and it took like a good hour. Mine had seen a bit less use than my sister’s but they were starting to make me feel sneezy every time I did my eyeshadow, so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t directly inserting allergens into my eyes with every lewk. I did hers because we had a conversation about how gross makeup brushes are in general the previous day because I thought it would be nice. When she came home she questioned why I had cleaned when she was moments away from hiring a maid to remedy the situation (also something we had talked about before, but I guess we took different things away from that conversation). I was like, “you still should because I only did a surface level cleaning job,” but she was kinda huffy about it? I don’t think her attitude was justified, bc cleaning the bathroom professionally once would not solve the fact that four adults are sharing a toilet daily lmao. We need better maintenance habits in general. There shouldn’t have been any feelings of stolen glory because I decided to make sure we weren’t washing in filth.
Their puppo just came to say hi to me and my bro in law said something that I found kinda irritating that both of them do. They always go, “She doesn’t want you, Cady,” when she says hi to me. But I do. I do want Cady. I would take her with me to Atlanta if I thought I could get away with it. Her intensely socially motivated personality makes her a delight to be around. I love that dog.
We’re getting lots of rain today, which means I should anticipate moodiness from my sister more than normal. She actually loves cloudy rainy London weather but hates thunder. But we get a shit ton of thunder in Texas.
Look, I’m trying to have some grace about this whole living in one house situation. I keep common areas clear of my junk and finish up their laundry when it’s in the machine instead of removing it and doing mine. I let their dog out to poop when they’re upstairs and offer to help with anything they need solutions for. We hang, we have game nights, I offer validation when they do things nicely, and for the most part it’s totally fine. It’s only situations where I perceive willful neglect or disrespect that bother me. If something you use is dirty, respect the object and yourself by cleaning up and putting back in its place. If your dog is showing you that she enjoys the way I treat her more, then respect her by increasing your time spent together doing things she enjoys. If you’re having a dumbass argument about syntax then be considerate and take it into another room instead of getting huffy and ruining everyone else’s time. And get your clothes out of the god forsaken laundry machine.
I finished their clothes, draped them so they wouldn’t wrinkle and set the basket in front of them in the living room. Both of them got up and left without it. So I brought it up to their room and put it on the futon. BIL turns to me, “You did our laundry?” indicating that I had wasted my breath downstairs. I countered with no, I just added softener and dried them and brought them up here and yeah I just did your laundry... But I didn’t fold it? That was a bit of a wake up call for me. In some ways I’ve been babying my sister and cleaning up behind her like a mother would. I want them to be happy and acts of service is my primary love language, but that just isn’t important to them. Idk what they need but it ain’t something I can give them right now. I can’t just stop fighting for the way I want to live my life, but I CAN stop enabling their bad behaviors!
And recently I have started calling out when my sister does something totally unreasonable and I can see that BIL is about to bend to her whims. I’ll tell her when her bad attitude is unwarranted, and have even warned her not to start something in front of all of us in the room. She has no shame about using moodiness to get what she wants from the people a round her and I think I’m the only one who’s willing to stand up for peace in the house. I have exactly one month left in this house and I would like all of us to work towards positive memories. Currently it feels like I’m the only one that cares about that... what with my brother always zooting off to hang with his friends and parents becoming progressively more exhausted by their desire to reclaim their youth. I mean I go to see my friends every once in a while too, but he’s gone like every other day.
Sometimes when everyone is pissing me off I am suddenly motivated to start packing. Part of it is wanting to sublimate my energy into something productive like cleaning or organizing, but part of it is anticipation of my moving process being a total disaster. I want as many things as possible to bein discreet boxes that can all be handled with ease. No boxes labeled “fragile” and as few awkwardly shaped items as possible. If ever there has been a time to over use packing materials, this is it. There is also a part of me that needs to focus on the fact that living with these stressors is TEMPORARY. My reactions are a degree or two nicer when I remember that.
Believe it or not, I’ve been massively stressed lately. Closing in on an apartment is taking a lot of mental strain, but mostly because everyone wants to give me their opinion instead of trusting me. When I tell them that I’ve found something suitable for my specific needs.
