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gotta hear me out || sick Akutagawa w/ caretaker Atsushi - chapter 3 of ??

ao3! 4.8/15k - please refer to the tags in the link for content + warnings! sicktember 2024, day 30: past prompt (2022, day 27: sleepless night)

Atsushi can't ignore the lump in his throat. He almost wonders if he's nauseous himself now, but he's pretty certain it's just some weird, anxious feeling that he can't push down.

Is it because he's worried about Akutagawa? Is it the lingering concerns over his lung illness, or a worry that he'll need to be hospitalized? He doesn't know. Maybe it's everything.

He manages to get Akutagawa back to bed after a half hour or so of him laying on the bathroom floor, almost half asleep. He didn't say a word, didn't complain of the taste or tell Atsushi to leave. Atsushi wonders if he's avoiding speaking to quell the nausea, although he's not sure that would work in this situation.

Atsushi finally manages to get a temperature on him, too. He doesn't make him move, he just slides the thermometer under his tongue with little to no reaction from Akutagawa, and it beeps after a few seconds. A hundred and one point one. Not as bad as he was thinking.

“Still nauseous?” Atsushi asks him as he sits down on the bed, the opposite side from where Akutagawa is laying. He's still staring at the ceiling, miraculously still awake despite how exhausted he appears to be.

“It's just - cramping, right now,” he groans quietly, shifting slightly in his discomfort, eyes screwing shut as the cramps roll through his stomach. He imagines that's because there's nothing left in there for him to throw up, and his stomach is finding other ways to retaliate, but he's hoping the medication will kick in sooner rather than later.

The thunder is getting worse.

Atsushi sees Akutagawa flinch at the sound of it again, and this time he's sure it's a result of the thunder. He's never seen him react at all to loud noises, so this seems out of character for him, but maybe it's just because he's too exhausted to fight it.

Atsushi lays down on the other side of Akutagawa’s bed, with no complaints from the latter. He doesn't want to leave him yet, not until he falls asleep, and he's sure that his nausea is better. At least he knows his fever isn't dangerously high, despite how warm his skin feels and how pink his cheeks are.

He's quiet for a while, trying to ignore the rain, the thunder. He's sure it's not nearly as loud for Akutagawa as it is for him, and Atsushi can usually tune it out, but the silence that he's faced with between the two of them forces him to face the noise.

“Are you scared of thunder?” Atsushi asks him. It slips out when he sees him shiver again. He's not really sure if that's something he should ask out loud, but he stands by it in the end. It's just an innocent question.

“Don't ridicule me,” Akutagawa mumbles quietly, not raising his voice above a whisper, even in the slightest.

“I'm not,” Atsushi tells him, “I am too.”

Akutagawa turns his head just a little to look at him, with an expression Atsushi can't quite place. It's almost like he wants to say something back. Something of understanding, something meaningful maybe, but he turns his head away too quickly for Atsushi to figure him out.

“Of course you are. You're a coward,” Akutagawa huffs out, almost under his breath.

“Always gotta find a way to put it back on me, huh?” Atsushi says to himself, very aware Akutagawa can certainly hear him. “You know you're calling yourself a coward too, then.”

He doesn't have anything to say about that. Atsushi doesn't know if he was aware of that already or not.

They're quiet again, and it's raining a little less, enough that Atsushi can hear Akutagawa’s breathing. It's never sounded good or normal to him, but now it's uneven, a sign he's still in pain. Every now and the he holds his breath, presumably to try to will away the pain from his stomach cramping, but he's not tensing up as much anymore. That's good.

“The cell they kept me in sometimes had this…gated window at the top,” Atsushi starts, sharing the memory with Akutagawa as it comes back to him. Akutagawa doesn't move his head. “I hated thunder, and…it was so clear there when it stormed. It echoed. And it rained in through the window. I had to post myself up in a corner so that I wouldn't get soaked, but…that never lasted long.”

Akutagawa doesn't say anything at first, but Atsushi can tell he's listening. He keeps his gaze forward and at the ceiling.

