Dating, Mating and Easy Listening

i don't have all the answers. but, if we put our heads together, we will discover that, collectively, we don't know shit. and that might make all the difference.

[datemorebetter]

The Ride of Shame

I had a date the other night with a girl I’ve long wanted to know better. There had been talk about a ride on my motorcycle for some time now and a few nights ago all that talk became reality.  We had a not-unpleasant time. Drinking. Talking. A little more talk and and a little more…drinking.  It got late.  She stayed over.  It was really rather innocent. As innocent as those things ever are.  Early the next morning, I took her home. As we’re riding down the dawn-lit street, my motorcycle acting the part of Apollo’s chariot, a car pulls up next to us. It was Stephanie (not her real name…though I do know a Stephanie, this isn’t that Stephanie). Stephanie and I have been friends for a long time; including a different story that begins with a glass of wine. But I digress.  With coffee in one hand and steering wheel in the other, Stephanie rolled down her window and offered a cheery good morning! She was on her way to work; to do a training. She asked us where we were headed, expecting, I think that we were on our way to work as well; until realizing—once she noticed the tossled hair and wrinkled shirts—that we were probably just finishing our night.  We had a laugh. And it only became awkward once we met at the next light with nothing new to say. Such is life, I suppose. On the bright side, at least I didn’t make the girl walk home. #gentlemanoftheyear 

[datemorebetter]

Find Love by Losing a Friend

Sometimes the best dates you'll find happen to be people who dated your friends.

This sounds like bad advice. Or, good advice if you’re looking to lose a friend. But, hear me out: most relationships don’t last. If you have a shot at a relationship that has real potential, you should take it.

Here are some reasons dating a friend’s ex is a good idea:

You already have a built-in network of friends.

You probably already know him/her and have gotten past the initial getting-to-know you stage.

You don’t have to try to impress him/her because he/she already knows you as a friend. In other words, he/she already knows that you are a [man]whore.

It’s only natural that your good friend is going to like people that might be compatible with you. Consider it as prospecting for each other. Your friend is vetting for you and you’re doing the same for your friend.

How to get your friend to agree to this new arrangement:

Don't tell him/her

Make sure he/she never finds out

Lie. A lot.

Spend extra time with your friend to compensate for the guilt you feel.

(you guys know i'm kidding about the lying thing, right? how insensitive do you really think i am?)

Some things to avoid:

Don’t try to date your friend’s ex before he/she becomes his/her ex.

Don’t try to sabotage a relationship so you can get a shot at it.

Or maybe just date your ex's friends...

[datemorebetter]

The Perils of Premature Disappointment

Years ago, I decided to give this whole “online dating craze” a try. The experience taught me a few things: 1) a good picture is worth way more than a thousand words, 2) the same people that are getting hit on at bars are also the ones getting hit on online, and 3) don't fall for someone you haven't met in person.

You see, as you're getting to know somebody, hopes have a tendency to fill in the blanks. And when all you've got to go on are a few pictures, some carefully-written copy, and a well-crafted email or two, there are a lot of blanks to fill. Which is why you get excited for that first meeting, and why, so often, you leave said meeting disappointed. It's uncommon that anybody can live up to the expectations you have in your head. 

I call this phenomena premature disappointment. 

When you're excited about the possibility of a person, you think that text messages, instant messages, email and phone calls are going to help you get to know the real him or her. You're wrong. By the time you finally meet in person, there often isn't enough physical chemistry to keep things interesting. I'm sure the same thing happened with pen pals of olden time (i.e. pre-internet days).

But it's not their fault. You let yourself get excited with the idea of a person, instead of the actual person. They had little chance of living up to your unrealistic expectations. It's natural, but it can be prevented. 

So, the next time you're excited for a date and then find yourself disappointed once it's over, ask yourself if the problem was the person, your expectations, or just...well, you?