My sister spent half the day searching for a spot for me at one chain of apartments which I actually can’t afford, and google street viewed my other choices to decide if they were near low-income housing and therefore “in the ghetto”.
My keybord cam with cherry mx blue tactile switches, which would not have been my first choice, but I’m kinda loving how clickety-clackety it sounds. Also, I’m kinda typing on the tips of my acrylic nails so there’s like three different clacking noises going on with each keystroke.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about discontinuing journaling completely. No lie, I’ve totally outgrown the idea of an online blog, and I think I outgrew the need to chronicle my life in excruciating detail some time ago as well. I’d like to live m life more in the here and now, instead of consistent meta-analysis as a barrier between me and reality. *sniff* They grow up so fast!
I’m saving this entry after like every sentence so I don’t lose what I’ve typed lmao.
So yeeeeeah... I’m super stressed about apartment hunting, about finishing up PALS, about my family, my posture, my bank account since I keep borrowing money indiscriminately... I mean, there’s just a lot going on. And tbh I think I’m over bullet journaling too, if only because I feel as though it oversimplifies my life. I look at previous months and see a collection of to-do lists and events devoid of any pattern of behavior and... it just doesn’t feel like an accurate representation of my process. You know, my modus operandi. And that feeling makes me not want to return to it. I end up making lists on scraps of paper, or listing them out loud. I put them in google drive with the purpose of sharing them instead of trying to archive and keep them to myself with the hopes of decoding some kind of secret message among my ramblings.
Now that I’m more comfortable with who I am in a social “vacuum,” I want to start to define myself in terms of my relationships to others. I’ve always felt that I am a great “friend” and recently my definition of friendship was forcibly expanded by circumstances. I still believe myself to be a great friend but holding that at my core of identity is no longer serving me the way it used to when I was jonesing for independence from my family. Now I wanna focus on being a great family member, and expanding that family in the form of a partnership.
I don’t have any prospects right now, but there has been a tangible change my openness to the concept of serious relationships lol. As in, I’m no longer terrified that I’ll ruin a relationship simply by being a part of it. The evidence just isn’t there. I’m a great friend and a great lover of myself and others. There’s no way who I am will work against me and I won’t see it when I find the right husband.
I’m still finding it difficult to type on this website.
I keep accidentally opening the inspection tab and that deletes everything I’ve written HAHAHA what a funny joke. It pisses me off immeasurably.
Anywayyy I’m working my way through moving and my PALS course and they are both stressful in different ways. PALS is forcing me to use my brain and moving is forcing me to include my family in my future planning; which I am obviously rather unpracticed at. I just find that I need more direct emotional support than they can provide during stressful situations. I also find that my face is breaking out a ton and even though my acrylic nails keep me from really digging in there I still tend to rove my facial texture with my fingertips and scratch at anything I can, which is of course actively slowing down the healing process. I think the breakouts are coming from the huge shift in gut health I’ve been experiencing lately with the heart burn and the famotidine and whatnot. I still feel pretty nauseated sometimes. I also kinda feel like I’m chasing my symptoms. I really would rather not be on this medication but again, it is the only thing that’s kept me from a depressive slump, and currently I still value that more than all the side effects.
I’m really stressed today – partly because of the nausea, partly because of the PALS thing. Partly because I’m worried about my mom’s mental health. Partly my own. I think I’m gonna take a few hours to play Stardew Valley instead of doing my PALS cert. I also think I want to pull out of the class boat party >.> Maybe they can keep the money and I’ll just not go.
My mom is kinda pissed about how rushed everything felt, but to me it was pretty much perfect. I wore my ratchet nails and my 5 inch heels. My afro came out in full, asymmetric force, and I had a rather pleasant conversation with T, whom I haven’t really spoken to in years. I was very thankful for the confidence my nails gave me in that moment bc talking to him did trigger some long gone insecurities. But it was fine. I didn’t realize that N would receive this like, class-wide mega award. It seemed like overkill, but I am sincerely proud of her. That kind of award will follow her career for the rest of her life. It was great to see everybody in person looking nice.