“That was a punishment,” Akutagawa says, realizing it without Atsushi saying it out loud.

“I think so. Looking back on it,” Atsushi says quietly.

“You're not afraid,” Akutagawa tells him. “It's just the association.”

“Yeah…yeah, maybe you're right,” Atsushi agrees with a quiet sigh. He hadn't thought about it that way before.

“Maybe we are the same, then.”

Atsushi's surprised to hear him say that.

Their conversation seems to end there. Atsushi was hoping he'd be able to get Akutagawa to open up some, but in the end, all he learned was that Akutagawa's fear is just a negative association too. He wonders from what, or where, when - Akutagawa surely wouldn't tell him, but maybe one day, one conversation, they'll get there.

Akutagawa turns over on his side after a while with a quiet, pained groan. He's been okay for the past half hour, at least. Atsushi doesn't think his nausea has gone away completely, but it's definitely not as bad right now.

“Do you think you feel okay?” Atsushi asks, sitting up from where he was in the bed as Akutagawa pulls to covers over his shoulder.

“I'll be fine,” Akutagawa insists. That's no answer to how he's feeling right now, and really, it means nothing at all - but at least his fever isn't terrible, and he's not actively in pain from his stomach. Atsushi hopes this is all a good sign. Maybe he's getting better, and he can actually feel good.

“I'll be in your living room, then,” Atsushi tells him, sliding off of the bed. Akutagawa doesn't reply or make any indication that he's heard him, but Atsushi decides he'll keep the bedroom door cracked open, just in case he gets sick again.

Atsushi lays down on the couch and stares at the ceiling.

There's a particularly loud crash of thunder then and there and he flinches so hard that he almost falls off. He groans to himself, taking a pillow and using it to cover his ears. He won't be able to sleep like this. He wonders if Akutagawa will be able to.

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He realizes he hasn't checked in with Dazai yet, and that's probably him now. This is typically the time of night where he gets bored and starts bothering everyone who's still awake.

He's surprised to see that Dazai's followed up, really, but the wording of his question embarrasses him. His cheeks heat up, realizing he's stayed the night at Akutagawa’s place and not told anyone at the Agency. And of course, Dazai is the only one who knows.

Atsushi's holding his breath, sending those texts. He's always going to be too anxious about getting in trouble, even though Dazai's never been the type to reprimand him over things.

Atsushi sighs. Good on Dazai for taking care of that for him. Kyoka worries about him a lot, he would hate to have disappeared on her without a word. He's sure Dazai fed her some excuse for Atsushi's absence, but he's not sure Kyoka would believe it.

Atsushi sighs to himself. Where does he even begin?

Dazai's suspicions were confirmed, Akutagawa is in fact, not well - he's very sick, actually. He tries to line up everything in his head. Fever, but not horribly high. Headache. Sensitivity to light and sound. Vomiting, of course, and unbearable nausea that makes him gag and retch regardless of how little is left in his stomach. Pretty bad stomach pain. He's coughing, too, but it's hard to say if that's worse or the same he normally deals with from his illness, but it definitely doesn't sound good. He fainted, too, and Atsushi has no idea why exactly, but there's several factors contributing to that. He hasn't eaten in three days, so it's been at least that long since he got sick.

It's probably a stomach flu. He needs IV fluids for sure. Some sort of injectable medication for his nausea would help him be able to eat something. He needs a doctor. Atsushi has reached the end of the line for what he can do here, but Akutagawa is a wanted criminal. He can't take him anywhere without him being arrested.

And he wonders if he should even care about that. Akutagawa is a criminal. He’s killed people. Just because he hasn’t since he made his promise doesn’t mean he’s absolved from that.

But for some reason, Atsushi doesn’t even consider it an option.

He's sure Dazai would know what do to, but should he involve him?

He decides to sneak into a little coat closet right at the front door of Akutagawa’s place, so that his voice won’t wake him, and calls Dazai before waiting for a reply. He couches down in the curner of the tiny closet, not much bigger than the closet he sleeps in, the coats hanging above draping over him. He imagines Akutagawa would find this sight ridiculous.

