Jul 14
tw physical abuse, mental a., domestic violence, violent crime, kidnapping, SA. + some victim blaming.
#. can't believe I finally completely understand absued wives who say “he's a good man. i know him. it's not like that”#like. I “understood”. a.k.a. plenty of subconscious internalised misogyny. poor dumb woman. etc#but wow yeah I finally get it#because I don't know how to process seeing the person I trust the most-#-seeming like he has no remorse for the physical power he has over his best friend. a short woman. sure. after he's “calmed down” it seems-#-like he feels bad to some degree. not by adressing it or apologising. just inexplicably a little nicer all of a sudden.#“let's move on now. don't be a bummer. clearly everything is fine now so really it's nuts that you're acting like you're scared of me still.#-trying to make me feel bad.“#the same dude who wanted to kill my rapist.#“hitting a woman is inexcusable.” well apparently not my guy. suddenly the tables have turned.#of course it's now up to me to handle this in a way that minimises friction. makes things better. he just got angry. I was inattentive-#-and dismissive. so “he got angry. you keep doing this. I know you're doing it on purpose. why are you doing this on purpose?”#scariest thing is that it doesn't really actually feel like he thinks he just “can't controll his anger”. instead it just feels like he's-#-embraced it. if he feels justified it must be justifiable. now it's suddenly a normal thing to stare at someone and implying that you're-#-gonna hit them. maybe! if you freak out enough and stop responding then maybe he will. that's up to YOU. nothing wrong with the Implication#yeah btw tell mr again about how it felt when your dad said that if you weren't his son he'd kill you when you were 8.#and how his excuses are insane. because that is an insane thing to do. is it? I'm starting to have my doubts. apparently it was actually-#the 8 year olds fault - he was being difficult. right? is that correct?#yeah fuck everything. i don't want to be here.#I'm not having a good time. Also while I'm completely dissociated I better figure out quick how to be responsible. Set Boundaries and Leave.#I can't possibly let myself be treated like this. what does that say about me? nothing good.#apparently I am a scared animal instead of a person. also you know - if you had had street smarts and not frozen when they-#-were kidnapping you it wouldn't have happened. and if you'd just left instead of letting that man take advantage of you it wouldn't have-#-happened. not saying it's your fault - what do you think of me?? but also let's be real - it's a little bit your fault too.#yeah. apparently that is the lesson I should have learned. might have been useful.#instead I'm stuck with “it can't possibly be like this for real. any day now he's going to have an Epiphany and apologise for it all-#-because it was actually wrong and fucked up and I can't believe I did that. please forgive me.“ AND ”what the fuck is wrong with you?#-do you actually hear what you sound like? hoe can you fucking lie down and let yourself think like this? how are you letting this happen?-#-how fucking pathetic can you be? why don't you have ANY self respect or dignity? you might as well have been saying the same-#-about women in abusive marriages then because apparently this is what you actually think deep down. you're an awful person.“