I took a few pics before we left for the ceremony because I knew I wouldn’t want to take them on the way back and that my mom would try to make me take them. And what do you know, she insisted we step in the grass to take a photo in front of a tree after I told her I would not be walking in the grass for a photo. I took two steps in and decided I would never again stop for such a request after making my wishes known. The photos from before were much nicer. She picked them apart for a good portion of the evening, even after my critical-eyed sister told her they made her look thinner than reality. I’m slowly learning to let her comments roll off my back. “Did you want your hair that poofy? Are we on the right highway? Did you put lotion on your legs? What time were we supposed to be there again?” (Answers: No. Yes. Of course I did. 12:30 pm.) All asked as we’re in the car on the way there, or walking into the plaza when it is too late to change anything. Pair her ADHD with the crazy driving one can always expect from my father and I was so seasick and frustrated by the time we arrived at the school. Literally biting my tongue on the way back. I almost broke the oh shit handle I was squeezing it so hard.
See, this right here is why people say they can’t stand being around their parents. I usually don’t mind because I can assert my boundaries pretty easily in day to day life, but days like today where my boundaries are necessarily down so we can attend a huge event... idk man, it just makes me anxious. I already knew I was gonna be fielding my mom’s insecurities about photos all day. I already knew I would need to reprimand my dad for driving like an idiot. I already knew they would start squabbling about absolute nonsense if I didn’t interject and redirect their conversations quickly. I feel like I spent the majority of my time cajoling them into shape and responding to all the people who wanted to wish me congratulations on social media and on the phone. I had two uncles call to congratulate me, which was very sweet. It just also added a bit to the overwhelming quality of it all.
I’m extremely pleased that I refused to partake in the extreme amount of emotional labor my parents were doing. I love that they want to brag on me, but I absolutely refuse to loop a bunch of tertiary people into my day. It’s already straight up too much effort to drag my afro down there and sit through this ceremony in direct sunlight.
I guess I’m still trying to convince myself that it’s alright to be selfish about how I spend my time during a celebration like this. Like I’m thankful for this occurring during a pandemic because it meant I only had to corral my parents instead of all six of the people in my house today, plus three family friends or something. I just took a lorazepam and I’m really losing steam here, lol.
I’m happy with how today went down, honestly. I told my parents I didn’t want to go out to eat to celebrate and my dad was like, “ok, chill,” and promptly fell asleep in the arm chair. My mom informed me that many people would indeed want to celebrate with me and I was disappointing them all. I asked her why what I wanted did not matter, and that actually made her stop trying to convince me (yes!). We ordered pizza from Dominos - my favorite pizza place! - and my sister and brother in law actually got me a really nice cake and a magnetic print out of that baby picture of me with a stethoscope that I love and I can put on the fridge, which was super thoughtful. She even got a fancy layered chocolate cake, which is my favorite flavor.
I need to wash my hair tomorrow and I’m surely not looking forward to it. These nails add an extra layer of effort to everything that I do. It’s not like things are impossible, but the constant dexterity training is tiresome on days like today. I basically had to commission my entire family to help me get dressed today- from zipping up my dress to doing the buttons of my hood. It took so long to stick my cap on top of my head with bobby pins that I nearly cried when it blew off. I was very protective of it after that and had no more accidents. Lol my hair seriously betrayed me today. But you know what? It’s gonna be ok. 90% of the lewk is the regalia so I can forgive my hair for being a unholy fucking mess this one time.
IT’S COMMENCEMENT DAY, B O I I I I I I I I I I I I I I
I have mixed feelings, but they’re mostly positive. My therapist introduced me to the concept of feelings word lists when I mentioned that I was having difficulty nailing down how I feel about everything and I found a fairly comprehensive one to check out. I’m certainly excited, bordering on overwhelmed, but there’s always the small element of fear of the future, anticipation of problems that have yet too make themselves known.
