Letters To My Cat

[dearholstein]

hey holstein

hey

its been a while. im doing better now, but i still really miss you

i have a boyfriend now. their name is dallon and they’re amazing and sweet and you would have loved them. seriously, you would. 

i miss you, and i still can’t listen to starman without crying. i’m in love, though, which is really nice, and dallon loves me back and it feels good. 

i’m not ever going to stop loving you, though

you’re my baby. i just wanted to let you know that things are going okay for me. i’m making a future

[dearholstein]

Dear holstein:

I'm crying already.

Not in a sad way. Well, kind of in a sad way. Mostly a "why can't I give every cat a good home" way.

Theres a cat on the ATL humane society site named julien. He's sixteen, so he's a bit older than you, and he's up for adoption. I want to adopt him, because I know most people won't want an old cat, and because I don't want him to die in a shelter. He's a sweet guy (all cats are, honestly) and he deserves a home.

This isn't betrayal, holstein. I know how important you were, and how much you loved us back. I want julien to have that, for as long as he has left, and I know I could give him that. I just don't want his death to hurt me too, you know? I'm already missing you. I don't want to have to miss the both of you.

Regardless of whether I adopt Julien or not, I'd like you to watch out for him. If I don't get to meet him before you do, I want to meet him eventually and apologise for not being able to give him a home. He deserved one. Hes a sweet dude.

I love you. You're a sweet baby too, and I want to hold you. I miss you. Whenever you see julien, tell him I love you both.

[dearholstein]

hey baby

i feel weird. i want to get a new cat, because i love cats and i loved the shit out of you, but i don’t want anyone to feel like we’re replacing you. you matter so much to me, even though you’re gone, and while i love all cats and i miss being able to cuddle with you, i don’t know if it’s too soon to get a new cat. 

there’s also the issue that i don’t know where i’ll be living next year. don’t hate me, but i’m staying in state. i’ll get up north eventually, don’t worry, but i’d rather get done with my degree and then move. i’m tired of waiting. i want to do something other than be in college, ya know?

i kind of think august would make a good cat. i think she’s been declawed on her front paws, which sucks, because that’s painful for her and it means she can’t really go outside. she’s also really friendly. i know you didn’t like her, so don’t get jealous. i just really like cats in general. (you’re still my favourite, of course)

i don’t know. i feel like i’m stuck in between where i am and where i want to be. i miss you. i love you, too. i wish i could just have you around, and not have to make these decisions

[dearholstein]

Dear holstein

I dreamed about you last night. On one hand, that's cool, because it means you're still here in my dreams. On the other hand, it sucks, because you're only in my dreams.

I know you're safe and happy and loved and all that, but I miss the shit out of you. It's currently the morning, and I'm lying in bed. Sometimes my parents would open the door and deposit you onto my bed to try and get me to wake up. Sometimes you actually stayed instead of following them back downstairs.

I miss your purrs. They were so loud and solid and they grounded me a lot of times. They were comforting, and now I don't have that.

I know I'll see you again, but I wish I didn't have to wait. I just want to hold you

[dearholstein]

Hey holstein

I'm going on a cruise in about ten days, and I'm excited. I'm kind of sad, though, because I wanted you to meet one of the people I'm going with. Their name is Casper, and they're awesome, and you would have gotten to meet their sister Charise too if you were still here. I'm not mad at you, but I wish you could meet them. They'd love you. They actually have four cats of their own.

One of their cats pissed on my holo jacket when I was at their house, and even though I washed it, you could still smell it when I got back and you made that 😬 face every time you did. I don't think I've worn the jacket since then, because it still smells a little like cat piss and I didn't want to make you mad by wearing it around you.

It's a good jacket, though. I might send it to the cleaners and take it with me on the cruise.

I hope you're doing okay (I mean. I know you are, but I still want to say it). I love you so much, and I still miss you even though I don't cry as much as I did before. You're amazing, sweetheart. I miss you 💜

[dearholstein]

Dear holstein

I keep expecting you in places you aren't. I don't know if i believe in ghosts, but I think I do now. You're everywhere. I don't want to escape your presence, because I don't want to forget you or lose you.

