Ignore me

I'll feel better one day. Until then...

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I feel unlovable. I can't fathom a world in which someone puts in all the time and effort to get to know me. It isn't worth it. Everything is too complicated. There's too much baggage. I just miss the little things. I miss the butterflies and the excitement. And every time I try dating again I end up feeling like an object or invisible. I want to give up but I don't want to be alone.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I put in an offer on a house and it got accepted yesterday. Unfortunately I'm now beginning to sign stuff and get quotes and I'm trying to tally up all the costs in my head and obviously I knew it would be expensive, I was prepared for that. But still, holy shit it's a lot of money up front. I just feel like I'm back at the Reynoldsburg apartment trying to scrape together enough money to eat and keep the lights on in the same month. I feel like shutting down and going non-verbal. I don't can't feel excited about any of it right now because I just feel sick. My sister (who is also buying a house) is picking out wallpapers and paint colors and I feel like I'm one dollar sign away from the psych ward. I'm trying to remember any kind of coping strategy but all I'm coming up with is doom spiral. I think it will be fine on the other side of these initial costs but god I forgot how truly awful I am with big stressors and life altering changes. Oh and to top it all off, after coming back home after looking at the paint and wallpaper, I completely busted my side mirror against the house. Now it's just dangling and I have to go to my parents' tomorrow so I can be there for the inspection walkthrough. My dad is gonna kill me.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

It's a dull hurt. A not quite emptiness. And I know I could make one phone call, get back on meds, and make it all go away. But there's something about it I like. I think I understand why the moody starving artist cliche exists. I couldn't write before. I had no ideas worth writing down. Now the ideas flow freely. I can write again and I'm not sure I would trade that away. What good is a happy life with no purpose, no creative release?

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

The world is bleak and time is never ending. The carousel never stops turning or what-the-fuck-ever. But at least I can write again.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

Another birthday has passed and I can't help but feel (as I always do) that I am behind in life. I know that there's no set timeline or anything but I can't help feeling this way. I recognize that I hit a roadblock many others don't but now that I'm back on the main road I just feel like the detour could have been shorter or if it happened sooner it would have been better controlled. So now I'm on the other side of the roadblock but I still have a tire that's leaking. All of this dumb car metaphor to say that I feel like I failed, that I'm still failing.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

The hardest part of seeing my sister go through her residency is watching her slowly lose her empathy for the patients and becoming the doctors she complained about. I fear she's losing the passion she had. I have no doubt in her skills or ability. I just hope she never stops seeing them as people instead of just the next case.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

The days tick by and the hopelessness grows. I open social media for a break, something to smile about and I see children ripped in half, governments killing the people they are supposed to represent. I see people I once knew calling for their neighbors to lose their rights and even their lives. The hopelessness grows. It all makes me feel so small. I do what I can but things keep getting worse. I worked so hard to get to a stable point. Now what? I see no world worth enjoying. The future has slipped through my fingers but not because I can't see me in it but because I see war on the horizon. The hopelessness grows.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I know that one day, either in this life or after it I'll have to answer for the things I did when I was younger. Sometimes I fear that I am the villain in someone else's story but I hope I'm no more than a background character. If someone were to question the choices I made in highschool I'm not sure how I would answer in a way that doesn't seem like an excuse. So instead I wont say anything. I'll keep my fingers crossed that if our paths must cross it be only virtually.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

How do I freeze a moment? Just stay here under starlight with my little best friend curled up with me. What if just this once the dog gets to live forever?

[schizospecfaye]

Today in therapy I learned the term double bookkeeping and everything makes much more sense now

“Double bookkeeping is a term introduced by Eugen Bleuler to describe a fundamental feature of schizophrenia where psychotic reality can exist side by side with shared reality even when these realities seem mutually exclusive.”

