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I’ve watched five episodes of Love Life on HBOMax. The following is my rant reflection.

“My dream is your dream.” It’s such a simple statement because when you think about it, this is the way it should be right? I couldn’t tell if it was written in the script with a positive or negative connotation. If two partners support each other’s dreams, then everything should work out right? However, maybe it’s not as easy it seems. Dreams are complexed, and when you’re my age, they frequently change. Some dreams aren’t realized yet early in a relationship. The partner that you commit to might have different dreams from the partner you decide to stay with or leave. I think in many cases, I’ll put my dreams before a partner’s dreams. I would want my partner to accept that. “My dream is your dream” is not very simple at all.

“Traumatizing.” Man, I won’t use this word lightly ever again. After reading about traumas’ effects on adulthood and reflecting upon my life, I realize that most of the time, trauma can’t even be categorized as is right away. At least by the person who experiences it. It’s going to take time to figure out what it could affect after. What we can do now is recognize our past traumas and reflect on how it’s made us who we are. Then we can figure out what we like abut ourselves and what we don’t. I think people are capable change, and this is all part of self growth.

I’ve done a lot growing this year, I believe. I really hope to achieve more through therapy.

#soml #lovelife

figmas

shakeitha-deactivated20190104

what I actually mean when I send the kissy face emoji

When do you feel the most connected and at peace?

Journaling while listening to music has been my go to destress activity. I’ve been categorizing anxiety and depression as stress because they fit the mold. While journaling, I connect with my thoughts and slow them down when they’re on paper, record them a little quicker while typing. While journaling, I feel like I’m listening to myself which shouldn’t be a foreign feeling, but it’s nice to acknowledge once in a while with an actual activity. A few years ago, maybe just a few months ago, I would have said that it feels like talking to myself. I wonder if that shift in perspective means anything.

Because of the listening and the focus on the connection, I feel the peace of mind while journaling. I’m not jumping to future actions and behaviors that I could manifest in this time but rather acknowledging and processing the current mental activity that I have.

I realize that the answer to this question could change over time, and I could have multiple answers in the future. Actually, I think that’s the goal, to multiply the number of the potential answers to this question. I would love to feel connected and at peace more frequently than not. Right now, I am more frequently in stress mode than I am in peace mode. That will definitely change in the future. All part of the process.

#soml

Sara is a really good friend. She’ll check up on me randomly and always asks me how I’m doing and how my relationship is. I don’t think it comes from a place of concern, though she’s been there with me through hard times and understands that I’m not the most open about the bad things.

I’ve been telling her my relationship is going well, and I feel more confident with my emotions now more than ever. I wonder now, if I’ve been lying to her and myself. I don’t where this bad juju is coming from, but suddenly B wants to break up with me. We’ve detected this disconnect between my effort and intention that I put into seeing him and his. I thought it was mainly an effort issue. However, he telling me that he’s gotten complacent with our relationship, and his lack of effort really stems from feelings changing. I mean, if that’s the case, then I can’t really do anything to change his feelings. If it was an effort issue, then I would just tell him to up the effort. Feelings are a whole different ball game. Kind of an untouchable thing. I can’t just tell him to love me more or even try to convince him to. That’s not my terrain. I’m actually tired of that part.

I want to be in a relationship with him but only if there are mutual care and effort. That’s not a lot to ask for right? I guess care is an after effect of emotions or dare I say love.

May sound naive, but I really didn’t see this coming. Sorry Sara (and self).

lil stress ball

favorite color: blue

Details : A Walk at Dusk, ca. 1830-35, Caspar David Friedrich

expressions-of-nature

Greece by Dimitris Tamvakos

I’m so grateful to have never shared the same exact music taste as an S/O. I’ll always have music that feels like mine during the best and worst of times.

#soml

Why does your mind self sabotage?

I am confronting my default response to push people away when things get hard. My mind creates this whole world that antagonizes everything good and turns every little problem into the apocalypse. I think the worst part is somehow subconsciously convincing myself that there is no solution and that the only way out of the problem is to hit the eject button. It’s unhealthy, and it’s hurting people I care about. I want it to stop.

Where is this response coming from? Am I inherently pessimistic? Do I think I am not deserving of love? Is my self worth so low that I can justify the worst possible scenarios to protect my fragile self image? Why can’t I let myself be happy?

I need to remind myself that I am grateful for the people in my life and everything they do for me. I am deserving of good things! Pushing away people shouldn’t be viewed as the road to refuge. It’s the road to abandoning good things that can help you grow. There’s no need to be afraid. There’s no need to justify things that will make you unhappy because you deserve more. You want to fix your problems, not run away from them. You will never learn unless you stop and think of possibilities.

#soml

nevver

Barriers To Intimacy, Olivia de Recat

When you think of me

Put yourself first, they say. Because no one else knows you the way you do.

Sometimes, I put these expectations on people because we’ve spent enough time together for them to know me. And if you were to think of me, you would know how I feel. The real world, unfortunately, doesn’t work that way, and nothing that goes unsaid can be factored into any situation. Am I becoming that bitch that doesn’t say how she feels but assumes her man already knows?

That’s the thing. I kind of am. I’m pretty damn sure he already knows, but he just doesn’t think of me. I don’t know what’s worse: the assumption part or the very real part when he doesn’t think of me.

I think to myself, if he were to think of me, he would know I don’t want to go there. If he were to think of me, he would know I wouldn’t want to do that. He just doesn’t think of me.

You know what’s not a solution to this issue I have? Ignoring him and not bringing it up until a much later time when frustration has built up to a breaking point. What am I supposed to say? “Hey, I feel like you never think of me when you make decisions whether they involve me or not. I would like you to think of me more often. Thnx.” I definitely told him that in different words, but of course, he doesn’t see it in the same way. He thinks I’m bringing up a completely different issue and all I do is complain about him.

Maybe that’s because I think of you.

#soml

1/2/19

I’m finding out that going to raves/festivals is a great cure to sadness from loneliness. It’s these times that make me realize that I love being single, and all I need are my friends and good people. There are so many good people around, so there shouldn’t be an excuse to feel lonely. I’m blessed with such great friends and positive vibes.

Two happy owlets

AHHHHHHHHH

@fawnoir me n u

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