It rings a few times, and for a moment he worries Dazai won’t pick up, but he seems to change his mind at the last second.

“Atsushiii. Bad time. I'm super busy,” Dazai tells him with a little sigh.

Atsushi considers apologizing, except, it’s three in the morning. “What would you even be busy with?”

“I'm watching American reality TV. It's very important,” Dazai insists. He’s either teasing him or lightening the mood, sure, but Atsushi is too stressed about this situation to bite.

“What should I do if it gets worse?” Atsushi asks him, deciding to ignore the comment altogether. Dazai knows the mafia better than anyone. He's sure he could point him in the right direction as far as treatment goes, or at least get someone else in the picture here. Atsushi can only do so much.

“You said he's got a stomach flu? Throwing up?” Dazai asks.

“Yeah, but…it's a lot of things. He’s in a lot of pain, I think. And he passed out earlier. And he's not just throwing up either, he can't keep anything down. He won't try any medicine. Or water,” Atsushi sighs to himself, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to keep his voice quiet, “and he's got this deep wound on his shoulder too. Definitely infected.”

Dazai just sighs, pausing before he continues their conversion. “It's never just one thing with him. And his sister isn't home?”

“No, he said she's been gone for a while working,” Atsushi says. Atsushi has only met her one time. He doesn’t have any idea of how close they are, he just knows they live together.

“The Port Mafia has an infirmary he could go to,” Dazai says, sounding exasperated this time, “and he knows that. I'd say take him, but he won't let you do that and you can't enter the building anyway. You might be better off just dropping him at an extraction point.”

Atsushi bites his lip. “I don’t…I don’t think I can do that, Dazai.”

Dazai’s quiet for a second. “I’ll see what I can do. Just give me some time to figure it out, there’s not a lot of people I can call at three in the morning.”

“Okay…yeah, that makes sense,” Atsushi says, pulling his knees into his chest, hoping that something can get figured out sooner rather than later.

“I'm gonna get back to my very important thing now,” Dazai announces. “I'll let you know if anyone bites.”

“Okay, yeah, sure,” he says, and he hears Dazai start a goodbye, but Atsushi can't get Akutagawa’s earlier words out of his head. His claims that Dazai doesn't care about him, beyond his ability.

Is that true?

“Dazai?” he starts, just before Dazai hangs up, he thinks, blurting it out without thinking it through.

“Yes?” Dazai replies curiously.

Atsushi isn't even sure how he would word the question. Even if he was, he couldn't guarantee any honesty on Dazai's part. Dazai is always so cryptic and mysterious with his wording, intentionally or not, it's doubtful Atsushi would get a straight answer out of him, even if he would tell the truth.

Why does he want to know? Is it just to dispel his own discomfort about the idea that Dazai only views Akutagawa as a tool?

Atsushi has never felt that Dazai feels that way towards himself, so it's jarring to hear that from another person, but Dazai has never given him any reason to believe the thinks any differently of Akutagawa than what he described.

He bites his lip.

“Nothing,” he says, deciding that in the end, it isn't worth it. He doesn't know a thing about their relationship, really, beyond their connection in the Port Mafia.

He doesn't want it to stay a mystery, but it's not his place to pry.

“Night night, Atsushi,” he tells him.

“Good night,” Atsushi says back, defeated, and the line goes dead.

So now, he's sitting by himself in Akutagawa’s coat closet, stuck with his own over-complicated thoughts about all of this. He’s not sure how to feel, what to think, but he realizes in the end, this is between Dazai and Akutagawa. Atsushi has barely known either of them for a few months, whereas the two of them have much more history, things Atsushi doesn’t even know the first thing about.

He isn’t sure how much time passes at first. He’s just sat in the corner of the closet, knees at his chest for a while, trying to sort through all the information in his head, before he decides it’s giving him a headache to keep thinking about it, especially with the minimal sleep he’s had.

All of the thoughts quickly dissolve when he hears sounds he doesn’t recognize coming from Akutagawa’s room.

He scrambles to get out of the closet and run towards the bedroom, because whatever it is, it’s not good. It sounds like an altercation, which he feels like is nearly impossible. He would have heard if someone got inside.

