It's a little strange to do this, but I need to vent a bit. I find it simply strange that I can't feel comfortable in my own home when my father is there. My father has always been present in my life; when I was younger, I was his little girl. I had all the dolls I wanted, all my birthdays were always celebrated, even now in adulthood. He always spoiled me and never denied me anything, but one of the things I hate about him is his alcoholism. Whenever I see or remember my father when I was younger, the most striking memory is of him drinking. I'm not exaggerating when I say I hardly ever see him sober. And unfortunately, when he gets drunk, he becomes "unstable"—not the kind of unstable that leads to aggression or anything like that, but the kind where if you say something and he doesn't like it, he'll manipulate the whole situation like you are the wrong person (And honestly, these are extremely random topics, like you wanting to be alone and him interpreting that as you hating him, for example.) .I went through a situation earlier this year with him that I simply can't forget, and I just pretend everything is normal. Basically, he got angry about something I said, and he tried to kick me out of the house and tell me to leave him alone. I cried a lot that day. In the end, I apologized for something I didn't need to, and he apologized too saying he never going to do this again, and was not thinking. The matter was closed. I continue to live with him and the rest of my family, but after that, I realized that I will never be able to feel at ease when he is home. When he arrives late, there are days when I pretend to be asleep so I don't have to interact with him because I don't want him to get stressed and fight with me again. It's sad to feel that the house you live in, a place that should be your safe haven, is the place that causes you the most fear and anxiety. What worries me the most is that I never know my father's reaction when he's drinking. I don't know if he'll get angry and fight and say he wants to be alone and die once and for all, or if he'll act normal, and we'll have a peaceful night. There are many more layers to everything I've been through in my life, but I think one of the things that affects me the most psychologically is this.
Anyway, I hate having Daddy issues and I hate the fact that I feel a slight envy for people who have a normal relationship with their families. And if you, who are reading this now, are going through something similar, I truly hope that your life improves, your dreams come true, and you are happy.