[datemorebetter]

looking good as you age

I was asked the other night about whether men should try to look younger as they age. This from a man that had spiky hair, a trendy shirt and a botoxed face. Age 46. I told him that men who appear to be clinging to their youth with Botox, fake tans and studded jeans just look desperate. That a man's best hope is to embrace a classic appearance, one where aging leads to a distinguished look--as opposed to a desperate one. Am I wrong?

[datemorebetter]

Does bad sex lead women to cheat?

I've heard it said that men cheat for the sex and women cheat for the emotional validation.

I'm not so sure. This is probably because I frequently get approached by women that are married or have boyfriends, but once they have a little alcohol in them, they tell me that sometimes they'd just like to be fucked by somebody new.

Hard.

With no strings attached.

Whips, chains, cuffs and ball gags are optional. But preferred (thank you, 50 Shades of Grey).

The husbands/boyfriends in these scenarios are usually men that are successful, not unattractive and are surprisingly loyal. But if you were to look closer, you'd see that these men are often either very controlling, or yawn-inducingly weak. 

So what comes first, the asshole or the cheating? Does a guy become controlling because he knows his wife is cheating, or does a woman cheat because her man is always making her life miserable? Does a passive man lose his woman because he forfeited his masculine drive for fear of her criticism or disapproval?

The stereotypical notion is that sex is different for women than it is for men. That men disconnect during sex. That they seek an anonymous encounter. They to tap into a dark, carnal self as an escape and a conquest. 

Women, on the other hand, seek connection. They seek unity. They seek intimacy.

And when they're not getting that (and sometimes, even when they are), they just want to be fucked. Hard. Raw. They want wrong. They want dirty. They don't want consequence or responsibility. They want a man that will take charge and push them up against the wall.

They need to feel desired. They need to feel sexy. They need to have fun, romance, life.

And that can happen in marriage; in relationships. But it doesn't always. Or often. And so, after months or years without it, the woman is left to complain, to bury her frustration, or to look somewhere else for the core validation she seems to be lacking.  I find it difficult to fault a woman in a scenario like this.   If a guy gives only the worst of himself to his woman, does he really deserve all of her best?

[datemorebetter]

i really want to try this some time.

[datemorebetter]

how to really get over a breakup

there's no way around it: breakups suck. hard. the pit in your stomach. the ache in the morning that seems to take over your whole body as you wonder if you're ever going to make it without this person. the feeling that you should be making better progress than you're making. the suspicion that nobody really knows how you feel or how much you're really hurting. so what to do? a lot of people will tell you to distract yourself. to try to get this person out of your head. my advice is a little different. you will get nowhere by trying to unlove. the heart is going to feel what it will feel. the sooner you accept that, the sooner you heal. instead of trying to deny your heart what it feels, give in to your heart. let it feel everything it is trying to feel. validate your heart. hug it. fill up a notebook with everything it wants to tell him. or her. love your way through the heartache.

[datemorebetter]

Date Your Ex's Ex's Exes

I met a girl the other night.

She was the ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend.

I liked her.

A lot.

It made me realize that there's an entirely untapped (excuse the pun) resource for potential partners. And it makes sense: if this girl at one point really liked the guy that my ex-girlfriend also really liked, and he really liked my ex-girlfriend, who also really liked me, then there's a good chance that this girl will like me, too.

Finally, those logic classes I took in college are paying off.

Here are 5 tips on how you can meet more people that have dated someone that dated someone that you dated:

Become acquaintances with your ex's ex. You don't have to be their best friend--in fact, it's best that you don't--but the fact that you both dated the same person and the fact that neither of you are dating that person anymore should give you plenty to talk about.

Now that you're sudo friends with your new unofficial dating talent scout, add him or her as a friend on Facebook.

Commence Facebook sleuthing. Don't know how to sleuth on Facebook? I'll be addressing that subject in a future post. In the meantime, give it your best shot.

Make sure you go to parties where you can become friends with people that know people that know the people you want to meet. Be friendly enough that you get invited to their parties.

When you do meet an ex of an ex's ex, be friendly, laugh about your silly coincidence, and be subtle with your approach for getting to know each other better. Any time a relationship looks to have a lot of promise from the onset, it's best to play it cool, lest in your haste for a good thing, you ruin it.

