Darts et d'Art

shitty reviews of every fucking movie I watch

[dartsetdart]

Eraserhead (1977)

This film is David Lynch at his most Lynchian.

Everything about it excels at making me incredibly uncomfortable. The low register drone of the soundtrack, the awkward acting and dialogue, the fuckin baby. Euuuughhhhhhh.

Despite this, it’s up there as one of my all-time top Lynch films. In fact, I think because it makes me so uncomfortable - it’s one of my favourites. It’s exactly what I go for when I see a Lynch film.

[dartsetdart]

Raw (2016)

Part of a wave of films dubbed the New French Extremity, this film does not hold back on that front.

Like its peers, it is beautifully shot and edited together. It feels like you’re watching an arthouse drama film that has been tinged with intense horror and brutality.

And when it gets into the nitty gritty, it really does not hold back. The makeup work is absolutely incredible and at times made me feel very uncomfortable going on nauseated (especially the scene with the hair; you’ll know it when you see it)

If you’re into fucked up French horror, this is a very enjoyable movie.

[dartsetdart]

Mallrats (1995)

My dad introduced me to this, his favourite movie, when I was about 12 years old. I didn’t understand most of the jokes but something about it stuck with me. I think I watched it at least once a year after that.

It’s now my favourite film of all time (tied with Blade Runner, of course).

I love it so much that if I were to ever get married, you’d better believe I’d propose to the lucky lady on the Universal Tour when Jaws pops out of the water.

I can’t truly explain why, but this movie feels like home to me.

[dartsetdart]

Until the Light Takes Us (2008)

This film is essentially an ‘Introduction to Black Metal 101′

A lot of the content of this documentary I’d already read about in books and online, but it was still very cool to hear it from the mouths of people who were actually involved in the scene.

Any parts involving Fenriz from Darkthrone were entertaining as fuck, he’s easily one of my favourite people in black metal. Without him I feel like this documentary would be very dull lmao

The soundtrack was really good, and not too heavy on the black metal for normal people to be able to tolerate

[dartsetdart]

The Decline of Western Civilization (1981)

This film got my girlfriend who is not into punk at all, into punk.

It was really cool to see all of these punk bands I’ve listened to for a long time, right in their prime performing in dingy venues up amongst the hectic crowds. It’s like seeing a snapshot of a part of history I’m really fucking invested in.

This movie is essential viewing for any punk fan, and essential viewing for punk fans who want to convert their non-punk friends.

[dartsetdart]

Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

See if you can guess my favourite thing about this movie...

If you guessed anything but the pre-boost Low Rider ritual, you were sorely mistaken.

This movie is a must-see purely for Nic Cage and his impeccable acting. He’s a true master of his craft.

[dartsetdart]

Seven Psychopaths (2012)

If you have already seen In Bruges, you know what you’re in for. If not, you should know that Martin McDonagh’s screenplays are incredibly funny and witty dialogue-driven to the point where the films are so dense with jokes it’s incredible.

This film is no different.

I loved absolutely everything about it (especially the casting) and I honestly couldn’t recommend it enough.

[dartsetdart]

The Girlfriend Experience (2009)

Nothing really happens in this movie if I’m being completely honest with my opinion here. An escort goes through the motions of the 2008 financial crisis and bit of a crisis with her boyfriend at the same time.

The upside is that it wasn’t unpleasant to watch, but it just wasn’t really enjoyable either. It was just kind of boring and pretentious.

Sasha Grey’s acting was sub-par which was pretty disappointing as she’s my favourite pornstar lmao (but then again, not because she’s the greatest actor in that field either)

[dartsetdart]

Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)

This is legitimately one of the weirdest films I have ever seen.

I sort of followed along with what was going on, but at the same time - not really?? At one point the dude grows a drill dick and tries to fuck/kill his love interest with it.

You can definitely tell Shinya Tsukamoto is heavily influenced by my two favourite Davids - David Lynch and David Cronenberg, with the intense body horror mixed with industrial visuals and surrealism.