There’s stab marks in the door, Atsushi realizes, because he reaches forward to turn the doorhandle. His heart drops into his stomach, but the answer comes quickly to him when he finds himself dodging shards of fabric slicing through the door.

He’s using Rashomon, but Atsushi doesn’t have any idea why he would be doing that. Maybe he realizes that Atsushi is at the door and he’s trying to get him to stay out, but Atsushi noticed the stab marks before he got there.

Atsushi manages to open the door without getting stabbed, thankfully.

Akutagawa is barely propped up over the side of the bed, retching into the bin on the floor, choking up thin stream of vomit that his stomach seems to be forcing up regardless of whether or not there's anything left. Atsushi feels horrible. He didn't seem to be this nauseous before he forced him to eat, and now he must feel a hundred times worse than before. The medication he took only helped him long enough to fall asleep, which is better than nothing, but now he’s cearly worse.

Atsushi just crawls into his bed next to him and rubs his back, because it's all he can do other than feel guilty. He doesn’t see any sign that he’ll attack him, at least not right now. Akutagawa gags a few times over the bin, not able to bring up much more than spit, but his stomach seems to be trying so hard to make him sick that he gags anyway. A little burp he manages brings a wad of spit and bile with it.

He groans quietly through his stomach rolling through one painful cramp after another. He imagines it hurts a lot more now with his stomach being so empty.

Atsushi wonders if he's not completely conscious right now, because he hasn’t reacted to his presence at all.

“Akutagawa, are you -”

Atsushi feels the fabric of Akutagawa’s sweater wrap around his throat, and another pierce through his shoulder.

It happens too quickly for him to react properly. He screams out from the pain and all he can do is slow down how quickly he's choking him by attempting to pull back the fabric with his transformed tiger arms.

“Akutagawa, it's - let…go - !” he manages to choke out. He doesn't understand at all where this is coming from. He's well aware Akutagawa doesn't want him here, but he's literally trying to kill him right now. Atsushi can't breathe.

In a last-ditch effort, Atsushi throws himself forward, arms stretched out either the intention of throwing Akutagawa off of the bed, and it works. He loses his balance and his focus, the fabric coming loose, and Atsushi nearly chokes when he can finally breathe again.

It's a really strange use of his ability. He thinks if he wanted to knock Atsushi out, he would throw him against the wall, stab him somewhere vital, and not slowly choke him out like he was just doing. It makes him think it wasn’t intentional, or even, that it was amature.

“You can't do that,” Atsushi tells him desperately, scrambling to get off the the bed at his side, his tiger appearance still maintained. His shoulder screams from the pain of being stabbed. Atsushi’s never had a good pain tolerance, and he’s thankful to be able to heal himself with some time, but it’s still unbelievably painful.

Akuatagwa’s on his side, trying to get himself off of the ground, breathing heavy and coughing over the floor. His eyes are wild, he’s covered in sweat and he looks a thousand times worse than before.

“Are you - are you hurt?” Atsushi asks, concerned that he’s pulled a muscle of dislocated something because he’s stiff and can’t sit himself up properly, but the sound of Atsushi’s voice sets something off in him and the fabric from his sweater shoots over at Atsushi, followed by a look of terror on Akuatgawa’s face that he’s never, ever seen before. His wide, fearful eyes against his ghostly pale face are almost painful to look at.

This time, Atsushi was prepared to be attacked, and he pins Akutagawa back down to the ground, his tiger arms against both of Akuatgawa’s upper arms. Akutagawa barely tries to struggle against him, but he doesn’t need to, Rashomon simply starts to wrap itself around Atsushi’s neck again, his chest, and drilling another hole into the arm on the same side of his injured shoulder.

“Akutagawa - stop! It’s me, dammit - !” he cries out, trying desperately to ignore the pain he’s causing him through grit teeth, but he doesn’t loose the gaze he has locked with Akutagawa. He doesn’t know what’s going on with him, but something’s not right with his eyes. Atsushi doesn’t think he’s all there right now.