I love you

[dearholstein]

Hi baby

We got your remains yesterday. It feels weird to say that, because you're a lot more than a little box and a lock of fur, you know? You're the chair in dad's office, and the duvet on my floor and the entire laundry room. You're everything, really.

We're going to bury you somewhere in the backyard, so that you never have to leave us and we never really leave you. I don't know where yet, but I'll let you know when I find out.

I love you

[dearholstein]

Hey sweetheart

I think I'm doing better. I still look in the office for you every time I pass the stairs, and I still watch for your face in the porch screens when I come in through the garage. I miss you, but I'm not crying all the time and that's a good thing.

I drew you. I don't remember if I mentioned that, but it happened. Just a doodle of you napping on the moon and surrounded by stars. I might get it tattooed somewhere on my body. I'm thinking about it, though, because tattoos are permenant and I want to memorialize you in the right way. You deserve that.

I remember how you used to smell my feet and then make the cat version of the 😬 face. It was adorable. It was even better when you went back to sniffing my feet. Or whatever weird object you hated the smell of. You were adorable. I fucking loved everything you did.

I remade you in the sims and gave you to one of my sim families. They love you already, but not as much as josh and I did. I don't think anyone could love you how we all did. You were a part of our family. You were a /huge/ part of our family, even though you were the smallest member.

I love you so much, my precious baby. Enjoy the stars for me.

[dearholstein]

Hey holstein

I found an old story i wrote when I was seven. It was about you, and I cried when I read it. I've been crying a lot, but it's not your fault. That's just part of grieving and I've accepted it.

The story was kind of eh, but what else would you expect from a seven year old? One of the pages said "holstein is the best pet I have ever petted," and I want you to know that thats still true. I know you were my only pet, but you were still the best cat. You had really soft fur, almost like petting clouds, and you were warm and affectionate and pretty much perfect.

I love you, and i don't think I'm ever going to stop loving you. I definitely don't want to, because you were such a big part of my life and I don't want to let go of you. I know you're in a happy place now, and that you're loved, but I still miss you.

I wish I could pet you and hold you just one more time. Even if I was crying when I did it. I just miss your presence and your warmth in my life.

I love you, holstein. My sweet baby girl. Be good out there, amongst the stars.

[dearholstein]

PS

I put off eating dinner for over an hour bc i kept thinking about how I'd have to keep you from eating my food. And then remembering that you're not around to gently put a paw on the table even though you're not allowed.

I guess I miss that too. Love you.

[dearholstein]

Dear holstein:

Hey, my sweet baby. I still miss you. I went to work today and it was okay because i was away from the house. It feels like you're supposed to be around every corner, or curled up in every chair. There's a cat shaped void in my life, and it hurts.

I decided to dedicate my first novel to you. I know you can't read, and that the story doesn't have any cats in it, but you deserve it. You were there for the whole process. You came into my room and watched me while I wrote late into the night.

I love you so much. I know you know this, but I feel like I have to keep saying it. I don't want you to forget.

I love you, sweet, precious baby. Have fun up in the stars <3

[dearholstein]

Hi holstein

I know it's only been a few hours since you left, but I wanted to write to you anyway. I miss you, obviously, but I know you're happy out there with David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, and Nana. You were awesome when you were alive, and I'm sure they all love you.

I didn't get to tell you this while you were here, but I got to see love, simon the other day. I went alone, and I cried while I was watching it. It was a sweet movie. You would have loved it too, if you were a person.

Don't be mad, but I'm planning on getting a new cat soon. I'm not replacing you, because I don't think I could ever do that. It's just that you were always there for me when I couldn't talk to people about my problems, and I'm realising that the comfort I need now is cat comfort. I don't know who I'll get as a cat. I know you'd hate my choice, because you never liked other cats, but I hope you understand why I'm doing this.

I wish I didn't have to get another cat, holstein. You were the best cat, and I love you so much. I wish you were here still, and that I could just hold you and bury my face into your fur until I felt better.

It just started raining really hard. I think the world is mourning with me.

I love you, my precious baby.