Ricochet
I realized this weekend that I wasn’t even rebounding - I was ricocheting. I read my (now ex-) boyfriend’s response to my heartfelt request to try to fix what was broken at 2 AM. After seeing that he was not interested in putting in any effort into that process, and knowing I was single again for the first time since November of 2015, I made a Tinder profile and was swiping by 2:45 AM. I told myself that I didn’t need time to process it, because it had been over for a while before we admitted it to each other. I told myself that I was fine and ready to start dating again, because it had been my choice to bring up the possibility that we might need to break up. In less than two weeks, I’d had two first dates and lined up at least three more. I was wearing dresses and makeup and my beloved big hair again. My roommate gave me kickass rainbow ombre hair. I was back in the world and ready for male attention.
But I wasn’t. The truth is, I don’t remember what it’s like to be just me on my own. And I have a lot going on these days. Aside from the break up (read: four days later), my dog was diagnosed with a truly heinous kind of cancer. And I realized I didn’t love my job anymore. There are a lot of things going on with me. And I can’t use dating as a distraction from dealing with them.
I have to deal with my dog’s health, even though I have a plan to get her the care that will extend her happy and health months for up to another year. I have to deal with my impending Quarter Life Crisis where I try to figure out What I Want to Do With My Life now that another thing I thought I wanted to do doesn’t feel right anymore. I have to re-learn how to be just myself, and admit that maybe I was never actually that good at being single to begin with. These are things I can’t afford to ignore and distract myself from through dating people I am not ready to meet. Radical self love take 123098102938127 - here we go.