“Let go,” Atsushi begs, trying not to choke with how his throat is being squeezed, “please, I’m just - I just want to help you.”

“Where…” he breathes out, sounding like he doesn’t have enough air in his lungs to speak properly but still trying to sound angry “where is she?”

“What?” Atsushi starts, feeling the grip around his neck loosen up just enough for him to be able to breathe and speak, but he stays fully aware that Akutagawa can simply decapitate him at any time. “Where is who?”

“My sister,” he manages, and any sign of anger had completely melted into fear. “She’s - she’s gone.”

What is he talking about?

Atsushi hasn't seen him with a cell phone this entire time, there's no way he suddenly received information that way. And what does he mean gone? She's not dead, is she? There’s no way.

“Hey - Akutagawa, hey,” Atsushi says, his tiger paws melting away and leaving just his hands gripping Akutagawa’s shoulders and keeping him pinned against the ground. He tries to steer clear of where he knows that injury is. He's shaking. Atsushi can't tell if it's because he feels cold or he's afraid, but his skin is burning, he can feel that much easier now with just his hands.. His fever's up. “What do you mean?”

“I can't…I don't know where she is,” he tells her, his voice quiet. “It's been days.”

“You said she was out working, remember?” Atsushi tells him, but that only leaves Akutagawa looking more confused. That doesn't make sense. Akutagawa is the one who told him that she was working. He didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that he hasn't heard from her, so Atsushi assumed it was a regular thing. Why is he so worried all of a sudden?

Akutagawa's eyes are wild. Atsushi can't process everything he's seeing. He's worried, confused, scared, Atsushi's never once seen him act like this, he's almost mirroring his emotions. But he can't when Akutagawa feels this way.

He looks like a child, almost.

“You know she can fend for herself, don't you? I've seen her hold her own. She's pretty good,” Atsushi tries to convince him. He’s only ever seen Gin a handful of times, but he knows she’s a very skilled assassin. He’s not sure where all of this worry suddenly came from. He doesn’t know much abou their relationship at all, but Akutagawa doesn’t seem like the type to worry this much about anyone.

The eyes he's staring into don't look like Akutagawa's eyes. They're brighter, but full of fear, confusion.

He thinks he might be reliving an old memory through a nightmare. Atsushi's done it before. Poor Kyoka is always subjected to it, but he never imagined that Akutagawa suffers from this sort of thing, too. He always sounds so put together when he's talking about his past, like he has it all figured out.

Atsushi realizes that he doesn't really know the first thing about what Akutagawa went through.

“Come on, I’m gonna help you back to your bed,” Atsushi tells him quietly.

The blood from the open wounds drips onto the floor and Akutagawa’s arm. He watches his eyes follow the drip up to where he’s currently causing the injury, and as soon as he notices it, he releases his ability completely. Atsushi doesn’t waste any time, he shifts himself to be able to scoop Akutagawa up off of the floor without much incident, to lay him back on his bed, but he sits himself up and scoots away from Atsushi, still not entirely convinced he’s safe, it seems.

Atsushi doesn’t know what to do. Kyoka usually comes out of her episodes of this fairly quickly, but she also isn’t prone to attempting to kill Atsushi. Akutagawa is.

“I think you had a bad dream,” Atsushi says to him, sitting at the edge of the bed, only a foot or so away from Akutagawa. He isn’t very happy about that, his eyes darting around at each muscle of Atsushi’s the moves like he’s fully expecting him to launch forward and attack him. He’s holding his breath.

Atsushi scoots himself onto the bed so that he’s sitting across from him, and the movement makes the injuries of his shoulder sting, healing slower than usual because of how little sleep he’s had. He hisses through his teeth, trying to not make it too obvious, but Akutagawa catches on.

Akutagawa’s eyes are fixed on the blood staining Atsushi’s shirt, and the red is slowing down as the wound slowly starts to close.

“It’s fine,” Atsushi tells him, laying a hand over the spot on his shoulder, which definitely feels worse, “I can heal myself, remember? I’m more worried about you.”

