#DatingSucks

First dates can be painful. I'm easing the pain by laughing it out

[datingcansuck]

I’ve been meaning to write about this date for several months... not because I think I’ll ever forget it (not sure I could ever do that), but just because it was so unbelievably weird I have to write it down to believe it. I met this guy online, and we started texting. The texts were stilted and I didn’t feel like we meshed. But out of curiosity (and that stupid “say yes to life” shit people have been cramming down my throat), I continued to text him. Now he immediately threw down a red flag where 3 seconds after initiating texts he asked to meet up IRL. I immediately answered, “I don’t do one night stands” and he put it off on me that I was being too egotistical for assuming he wanted a one night stand, and he gave me that BS line that he didn’t do one night stands either, like I’m supposed to believe that he just pressured me to meet up immediately after connecting online so we could talk about literature and our favorite flowers? How fucking gullible you think we are??? I stopped texting him shortly after he accused me of being overly sensitive for putting it out there that a one night stand was off limits, and tried to forget about him, but every now and then, he’d text me to say hi, and I’d say hi back, more amused by his tenacity than anything else. One Friday night during the height of summer, I made plans to go to an event, while in the Lyft, he texted me and asked me where I was and let me know that he was in the area and he’d pick me up- mind you, I didn’t ask for a ride or contact with him, but he apparently could read my mind better then I could, and knew that I needed him to drive me to wherever he wanted to take me right then and there. I told him my phone was dying (which was actually true) and that I was going to an event and he was more then welcome to join. He said he’d pick me up afterwards to do something. I wasn’t able to reply “Hell no” as my phone died and I went into the venue. After I got out, while waiting for my Lyft, I kind of looked around to see if any creepy guys were waiting outside to take me home...luckily the streets were clear and free...too clear and free, it took forever to get my damn Lyft and the temperature had dropped—-it was cold and my cute summer dress was not meant for that weather change. Well guess who texted me the next day? He wanted to meet up that night, and again out if curiosity and that stupid Say Yes bullshit, I agreed.

He told me to meet him at a certain bar. I drove there and was a bit early, but I walked in, expecting to find an assortment of people crowding around a hip bar, only to find one person passed out on a couch and absolutely no one else bedside the bartender in the vicinity. Well, with the bar all to myself, I ordered a beer, sat at a table and started texting my friends a status update, when in walks this very large, very unattractive, and very un-like his photograph person. I admit, I’m shallow, I want to be attracted to someone I’m dating, we all do, and that’s why I should never never never violate my rule to go off of full body profile pics, not just head-shots because when they hide their body, they’re showing off a secret, whether it’s a body image or 7 toes on their left foot, something is obviously amiss. I took mental note of the vast difference in perception vs. reality, and continued to finish my text to my friends when he thundered down opposite me and immediately began complaining that the problem with women is how disrespectful they are by texting in front of someone; carefully omitting the tidy tidbit that he was several minutes late which of course isn’t rude at all. I mean...what am I supposed to do, look into space? Try to ascertain just how much alcohol the guy in the couch had to face before passing out on it? I finished my text and he continued to complain, this guy was such a joy to be around. But here’s the kicker, the bartender/with absolutely nothing else to do but tend to the only upright patrons in his establishment, immediately came over to take his order, and he just orders a Ginger Ale. At first, I thought, that’s weird....is he’s some sort of Straight Edge guy, but then...why suggest a bar as the meeting place? But then—the Ginger Ale came, and it all became stone cold heart stoppingly clear... He proceeded to open the lapel of his jacket, take out a flask and doctor his drink. I mean...how fucking classy can you get???? I think my mouth literally dropped open as I saw a real life person in 2017 use a flask — not in an homage to another era—-but as a way to get out of paying a few bucks for some alcohol. He slyly looked at me as though I was in on his secret to rip off the bar he chose for us to meet at, and I think he took my look of pure disgust as interest as he continued to talk. And, not only did he whip out his flask, but he kept adding more of whatever was in it to his drink to make it more and more potent- because showing off how much alcohol you can take is so very attractive to women.

