Depression Posting

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Honestly I don’t recommend this blog to anyone it’s just my vent space where I come to scream into the void

perceive at thine own risk.

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What’s the point of speaking if no one listens

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He has returned. Haunting me like a shadow sneaking up. I had nearly forgotten, but then in the shake of a pillow, the truth has been revealed. He wriggles there, unseeing yet knowing me.

Will I be seeing him again? Will every shadow or piece of lint reflect his dark and scaly visage? I might never know peace even if I can forget again for a time.

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Why does living have to be so painful. I go in to my doctor saying I’m in immense pain. Her solution is I’m too inactive and have to work out. But I’m in this much pain because I’m active. I don’t have any more to give.

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Every moving spot is a bug my brain says

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I just wish it would stop hurting

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Had to get a tooth pulled due to massive cavity. Im in massive pain but they will not help me. got period probably because I forgot to take contraceptives. I didn’t think I did but I must have because I’m bleeding. And I have a UTI because I don’t drink a lot of liquids and I keep falling asleep with pants on. (Im insanely susceptible). I’ve isolated myself from my friends who I miss but also largely hate and I can’t bring myself to talk to them again.

Everything is my fault. Sure I can rationalise things but self loathing is stronger than logic.

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I just want it to stop hurting

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Feels like I’m dying. I had so much hope and it was snatched away like that.

Idk what I’m doing anymore

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I don’t exist

Not in the literal sense but in the sense that to other people, Most people who have known me, probably don’t ever think about me.

I’m not missed.

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Sometimes ppl think I mean something more than what I say. Just because I remark on a detail of something they infer my judgement about it.

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Sometimes I realise I am utterly alone

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Try to do something: too tired

Try to sleep: too awake

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I’m so tired but no matter what I do I can’t sleep

Hopefully I’ll get sleeping meds soon. This can’t go on.

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The great plus about crying is you get to sleep easier

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Just wanted to listen to a nice audio book to sleep and now I’m crying.

There’s this character who’s obviously written to be autistic. And all the descriptions just remind me of my childhood and sensory and social struggles and how everyone just thought it was fine.

Now I’m an adult who can’t get diagnosed because I was “fine” as a child and no one caught it then. My psychiatric treatment place said they were considering an assessment but that’s going nowhere. I’ve tried to stop talking about or thinking about it, because what if that’s not it. What if I’m just obsessing over it or being on of those self diagnosing people. What if I’m just weird and that’s it.

Half the point of listening to something in bed is to keep my thoughts from running away so I don’t spiral and start crying. Now I’m sobbing and writing this hoping it might put an end to the spiral for now.

I think I’ll put on a podcast or something.

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When my sister is in town even my mom talks over me. I feel so abandoned