Akutagawa drops his gaze a little, his attention turning away from him, anything other than Atsushi. Atsushi doesn’t think he can leave him alone again. He’s worried about his safety. He doesn’t know if he thinks someone’s after him or what’s going on there, but he can’t be by himself right now.

He moves closer, trying to test the waters and make sure Akutagawa trusts him enough right now to be near him. He doesn’t know if he doesn’t recognize him, but he know he wouldn’t hurt Atsushi if he’s okay enough to trust him.

He’s only inches away from him, and Akutagawa’s eyes are wide with confusion, but he doesn’t back up, and doesn’t try attacking him again. It’s a good sign, and Atsushi can’t afford to lose that progress.

“Hey,” Atsushi murmurs, without thinking, laying his forehead against Akutagawa’s and gently placing a hand on his cheek.

To his shock, Akutagawa does not immediately decapitate him.

“You're safe, okay? And, I don't know where your sister is, but I know she's safe too.”

His eyes are shining with tears, hardly able to breathe properly with how he's worked himself up, confused but comforted by Atsushi's words. Atsushi’s really worried about how hot his skin is, and he’s fairly certain his fever going up had played a huge role in what’s just happened with him.

But they’re making progress, at least.

“You think you can lay back down?” Atsushi asks. He needs him to calm down, rest, not feel so worked up.

Akutagawa just nods, letting Atsushi guide him back down. He’s curled tight in on himself, still not a hundred percent trusting but better than nothing. Atsushi rests a hand against his cheek, hoping maybe it was just the angle that made his skin feel so hot, but it really is that way. He moves it to his forehead to double check, but it doesn’t change.

Atsushi needs to get something to help his fever go down. A washcloth or something, at least for some relief. He must feel miserable like this.

So he slides himself off of the bed, but he feels something pull on his sleeve before he manages to stand up. He thinks he’s caught it on something, but when he turns his head, he realizes it’s Akutagawa.

“Don't leave,” he begs, his grip on Atsushi's sleeve so weak it hardly holds. His eyes are bright from his fever against his red cheeks, and he doesn’t look so afraid anymore, but it’s still there. That look.

Atsushi feels like his heart is being squeezed. He's never, ever seen him like this before. He almost seems like a completely different person.

“I just wanna get you something cold for your forehead,” he tells him. “You're really hot.”

“Please…come back,” he breathes out quietly, his eyes falling shut, and his grip loosening completely.

“I will. Promise, okay?” Atsushi tells him, biting the inside of his lip.

He’s fast. He takes a bowl from his kitchen and fills it with cold water, with a washcloth or two to rotate on his forehead and keep him cool. He’s faced with the dozen stab marks in the door and decides he’ll need to address that later.

Atsushi leaves the washcloths and water on the nightstand, because Akutagawa is curled onto his side and shaking, not close enough for Atsushi to reach him.

Atsushi climbs into the bed beside him, a hand on his shoulder, not sure if he’s cold or if this is something else, but he doesn’t attack him, not even attempt. He's still breathing really hard, almost panicking but not quite.

“Hey,” Atsushi tells him, worried he’s about to be faced with a similar situation, but Akutagawa doesn’t move to hurt him, his arms just tighten around the pillow in his arms.

He coughs and dry heaves a few times, unproductively. Nothing comes up but the saliva that pools in his mouth. Atsushi moves to pick up the trash bin from the floor, expecting him to vomit again, but that seems to be the last of it right now, at least as far as productively vomiting goes.

Atsushi takes one of the cooled washcloths and wrings out the majority of the water. He lays a hand on his shoulder to try to get him to lay on his back, and surprisingly, he obeys. Atsushi’s gentle, careful, laying the washcloth over his forehead.

Akuatagwa shivers at first, but a few seconds in, he relaxes enough to close his eyes.

Atsushi thinks he’s got it under control, for now. Despite his blood soaked shirt, the splatters of blood on the corners of the bed sheets and the floor, the stab marks in Akutagawa’s door - those are things he can revisit.

He watches Akutagawa closely until he falls asleep. He won’t leave him this time.

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