The soundtrack is an absolute fucking goldmine if you enjoy industrial music tho.

[dartsetdart]

Carne (1991)

I don’t know, man. I don’t know.

It’s arthouse-y as fuck and Gaspar Noe to a tee. (Gotta have sex and violence intertwined always)

This is a ~preface~ to Noé’s first major film I Stand Alone (haven’t seen it yet lmao), and I guess in the grander scheme of things this will make more sense - but as its own standalone piece...

I just don’t know man.

[dartsetdart]

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

This is one the few films that walks the fine line of horror and comedy while still being real fucking good on both fronts.

The main praise for this movie that I have to give is to the special effects and makeup. They were legit so incredible that every time I watch this I am not surprised it won an Oscar (shout outs to Rick Baker)

It definitely has its cheesy 80s horror flick moments, but these add to its charm in the end. This movie is up there on my favourite horror movies of all time for sure.

[dartsetdart]

Oldboy (2003)

If you haven’t seen this movie before, don’t look up anything about it past this review and just fucking watch it.

I’m not going to reveal anything besides it is about a man trying to find out why he was kept prisoner for 15 years, and it is one of the best mystery thrillers you will ever see.

It also has one of my favourite action sequences of any movie I have ever seen - all in one shot too.

Just go watch it.

[dartsetdart]

Bottle Rocket (1996)

I liked the movie but it’s just not the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen.

Like a lot of acclaimed director’s first films you can sense greatness but their potential isn’t fully realised yet.

It’s like I was left wanting more, and I’m glad that I know that sense of want can actually be fulfilled with 20+ years worth of more Wes Anderson films where he has mastered his style and craft. His style is definitely apparent in this film though, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not his best by a long shot.

[dartsetdart]

Escape from Alcatraz (1979)

Clint Eastwood plays ~Clint Eastwood~ in an adaptation of the real life 1962 escape from Alcatraz prison. The reason why I say its Clint Eastwood playing Clint Eastwood is because the movie is filled with your usual run-of-the-mill Clint Eastwood badassery and attitude that makes Clint Eastwood so damn cool to watch on the screen.

Tension builds so well throughout the film all the way through to the titular escape (which tbh I was literally biting my nails even though I knew the outcome)

The mood, cinematography and pacing was fantastic enough to solidify itself as now one of my favourite prison break films.

[dartsetdart]

Deathgasm (2015)

This is a super fun watch for metalheads (like myself) especially as there are a lot of jokes specifically tailored for that audience. The soundtrack is reeeeaaaaal good if you’re into that kinda stuff, too.

I really enjoyed this movie despite how dumb it was at times. I think the thing about its dumb moments, though - is that it embraces it. It’s what it was going for. I can always appreciate a film that takes the piss out of itself.

Definitely give this one a watch if you consider yourself a ‘metalhead’. And even if you’re not, give this one a watch anyway - it’s pretty great.

[dartsetdart]

It (2017)

Straight into it, the casting in this was incredible. The Losers Club felt truly like a group of friends you had when you were growing up right down to the proper banter. Finn Wolfhard as Richie absolutely killed it. He embodied the character so well, it was a enjoyable every time he was on the screen.

The special effects for the ᵘʰʰʰ... visions(?) that Pennywise was projecting to the kids were insane as well. They were as vivid and horrific as I pictured them in my head when reading the book.

I didn't really think I would like Pennywise at first (judging off the trailers, sorry lmao) but I actually really grew to enjoy his character.

The only downside to the film I have is the use of jumpscares. There is a few and all of them feel just as cheap and annoying to me as ever.

Other than that, really good film - highly recommend.

[dartsetdart]

Vibrations (1996)

This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Basically, blonde James Hurley gets his hands taken off in an accident, becomes a hobo, meets some ~hip and cool~ people, nerd builds him robo hands, he becomes a techno DJ. Sounds like an Oscar-winning storyline right? I know.

It was responsible for this absolute gem of a scene, though, so I can’t rip into it too much.