This also works with the exes of your ex's current partner. Just because your ex is still with this person, doesn't mean this person's exes won't be extremely interested in dating you.

Which reminds me, I've got some Facebooking to do.

[datemorebetter]

Is Curiosity Keeping You Single?

Being on a date with someone new can be fun. Especially if you find them attractive. Especially if they seem to like you, too. So, when you're out with someone new and you start drinking a little and start imagining all the great times you're going to share together. The laughs. The passion. The names you'll give your children. It suddenly takes a turn for the worse--by trying to get to know this person, by trying to connect with them, you screw everything up by learning too much *about* them.

It starts with questions. Too many questions. You want to know what makes them tick. You want to find soft spots of vulnerability, to keep you from feeling too vulnerable with them. And they feel safe with you.      Because they can tell you like them. And because you seem genuinely interested in them.        Which you are.

So they share. And share. And talk and reveal.     And it's too much too soon. You didn't need to know that part about their uncle molesting them at a family reunion. You didn't need to know yet that they're on anti-depressants. You didn't need to know that they are severely emotionally damaged from their last partner who cheated on them.

You didn't need to know all this right now—because it's not relevant to the only two things you do need to know right now: are you having fun with this person, and are you attracted to them?

Look, on a first date, don't try to picture the person as a future spouse. All that matters is how you feel with them right now. In the wise words of Billy Joel, “leave a tender moment alone.”

Digging too deep at the beginning is like plucking petals from a flower in order to understand it better and then being disappointed to discover a thorny stem.

Remember, once you've looked behind the curtain, you can't unsee what you just saw. Do yourself a favor and let mystery do it's work.

[datemorebetter]

The Way That Roleplay Gets In The Way

It happens to everyone: Boy meets Girl. Girl tries to figure out what kind of girl Boy likes. Girl then proceeds to be her own version of that type of girl. Boy and Girl date. Boy and Girl pretend to like things they don't really like just to keep the other person interested. Boy and Girl breakup without ever getting to know each other.

It doesn't usually happen on purpose. You meet a new person that you really like and you figure that the real you must like some of the things that this person likes because, well, you really like this person, so clearly there's a side of you and your preferences that you just didn't discover yet. Right? It becomes trickier if that person really starts to like you. Because, who is you? And how can you feel any love or closeness if the person you're with hasn't met the real you?

I remember once dating a girl that was way too pretty to be dating me. And yet, she was dating me. And even more, she was totally in love with me. But I didn't trust it. How could I? I thought she was in love with a persona I had created to make myself seem more interesting to her. I didn't feel like myself--in fact, I didn't even know who myself was for a while there. But I knew something was off. And the harder she fell for me, the less I trusted her feelings; which made me feel even less secure about the relationship. Which made me want out.

So I ended things. It was painful.

It didn't need to be that way.

Now that it's all said and done, I sometimes wonder what might had happened had she been able to date the real me.

But who wants to be that vulnerable?

[datemorebetter]

Edward Doesn't Love You

I've heard of women who break up with men because they "deserve better," that they "deserve to be in love," or that they "deserve to be with someone who loves [them] like Edward loves Bella."

And when I hear this, I think, "do you?" (I also think they're probably having an affair, but I'll save that for a different post)

I get it; who wouldn't want to be loved in that creepy, stalkerish way that the 300 yr old vampire loved the 17 yr old girl? But sometimes, it would do you well to remember that life isn't a poorly-written fantasy series.

It's funny how people seem to find compromise in everything but love. If you were to ask around, you'd find that most people don't love their job. They don't travel as much as they'd like. They haven't pursued even half of their dreams.

And yet, these same people expect to stumble into a fairy-tale romance that finds happily-ever-after ever after every day.

It's possible for these people to find that. But it's more likely for them to win the lottery. 

True love is a rare gift. I tend to think it is reserved for those who learn to love themselves first. And learn to love life. And the beauty that is offered to them daily.