Last night I decided to transform the excitement into lusting after my favorite murder clown so I wouldn’t lose sleep thinking about today’s events. It is extremely, almost criminally easy to transform - dare I say sublimate - heightened emotion into lust. It’s kind of always been my go to when I don’t want my brain to ruin a good thing. As such, I dove into some Hisoka fanfiction with fervor and pleasured myself in such a manner that I almost fear for the success of any man in my future. A lot of the amazing fun of masturbating is the physical pay off, but I also marvel at the idea that my body is capable of feeling this way. It’s special. Not looking forward to the day my hormones shift and I have to figure it out all over again. I’m enjoying my sexuality. I am woman. Hear me roar.
Ok, other things aside from feeling myself... my sister and I finally tie-dye bleached our shirts yesterday and they are FIRE. I look forward to the day that I get to wear them (obviously not today). Uhhhhmmmmmmmmm idk idk I’m really excited about graduation! I need to get my hair and nails ready, but I don’t wanna start until like 10 o’clock. My brother in law is making me a nice breakfast so I’m hyyyyyped for that!
If you could achieve anything in your life what would it be?
Well I’d want to be richer, for starters.
Is that a fair thing to say? It’s basically code for I want fewer problems. And I do want fewer problems tbh, but it’s more like... I wish I could handle my problems with more resilience than I currently have. Which is saying something because HOO boy do I have a lot of resilience.
If I could change one thing in my life it would be... and if I’m excluding internal things such as “depressive episodes”, “my attitude”, or “overthinking”, I would probably choose... hmm... I would change....................hmm.... idk. I’m kinda floating on air right now because I just received a VERY nice glass plaque from my longitudinal track and I’m really proud of it!! Hmmm... idk, y’all! Oh, I got it! I would change my car to be the same make and model but a later edition, fixed weather stripping on the rear passenger door, and a new interior-- and it would never smell like smoke again the end.
I successfully washed my hair this morning, so I think that’s a good prognostic indicator. Something about the way the nails force me to contort my hands to perform daily tasks reminds me of all the women that I’ve thought were beautiful in my life. It also reminds me of the ancient Chinese practice of foot binding– because they thought the way their tortured feet forced women to walk looked “graceful” like a “swaying lotus”. I invite both of these comparisons into my being. Pain is beauty.
This is the first entry I’ve been forced to write in Microsoft Word instead of on the tumblr website itself. My keyboard was already not very user friendly, and now with these nails my typing accuracy is hot garbo so I need the autocorrect, however stifling it may feel at times.
I prayed again this morning and I feel as though it has really helped to center me. I was able to feel calm instead of mildly agitated, and got through the morning lessons with ease. I also have no anxiety about graduation, and I’m probably not gonna buy new shoes, but just wear the ones I got for Vegas. Though it would be nice if I could get really fancy new ones to wear exactly once. Hmmmmm…. I might go hit up the goodwill! I gotta look for a frame for my diploma anyway.
I bought my dream PC today!!!!!!!! I’m buying a prebuilt, but I was able to customize it entirely the way I want and without spending way too much money on it. I’m ECSTATIC. I tried to make sure that it had all the specs I was hoping for (for future VR play) and room for upgrades in the future when parts don’t cost an arm and a leg. (Ugh, I have many things to do, and all I want to do is take a nap.) The computer won’t be here for another month because of the GPU shortage but I got $70 off and free shipping for that, so I’m not super upset. Thoughts and prayers, you know? I was mostly excited that they weren’t gonna charge me double MSRP for it. And it will be perfectly fine for all of my purposes 😊
Another advantage of these crazy long nails is that I can’t pick at my face! Yay!
I’ve been feeling kind of empty lately, and in the past I’ve been able to effectively fill the emptiness by practicing my faith.
It’s not often that I feel this way - usually anxiety and plans for the future fill my every waking thought. But sometimes when my anxiety (and depression and life) is well managed I start to feel like this can’t be all there is to life.
So I’ve been trying to pray more.
This kind of got started a few days ago when I actually tried to search for a church in Atlanta. Turns out Atlanta is the home of the megachurch, and I have absolutely no clue where to start. Their websites aren’t helpful and I don’t know any faithful church goers out there. My sister really confirmed my fears that it would be difficult to find a church that preaches a gospel that I agree with, as well. Like when Watermark said they don’t believe in women being pastors- that seemed like a major oversight to me.
