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Like red dye poured into a can of white paint, incest would color every aspect of my life.

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur #Miss America by Day

My mother had several stories about our childhood that she enjoyed telling. One of them occurred when my sister, Gwen, was ten. She had misbehaved. My father began beating her, as always, in front of us. Finally my mother cried out, “Van, you’re going to kill her.” I’m sure, as a four-year-old, I believed my mother—that he was going to kill her. I’m also sure that we were all terrified by that scene. That my mother enjoyed telling that story still perplexes and hurts me.

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur #Miss America by Day

What made it even worse is that someone did know. When I was five, I was given a huge doll for Christmas. I sat her in a small rocking chair, in front of my large bedroom window. After my father left, I would open my eyes and stare at the silhouette of the doll, sitting motionless in the rocking chair. She had seen everything. She knew… and I hated her for knowing.

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur #Miss America by Day

One night, as a young child, when my father laid on me and forced his tongue into my mouth, I was revolted and completely disarmed. I couldn’t believe what he was doing. His tongue was wiggly and wet with spit. I couldn’t imagine anyone in the world had ever done that to another person. I thought I would die from smothering—not just from his forceful invasion of my mouth but because it involved my face. I had always tried to “go away in my mind” as my father entered my body but when he assaulted my face, for some reason, that allowed him entrée into my “self” and I was unable to escape in my mind. Of all the things my father did to me, this was one the most difficult for me to cope with. The revulsion was overwhelming.

#Miss America by Day #Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur

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The night child tried everything to keep my father out. During the winter, I opened both windows as widely as they would go. My room would be freezing cold. It never stopped him. As children, we took the train to go skiing every Saturday. There was a sign on the train that said “Please go ‘way and let me sleep.” I took the sign and hung it on my doorknob. It didn’t stop him. I didn’t bathe for days. I was smelly and yucky. I wore panties and pajamas. It didn’t stop him. As a teenager, I would wear a Kotex on nights when I didn’t even have my period. It didn’t stop him. ([My sister] told me some years ago that he kept a calendar of our periods.)

daughtertoslaughter

Sometimes I would lie on my stomach, tighten my legs and my buttocks, and bring my arms up across my breasts, tightly against my sides. He would slowly begin to rub my back gently, rhythmically and then slowly he would begin to force his hands between my upper arms and my body. Forcefully. Powerfully. Until his hands were fondling my newly forming breasts. His hands were hot and his fingers pulsated. He breathed quickly and heavily, lost in an almost sexual frenzy. It was about control and winning. I would fight with every ounce of my being to not feel anything he was doing. My mantra was “shut down.” Shut all feelings down. Every time my father said, “Just let go. Just go with it,” I would tighten my body and then I would tighten it more. To “let go” was to feel. He was determined to bring my body to orgasm. (It's so difficult for me to write that sentence.)

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur

The night child tried everything to keep my father out. During the winter, I opened both windows as widely as they would go. My room would be freezing cold. It never stopped him. As children, we took the train to go skiing every Saturday. There was a sign on the train that said “Please go ‘way and let me sleep.” I took the sign and hung it on my doorknob. It didn’t stop him. I didn’t bathe for days. I was smelly and yucky. I wore panties and pajamas. It didn’t stop him. As a teenager, I would wear a Kotex on nights when I didn’t even have my period. It didn’t stop him. ([My sister] told me some years ago that he kept a calendar of our periods.)

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur

He pried me open night after night, lacerating my mind, my body and my soul. Like a delicate piece of crystal smashed into concrete, my father took my belief system, my sense of self, my very soul and shattered it into shards.

Because I had no way to escape and no one to turn to, I dissociated, or, in my words, I “split my mind.” This is the deal I believe I made as a little girl. I (whom I call the “day child”) said to the part of me that was being penetrated again and again (whom I call the “night child”), “You stay here in the bedroom and take all the feelings and pain, all of the humiliation and degradation, and I will go out and ‘be somebody.’ After I’m safe and successful, I will come back for you. I promise.” And so, the deal was struck.

#Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love #Marilyn Van Derbur #Miss America by Day

#mysterious skin #2004

#twin peaks #audrey horne #ben horne

#twin peaks #ben horne

#twin peaks #audrey horne #ben horne

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