Dear Grant,

[deargg]

And now.. it’s Saturday, October 16, 2021. 2021!!!! Haha. We’re hanging out again; full-force. We hadn’t spoken to each other in over two years. Had relationships with other people. Moved in with other people. And have, somehow, found ourselves with the right timing. With growth. With new experiences. With the same love we’ve always had for each other.

I, again, am in a position where I need to put in relationship work and practice thorough communication. You are, again, in a position where you need to show me drive for life and manly confidence.

It feels different this time. It feels like the end goal. It feels so filling. You feel right. And I would be lucky to call you my life partner for the rest of my days.

[deargg]

Friday, December 9, 2016

What are we doing? Are we wasting our time? We’re evolving, but I don’t think we’re evolving into one person... I think we’re growing apart.

You are out of town more than you are home. I liked it at first. I liked the ‘me’ time. I liked the idea of feeling like I was living a single life, but without having to do all that stupid dating. I liked the title you came into and the cool shit you were doing. I liked the cool shit you were doing because it made me look cool. That got old real quick.

I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know the people you see. I don’t know what your days look like. I don’t know what kind of interactions you hold throughout the day.

We’ve gotten used to a single phonecall a day... if that. Used to seeing each other less than... 12 hours a week? But we still tell each other we love each other? You booked me a ticket to go to Vermont with you next week? What the fuck are you feeling that I’m not? I am so confused as to what we are doing.

I know I’ve pulled away.. you want that? I, honest to the energies, have no idea why you’re dating me. We haven’t had sex in months. We haven’t made out in weeks. I’m cold and distant. I’m rude and act like a spoiled brat.

Sometimes I think you date me because you want a good-looking girl. And you like my bangs. I have no clue why else........... and that is so hard.

[deargg]

Monday, November 7, 2016

What a rollercoaster we have put ourselves on. Or I put you on it? What?

Six months ago I thought you were going to rip my heart out of my chest. I’m glad we grew together. I feel like things are ever-evolving (as life made it) for us. I’m trying to find the comfort level for me. There are so many ‘norms’ that our friends and society have carved out for us... but do we have to follow them? Do we need to be around each other ALL the time? Do I have to feel debilitating excitement ALL the time? Do we need to be around each other for a successful and happy relationship? We have to remind ourselves that we must not follow the rules of others and just make sure we are fulfilling each other.

Which brings me to: I don’t think I am fulfilling your needs. I’m keeping you so far because I don’t want to get closer. I don’t want someone I need to check in on or talk to all the time. I don’t want to cuddle. I don’t even feel any romance or desire. GRANTed, it could be the medication, so we’ll regroup after I’ve been off of them for a few weeks. Either way, you give one-hundred. I don’t feel like I’m giving and I don’t know how to change that and be happy at the same time.

[deargg]

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I'm keeping you at arm's length. I can feel you might be breaking up with me soon.

[deargg]

But then I woke up at 4am and you were already next to me in bed, but not close at all. You didn't wake me up. You didn't even try to come over earlier so we could hang out before you leave. You didn't bother texting at all letting me know what you were doing. You didn't even do anything you said you were going to. You were too busy going out drinking. So, I'm just a tool for you to not pay a ridiculous Uber to and from the airport. Maybe this is just the beginning of our actual end and these letters to you will end shortly.

[deargg]

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Tomorrow you leave for Seattle. On a trip you booked after I broke up with you. I'm jealous of the vacation you get to take. I'm sad because you'll be out of touch for days. I hate that I feel so needy with you, but I'll be fine. Obviously. I feel emotionally beat up because we've been sitting in a 'Grey Area' ever since Buske's 40th birthday party. I don't even remember who kissed who at the bottom of those stairs. After that, neither of us defined anything we were doing. I think not knowing kept me at arm's length, if not further. I chose to be distant. I chose to be by myself over being with you. I chose to not engage the topic of 'what are we?' I know I hurt you when I ended things. I didn't want to drag you through any more heartache until we agreed to be together, but.. that never happened. I acted like a crazy person the other night. Which, rightfully so, made you reconsider being with me. Reconsider our future, partner-in-crime activities and overall togetherness. Now the tables have turned. I'm chasing you. I'm going to have to show you that I want you. For the rest of our days. I hope I do it right. I can already sense you feeling the upper hand. And I definitely feel like the fool. That's okay. Not all moments are fair. We won't always be on the same page. My goal is you, so I'll take what I can get. I'll work for it. Because both parts put in 100%, right? We're creating our own boundaries in 'our world.' I hope it's a We. I hope it's Ours.