I don’t really know what to do except keep searching for a flock where I feel accepted. It’s always easier to go in person, but I think hunting for a church online is good practice, seeing as I’ll probably be working a ton of Sundays anyway and can just catch the videos later on. I’m hoping there is some sort of women’s bible study I can join in on.
I realized that I used the wrong “you’re” in a group project chat the other day and I want to bury my head in the sand and scream. I’m okay with one or two typos; they make you seem more personable. But that grammatical error was the like third I had sent to this group and I’m upset with myself lmao
There are many plans for today. After I finish up with my breakfast here, I want to take my sister’s dog for a walk around the block-- see if we can’t get some more good training in. Then I have to make an ethical argument in lecture today as I was designated the one with the least qualms to advocate for our patient and against the other groups’ patients. Our patient is kind of a dick, btw. Lol. My mom and I are gonna go get mani/pedis in the afternoon, and she really wants me to cook up the lambchops and chicken in the fridge tonight, so that’s also on the docket. If possible, I would like to get my drug test for residency done today as well, though I’m not sure why I’m rushing to get it done. I could just... ya know... wait until AFTER graduation. But if anyone brings weed on the boat party I would like to partake. Actually... maybe I wouldn’t...
Since I’m on the new meds and the side effects have taken full hold of how I live my life, I haven’t felt like altering my perception of reality of late. Liiiiike... I like and am happy with life as it is. Alcohol affects me a little too much now and I haven’t felt the urge to be high in a while. Even when I’m deathly bored and feel like the depression might be settling in more than usual, I don’t want to seek out drugs. I haven’t even sincerely thought about the lorazepam in a while. I still have a glass of wine some nights after dinner, but for the most part I just stick to water and gum because my mouth is so dry.
Getting outside everyday also helps. The endorphins from going on a long walk are undeniably great for my resilience, and I love spending time with my sister’s dog. I also love feeling like I’m taking care of her because she comes back and is much calmer and cuter for the rest of the day. Less barking at things outside and fewer attempts to play inside the house.
Both my therapist and psychiatrist have been preparing me for the inevitable trade off to different doctors. I don’t really want to think about it, but I know that I need to. My therapist gave me the name of one of her colleagues, and I’ll see if she takes my insurance, but idk what I can do about my psychiatrist aside from seeing who they have on staff for us at Morehouse. Idk who to ask, either. *Sigh* I wish this wasn’t so difficult.
I got permission to post a personal ad for a roommate on the app they use to communicate with us, but now I’m kinda like... not sure if I really want a roommate... I’ve already done a lot of research on places that fit my needs and I don’t want to make any sacrifices to live with a stranger, even if they are my co-intern. What if I can only find dudes? What if they’re insanely messy? What if they’re mean to me or worse my cats? What if I never see them and fear that they hate me? What if they’re passive aggressive? What if they think I’m passive aggressive?? What if they feed Alaska garbage and she gets sick? What if they let her out and she gets lost?? What if they want to live in a shit hole? It’s like... Idk if I want to think about all that for the first year I’m in a new city, you know?
So I’m thinking maybe I’ll just wait until next year to get a roomie. It’s not ideal for my bank account, but... idk, that’s what savings are for. Plus I’ll have more than enough money left after taxes, loans, car payments and... oh no I’m not gonna have that much money left. I forgot about loans. Dang.
The nausea is back because I forgot to take the famotidine this morning for a few hours. I took it just now, but all food and water still makes me feel ill right now.
Yesterday I took a really long walk with my sister’s dog and it was a real struggle to keep her from getting distracted. It’s clear she’s never been trained to walk straight forward in any meaningful way. I want to go walking with my sister, since she’s been feeling like garbage, but she wants to watch online church and I have a group project at one that I need to get to, so Idk if it’s a great idea today. I still have tshirts I want to bleach, and I have to get through the online version of PALS which I still haven’t touched. I had endeavored to take a shower before eating, but now I feel like garbage so I threw on a hoodie and snuggled up under my comforter to write this entry.