He asked me about the previous night, and I again explained that my phone had died and I had had tickets, and I didn’t understand his plans, when he cuts me off and said. Yeah he waited to pick me up but it’s a good thing that we didn’t meet up as he PASSED OUT in the car that he wanted to drive me home in. I can really pick ‘em, can’t I? So I asked him what he did for a living. Given that he’s sneaking drinks and is over 40 and has several roommates, I’m guessing, that whatever it is, he’s not at the top of his field. Now, if you can’t describe what you do for a living in two words or less, then just be honest with the world and say you don’t have a fucking job and you’re a dead beat who’s not interested in working , just scamming the system, just be honest with yourself—or at least me. He noted several times that he felt an instant connection between us (obviously his sensors were way off) and wondered why he could never move beyond a first meeting. I would loved to have spelled it out for him, but not wanting to prolong the painful evening, I kept my mouth shut. As he continued to complain about women and his life I tried to drown my beer as quickly as possible. When the bartender cane over to ask us if we wanted anything else, I blurted our “NO” before he could order another Ginger Ale and begged for the check. Now, I have a rule that if I’m so incredibly turned off by a guy, I’ll pay my own way no hemming or hawing, just an insistence that I’m going to give the establishment money in exchange for the items I consumed, I’m not offering to pay for them, just myself. I don’t want to owe anyone anything especially if that person repulses me. So I slapped down a $20 bill-which more then would have covered my one drink and tip and should have yielded some change—-when my very classy date grabbed my money, stuffed it in his wallet, took out his debit card and paid the bill not leaving a tip. So basically, I paid him for such a memorable and lovely evening. I was stunned and literally speechless. So while in shock, I grabbed my stuff and started to hightail it to my car, while the asshole trailed behind me. He’s going on and on about how great the evening went (I pity his other evenings that this one was so great in comparison to others) and I’m rushing to get inside the car and get away from him, I say good bye (no, “I’ll see you later” or “it was nice”) just a regular plain “Good Bye” and left.

As soon as I got home I texted him that he should never contact me again, blocked him from my media and I realize that I should have told him what he did wrong so he could never impose his Neanderthalic manners on anyone else...but I didn’t, so I would like to formally apologize to anyone who is unfortunate enough to encounter him. I’m so very very sorry.

[datingcansuck]

I like my job (most of the time).

I like my company (for the most part)

BUT...

I am not my job.

I am not my company.

I don't want to talk about my work on our date.

I don't need to know the nuances of your business.

I know I'm being overly demanding here, but instead of something that'll make me tense and something I've been thinking about for the past 8+ hours...

Make me fall for you, make me laugh, make me enjoy our time together....

Talking about my job isn't going to make me put me in any sort of romantic mood.

[failingatdating]

That’s not how you start a fucking conversation!!!

[menarerude]

the girl thing

guy on a first date, with violent sarcasm: Are you gonna do the girl thing and order a salad?

different guy, also on a first date: Aww, look at you and your cute little side salad.

OK, so first of all:

Second of all:

When did it become a thing to mock girls for ordering salads?

I mean:

A) Maybe I just like salad. Excuse me for not ordering whatever fried-ass thing you just ordered. Also:

B) Maybe I had beer and corn dogs for lunch while I was tailgaiting and now I want some fucking lettuce. ALSO:

C) Salads can be kind of expensive, and are also a complete pain in the ass to assemble at home, so maybe I just want to eat something I wouldn’t normally bother concocting on my own. However:

D) In your own weird way, perhaps you are trying to address the body-image issues that seem to exist in every single girl you’ve ever dated, and which probably drive you crazy–because hey, it’s not like you asked this girl out because you think she’s fugly, amirite? “Eat whatever you want,” you’re probably thinking. “I don’t care! I know you have dessert when I’m not looking!” But dude:

E) This is our first date. You want to see me eat a deep-fried Snickers bar? Wait until you’ve dated me long enough to be there on a day I feel like fucking eating one. Also:

F) If you like the way a girl looks and she orders a salad, you might infer that the girl got to be the way she looks by occasionally eating some fucking salad. Furthermore:

G) If you think I’m ordering salad because I’m trying to prove something (i.e. look how thin and healthy I am!)…trust me, buddy, I’m not doing it to prove something to YOU.

Sixth and lastly:

H) If you are, however obliquely, trying to comment on body image issues, then you are fighting a losing battle against every single movie, TV show, talk show, news broadcast, and social convention that the girl you’re dating has ever come into contact with regarding personal health and beauty. Sorry. We don’t like it, either. It’s basically a bunch of bullshit for everyone involved.

But guess what? You commenting on what we’re eating, especially on a first date, doesn’t make us feel freer about what to eat. It makes us feel like you’re watching and judging our eating choices. And by mocking us for what we eat, you’re participating in a system that constantly tells women their appearances are the most significant part of their being, and that men have a right to scrutinize them for it.

So maybe don’t do that. Maybe just ask us what looks good to us on the menu, and then ask us how we like it once our order comes.

OK? THANKS.

[datingcansuck]

I think we dated the same asshole

[datingcansuck]

I didn’t listen to the signs.

My friend set me up on a date. She wouldn’t tell me too much about it, which wasn’t a good sign.

All I knew was that he was Russian and worked in computer data. I kept asking her if he had a sense of humor, and she kept evading the question. Really not a good sign.

But I said yes.

So we were set to meet for dinner, but my friend changed it to just drinks, to save the potential awkwardness of a long drawn out meal.

A really bad sign.

The date time got moved around a lot, and I was running late to get to the bar. I had texted him that I’d be a few minutes late, and when I got to the bar and saw him, I knew it wasn’t going to be a match.

