roll call
I had to get on tumblr to find some old film photos someone requested and ended up reading some old stream of consciousness posting I did years ago when I first moved to LA.
Mostly complaining about jobs not working out, one really bright post about hearing Danny Brown drunkenly giving advice to me about success/quantifying success/how people use Posting to quantify their success to others and how that's not inherently a good thing normally
But I guess that's true because I only ever came here to yell at god and put my hubris on display, which I only did like twice 5 years ago. Coming to the infinite sandbox to scream about things to simply transfer the energy to somewhere it could be buried is considered therapy, I guess
I am 30 years old, almost 31. I think I was 23 and 25 when I was coming here to complain previously. I got burned a lot early on, but in hindsight I was doing fine. Obviously, in the moment of emotional wounds still being open, theres the necessity to churn the things that make you feel bad out to physically feel like they're leaving your body. it's sorta how when you bump your head your immediate instinct is to crane your eyebrows and wince and put your hand on it and pretend your in a cartoon, even if nobody's watching. Me coming here to vent even though I don't think there are many people who I know who hang around here.
I worked a job for a twitch streamer who I've done semi-consistent work for in the last year. it's nothing I'm super proud of or think is that good, it's just a nice opportunity and a good look with good sponsor names attached that I can put on a resume. The producer accidentally put me on the wrong shift and I ended up having to work 8pm-8am two days in a row and I was extremely salty, but I was made saltier because I sacrificed a chunk of my shift to help commentate renowned guitar hero savant acai show off a game called yarg. why do I name a name there but not at the beginning? Don't know.
The producer gave me a stern talking to at the beginning and it soured my mood and made me not want to be there. The shift was at such a bad hour and there was essentially nobody on site that I could talk to or complain to, along with the internet. As the hours shifted more towards the eastern day beginning, I ranted and vented and screamed and typed to as many people as I could about the people who've wronged me and how everything should've gone as Y and not X. Most people hit me with some sort of ideation of That Sucks Man and that's about it. I eventually got over it enough and the work day was finished.
But now I'm sitting here, two days later, reading about the other complaints I had in my life and the people who wronged me 5 years ago. I've always tried to adopt the sentiment that the overwhelming majority of Bad Things and Inconveniences that happen to you are to be forgotten within 10 minutes of them happening. Usually somebody cutting you off in traffic, a friend sending you too many posts on instagram, or a teammate in a video game not doing the thing you asked them to do.
I think the things that are happening to me that I find frustrating enough to type angrily about are definitely not quantified as a 10 Minute Bother, but maybe some sort of middle between that and Actual Grievance Worth Dwelling On. Maybe there is a third thing in the middle. I don't know if there's a name for it yet, but I think that middle thing is a sort of Test or Lesson to take to heart, but to not let drive you insane.
Being fired from an employer definitely seems like Thing Number Three, but I think it's more of a middle thing, as long as it isn't inherently putting you out of the street. Some of my last posts were about getting hired by JPEGMAFIA and how I thought that my life would improve from that. It did, seemingly as I decided to not post on this website for 5 years.
He didn't fire me, but we both independently came to a conclusion that we didn't jive anymore. I was planning on formally quitting, and he left me off that final tour. I complained a lot about that situation (rightfully so) to so many people, feeding them evidence that he was crazy and I was perfectly normal and perfect and did nothing wrong.
Lots of the last 2 years since our split, I thought very angry thoughts about the situation. Essentially everyone took my side (except the weird people who still like his posts that I'm friends with, whatever) but I still wasn't satisfied with the situation.
I don't know what that psychological concept is called, but it's where you're constantly fighting for everyone to take your side on an issue, and everybody does take your side, but there's no sort of closure or satisfaction with it. I legitimately to this day don't know what I'm looking for in situations like this, and it happens to me constantly. I'm right, I know I'm right, everybody agrees I'm right, but I don't feel satisfied with the outcome. That's the one thing in my life that remains consistent, no matter my level of success. Maybe I'll eventually figure out exactly what it is and how to cleanse myself from that mental wound.
All of my problems that I sift into words and thoughts to the internet or to friends will eventually solve themselves, whether by lesson or agreed solution. New ones will grow and fester and it'll be a constant battle like a gardener dealing with weeds. Maybe I'll come back here in 5 more years to read about this and shrug. Maybe the shrug will be followed by another shrug, or a laugh. I'll figure it out.