It is then that they can appreciate true love. Appreciate beauty for what it is. See love as gift, and not a need, and not an entitlement.

And when it happens to you, it will feel...like your skin was sparkling in the sun.

[datemorebetter]

Should You Date Someone Hotter Than Your Ex?

We’ve [read: you’ve] all done it.

Tried to, at least.

Say your boyfriend/partner/husband/crush breaks up with you—I know, that would never happen because nobody in their right (or wrong) mind would break up with you—but let’s just say it happens, for argument’s sake.

Ok, so your boyfriend breaks up with you, and he starts dating somebody else. And, let’s face it, she’s not very pretty. Duh. In fact, it’s hard to believe that he’s dating her at all. How could he do that to himself after dating you? Was he really that insecure that he’d have to go to somebody so unattractive, so unappealing? At what point did he lose all self respect?

And yet,             He left you to be with her.

That stings.

Even more so because he seems to be happy with her.

Men. Such pussies. Have to date someone weak and ugly just so they feel better about themselves.

    Well, you’ll show him.

You’ll start dating someone much hotter, much cooler, much more successful than he could ever be. Just to show him that you were the prize and he was the dumbass for getting rid of you.

And so he’ll believe you when you say you’ll never take him back.

Because you won’t. Probably.

     No, definitely. Most definitely won’t take him back even though sometimes it seems like you might not be completely closed to the idea, but he’s clearly shown himself unworthy for someone like you. 

Ok, now, back to new, hot guy. Where to find him? How to hook him? How to be seen in public with him? And then what to do with him once you have him and he likes you and, for some reason, you’re completely bored with him as you realize why he was single and has been single for the last 9 years.

Oh right. 

      This is why you don’t date people for just their looks. Because there’s a certain part of you that wants a partner, not a pet.

I guess it’s back to being good with being alone. But it sure felt good to know that he knew that you could land someone hotter.          And to know that you could be the one to send a supposed “great catch” away.

[datemorebetter]

what to do when he hits on you

Dear Dallas, I am a respectable, professional woman in my late 30's. I work hard to maintain a healthy body and a professional, stylish image. I have a boyfriend that I love very much and I'm not interested in being hit on while at work. But it happens. A lot. Clients, co-workers, etc. I know I should be flattered, but is it asking too much to want to be respected professionally while at work? Respectfully wondering, Ms It's-an-office-not-a-singles-bar

Dear Hit-on, While I do feel so for the suffering you've endured, I would like to start by offering this piece of advice:

Quit your bitching.

I'm not trying to excuse the behavior of men in your office. It is indeed unfortunate that my gender still finds itself unable to not able to control itself when in the presence of a beautiful woman. What I am saying, though, is, lighten up. You're making an incorrect assumption that a flirtation denotes a lack of respect, and this isn't necessarily true. Sure, there is probably a certain level of familiarity they feel with you, or there is a reason why they feel as though they can get away with the behavior, but, why waste your time on that?

If what you really want is to be respected in your career, then focus on your career. Keep working hard. Keep impressing your superiors--attractive people do have a way of getting noticed; use this to your advantage.

And have fun with it. Learn a few good comebacks, like, "I'm sorry, but my boyfriend and I decided we weren't going to let any bald, fat men into the relationship." Wink and poke him in the belly. That should stop him for a while. Remember, this will only continue to happen for a relatively short time.

Someday, you may even find you miss it.

[datemorebetter]

Guys: Don't ask her name - Dating 101

Meeting women is a difficult thing. Not, maybe, as difficult as winning an arm-wrestle against Sasquatch, but pretty damn tricky all the same. And when you do get the courage to approach a girl without any clear invitation, there are a myriad of things that could be the right or wrong thing to say--but how do you know which is right and which is wrong?