I had absolutely no physical attraction to the guy whatsoever. And granted some people may become more attracted to people as time wears on, I inherently knew this wasn’t going to be the case.

But I slapped on a big smile, brightened up and cheerfully greeted him.

He was upset that I had come late and it was cutting it close to being able to get the Happy Hour pricing on the drinks.

Yeah, this guy’s a winner.

He asked me if I wanted anything, and I wasn’t too hungry, but I mentioned I was a vegetarian. He asked if it would bother me if he ordered chicken wings, I told him no. And generally it doesn’t bother me when people eat meat in front of me, I know I have a different diet from everyone else and therefore, I’m the one that needs to adjust my sensibilities. What I DO mind, however is that he wasn’t very liberal with the use of his napkin. Chicken wings are greasy and crumbly and I don’t need to see the remnants of your meal on your face throughout the date.

Dirty Dancing was playing on the tv screens, and I mentioned how much I loved the movie. He said he loved the movie too, but he’s never seen it all the way through. WHAT??? A) how do you know if you love something if you don’t know the full thing? B) How have you lived 36 years on this planet (90% of which were in this country) and not have seen Dirty Dancing? C’mon!!

Huge sign!

He then mentioned that he didn’t like to be bothered at work, he turned off his email so people wouldn’t interrupt him, he hated when people stopped him from what he was doing to ask him things. Um….. that’s what’s called being in a company and working towards the goal of advancing the company’s positions, helping co-workers together so you can all achieve the same goal helps the company overall, right?  But he mentioned that they were stupid and who am I to argue his fine-tuned morality?

He then mentioned that his father just died. What do you say to that, except I’m sorry and then wait for the awkward silence that fills the space to ease up? Which let’s be honest, it never really did

So I had basically checked out of the conversation at this time, I had tried to be cute, tried to joke around, and tried to have a dialogue but it wasn’t coming forth. He went on to say that a friend of his had organized a closet and posted it online and that was stupid of her to post it online. I mentioned if she was trying to start an organizing business, it was probably a smart thing to do. He replied a professional organizer didn’t have a complex job implying it wasn't as important as his job because all they do is clean closets and that’s easy to do, I lost it. How dare he make that type of statement. Aside from the fact that these people do work hard and many time complex jobs where they often times have to deal with mental health issues, the arrogance of stating something like that is off the charts. And so what if someone doesn’t have a ‘complex job’ they’re making a living doing something and giving themselves a career that’s benefiting other people, who is he to talk down to anyone’s career regardless of what he perceives as a level of complexity? (Sorry got riled up again) Is the person who works at a grocery store any less significant in their job because it’s not what he deems as being complex? Wait till you’re standing in line for more than 10 minutes wondering what the hold up is, then talk to me about job importance. (Ok, I’m done).

Then he went on to try to find some common ground between us. He was interested in discussing my MBA program. He wanted me to explain what classes were beneficial to my current position and talk about the nuances of the economics classes vs. the accounting classes. You know, the classic romantic stuff that turns every girl on.

He then went on to ridicule our mutual acquaintance and I was out, I told him to wrap it up, I wanted to go home. I went to the bathroom just to get away from him for a few minutes.

I asked him where he parked his car, and thankfully mine was in the opposite direction.

As we left the restaurant, I turned to him and said it was nice to meet him, goodbye. Nothing more.

He texted me a few hours later telling me what a great night he had and letting me know he was up for another date with me.

Talk about not reading the signs.

What date was he on that he thought that was successful?

[datingcansuck]

Proof dating sucks

What does it say about you when you get stood up and you're ecstatic about it?

There's such bliss knowing you don't have to get dressed up, put on makeup, destroy your hair and make awkward small talk for a few hours.

Yeah, I'm probably gonna die alone.

But at least I'll be comfy.

[datingcansuck]

Too much, way too much

Things said to me last night on yet another first date: 1) So what do you want to do on our 40th date? 2) I like spending the entire day at Disneyland 3) I'm interviewing you for the girlfriend position

[datingcansuck]

Don't ask these on a first date...

Things there are no answers to and you don't need to ask on a 1st date: 1) What do you like to do? Or the variation, What are your hobbies? You want a dossier of things I do on my free time? A list in order of importance? Proof of activity? Wanna know the truth? I lay around doing nothing and I fucking enjoy it. 2) What's your longest relationship been? And the follow up, why so short? Yeah let's talk about past relationships and my inadequacies in maintaining them. 3) Where do you work? Why do you need to know the name of my company, it's ceeepy to think you'll stalk me at work and if I worked for a small business that you haven't heard of, what do you gain from knowing the name of the company? 4) The follow up to number 3: Oh you work at X? Let's only talk about your company because you want to talk about work on a first date. And that's all there is to talk about now. I like the product, I bought something there and it sucks, what's your discount? 5) How much do you pay for rent? Seriously, that's been asked a few times. 6) Are you fertile?