Hey, my new gaming monitor? It’s the best thing I’ve ever owned. It really takes away from eye and neck strain associated with having a small laptop screen. It’s interesting though, that some images appear less sharp than they do on the laptop. It never occurred to me that images of lower resolution look better on smaller screens, but it makes total sense. Both screens have the same resolution, just this one is smaller. Images appear to have more depth on my laptop than they do on the monitor, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been living my life at 720p and I’m ready to move up to 1080.
I’ve been picking at my face a lot since it broke out the other week. I know, just in time for graduation photos. The good news is that the acne has calmed down, so now I’m just gonna focus on keeping my skin moisturized af while it heals. I’m thinking I’ll start wearing a mask so that when my hands absent-mindedly roam towards my face there will be a physical barrier. The moisture from my breath should help things along as well.
I’m more than a little pissed at myself for picking, since I know it does nothing but add more scars, but like... idk what to do except keep fighting the urge. Sometimes I remind myself how dirty the undersides of my nails are, and sometimes I look in the mirror and remind myself of what I’m doing to my face. Sometimes I just keeping picking even though I know it’s gross because I feel this impulse to keep going. I can interrupt the impulse some times, but sometimes it doesn’t stop until I feel something satisfying break off my face. It really pisses me off that I still feel this way at times. I have very little compassion for this portion of myself.
Anyway, I’m gonna go shower. Maybe do a face mask.
Everyone in my class is getting married and it’s starting to make me feel like a secondary character
Maaaan, screw y’alls weddings!!
It’s the small, intimate ones that make me the most mad. What, I wasn’t close enough to be invited to the event but now you want me to see how happy you are? That’s GARBAGE. This isn’t the intention people have when they’re posting photos of a beautiful moment in their lives, yet I can’t help but feel that way when the TENTH ALTER PHOTO SCROLLS BY ON MY NEWSFEED.
Literally this is bad for my mental health. It’s not that I want to be married right now or even any time in the immediate future to anyone except Damien Haas but the number of weddings I was not invited to is really starting to feel personal! I was invited to two of them, but totally couldn’t make it to either so... there’s that.
Dude, nobody warned me that there would be ten million weddings and even more engagements. People that I haven’t seen in years and assumed were just NEETS who stay home all day are coming out with engagement photos, pregnancy photos, gorgeous vacations, etc.. I had no idea these fools would be out here really testing me like this when I’m trying to focus on my major accomplishments of GRADUATING THE FUCK OUT OF MEDICAL SCHOOL. Because they all get to do it too which means I have no edge and that’s not cool. >:’#
It’s also “not cool” to be jealous of other people’s things happening in life, though. Especially when like... I don’t even know them. AND social media makes it seem like a much bigger thing than it truly is. The only person who’s wedding I’m actually jealous of is N’s, who is having a big gorgeous Indian-American ceremony to an insanely attractive doctor whom her parents set her up with and she fell in love with. It doesn’t help that she’s a photographer and knows their angles, but I just can’t believe how much love and beauty she has in her life I’m so F#!$@&G HAPPY FOR HER. Ok, I’m jealous of her. Super de-duper jealous of the life she’s curated on Instagram for all of us, her followers.
I wouldn’t trade her life for mine, I just wish that my life could pick up the pace a little bit. Like where is the husband? Where is the house? Screw the kids, but where is the beautiful neighborhood and home owners association? I kinda actually have that for the next month and a half with my parents, but I’m on the wrong end of this relationship! I don’t want to be the adult child, I want to be the parent figure to something other than my cats! But I don’t want to pay for a house...