I can't tell you what will work for every girl. But I can give one piece of advice that will always be true: Don’t ever lead by asking a girl her name. There’s nowhere for the conversation to go from there. When you start by asking her name, you’re not showing giving her much reason to want to continue the conversation. You're taking, rather than giving. There's nowhere for this conversation to go. Here’s an example:

You: Hi, what’s your name. Her: Julie. You: Hi, Julie. Her: Um, hi. You: … uh...i like...uh...you look good tonight. Her: (exit scene)

If this interaction seems familiar, I want you to know that there is hope for you. I spent a lot of time not knowing how to talk to women, and I thought that a compliment on her shoes or dress and asking her name were really the only tools I had.

I actually still suck at it, but these pointers might help you anyway. Although rather basic, but they still work when approaching someone that is kind and interesting. And if she's not kind or interesting, what's the point in talking to her?

1) If you're funny, lead with a preposterous question: That dress is great, did you make it? And then shut up. Just look at her, waiting for a response. Don't smile. A hint of a smirk will do. She won't be sure if you are serious or not, but her reaction should give you a pretty good indication of whether she wants to continue conversation with you. Of course, there's also just a good chance she'll think you're weird.

2) If you're not funny, ask where she's from. But add a little interest by making a guess first:

You: "You're not from here, are you?" Her: "[smile] Why do you say that?" You: "Your style is better than this place. I'm guessing you're from LA." Her: "You are so handsome and charming, can we kiss?"

3) Just say something. "That beer is looking really good tonight. I like the glass it's wearing."

If a girl laughs at this--or at anything of this caliber, you're in for a good night.

But lines like these can take years of practice (not really...they actually just take about 4 stiff drinks). If this is hard for you--and it's hard for everybody--go to a bar where you don't know a lot of people and just practice. Try not to worry about it. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Remember that these women will never remember you. Probably. Don't try to get a number or get laid or anything. Just try to meet some new people. You'll be amazed at how much fun you can have.

Or at how much you suck.

But, still, you'll be proud of yourself for trying.

In fact, when I sometimes need an ego boost. And I'm sitting at home wondering why bread is always better when it's toasted, telling myself that I should really do something productive like thinking about running, or thinking about doing something with my life, like getting in shape or running, I think, "hey, maybe I'll go to the bar and chat up some hot chicks so that I feel better about myself." And then I do. And it's awesome. 

Not really. But I sometimes think that I will do that. And when I do, it will be awesome.

Happy Hunting my fellow Cubicle Casanovas.

-Dallas

[datemorebetter]

Even Bad Movies Have Good Trailers

There is power in editing. Most great pieces of art, be they film, music or acrylic-on-canvas, require some pruning before they become great. 

So it is with relationships.

Have you ever looked back nostalgically on what you once thought was a “bad” relationship, only to find yourself wishing for the many good times you keep thinking about? That is because our minds, in their remarkable power to mess with us, have a tendency to cut the boring scenes, minimize the bad scenes, and really highlight the best moments.  

Just like the trailer for Thor.

Now, under normal circumstances, this isn’t such a big problem. Sure, it may cause you to get back together with this person until you realize that the sequels are just as bad as the original and that they will never get better (except, of course, in the case of Fast and Furious--I hear they really got it right by #5).

The bigger problem occurs when you start comparing your current relationship with your former relationship: Your current relationship is uncut Reality TV. It includes the mundane moments, the hard times, the unscripted, unedited, live, always-on footage. And, even worse, the Greener Grass Syndrome often can cause your brain to screw up the editing while you have full and complete access to the relationship--making you somehow compound the bad and minimize the good.

Don’t trust it. Don’t walk out of the movie you’re watching just because the trailer of a different movie looks better than what you’re watching now.

More than likely, you’ll be wishing for a refund. 

[datemorebetter]

First.

aw, the first post.

seems like it should set the tone for all the great things that are going to happen on this blog.

but, really, nobody will read it.   not til there are a few followers, anyway.

and even then, it won't really set much of a tone, will it?

i suppose that's how a book is different than a blog--in a book, you earn your readers in the first few chapters. with a blog, well, i suppose you earn them with each post. well, maybe not eachpost, but, well, you get the idea.    you   who  isn't even reading this post anyway.

and that's a wrap.

...sure feels good to get that out of the way.