Can't believe this even has to be stated.

[datingcansuck]

This one was a doozy

I have insomnia and it got bad the other week. I believe I got 14 hours sleep total in 7 days, and as much as I hate taking medicines, I was desperate and took something my doctor prescribed. I took half of a sleeping pill at 10pm Wednesday night. I barely woke up at 5pm on Thursday, and only got out of bed because I needed to do my laundry. So I was in a weird drug haze. But this didn't stop me from meeting someone on an app where we started chatting. The chat was a bit weird, but at times humorous, it seemed he wanted a serious relationship and he was an orthodox member of the tribe, so I continued chatting with him. And it got weird. Now granted I had taken the sleeping pill and it was probably causing some major haziness, but even in my semi drug induced haze, shit got weird real fast. He randomly told me in his younger days he became a b&e expert. I thought he was joking. Then he showed me a picture of his kid. Scratch that, several pictures of his kid, one was of the kid and a lock where he was learning the nuances of breaking & entering. The other was of his 8 year old son in a shooting gallery holding an automatic weapon.

And then out of the blue, he asked me if I was fertile.

Do people still use that word in 2017?

They shouldn't. Now I realize I should have ended things there but for some stupid (drug induced) reason I didn't. In retrospect, being open to things and saying "yes" more in my life might not be working out too well, but retrospect doesn't mean much in the moment.

So when he asked to meet up and I demurred saying I was tired, I needed a shower, it was late...he persisted and I thought (sleeping pills suck) fiiiiiiiiine I'll give it a try. So I showered slapped on some makeup and we decided to meet in the neighborhood. He initially asked if I'd pick him up so we could drive somewhere together but I'm not a Lyft driver and for obvious safety reasons I said no. There were two things I noticed as soon as I spotted him. In no particular order--because they were both so prevalent-- were the nose hair and the briefcase.

Then I saw the cyst on his forehead, who walks around with a growth in their face? Get it checked out and removed buddy. So let's get to the briefcase. It was smallish, metal and had a combination lock. I couldn't ignore the thing so I asked him about it. He said it had a book in it that he had talked about while we were chatted my, he wanted me to look at it so we could evaluate it during our 'date' (I use the term date in the absolute loosest term possible). Fun. Who doesn't enjoy homework in a date? So we get to the cafe and it's 10 pm and I'm not hungry, he ordered a full meal and I grabbed a lemonade. He continued to talk about his b&e escapades, then he went on about how in HS the rabbis who taught him were super poor, so he and his friends would order them (and then pay them) to pick up 'found' car parts so they could strip them and sell them. WTF?!??!?

So he undoes the combo lock, opens the briefcase and hands me the book. He's read five pages of it, has copious notes and hands it to me to read. I take it, but I'm not sure what to do with it. Am I supposed to read the whole book, just a chapter, skim it?????

How can we have a discussion of a book like this? What was he expecting of me? What social anachronism does this situation belong to?

I've had nightmares of being unprepared for tests and this brought me back to the fear of the dreaded pop quiz. As I'm sipping my lemonade, and he's eating his meal. I'm not talking much, I've pretty much checked out if the whole situation and wanted to go home. So he kept talking and I was half listening. What I learned, aside from his past escapades, was that he didn't really have an education, I have no idea how he earned a living, he mentioned something about algorithms and blah, blah, blah... Until he mentioned that he didn't get along with his parents because they were liberal. This guy was such a prize. Apparently Hillary was the sole cause of the Arab Spring, single handedly killed Quadafi---WHO, he was careful to mention was a "Good Guy." Despite those pesky public executions, detention of perceived enemies, and massacres of his people, Quadafi was a great leader. I was out.

It was time to go home and I couldn't get to my car fast enough..the walk to it was way too long. But I finally got home and relished being away from that asshole. But the next day, he texted me to ask me out again. What date was he on that he thought we had a good time and what signals was he reading that he thought I'd want to see him again? I didn't kiss him, hold his hand or say 'I had a good time, let's do this again'. I was very careful to not say see you again. I told him it wasn't a match, and now have an amusing take to tell.

I'd rather have the three hours of my life back.

[datingcansuck]

I don't get it...

Why are you sending me pictures of your kids when we've only been texting for a few minutes?

I feel protective on behalf of the children that their irresponsible father is posting images of his children online for anyone to see with no care of their safety especially when the children didn't consent to this action.

And, what the fuck am I supposed to say about the picture? Aw...your kids are so cute? Oh, you're sending me more pictures of them...great, it's just what I wanted to see....They're cute there too. I like their...pajamas....

I'm ok that you have them but let's move the conversation away from me trying to say something from images of people I've never met and probably won't get around to.