This is why I can know I’m schizophrenic and still believe my delusions. My psychosis is its own separate reality where everything is possible. Logic doesn’t apply there, I’m unreal, my reality is unreal so unreal things can happen. I know it’s physiologically impossible and implausible, I know it’s a symptom of psychosis and not an experience I share with most of the world, but it’s still real to me

Do any other schizospec folk experience this?

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I'm feeling very ... well I dont know exactly how I'm feeling. I guess I feel like I'm drifting. Like I could disintegrate at any moment. Emotions feel very deep and I'm getting anxious about seeing stuff. It's like if I was part way out of my body. Not quite at the 3rd person pov of my life but on the way there. It's probably just sun downing. But maybe it's the fact that my meds are pretty much entirely out of my system now. I haven't taken them since july 1st. I don't want to give up already. I'm taking a vacation from the meds. So it's probably just sun downing.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I've never been very good with the whole patience thing. Now I'm saving up to buy a house. I can't start truly looking until Nov/Dec. I'd look sooner but I'm stuck in a lease until next April. The idea of my own place being just outside my reach is maddening and I can't explain it. I truly never thought I would be at this stage in my life. I know it won't be a grand house or anything (struggling to even afford somewhere with a driveway lol) but it will be mine. I can fence the backyard for my dog, paint the walls, change the lights. I can make it feel like an actual home. Somewhere permanent. I can finally unpack all of the boxes. I'll finally live somewhere long enough to take my parents' address off my driver's license and I guess I'll have to anyway since they want to move too. Anyway I just feel really hopeful. For the first time in a long time I see a future that isn't so abstract. I still have a lot of abstract things in other categories but this has a light at the end of the tunnel. Since the mortgage will be (hopefully) much less than what I currently pay, I'll be able to save for things like new tattoos, decorations, traveling. I'll be able to live instead of just surviving. I'll get to enjoy a life I have fought myself for.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I feel like I've been quietly mourning a part of me for awhile now. I think my brain has romanticized being sick. I remember how bad it was but I miss it. The familiarity of the cycles, taking care of myself, and god the drug that is mania. Right now I think if I could, I would live in it forever. But I know that if I ever made it back here everyone would be so disappointed. I hate to compare it to addiction but that's what it feels like. I know how bad the worst of it was and yet I want to do it again anyway, I feel wrong without it. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I feel so unregulated and awful right now. I am in the office at my work and feel like I could scream and burst into tears at any moment. I feel so restless but I have a desk job. I need to go home. I need to lay under my weighted blanket and watch a comfort show or movie. I need to listen to my Calm playlist. But I cant. I messed up my schedule yesterday and I have missed so many days recently from being sick. If they don't fire me in my 1 on 1 meeting tomorrow then I'm going to at least be written up. I can't leave today. I dont have anymore PTO from being sick. I have to be here for 4 more hours and I feel like crawling out of my skin. Why has working been so hard lately. I feel like I'm regressing or getting worse and then I google if my symptoms are normal for schizoaffective and then I feel like an imposter who only feels this way because I googled it.

[schizospec-culture-is]

Schizospec culture is being addicted to the downward spiral while desperatly clawing your way out because you still need food and housing so you can't let the shadows win- you have work in 2 hours.

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[daydreamsofbeautiful]

Honestly going through the schizospec tag is so validating because yes there is always an internal struggle of wanting to get better, to be better and on the other side, wanting to crawl into the darkness and let the illness take over. It feels like it would be easier even though I remember what it was like.

[daydreamsofbeautiful]

I just learned that it is incredibly common for schizospec people to read really slowly and have dyslexia like symptoms. That explains why I read so well when I was younger and then in my 20s I can barely get through a chapter. I love stories, I want to be able to read but it's so difficult I just stick to audio books and read aloud softwares. I swear I learn something new about this disease every day. It's validating but also makes me want to scream because everything ends up being SZA.

[schizospec-culture-is]

Schizospec culture is that you knew for years, but coming to terms with not being able to be sane, it still hurts. A lot.

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