I’ve been thinking about home ownership a lot because... well, because J sells houses and keeps telling me that I should, and because last night Damien said on stream that this is one of his dreams as well. I just... I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Buying a house is not the move for like 90% of the population. I would much prefer a huge condo to a house, tbh. Who the fuck wants to spend time maintaining a house, anyway? Dads? My dad cut the lawn this morning, wtf, why?? Why do people take pride in their grass??? I really, truly don’t get it. All buying a house does is root you to one area, though I suppose that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I’m kind of jaded because my parents got so screwed over when they tried to build their own home. I’ve lived in a house for most of my life and never had any complaints about it (though I was never tasked with upkeep). I have had MANY complaints about apartment life, however. All this to say... I both want and do not want to buy a house. But I think I’ll start moving towards saving money to buy a house sometime in the next year or so. Really want that gaming pc first.
If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on and why?
Couple things! Obviously pay down my debts (student loans, car financing) and that would be 1/3 of the money instantly vanished lol. Next would be to help pay down my sister’s debts: boom another 1/3 gone. Then my brother’s debts, which thankfully are not as high as mine and my sister’s, and I think I’d be left with around $100,000-200,000 for myself. I would buy a few things with that leftover money.
I would squirrel away $10,000 for my dream vacation to Japan! Hire a travel agent and really see what’s out there.
$3,000 for the ultimate gaming computer without waiting for a graphics card to become affordable again! I’d also use another $2000 to get a curved monitor with higher fps for a great dual set up, and six more cool looking mechanical keyboards of various sizes and colors. And maybe a new mouse?
I would go back and purchase ALL of Damien Haas’s merch instead of just the sweatshirt ($70)
Replace all the hubcaps on my car because they’re all cracked and ugly ($300) and replace the weather stripping in the back door ($250). I’d buy all the things I need for my new apartment including dinnerware, silverware, a year’s supply of paper towel and toilet paper, a new Ikea desk, etc.. I would also higher movers to get me to Atlanta instead of forcing my family to be my man power! ($4000 total).
I’d buy my cats a fancy self-cleaning litter box and weekly Fancy Feast meals ($500).
Dang, then I’d put $50,000 towards a new beautiful house in Atlanta and ask my parents to move in with me into their own suite.
My sister would probably ask if I would buy her a car, but nahhh. With her debts paid down she can go buy a car for herself. Or even two cars-- her and her husband make a lot of money together. I’d spend $500 on the hairstylist and products of my dreams to complete several stages of color and toner to get the perfect Beyoncé blonde again, with a deep conditioning treatment and state of the art technology. I think it’s Guy Tang, but I’m not really sure why aside from the fact that he does excellent color and now has his own color line. Oh yeah, that’s why. I just don’t want to deal with his personality. lol
I think in the end, I would spend the money to elevate the lives of my immediate family members. I wouldn’t give any of it away to charity and I’m fine with that. My family deserves the absolute best and I would be ECSTATIC if I got to keep all of my paycheck every month instead of most of it going to student loans (which I need to check the status of before I receive my first paycheck in two months).
It started out with me being in a new apartment. It was shitty than I had hoped for, but it was what I could afford with two cats. However, lucky me, Damien Haas also lived there, and we were friendly neighbors. One day I had borrowed something from him and needed to give it back, so I made my way over there with said object in my hands. When I knocked, he opened the door, but alas could not speak because he was in the middle of a stream! I had caught a few of his streams, so I told him to go ahead and finish it; I would watch from my phone and wait for him to be finished. He thanked me quickly and walked back to his modest setup in the other room, and I sat down on his bed (apparently it was a one bedroom and he treated the living space like a studio while the bedroom was a recording area).
Anyway I didn’t actually speak to him before the dream ended. It was just like... a nice cozy vibe that I was getting from the scenario, much like the nice cozy vibe I get from watching his streams. It really does feel like hanging out with a friend when I get to catch those streams.
I feel a bit embarrassed admitting that a celebrity feels like my friend because I know that’s definitely not how fans and celebrities work, but I feel like I’m more embarrassed of the warm fuzzy feeling in general. I can’t really remember the last time I let my guard down around someone I hadn’t already known for years and it’s feels like learning a foreign language. Somethings I get, some things I don’t get... I’m still reconciling how feeling happy has nothing to do with deservedness bc of recent good actions. I’ve just been like... vibing in this community, and I like it. I’m gonna go watch the vods.
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